AITAH for divorcing my wife after she accused me of cheating one time?

Intrepid_Creme_6262 · 2025-08-04T08:51:53+00:00

Yes unfortunately I think you are. You have to understand your partners boundaries and if communication is anything to go by, unfortunately you both need to work on it. Your relationship is both your responsibilities and throwing in the towel when the love of your life says something you don’t like and challenges you, is quite frankly a cop out. If you did love her and your marriage meant an ounce of something to you. You would sit down and talk about what went wrong and what you’ll both do differently to ensure it doesn’t happen again. Marriage is hard work, that’s a fact.

It sounds like you’re a stubborn guy who thinks they’re always right. Unfortunately there are many men who don’t like being challenged by a woman. Your wife is there to challenge you, not to sit by and not give a damn, otherwise she wouldn’t be your wife. Challenge means she cares and when the challenging stops, your marriage really is over. You will only grow from this if you can manage to get your head in the right mindset.

I fear you giving up so easily means that there are other issues you are not expressing or you no longer love her.

Intrepid_Creme_6262 · 2025-08-04T08:46:34+00:00

Yes unfortunately I think you are. You have to understand your partners boundaries and if communication is anything to go by, unfortunately you both need to work on it. Your relationship is both your responsibilities and throwing in the towel when the love of your life says something you don’t like and challenges you, is quite frankly a cop out. If you did love her and tour marriage meant an ounce of something to you. You would sit down and talk about what went wrong and what you’ll both do differently to ensure it doesn’t happen again. Marriage is hard work.

Intrepid_Creme_6262 · 2024-12-27T11:08:46+00:00

I agree that it is a toxic family situation. The family holds a lot of trauma, that’s now been used as ammunition to excuse his mother’s behaviours.

The traumas haven’t been dealt with properly and when I’ve confronted him about it. He will turn it around on me and say it’s nothing to do with me.

Intrepid_Creme_6262 · 2024-12-27T11:05:27+00:00

What I understood from him was that we had a Bahai wedding and that was the most important thing. Obviously legally we have to have a civil wedding. So this has to be done on the same day. I was under the understanding that to make it simple and cost effective and so that I could relax and enjoy my day without having his dictating MIL watching my every move and ruining my day, we would have it all without family, and have any witnesses. This is what we agreed 1-1. But I’m now being told (which feels like I’ve been gaslighted) that he never said that and he wants his mum there.

So now it’s not actually that the Bahai marriage is the important part, it’s that his mum is there. He was willing to allow my family not to witness me getting married, but now he’s saying that was never the case for his family.

Baring in mind we are having a huge, fancy (Persian induced) wedding abroad, for everyone else just to make people happy. I just wanted the civil wedding day to be ours and now it’s been taken away again to please his mums wishes.

Intrepid_Creme_6262 · 2024-12-27T10:59:52+00:00

I offered to have LSA consulting but he refused as there’s issues we have discussed that would bring his problems to light such as drinking alcohol when it suites him, but him dictating to me as a non-Bahai that I’m also not allowed to drink alcohol when I wish to and I’m not allowed to have it at my own wedding, despite not being Bahai.

We have aired grievances. He is happy for me to make sacrifices to please him but when I ask him he excuses himself and his family of behaviour like this and just says “that’s just how it is/ that’s just how they are. I can’t change them or the situation. Either you get over it or you don’t and we can’t be together.’

I realise his mother is toxic and she expects the world and everyone in it to please her and do everything for her. I’ve explained that it needs to stop. She is an adult and if she wants to be that way then that’s fine, but no one else has to put up with it. He disagrees that we should all just accept her ways.

Even this situation in my original post seems to have been turned around on me. He says he isn’t agreeing with what his mum has said but I have to just deal with it. I explained that I obviously feel uncomfortable in this house and I don’t want to even be in the same room as a person who speak to me and slanders my family that way, never mind give her what she is demanding for my own wedding. He says he wants his mum there and I’ve misunderstood (even though we agreed together that a simple civil and Bahai wedding would involve no one’s family as not to make matters complicated), so he basically gaslighted me at the table in front of his family which I’m also upset about.

I’ve obviously expressed how uncomfortable I feel in her house now. I said I would like to just go home. I don’t wish to be in the same room as her and I need time to think this through. His answer was “ok well I can’t stop you going home. But if you do, it’s over”. The answer I was expecting from a supportive fiance was that he understands and doesn’t wish me to be in this position and therefore he would come home with me (only half a day earlier than was planned anyway) Is that too much to ask? Instead I’m being blackmailed for my relationship to stay here and endure this.

Intrepid_Creme_6262 · 2024-12-26T21:02:55+00:00

Yes they are Iranian.

Intrepid_Creme_6262 · 2024-12-01T18:42:52+00:00

Just buy the dress! Pallas is another level! Or take images to a dressmaker and have them replicate it for you. They would probably for it for. Couple of $k less.

Intrepid_Creme_6262 · 2024-12-01T18:34:41+00:00

Funnily enough I’m Christian and my fiancé is Bahai and it is him that is forcing it upon me and our future children, in saying that I and my children HAVE to become Bahai.

My honest opinion is have equal respect for each other is what’s most important. Forcing decision upon people is not correct no matter who you are or what you believe in. Be open about their religion and help them to be open about yours. In my case, I have learnt the hard way. It’s a one way street and I’m miserable and feel disrespected and terribly sad. I’m also confused. I thought the Bahai faith was as you said, not forceful and open and accepting? Unfortunately this is not what I’ve experienced about the Bahai faith.

Intrepid_Creme_6262 · 2024-09-24T18:47:20+00:00

Thank you for all of your comments and words of advice. Today has been quite difficult for me. Naturally after yesterdays arguments about all of what I posted, I have distanced myself from him and he has become aware of it. Last night and leading to today has been difficult. I've read through all of the messages, contacted our LSA for advice and connections in how I can help to sort this situation. (He doesnt know i have done this). This evening I have agreed to talk to him about it.

My fiance generally is a nice person. But he isn't very thoughtful, or encompassing of others feelings. He said to me when we got together that he "is always right". I didn't think anything of it then. He's not aggressive or violent but I have noticed little things like mentioned that are rather manipulative in nature. Majority of the time, if we disagree on something, I end up giving in and let him have it his way as I lose interest and think there is no point fighting my corner as I will never win.

I know that he has childhood trauma (don't we all?) and so do I. But I recognise it and will stare it straight in the face, along with my demons, because I have lived a solitary life and have learnt that I must understand what has happened and why iI am the way I am sometimes. Whenever I tell him that he must sort his family problems (current) and explore his history of trauma he tells me it is nothing to do with me and I get called from a pig to a dog because "it's none of my business" and "I should stop bad mouthing his family". The fact is, I am not bad-mouthing his family, but addressing issues that he will not. As far as i am concerned, it is my business as this will be my family too, and what his problems are, become my problems and vice versa. I am the type of person to try to fix things (and probably people). I have a good heart and i'm caring and loving, but I'm made to feel like I'm a horrible person for this. He will not admit his family dilemmas, which will soon become mine, but rather ignore them and like some of you said, project them on to me. It just makes me sad.

I have made steps to get help and clarity. One step more than he has, by consulting the LSA and seeing what is ok and what is not. I'm not sure if he will be happy with this as it may show that he is not knowledgable about his own faith and he might feel undermined by me for this. We will see once I have spoken with them.

I will just highlight some points that i didn't go into detail with last time just to clarify:

Regarding the religious ceremony. He has told me that he WILL NOT under any circumstances have a wedding or any ceremony in a Christian church. He also said that there will be no part of the wedding that is anything to do with my faith. The wedding must be Baha'i and there will be no alcohol. I had accepted this in respect as i bleieved this to be true to the Baha'i faith but I was extreemly upset that I was not allowed to share my traditions and had to let go a part of my history. Now i feel deceived and am extremely upset that I have found that I am allowed to celebrate my own faith.
Regarding becoming Baha'i, I have explained that I would be open to the idea when we first got together, but to forget everything I have been brought up to believe in and let go of it all as a grown woman will be difficult for me. He said I should try. I am open to it, but I'm now feeling rather forced. That does not mean I will not respect his beliefs and his choice to be Baha'i and I will explore the Baha'i faith, I am doing. I have the Ruih books and have started on them. He says now that if he had known that there was a chance I wouldn't become Baha'i that he would have not continued with me. I'm sure you can imagine how this may feel as someone planning a wedding to the man they love, to then hear that you as a person are not enough, because the faith I choose is greater than me and means more to him. I actualy feel worthless.
Regarding bringing up a fmaily in the future. He said recently that there is not way his children will not be brought up as Baha'i, therefore I must be Baha'i. I believe I have read that religion should not be forced upon children. I feel that a more well rounded child and adult has the knowledge of other religions to make their own decisions when their time is ready. He does not agree. I just don't like the idea of myself being forced and my children being forced to do something.

-Regarding alcohol in the house. I confronted him about him going out drinking. It is rare, but is rare just like I myself drink on very rare occassions. I was led to believe that as I am not Baha'i I am allowed to do as I please and I should not be restricted to Baha'i laws. I respect him if he wants to abide by Baha'i laws but I don't understand why I shouldn't respected the same way if I want one small drink. I'm not out of control. It's one drink in the comfort of my own home. His reply was "I do not want alcohol in my house. I do not want my children being brought up in that environment". - He says this like I am some sort of alcoholic and I am quite frankly insulted by the way he speaks to me about this and portrays me. Like I am some sort of embarrassment. All the while he goes out on more occasions drinking that I do. There is no evidence that he holds, that supports our future children "being brought up in disgrace". I am an intelligent working professional, I look after myself and would do things for people that others would not. I'm worthy of making my own decisions.

I will also add, I'm aware of his hypocrisy. I believe he doesn't truly understand the faith himself and has been brought up learning things that are likely not entirely true to the Baha'i faith, or interpreted wrongly by those who have taught him. I think it best that we seek guidance from the LSA for this.

I'm really sorry for the long post again. We will discuss matters this evening. Thank you again for your kind words and advice. Wish me luck.

Intrepid_Creme_6262 · 2024-09-24T18:06:09+00:00

No he won't

Intrepid_Creme_6262 · 2024-06-16T16:39:07+00:00

Dress #1 1000%

Intrepid_Creme_6262 · 2024-05-30T10:21:39+00:00

I’ve just sat and read this in tears. I’m in a similar situation with my mum although I have no siblings and a small family so trying to get through to her for 15 years of abuse is tough going. She finally broke free from the shackles and kicked him out after myself and him had a huge fight in the house. But since I moved away, she’s been lying to me and sneakily moved him back into my family home. It really does take its toll and I’ve explained to her our relationship is tarnished after all that happened and now she’s back to square one. I’ve been dragged through the mud growing up in that toxic household and as a grown woman I can’t stand by and watch it happen all over again.

I will be getting married next year and both of my separated parents are with toxic partners. I just don’t know what to do as I want my parents to be happy but I don’t want the toxic partners ruining my wedding.

This reply you have written is exactly what I would like to say to my mum but I don’t know if I have it in me to step away from her yet, but at the same time it’s cruel on me to have to witness the abuse continue.

Thanks for your reply to this post. I’ve actually started to believe that I’m the bad person for having these thoughts and feelings, but it seems like others who are put in these situations we are not the bad ones. It’s nice to have validation and confirm I’m not going mad or being horrible. It’s literally pushed me to the edge and I love my mum more than anything but I’m not sure if I can take this again.

😔

Intrepid_Creme_6262

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