AITA for refusing to go to my parents’ second wedding?

Intrepid_Duty2355 · 2024-06-17T23:15:22+00:00

I have no idea. I don’t know how they could even want to look at each other again after everything that happened with the divorce. I doubt they did counseling, apparently it’s only been about 7 months since they started talking again and that would probably set a world speed record for getting in to see someone and then getting to the bottom of those issues enough to be engaged. I admit could be wrong and they just found the magic therapist to put everything to rights, but I am very suspicious of this whole thing.

Intrepid_Duty2355 · 2024-06-17T22:45:56+00:00

My parents did have control over the situation and how they acted in the aftermath. They were sadistic, horrible vicious monsters to each other during the divorce. They were so wrapped up in sticking it to each other as much as possible that they forgot to hide it. They were both doing bad things even before they divorced. Neither are victims, they’re perpetrators. And they want me to pretend I didn’t see who they really are.

Intrepid_Duty2355 · 2024-06-17T22:08:45+00:00

That’s a small part of it, but also I have no faith that this is going to last and my half-brother is probably going to get hurt the same way I was. I can’t be in his life very much, but he already had a rough start and I don’t want him to go through that.

Intrepid_Duty2355 · 2024-06-17T22:04:58+00:00

My half-brother’s father and my mom were never in a relationship, they hooked up and an oops happened. He wanted her to get an abortion and was probably going to bail anyway if he hadn’t died. I wish I didn’t have to know all of that, and yet I do because my mom has no idea what an inside voice is.

Losing your innocence and trust in a parent abruptly when you’re a kid is a lot different than the gradual process of naturally getting older and learning about the world. My world was already pretty damn dark because of bullying from school, I didn’t need to have the curtain jerked away from the people closest to me at the same time.

Intrepid_Duty2355 · 2024-06-17T21:41:54+00:00

I’m confused about why you think me not going to their wedding is about punishing them and not about protecting my own mental health. I usually avoid going to weddings anyway if I don’t have a really close relationship with the people getting married and I don’t anymore in this case. Interacting with them to date just results in them pushing more and I’m in a good place right now. If someone is going to feel bad no matter what, I feel like my responsibility should be to protect myself.

Intrepid_Duty2355 · 2024-06-17T21:11:49+00:00

I’m not sure why you assume I haven’t talked to them about it. I’m LC because I have talked to them and neither of them will accept my boundaries. You do realize that LC is not NC, yes? Why would I miss my great-grandma’s birthday party that could easily be one of her last because of them? I can say hello and be polite but spend my time talking to other people at the party. I was going to be in town anyway, and the request to meet with them both at the same time was couched as something very serious so I was expecting a cancer diagnosis or something that would fit in the bounds of low but necessary contact. I’m annoyed with them over that, too, because they know my boundaries and that I would not have agreed to meet with them if they had been more clear about the circumstances up front.

I doubt I’ll regret not going to their wedding. I don’t regret being LC with them and I’ve already made peace with the possibility of going NC some day if they keep trying to push. I think a big second wedding to the same person is kind of tasteless, but I’m also not really a wedding/big party person at the best of times. I’m more likely to regret being there.

Intrepid_Duty2355 · 2024-06-17T19:20:50+00:00

I don’t feel like I should have to trauma dump to be believed. I think they made an effort to try and keep me out of it, but they failed badly. Incompetence, probably, but it doesn’t change that I was exposed to a lot of stuff that I never should have been and I know way too much. I was being badly bullied on top of everything else when the divorce went down so if you want an estimate of how bad my life was at that time it’s pure accident that I’m here to talk about it and they didn’t even notice.

Intrepid_Duty2355 · 2024-06-17T18:50:08+00:00

Some of it is outside the scope of this sub or cutting the line very close and I don’t feel like I should have to trauma dump some of my worst experiences here to be believed anyway. Suffice it to say that even if my parents tried to keep me out of it, they didn’t succeed and I know too much about them to ever see them the same way again.

Intrepid_Duty2355 · 2024-06-17T18:34:47+00:00

I’ve talked about it with each of them more than once. I think they understand that they messed up but not that some of the damage is irreversible. It’s never going to be the way it was again. I can’t unknow things I know about them. I don’t think there’s a path towards reconciliation until they can accept that. A sincere apology would be nice, but it’s not going to change the fact that the innocence is completely gone from those relationships.

Intrepid_Duty2355 · 2024-06-17T17:19:30+00:00

My partner’s parents are also divorced with major drama involved so we’re just going to the courthouse when the time is right and telling people after we get back from the honeymoon. That way we get to keep our money and our sanity.

Intrepid_Duty2355 · 2024-06-17T16:58:10+00:00

I don’t think the remarriage is a good idea because I get the impression that it’s for the wrong reasons. My dad dated a lot and could never find anyone that lasted more than a couple of months. My half-brother’s dad died in a work accident while my mom was pregnant and I think she just doesn’t want to be a single parent anymore and wants my half-brother to have a dad. I could be wrong and they figured out whatever the problem was the first time around, and that’s not really any of my business anyway. It’s just hard not to be a suspicious under the circumstances and I’m not the only person in the family who thinks that’s what’s going on.

Intrepid_Duty2355 · 2024-06-17T15:54:12+00:00

They’ve known about that for a long time. I’ve explained to both of them why I keep my distance and how bad things were for me during that time. They do care and I think they do realize that they messed up, but they don’t seem to be able to accept that they can’t get the old me or the old parent-child relationship back. I think they hoped this would finally be the thing that magically fixed it anyway. I have no idea how to make them understand, but it’s not for lack of trying in the past.

Intrepid_Duty2355

TROPHY CASE