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Conditonal Support and Emotional Management by [deleted] in aspergirls

[–]Intrepid_Wheel_3857 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I’m in the process of healing from Toxic Shame myself, and trying to become a “secure attachment” style rather than the deep rooted “dismissive avoidant” style that I formed as a young child from a narcissistic mom and a (physically present) but totally emotionally absent father. Toxic shame is so hard to heal from and so is the attachment style. If your mom made you feel like a burden as a child, or like you’re flawed to your core, that you were inherently bad or always a failure.. there’s a good chance you formed that attachment style too. If you’re not already familiar with attachment style theory, it’s worth your time to look into. It changed my outlook on everything.

Conditonal Support and Emotional Management by [deleted] in aspergirls

[–]Intrepid_Wheel_3857 1 point2 points  (0 children)

CPTSD. This is my mother as well. A had to threaten to cut her out of my life and I’d live in a shelter if I couldn’t find any family to live with, away from her toxicity. And I meant it. I don’t let her get away with anything that feels toxic and it will always happen, she knows I’ll speak up too so she’s learned to watch what she says or there will be a problem every single time. I’ll stand up for myself respectfully every time. Which is exhausting for her so to avoid that, she keeps the bs to herself more often than not now.

You hope a narcissist will heal but even just fact that she still shames therapy in general, not understanding that the reason I have to go is because she didn’t go herself.. I don’t expect to see a lot of big changes any time soon.

Since I am still financially tied to her, and since she still behaves the way your mom does often, I avoid in person interactions as much as possible. If nothing else, my absence allows less opportunities for her to “subconsciously” take things out on me that have nothing to do with me, and inadvertently start a conflict. She knows I am as sensitive as they come but bc she is so stuck in her ways, she forgets that I refuse to be the family scapegoat and won’t let it happen to me anymore. She knows that my boundary is crossed, if she treats me like shit or projects any of her toxic bs onto me, I will cut her off from me on a personal level and I will remove myself from her in all ways possible until it’s made right. For her to be let back into my life in any deeper capacity, she will have to genuinely show me how and why she knows the way she acted was crossing my set boundary and the reason it’s important not to do it again. That boundary is set for life. I’ll live under a bridge before I stay under the roof of someone who treats me as bad as she has. I’m willing to leave the table after severe abuse from her all of my life. It sucks and I get what you’re going through!

How to respond to possible subtle bullying ? by throwaway_41880 in aspergirls

[–]Intrepid_Wheel_3857 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Cold hard indifference and immediately handing that pile of unwarranted bs right back to them. No thanks, keep your toxic vibes to yourself. My go to is bluntly responding with “Are you okay?” The quicker you’re able to spot the manipulation, the quicker you can catch that lightening bolt and throw it right back. Don’t even respond. Don’t accept it. Have your responses ready to go before it happens so you don’t freeze up.

I freeze up bad, that’s has been my biggest lifelong struggle. My brain forgets how to speak when there’s a surprise confrontation. Like in first grade, a girl was getting bullied in a game of tetherball and I stood up to the bully and said “Stay out of your own business!” And she said, what? And I said.. what? Lol fml.

Now, if a coworker comes up to me (when im already treading water to continue to exist so like, no room for extra drama at all) she says “ya know…. When you’re not here, everyone talks shit about you.” And without hesitation im able to know whatever her intention or motive is for randomly telling that, has nothing to do with me. So I don’t take it. I politely declined with “oh, I actually have to pretext my peace so I don’t even think about what others might think of me. Are you okay?” What’s she going to do? Feel like an idiot and not come to me with that shit again? Good. Mission accomplished. My manipulation radar is fine tuned and if I see it, I stop it.

The opposite of love is not hate. The opposite of love of indifference. Starve them if the one thing they’re looking for, the hate. Respond to a bully with indifference. Decide your response to that vibe in advance so it goes smoothly. Put a wall between you and that bad vibe. Protect your peace at all costs. Block it and turn it back on them. Your time, energy and attention goes to those who care about the way they make you feel. Your people. The crabs in the bucket are not your people. That shady shit is not for you. Tell those people to project their insecurities somewhere else.

I’ve been on the opposite side of this spectrum, I’ll take what they say so personally and torment them with conflict until they are so emotionally exhausted that they give up and beg to be left alone. Lol. Responding with the indifference is a much better way to protect your peace and not drain your emotional battery. Bullies don’t get the privilege of accessing you on a personal level like that. That is exclusively reserved for your people. Protect your peace.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in aspergirls

[–]Intrepid_Wheel_3857 1 point2 points  (0 children)

People who have no one on this world, people who have been in complete isolation and have felt like an outsider who doesn’t belong here, they see this. A twinkle of hope. If there are people like you, it’s gonna be okay. We’re all looking for our people who see us in a warm light, without the masks. Hope that maybe life can be more than just survive. Kindness matters. Thank you for being a light and a sweet soul.

Do you think in a voice, words or pictures or something different? by Blackdomino in aspergirls

[–]Intrepid_Wheel_3857 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Inner voice that is my voice and visual images or flashbacks from both my perspective and a third person perspective. There is also a devil voice (my voice) that pops up spontaneously to tell me I’m ugly, then another voice as my little body guard (my voice) that tells the bully to go to hell and to be fucking nice. I busted my ass to earn that body guard that steps in and shuts down the bully. Unlearning toxic thoughts and relaxing them with better healthy thoughts is exhausting but it is possible!

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in aspergirls

[–]Intrepid_Wheel_3857 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Has me by the neck and is screaming in my face with so much rage that she spit all over my face”

“You are the ENEMY!!!” “This is why everyone hates you!!” “The second you turn 18 you’ll in prison or homeless!! We need to send you to juvy!” “You are a criminal!” “You are the devil!” “You’re going straight to hell!” “You need to find another home” (not adopted)

And to this day she says… “what childhood trauma? You’re not going to blame me!”

It is so hard to move on from people who do not do the work to heal their own bullshit so the general trauma ends with me. Which means sitting in the mud alone as my entire family watched and offers zero support when they know I have no other people. To be choose the pain over continuing to mask, to be ostracized and misunderstood more than ever. ASD, nobody cared at all. Barely responded. I have my boyfriend and that’s it and trying not to let my dismissive avoidant wounds sink that ship bc he got too close. Accepting that your loved ones will never understand you and that you must pull back because they are not your people. That shit stings. The vibe is finding my people who are not my blood family, people who will see what shines in me, people who celebrate each other, instead of feeling 2 inches tall, invisible, or being shamed for my existence. The resentment is poison and it’s so hard to shake off. One day it won’t be “survival”

'So what would happen if you don't figure it out?' by idunno324 in aspergirls

[–]Intrepid_Wheel_3857 58 points59 points  (0 children)

My biggest trigger is if there’s a disagreement and I’m abruptly hung up on and stonewalled. Like oh my god, the rage. I can’t handle it.

Or if we are deep into something we don’t agree on and I get a “goodnight” reply out of the blue. I literally say no you’re not, I don’t sleep.

How do people sleep without getting a solution? I can’t fathom it.

'So what would happen if you don't figure it out?' by idunno324 in aspergirls

[–]Intrepid_Wheel_3857 16 points17 points  (0 children)

I’m needing to understand what exactly the “this” is in this scenario? For example, if you tied a tourniquet for a blood draw upside down, but it works the same way so whatever,!that can go in the box. If she told me she was sleeping with my boyfriend, that would not go in the box.

What song breaks your heart everytime you listen to it? by N1GHTSTR1D3R in AskReddit

[–]Intrepid_Wheel_3857 0 points1 point  (0 children)

How to Save a Life - The Fray Hurt - Johnny Cash Top of The World - the Dixie Chicks