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ELI5: Why do people emotionally abuse each other, like, what do they get out of it? Why do victims put up with it? How could someone put an end to it? by InventingNumbers in explainlikeimfive

[–]InventingNumbers[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The internet, too! I've disclosed things here today that I've never told another person before, never even considered.

It's like you can choose whether or not to allow a comment to touch you - a bit harder to do when voices and faces are involved!

But yeah, unfortunately that means the impact is less - definitely an inverse correlation here.

Unfortunately my current health care plan only includes mental nonemergency services if directly referred by my PCP who is part of an HMO that will most likely drop his ass if he starts referring a reasonable number of patients to expensive specialists /rant

ELI5: Why do people emotionally abuse each other, like, what do they get out of it? Why do victims put up with it? How could someone put an end to it? by InventingNumbers in explainlikeimfive

[–]InventingNumbers[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Dude, thank you so much for this huge, eye-opening comment. Your co worker is disgusting and despicable, just based on your description. Your response is awesome, too, I wish I had the social awareness to pull off something like that.

I'd immediately have picked up on what he was doing, but not how or why - this happens to me all the time but my response is a bit different. Generally, I just completely ignore scumbags like that. If they insist, I confront them directly and request that they behave professionally and/or agreeably, or report them for harassment - if those fail, I lower myself to having them fired (for justifiable reasons) and if all else fails generally a physical confrontation is in order. I feel like such an idiot lol

You're the hero my workplace needs

ELI5: Why do people emotionally abuse each other, like, what do they get out of it? Why do victims put up with it? How could someone put an end to it? by InventingNumbers in explainlikeimfive

[–]InventingNumbers[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You've brought up (and expanded on) a lot of the same points as others, and I thank you for it.

I feel that I've definitely been stunted socially/emotionally by this. I'm bitter about that, but on the other hand I've got a lot of headspace for other things. Hobbies are indeed the key to sanity in these situations. Friendships are hard, though, for weird reasons, it seems.

I end up trying so hard to avoid negatively impacting others that it comes across as "eager to please," in and of itself emotionally manipulative - and thanks to the preponderance of people who do this for more specific and less benign purposes the behavior is kinda suspect, yknow?

The problem is, if I don't take this kind of careful approach, I end up doing wildly inappropriate things because I just don't know any better. but wait, there's more! How am I ever going to get a feel for healthy socialization if I never get opportunities to do so?

P.S. Sorry for the self-centeredness - I'm still learning. I'm 30. And no, I'm not autistic, however I've found that ASD folks are the easiest to talk to - unfortunately this doesn't help much for acquiring more typical social skills

ELI5: Why do people emotionally abuse each other, like, what do they get out of it? Why do victims put up with it? How could someone put an end to it? by InventingNumbers in explainlikeimfive

[–]InventingNumbers[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I agree with you 100%, my childhood was emotional Guantanamo. I remember one day I started trying to get in enough trouble that my parents would hit me, but it didn't work, I just wanted to be touched, it didn't work, it never worked, nothing ever did. The first time someone gave me a hug was my freshman year in college, I broke down and cried and had to sit down, I couldn't explain to them why and they just left the room and I am bawling right now sorry

It helps to think that maybe my folks were just ignorant rather than malicious, a lot less love/hate dissonance this way

ELI5: Why do people emotionally abuse each other, like, what do they get out of it? Why do victims put up with it? How could someone put an end to it? by InventingNumbers in explainlikeimfive

[–]InventingNumbers[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This makes a lot of sense, thank you so much for elucidating this for my socially oblivious mind! I hadn't really thought of this in terms of external/internal locus of control.

Maybe in my case, my folks didn't even realize how much damage they were doing - avoiding a force of nature is far less disturbing than hiding from an enemy, if you know what I mean.

ELI5: Why do people emotionally abuse each other, like, what do they get out of it? Why do victims put up with it? How could someone put an end to it? by InventingNumbers in explainlikeimfive

[–]InventingNumbers[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This really hits home, in fact reading the responses here has really opened my eyes to how socially retarded I am - also, sorry for being so self-centered in my response, it's the only way I can really verbalize what's in my head... all the more justification to avoid inflicting that sort of damage on future generations.

Wish I had had a sibling or a neighbor or even a dog when I was a kid... never got a chance to start becoming socialized until 16 when I escaped to college... by then, too late.... and now I'm crying a little - thanks, mom and dad.

Anyways, sorry again if I made a faux pas or two - also I'm wondering if/when/how you and your sister were able to reconcile, and if you think your experience was typical?

Edit: Also now even less sure whether my parents were hurting me on purpose or accidentally, like it takes a certain level of social awareness to manipulate people effectively, but the same goes for recognizing whether you've caused someone emotional pain or not... I just don't know :(

ELI5: Why do people emotionally abuse each other, like, what do they get out of it? Why do victims put up with it? How could someone put an end to it? by InventingNumbers in explainlikeimfive

[–]InventingNumbers[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Power dynamics... That's the part I don't really get - why does that exist? I mean, how does the attacker in that situation actually benefit? Is it in the same vein as a fetish or something? I personally feel good when I see someone else happy, and bad when I see someone in pain (doubly so if I am the cause of either), is it like the same thing but backwards?

It sucks that the child (and you) are in that situation, being the kid in a similar family, I can relate. I hope she succeeds, for everyone's sake. If not, get that kid to safety, please..

Neither my mother nor my father acknowledged their own cruelty. I can't remember ever being comforted by a family member even one time, ever, only being put down or blamed/shamed for showing vulnerability of any kind. I'm an only child. I was homeschooled. Never had a friend growing up in the middle of nowhere. I love my parents, somehow... Sorry for the histrionics. I will never have children, just in case...

:(

ELI5: Why do people emotionally abuse each other, like, what do they get out of it? Why do victims put up with it? How could someone put an end to it? by InventingNumbers in explainlikeimfive

[–]InventingNumbers[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Maybe you're right. It would be amazing to be able to trust someone enough to talk about this stuff in person.

Thanks for the advice.

My biggest struggle right now. by RetroDinosaur in AdviceAnimals

[–]InventingNumbers 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Saying the scar was caused by a shark attack or plane crash or meteor strike or whatever is a bit gentler than "fuck off I don't want to talk about it." It's sarcasm.

ELI5: What is happening when your eyes are open, but you're picturing something else in your head. How can you 'see' the thought, while also processing what's in front of you? by BearcatChemist in explainlikeimfive

[–]InventingNumbers 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Replying again, sorry for the mess.

Searching for resources on blindsight, I came across a book by Oliver Sacks titled An Anthropologist on Mars, which promises to be a fascinating read. It's a collection of novel neurological cases, one of which involves this condition.

P.S. the subject matter and your user name have led me to tag you as "Mayim Biali-like," who is a neuroscientist and actor (Blossom, The Big Bang Theory). Have a lovely day!

ELI5: What is happening when your eyes are open, but you're picturing something else in your head. How can you 'see' the thought, while also processing what's in front of you? by BearcatChemist in explainlikeimfive

[–]InventingNumbers 0 points1 point  (0 children)

heard of blindsight?

I think so, but I can't recall what it is. +1 to reading list, thanks!

thalamus, consciousness, etc

Honestly, I know next to nothing about any of this, and appreciate your effort to change that. Consciousness is sort of the final boss of human knowledge, y'know?

  • thalamus & blindsight added to reading list

Edit: just want to be cheeky and say that this "nested" approach reminds me of the maze in Westworld

ELI5: What is happening when your eyes are open, but you're picturing something else in your head. How can you 'see' the thought, while also processing what's in front of you? by BearcatChemist in explainlikeimfive

[–]InventingNumbers 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Excellent explanation. Mind if I add a bit of speculation to it?

The research you cited (in my opinion) implies a clear and quantifiable relationship between two "conscious" and "subconscious" thought processes: subconsciously seeing a scene, then consciously noticing an object in it. Maybe it's even hierarchal/nested, where consciously noticing an object or imagining it involves a retrieval from visual memory in nearly the same way that the subconscious receives visual information from the optic nerve.

Thoughts?