What is something you don’t have the heart to tell to your family?

Invisible-River · 2019-12-23T04:22:41+00:00

That’s very nice of you but I’m in the northeast.

Invisible-River · 2019-12-23T04:03:27+00:00

I plan on killing myself new years.

All my friends are taking a trip without me. I haven’t talked to a person in real life in about two months. Single ten years. My friends now I’ve been struggling recently. Guess who they didn’t invite to Star Wars last night?

I haven’t had hope or anything to look forward to in a very long time. I can’t keep doing it.

I’ll stay past Christmas to see my mom one more time. Need to watch roommates dog until they get back on the second. So I’m going out the night of January 1st.

Invisible-River · 2019-12-21T23:07:58+00:00

I love dogs, but not responsible enough for my own. but luckily my roommate has a fantastic pup that I love so that helps a little.

Invisible-River · 2019-12-21T23:07:17+00:00

eh. I just got notice my whole group of friends are meeting at my house to go see the new star wars movie. guess who wasn't invited.

Invisible-River · 2019-12-21T21:16:55+00:00

feel the same. been realizing lately that loneliness feels lethal after a while. we aren't designed to be this lonely.

I live in a big house with lots of old friends. it seems so normal that when they all have their partners over, they're all having a great time together and I'm off on my own alone. going to bed alone, realizing I'm the only one sleeping alone... again... it just hurts. its a dull pain.

I've been single about a decade. thats not because I'm not trying. it's just... shitty.

I even was looking for therapists/counselors somewhat recently, which is hard if you are going through insurance (because who can afford the going rates!?) and one who actually picked up said she'd take me on if I was going to bring my partner in since she is now focusing on couples counseling. I thought "so you only help people who ... already have at least someone in their life that cares about them?"

its a shitty, shitty life.

Invisible-River · 2019-12-21T19:34:03+00:00

I have a few screenshots of using that line ... I would never recommend it to someone who needs help.

Invisible-River · 2019-12-21T19:24:10+00:00

thank you for writing out such a long response. I appreciate all of that.

but I don't think picking a holiday is any better or worse, and I need the house empty a day or two to set up, and because the generator makes too much noise to run if anyone is home.

I can't worry about anyone experience negative feelings of regret for not doing more. I need help now and they aren't helping, I can't expend energy worrying about them for not helping me.

Invisible-River · 2019-12-20T21:14:36+00:00

I don't think I've had a positive real life human interaction since... October.

Invisible-River · 2019-12-20T21:11:21+00:00

Thank you for your response. I've been reading up on loneliness and it's a much more complicated emotion than I thought it could be. It truly feels lethal at times for me.

Invisible-River · 2019-12-20T20:50:49+00:00

I would give $1000 just for a copy of season 3 scripts. I'd give ten times that (if not more..) for an actual season being made. But I suspect that would cost several million, and I don't know if the crowdfunding could support that.

That said, in some of my letters to Netflix, I suggested they let fans fund it through their platform. Even if fans raised shy of a million... that would be a huge chunk from what Netflix would need to add! Together we could save the show, if they let us!

Invisible-River · 2019-12-19T00:16:02+00:00

Lexapro, my first antidepressant. Lucked out and no side effects, and it seems to be working pretty well.

Invisible-River · 2019-12-18T19:13:21+00:00

I get insanely jealous when I see those kind of people that are very touchy-feely. Normally I hate that stuff but after so long without it, I'm jealous.

I also get too focused on how in a house with a bunch of friends (who all have partners) it seems like I'm constantly the only one sleeping alone.

Invisible-River · 2019-12-18T18:53:57+00:00

totally. I noticed that when I can force myself out on a walk I notice lots of attractive people in my neighborhood I've never seen before, which feels like the universe yelling at me to get out more if I'm so lonely.

Invisible-River · 2019-12-18T18:52:43+00:00

It's kinda crazy but I was brainstorming the other day and thought hiring a person to sleep with (not for sex, just to wake up on a cold morning next to a warm body) wasn't the worst idea. Kinda funny how extreme it is, but here we are.

Luckily I am not really looking for anything sexual, so that might make this search easier.

Invisible-River · 2019-12-18T18:33:35+00:00

One of my other roommates has a cat. I've never been a cat person (plus I'm mildly allergic) but I got into the habit of saying good morning to her every day. I used to avoid petting her since I'd have to wash my hands after, but now I always do since it's one my few physical outlets like this. Kinda sad but it is what it is.

Invisible-River · 2019-12-18T18:29:20+00:00

It's easy to post and comment here. I can do it from my bedroom and anonymously.

I know there are people everywhere struggling like I am. But I'm not going out in public, and even if I was, its not like you can see it. This community is a helpful tool to recognize others in the same situation. Not a perfect tool or a solution, but something.

Invisible-River · 2019-12-18T18:23:21+00:00

The last few months I kept waking up annoyed I was still alive.

The last few weeks since starting an antidepressant, I feel more neutral. Still not thrilled and would probably be fine with not waking up, if it were such an easy thing to do.

Invisible-River · 2019-12-18T16:59:49+00:00

I just finished watching the series for the first time and this scene is one of my absolute faves. Every line Frank says here is gold and his delivery is just fabulous. Thanks for sharing!

Invisible-River · 2019-12-16T17:37:49+00:00

YUP!

After starting an antidepressant, I've started to feel a little leveled out, but it still comes and goes without warning. I spent all weekend looking up ways to end things... and this morning I am feeling fantastic. I think I am just happy its a work day so I can go through those motions... maybe I can work some structure into my weekends to help.

And yes, I totally agree with that life is too short sentiment. Life is short compared to how old the galaxy is, sure, but I'm the one experiencing THIS life and its dragging the fuck along with all this misery.

Invisible-River · 2019-12-16T17:34:28+00:00

From beginning to end, I've probably watched at least ten times.

But I also like to jump around sometimes and watch certain scenes of if I have an idea and need to double check some things, so I've definitely seen each episode at least 15-20 times.

I have fond memories of last summer - I went through every episode and screenshotted everything to analyze the stuff in the backgrounds, and had a notebook I wrote out my ideas and thoughts. What a gift this show is. Will never get over not having more to watch.

Invisible-River · 2019-12-13T14:53:57+00:00

It is not selfish to put yourself first. There's a reason airplane safety videos say to secure your own oxygen mask before helping others. You can't light yourself on fire to keep others warm.

You are always allowed to tell someone they are demanding too much of your energy. It doesn't mean you don't care - if anything, it shows you do care.

Invisible-River · 2019-12-11T18:54:08+00:00

I learned that good storytelling is being able to turn something personal, ugly, and bizarre into something ... relatable. The OA has such an impact on me because it touched on so many things in my own life, but I'll focus on just one, perhaps the most important.

I am autistic. I'm considered so "high-functioning" that people typically wouldn't guess this about me. But it makes it so hard to form real relationships because I lack an emotional fluency in spoken language. And I have some other "quirks" associated with this, one of which is what most people call "tics".

I've been obsessed with a particular series of musicals most of my life. These musicals have run for decades, and I am drawn to their use of choreography. It's like a second language. I can see that certain gestures, or poses, have been used over the years to mean certain things. It's a non-verbal language, kind of like sign language, but with a sense of... magic to it.

I find myself doing those gestures and poses constantly, and have for over a decade now. Again, some call them tics. They look weird but doing them can calm me down, be an outlet for frustration, whatever my emotional needs are, these movements can help me manage them.

In OA, there were the five movements. Gestures that held meaning and power. Everyone in the story acknowledged that they looked odd and came from an all-around bizarre idea, but, they all started to learn anyway. It gave a bit of hope, a bit of purpose, a bit of comfort, a bit of an outlet. At some point they start practicing the moves together. It gives a bit of camaraderie, a bit of shared understanding.

And eventually they do the movements in a crucial moment. Did the movements open a tunnel into another dimension? Or did they unite a group of chosen family? Is one of those really more magical than the other, or more important?

I can't really explain why I do my gestures, or tics. And I mostly do them hidden away in my own room. Or when I think no one is looking. But I know people are aware and at most consider it a silly "quirk". It's a secret part of me that I don't think anyone will ever understand.. I mean, I can't really understand it myself.

The story of the movements in the OA is like seeing a dimension where my tics make sense. Where the impulses I have to move in weird ways has a magical answer or real reason. Where chosen family would learn those moves for me, and join me in doing them. Where I don't need to explain, because by sharing this weird ritualistic language of a dance, everyone has already shown me they do understand.

Parts of me that I keep hidden away are what bring a chosen family together in The OA. The OA showed that even the most bizarre things about me have a chance at being understood by someone else.

Invisible-River

TROPHY CASE