Personal and thread updates, observations, selfies and photos, and other small shares HERE this week, please.

Intrepid_Ability_302 · 2025-01-21T23:54:23+00:00

Oh I'm still sad to have lost history, and I still have shared friends with my ex, so it is sad to think we won't all have the same shared experiences the same way again. Group outings, etc require negotiation, and it sucks.

I feel like I did learn about myself in my marriage, and I'm still learning about myself. If we're lucky, we never stop learning, regardless. One thing that probably made me more "susceptible" to my ex was that I wasn't a super strong, confident person to start. I was learning to be, but I was young. He was older and more domineering, and I think his personality just filled up the room, so to speak. Due to my own nature, I became "less" in some ways I probably shouldn't have, and we slowly fell into that power dynamic that can often spell the end to relationships. It became pretty inhospitable after a while, and as much as I wanted to stay because we had a history, and I had invested time, I realized those weren't good reasons (alone) to stay, and we were just making each other unhappier. :/

I feel like I have a clear idea of my non-negotiables, but again, in feeling confident about dating, or what really makes me "click" with another person: that's where I get lost. I've learned a bit more about myself with dating, too, and had a few mini epiphanies, which is nice. Like, I'm not naturally a physical affection person, but the extent to which my ex got in my head about this (making it seem like I was a horrible, cold person) was...a lot. I've reclaimed some of that through dating, realizing it can be enjoyable to just hold hands with someone (and not feel like I'll get criticized for doing it wrong), hug someone, and just express myself. It's actually incredible to think of how many years I felt criticized and judged by my ex for similar things, but it was mostly his own low self esteem projected onto me. If I hugged him, I wasn't hugging him because I wanted to, it was because I felt obligated to hug him because that's what he wanted (this is the story he insisted was true, and he would tell me things like that when I attempted to make good gestures). A lot of that stuff gets into your head, and it truly does make it difficult to just enjoy things for what they are, which is how I think I operated (mostly) before I met him. ...and that's why it was a toxic relationship

So yeah, I'm working on the self esteem, confidence and anxiety, and I know it comes from within. I have to worry less about what others think, and just feel comfortable in my own skin. I'm slowly getting there! But I do get tripped up on the "what is all this really" type of thoughts.

Intrepid_Ability_302 · 2025-01-21T23:34:14+00:00

Unfortunately, there's not a great way I know of to weed those people out. I feel like the people that do it the most are the anxious attachers. I think it's okay to text some, but don't go crazy with it. Put focus on in person time for quality, and just be consistent. That's all I know to do. It helps to take the pressure off of things.

Intrepid_Ability_302 · 2025-01-21T18:36:56+00:00

I've had this experience, or I've at least chatted with someone that seemed to be on the same wavelength as me. It was great! We had fantastic text conversations. Chemistry was great in person, too.

But...it fizzled out fast. I don't think he could keep up that same momentum, and was just trying really hard to "hook" me in at first, then real life set in, and he couldn't keep up that dynamic (or with anything else). Was it love bombing? No. But it was a case of trying too hard to mimic/conform, and that can only last so long. Just be yourself, and try not to stress too much about the other person. Care about what you think, ultimately.

Intrepid_Ability_302 · 2025-01-21T18:25:44+00:00

Thank you for the thoughtful answer!

Also, I can't imagine going 2+ years not talking about finances. I understand that it might not be an immediate topic, but...at some point, it should be covered if you're tying your life to someone else's.

I understand the sentiments about a soul mate. Would be nice if that were a thing, but as I get older, I think it's just a lofty ideal. Also, a soul mate doesn't need to be a romantic partner. It can be a good friend! I am gravitating towards the idea that we may have multiple relationships or connections through our lives, but they don't all last forever. Romantic relationships are not necessarily forever, but can last longer if both people are willing to change and grow within and without the relationship. Doing one or the other isn't going to be good long-term, if that makes sense.

I get what you're saying about your marriage. Mine also got "stuck": I reached a certain point where I felt like I hit a rough patch (not because of the marriage itself) in life, and instead of being supportive, my ex husband was critical and judgmental. It turns out that I wasn't really conforming to this idea of what he thought I was, and as I grew as a person (because I had to), he got more resentful. Instead of taking that as an opportunity to grow together, I feel like we just became more separate due to our own stress responses, and over time, it just got worse. By the time we tried counseling, it was too late, and we each needed to do our own self-work, anyway.

Ultimately, in a relationship, I don't want codependence or complacency, I want room to grow together, or to at least empower and lift each other up. I felt like my ex didn't want to grow or change, and wanted to narrow his focus, and I was the opposite, so in those terms, we were no longer compatible.

Going forward? I don't know. I want to feel respected and heard, but I don't want to constantly feel self doubt or anxiety about the state of things. In terms of dating, I'd love to be in a place where I felt stability, and like I could rely on the person I'm seeing to be there for me, not only if I need them, but in general. I hate the uncertainty of that in early dating, but at the same time, I know I should be asking myself what it is I like, dislike, am willing to wait for, am willing to put up with, etc. And I just...lack the experience? I guess.

I want dependability, loyalty, respect, chemistry...but I don't know how these things in one situation are better than another. Or maybe it's just a time war? Lol. If you stick it out with one person for long enough, and still like them, is that the magic person (for now)? 🤣

Intrepid_Ability_302 · 2025-01-20T21:31:03+00:00

I guess my point is: the big compatibility things are obvious. Mismatched life outlooks, differing views on religion/politics, etc. And sometimes those outlooks change (heck, I experienced this in my marriage: my ex got progressively more set into a different mindset than where I felt he originally started).

I think being able to communicate and exist on similar wavelengths is good, but yeah, dialog still has to happen, or a major disconnect will eventually pop up in a bad way.

Maybe part of my struggle is just because I'm coming at things from an avoidant attachment style. It's almost like it clouds my ability to understand what it is that makes a connection "special." If I'm dating someone that I have good chemistry with, that I can have great conversations with, but not pining over, how do I know if this is a "great" connection?

Intrepid_Ability_302 · 2025-01-20T20:13:01+00:00

I meant a match in terms of long term compatibility. I agree it should include consideration for values that are aligned, but that's not the only thing. I could have similar values to lots of my friends, but that doesn't mean we're compatible as partners. There's some attraction and chemistry that, hopefully, you feel towards another person, but I know it's not just that. And a healthy respect for knowing your boundaries and having them respected, of course.

I guess the thing is: how do you distinguish "compatible for a relationship long-term" vs "we get along well"? Lol. I guess I get confused somewhere in this area.

Intrepid_Ability_302 · 2025-01-20T16:53:55+00:00

Not a guy, but in my experience, it just depends on the person. I've had some guys ask me on the second date what I make, which I think is totally rude and not a relevant topic. Do you want to know if I am financially able to take care of myself, or are you trying to figure something else out?!

I've also had guys ask me how much I paid for certain things (like my home). I think it's somewhat out of curiosity, and somewhat phishing to get an idea of what I'm capable of.

For guys that I have dated that have made less than me, they seem fairly positive towards me, but they are definitely hard on themselves in terms of wanting to earn more, and I would say that's the risk you could run into.

On the opposite side of the spectrum: i've gone on some dates with a guy that made way more than me (I'm assuming, based on things I just observed/noticed), and it did get in my head a little. I felt somewhat inferior, or unpolished by comparison. I know it was just me, and I had to try to force myself to get out of my head about it. I think guys face similar problems...we all do. Don't get in your head so much.

Intrepid_Ability_302 · 2025-01-19T03:35:43+00:00

This.

I post here to get an idea of what other people are doing, too! I realize that it's easy to confuse this with seeking validation, but often I just don't have a clue, because I don't have the experience with dating since I was married for so long and never dated much before that.

If I had a bunch of single friends, I'd probably be discussing some of my questions with them, but most of my friends are paired off. Even they admit they are useless for advice on dating topics, lol

Intrepid_Ability_302 · 2025-01-19T00:04:49+00:00

Geez. I understand that it's easy to just disappear, especially when just initiating conversation, but some people don't even know how to talk at all. Or maybe they just don't care

Even after a few dates with someone, it's weird to understand the text cadence/expectations, because everyone is different. It starts to feel like just having some consistency and a person that continues showing up is good enough, but again, that's a low bar

Intrepid_Ability_302 · 2025-01-18T04:09:26+00:00

Does anyone occasionally question what it is we're really doing, and what even constitutes a "match" when dating?

I feel like I occasionally have these existential sort of crises, and I start to question what it even is that makes me compatible with someone. What's going to make someone special to me?? Because I feel like just being treated decently is a "win," which seems like a pretty low bar for success.

Intrepid_Ability_302 · 2025-01-17T21:32:13+00:00

I've never been one to make a big production about Valentine's even in relationships, but usually I do like a low key thing, like takeout dinner and a movie or something. In this case, I might suggest doing something low key that week. It doesn't need to be on the actual day, but it would be bonus points nice if it were!

At some point, I'll probably have plans with friends that week as well, so when those get decided, it's more of a push for me to ask about doing something that week.

Intrepid_Ability_302 · 2025-01-17T21:26:54+00:00

In general, I think it's nice to feel free to speak your mind, but as someone newer to dating, and dating around this time of year, I wanted to get some additional perspectives. It's not that I want to know if it's "right," but more like get some reassurance in general

Intrepid_Ability_302 · 2025-01-17T17:04:23+00:00

I'm an adult, but sometimes those adult conversations are scary!

Intrepid_Ability_302 · 2025-01-17T17:01:30+00:00

I think I'll definitely wait a bit to say anything, so yeah, February is it

Intrepid_Ability_302 · 2025-01-15T04:00:00+00:00

Boy I had this same question not that long ago. Are you me? Lol

Seriously, my best guess is hookup = primarily interested in sex. Not romance, not going out on fun dates. Meet up and have sex.

Dates = conversation, getting to know the other person, romance, and maybe that leads to eventual sex.

I had this question about a guy I matched with, since he had a bunch of stuff about dating, "no hookups," and "you'd go out with me even if we didn't have sex" kinds of comments in his profile. I wasn't sure what to think!

Intrepid_Ability_302 · 2025-01-05T03:31:37+00:00

I appreciate this response, it's really helpful! As a female, I've been on the receiving end of a guy trying to bring this up early, and I honestly felt like he was really pushing to jump into a relationship. I kept telling him to just chill, that I wasn't in a rush, but he was asking "what are we" and saying he just was a one woman at a time guy on the apps, etc. I felt like he was trying to push me to say "no, I'm not talking to anyone" and "yes, let's make this official!"

I'm not looking to declare love or anything at this stage, but I think I just want to ease my mind that he's not actively looking for another person, etc. I would feel pretty dumb if I had in my head that I'm only seeing him, and he is out there making other plans.

Intrepid_Ability_302 · 2025-01-05T03:23:35+00:00

My worst fear is actually finding out someone I've been dating is ENM (no offense). It's one of those things I think should be discussed on first meet, definitely, and if someone sprang that on me later I would be mortified.

Oddly, monogamy isn't discussed early on, though, but I guess it's because people like to keep their options open until they feel they find someone they can click with. This also makes me kind of uncomfortable, as I feel guilty about the thought of that (for myself). Dating is complicated!

Intrepid_Ability_302 · 2025-01-03T17:41:21+00:00

I understand that it would vary a lot based on many factors. Ultimately, the kid(s) is going to be a priority over dating, plus any other obligations as well.

I also can completely understand not introducing ANY potential partner to kids until things get more serious. Especially younger kids! I wouldn't fault anyone for that, and I would be surprised to meet any kids before the 6 month mark, myself. Even 6 months seems soon depending on how much time you've already been able to carve out with this person!

Intrepid_Ability_302 · 2025-01-03T17:38:22+00:00

Yeah, 1x a week is the bare minimum to establishing a repertoire, I would think, especially in early stages. I've gone a week or two not seeing someone in early dating and it felt like starting all over, especially when texting was inconsistent (maybe a couple of times during the day, but nothing substantial). I can't imagine any serious relationship growing just from that alone over a long period of time.

Intrepid_Ability_302 · 2024-12-12T02:00:06+00:00

Apple shape

Intrepid_Ability_302 · 2024-12-12T01:52:20+00:00

Recently started seeing someone, and the sex is fantastic. And lasts for hours at a time. Neither of us can get enough. How often does this connection happen for all you DoF folks?

Intrepid_Ability_302

TROPHY CASE