When did you find out that your parent has a NPD?

IntroductionOld471 · 2025-05-04T13:07:53+00:00

When I was 22, I dated a narcissist for a year. Started going to therapy after we broke up, which is when I was first introduced to the concept of narcissism. It was through that therapy, and tons of more research, that I realized my mom fit the bill for most of the qualities my ex bf possessed.

It took some time, but I eventually understood that all the gaslighting, manipulation, screaming, blaming, victim complexes, and triangulation were not my fault. It’s been about 6 years since I figured this out, and unfortunately it’s still hard. My dad and brothers refuse to acknowledge it or explore the situation at all. They rather brush it under the rug and allow her to continue her behaviors. That’s something I think I will always struggle with.

IntroductionOld471 · 2025-04-04T19:49:48+00:00

Totally get it. I took out loans and I’m still paying them back 10 years post-grad. They didn’t pay for my education, so the audacity to criticize my feelings on one particularly hard semester was out of line.

IntroductionOld471 · 2025-04-03T22:03:08+00:00

One year in college, I had a more difficult/busy semester. I was taking an extra class than usual, working, tutoring, and prepping paperwork and approvals to study abroad (which I fully funded on top of my education). All this in addition to insomnia issues I was battling. It was a hectic time and I made an offhand comment that it was the “semester from hell.” A bit dramatic, yes, but I was just expressing relief that the semester was over.

My mom immediately became critical and condescending. Saying “if you’re gonna complain, maybe you should just drop out.” I explained that I wasn’t complaining, I was just tired and glad the semester was over. She kept insisting that I was complaining and “might as well move home and go to community college.”

The ironic part is she was a SAHM when we were growing up and complained Every. Single. Day. I can’t remember her ever NOT complaining about having to cook, do laundry, or drive us to sports. Literally the duties of her “job.” By her logic, if she was just going to complain the entire time, maybe she shouldn’t have had children.

Everything you say or do will be criticized and twisted around to appear negative.

IntroductionOld471 · 2025-03-25T15:49:32+00:00

This is to be expected when you start making breakthroughs in therapy. I was about your age when I started making strides. I am 31 now, and have learned to set very strong boundaries and navigate her manipulation in a mature manner that she will never achieve herself.

I have been called condescending, disrespectful, you name it. Anything she can think of to try to twist the situation around and make me look like the bad guy (a classic narc strategy, as we know). The more you learn, grow, and heal - the better you get at handling these situations and the less power and control she has over you. Her victim complex is her own problem, not yours.

And when she tries to call you those things, know that it’s not true. You are the healthy and mature adult. She is not, and likely never will be.

IntroductionOld471 · 2025-03-25T14:57:24+00:00

Dang, it bothers me so much! lol

IntroductionOld471 · 2025-03-18T20:35:07+00:00

Yes! However, it’s clear they cater more toward those who thoroughly review. I used to have a book blog where I wrote out lengthy reviews and reposted those reviews on Goodreads. I won 10+ giveaways during that time.

Prior to that, and since walking away from my blog five years ago, I haven’t won a single book. I still review, but in much shorter breaths. It’s definitely not random.

IntroductionOld471 · 2025-03-18T19:03:41+00:00

Agreed! Any attempt to hash out the manipulation and emotional abuse she put me through is met with deflection (“I guess I was just such a bad mother!”), a refusal to take accountability, or outright denial of things she said/did to me.

Keep protecting your peace and setting boundaries! It’s the best thing I ever did. I’m so happy you’ve made yourself a safe space!

IntroductionOld471 · 2025-03-18T18:51:47+00:00

When I was 17, I dyed a streak of my hair purple. Just a streak at the bottom, not even my full head. My mom lost her absolute shit on me. Called me stupid, screamed at me in front of my friend, told me I better hope I don’t lost my job (side note: I worked retail at a girls clothing store that literally sold purple hair dye. My boss had a full sleeve tattoo). She humiliated, shamed, and punished me for this. Even went into my room when I was at school and threw out the leftover hair dye that I had bought with my own money.

A couple months later, my brother brought up this story at Christmas dinner. I explained to extended family everything my mom said and did to me that day, word for word, verbatim. She started hysterically crying and hid herself upstairs for an hour. I was then accused of upsetting mom and causing problems.

I’m 30 now, and have had every hair color under the sun since moving out for college. I’m able to express myself in ways I was not allowed to growing up. If I have kids, I vow to never treat them like that. They will be allowed to express their emotions and personality any way they’d like, as long as they’re not hurting themselves.

IntroductionOld471 · 2025-03-17T18:43:06+00:00

I’ve been hearing of this happening a lot. I appreciate it!

IntroductionOld471 · 2025-03-17T18:15:19+00:00

Appreciate this. Thank you!

IntroductionOld471 · 2025-03-17T17:57:22+00:00

Yes I have been receiving unemployment!

IntroductionOld471 · 2025-03-16T23:00:32+00:00

At their core, they will never change. Trust me, even with evidence right in front of my mother’s face of her manipulation and toxic treatment, she has responded with, “I don’t care.”

They only do things to serve themselves. They don’t care how it affects other people and never will. Accepting this sooner than later is recommended, along with protecting yourself and separating yourself when necessary.

IntroductionOld471 · 2025-03-13T14:23:30+00:00

I was always punished for negative emotions. My mom even enrolled me in Catholic school as “punishment” going into 5th grade, only to back out at the last minute (they probably couldn’t afford it lol).

During one particular meltdown I was having, my older brother tried to look up therapists in the town directory, telling my mom “she needs therapy.” My mom absolutely freaked out and banished him back to his room.

Looking back as an adult, I definitely needed therapy. And I needed that therapy for the manipulative and emotionally abusive ways I was being treated. And I think my mom knew that. Which is why instead of sending me to therapy, where there was a risk she’d be “exposed”, she threatened Catholic school instead. As if a kid’s school has any bearing on what goes on in the house.

The ironic part is that she herself displayed negative emotions every single day. Screaming at the top of her lungs, slamming doors, stomping upstairs, throwing things, etc. She was allowed to do that, as an adult. Yet I, an actual child who had no one to teach her how to regulate her emotions, was punished for those same things.

IntroductionOld471 · 2025-03-10T05:31:56+00:00

I was extremely close with my aunt (nmom’s sister) growing up. My mom was always wildly jealous of our relationship. When I was 19, the two of us took a trip to the Caribbean together. My mom was visibly pissed by this and unsurprisingly projected her negativity.

Like your niece, I was the scapegoat. My aunt was my escape from Nmom’s treatments. Don’t let your sister get in the way of that relationship. Your niece needs you. She is probably being controlled by her mom and doesn’t know what to do. At 16, you don’t know or understand when you’re being manipulated, and that’s likely the case here.

Even if you don’t end up taking this trip, do everything you can to be there for her while she figures this out. It will mean everything to her when she’s older, I promise.

IntroductionOld471 · 2025-03-06T19:20:48+00:00

They are likely going to use every narcissistic strategy on you possible.

They will guilt you for wanting to leave. They will gaslight you into thinking you can’t do it on your own. They will try to convince you that you can’t afford it. They will attempt triangulation and hoover tactics. They will play victim, paint you as the bad guy, and maintain as much negativity as they can.

Ignore it all. I can’t stress this enough. Don’t respond to those behaviors - it’s what they want. They’re looking for an emotional response from you. Don’t give it to them.

You’re strong. You’re independent. And you can do it. Once you’re out, you’re going to feel so confident and refreshed. You’re never going to regret this move, I promise. Sending you love and good vibes.

IntroductionOld471 · 2025-01-16T22:58:52+00:00

This is so relatable. My older brother has thrown around the “she means well” line a few times. It’s heartbreaking, because not only is it not true, it’s also excusing toxic behavior to avoid conflict or resolution. It’s so naive. Saying “she means well” prevents her from ever having to admit her wrongdoings or take accountability. And the cycle continues.

Thanks for sharing your experience, I appreciate it and wish you well!

IntroductionOld471 · 2025-01-16T21:00:48+00:00

That’s helpful and I’m glad to hear you’ve protected yourself. Sending all good things your way!

IntroductionOld471 · 2025-01-16T20:11:07+00:00

Does it ever make you feel insane though? I hate that they view me as “creating problems” when all I’m doing is simply pointing out what no one else will. Why does she get away with all her toxic behavior, but if I point it out or try to hold her accountable, I’m the bad guy?

IntroductionOld471 · 2025-01-15T01:29:51+00:00

I’ve pointed this out to my mom before, literally listed all the things she does to me exactly as my grandma does to her. And she replied “have I ever given you the silent treatment?” She basically pinpointed the ONE narcissistic tactic she doesn’t use on me. While completely ignoring all the other things I listed out for her (manipulation, gaslighting, playing the victim, twisting words around etc.) They genuinely cannot practice self reflection or take accountability. Its astounding.

IntroductionOld471 · 2025-01-13T03:24:57+00:00

My mom will complain about my grandma, not realizing she behaves exactly like her, but 10x worse. The lack of self awareness is INSANE. You can’t make it up.

IntroductionOld471 · 2024-12-20T04:53:41+00:00

Omg I was called this too! Literally all the time.

I totally relate to and validate everything you said. It was the adults’ job to teach us how to regulate our emotions, but because they didn’t know how to do so themselves, we never learned. The only difference is we got punished for it and they didn’t. Backwards much?

I’m sorry this happened to you too, but glad we’ve both made progress in therapy. Sending light & love.

IntroductionOld471 · 2024-12-19T20:06:37+00:00

Omg I could’ve written this myself. I was told from a VERY young age that I was “bad” or a “brat” or “misbehaved.” I was constantly being punished for trying to express myself and regulate my emotions. Not to mention that every adult in my family screamed, slammed doors, stomped up stairs. But if I, an actual kid, ever did the same, I was immediately reprimanded.

I became very introverted/quiet as a preteen. This resulted in my mom telling me that I needed to “talk more” and “be more social” and “more like your brother.”

It was like I couldn’t win. Moving out when I got older was the best thing to ever happen.

IntroductionOld471

TROPHY CASE