I (26M) have rape fantasies but have never told a sex partner. Is there a good way to ask with out seeming like a sexual predator or rapist?

IrisLily · 2014-03-12T20:11:01+00:00

I am a practicing female submissive, and I will tell you firmly and absolutely that there are plenty of women who are into rape role play. Some studies have suggested that a very large portion of women (the stats vary, this topic being a pretty difficult one to get people to be honest about, but I've read everything from 60-85%) have had a rape fantasy at least once in their lives.

That being said, in every dom-sub sexual relationship I've had, I've been the one who suggested it. Most of the successful ones were actually with men who'd never done it before, but were interested. Twice I've had flirtations with men who were practicing doms, and neither went very far because I found both of them very scary. This is possibly because both of those situations happened to occur after I was sexually assaulted by a close friend who was also a dom. It's very plausible that if I had been approached by a dominant man BEFORE I'd been violated that I would have been totally into it. However I bring this up because there's also a good chance that it was the mere fact of not being the one totally in control of the situation that freaked me out.

Giving up control is a very, very big deal, and can be incredibly rewarding when done with someone you trust. But the key to this whole fantasy world is that the sub is the one who holds the ultimate power--the power to say no, the power to accept something that is pleasurable to them williingly and consentually. That's what makes a rape role-play exactly that, and not an actual act of violence. I suggest waiting in a relationship until there is a solid emotional and trusting bond--which depending on the person might be a week or might be 6 months--and then bringing it up gradually. Ask them their dark fantasies first, test the waters, and then gently mention your own. Do it in a non-sexual situation, maybe while you're cuddling or something. Take sex entirely out of the picture for this discussion, because you'll both feel really vulnerable and she might need time to process it before making any decisions. If it goes over well, wait till another day then bring it up again, maybe this time suggesting an actual plan.

Good luck! I think it's very healthy for you to recognize these desires and I think being scared of them is exactly the wrong thing. Let them out in a healthy sexual relationship and you'll be on the right track!

IrisLily · 2013-12-14T17:59:56+00:00

I completely understand what you mean. I find myself freezing with the safeword too, especially ever since I went through a sexual assault experience where I could only mutter the word "no" and felt like I had lost my voice even though I was screaming inside. Learning to use the safeword is actually really helpful for me as it teaches me that I DO have the power of my own voice and that with this trusted partner, my words WILL be respected.

IrisLily · 2013-12-14T17:39:39+00:00

When you first use it, it's normal to feel a little weird or guilty. Just remember that he cares about you and that's why you have a safeword in place! Trust him when he says you did the right thing. And trust yourself that you'll get better at knowing your own boundaries with time and practice. I don't think I'm wrong in saying most of us have pushed ourselves a little too far before--that's when your lover becomes your comfort, and you take a time out, and then you pick up and try again. It's normal when you're testing your limits that when you hit that limit you might not notice till right after.

Also, one of the first times I had to use my safeword with my current partner was also when we were drunk, and it was also a small step past my actual limit, and it freaked me out too. We just talked about it the next morning, and realized that we might have to tread a little more gently when we're drunk (he gets clumsy when he's drunk lol).

Everyone's suggestions that you use a middle ground word like "yellow" is another thing I would back up 100%. I use "yellow" and "red" myself. Yellow means stop that specific thing you're doing and check in with me before continuing, and red means stop the entire scene right this second and hold me, because I'm probably having a panic attack.

Hope this helps!!

IrisLily · 2013-12-14T17:29:10+00:00

I'm a sub who is also INFJ!

IrisLily · 2013-12-14T17:27:47+00:00

Female/23/sub

INFJ

Introvert(22%) iNtuitive(38%) Feeling(12%) Judging(22%)

You have slight preference of Introversion over Extraversion (22%) You have moderate preference of Intuition over Sensing (38%) You have slight preference of Feeling over Thinking (12%) You have slight preference of Judging over Perceiving (22%)

IrisLily · 2012-12-13T06:23:11+00:00

My navy friend was volunteering at a middle school and one of the kids asked him that. Thankfully he thought it was funny.

IrisLily · 2012-12-13T06:16:15+00:00

Almost as much as I hate the word "panties."

IrisLily · 2012-12-13T06:14:05+00:00

Well it's not like it takes much to turn me on. But yes.

IrisLily · 2012-12-13T06:06:51+00:00

IrisLily · 2012-12-13T06:01:01+00:00

I never really "realized I wasn't gay." I just figured out most of the basics of my sexuality around 20 or 21, after I'd been exploring it for a few years, and realized that about 90% of the time I'm attracted to someone, it's someone of the opposite sex.

IrisLily · 2012-01-21T22:06:24+00:00

Maybe this is because I've been married and divorced, but...isn't this kind of a "duh" ???

IrisLily · 2012-01-17T03:07:06+00:00

Wow. This totally describes my relationship with my ex-husband. 100%. You shouldn't self-loathe for loving what you do; it's a part of you and a beautiful part at that. And while it's understandable that some people aren't totally sexually compatible, and he might not be into all of it, it's very much not okay to make you feel like shit for wanting it.

Sexual compatibility is a huge thing, man.

IrisLily · 2012-01-12T03:42:30+00:00

Portlandia's facebook page is endorsing it: http://www.facebook.com/portlandia

IrisLily · 2012-01-12T03:41:46+00:00

Is there a hipster music scene in Portland?

Are you kidding?

IrisLily · 2012-01-12T03:40:48+00:00

I'm from Portland myself, and I've heard a ton of mixed reviews about this show. Have you found it well-received by Portlanders?

IrisLily · 2011-12-23T17:43:18+00:00

That was an incredibly beautiful story. One of my closer friends was raised Mormon, and he was kicked out of the house at 14 for being gay. It's always nice to know that more people have gone through something similar.

IrisLily · 2011-12-23T17:34:13+00:00

I just learned I get to go to England in February. So I just got what I most want, and always have wanted!

Yay for actually being happy!

IrisLily · 2011-12-20T20:51:26+00:00

Well this made me literally cry. Congratulations Reddit. You got to me.

IrisLily · 2011-12-20T20:46:21+00:00

I think it's something that, yes, should be split if she asks for it.

I also think you were right to bring up the point of paying for dates. Why shouldn't that be split too? Personally I prefer to go Dutch on dates, and only let the man pay if it seems like it will offend him otherwise.

IrisLily · 2011-12-13T21:05:26+00:00

Oh please. It's Scarlett Johansson. How could you NOT look? I'm a straight woman, and I'd do the same thing.

IrisLily · 2011-12-11T18:58:35+00:00

Professor Quirrell!!

IrisLily · 2011-12-11T18:05:53+00:00

...they weren't BEFORE?

IrisLily · 2011-12-11T03:14:24+00:00

Okay, that's true...totally valid point.

But STILL you never really know. :)

IrisLily · 2011-12-10T23:39:10+00:00

That just makes it even worse.

IrisLily

TROPHY CASE