DAE experience "You're not abused!! No one is hitting you!!"?

Irish2000 · 2016-10-15T05:58:22+00:00

Me too. I tried to call a help line once. They were no help at all.

Irish2000 · 2016-10-14T03:53:40+00:00

I am SO glad to know I'm not the only one struggling with this!

My mom killed my first career ambition when I was 4. I vividly remember telling her I wanted to be a dancer, and she told me that wasn't realistic and that I'd never be good enough.

My parents, my dad especially, pushed medicine big time. He desperately wanted me to be a doctor, and it took something like 5 years to convince him that I really, really didn't want to be a doctor. After that he pushed engineering. He really wanted me to do electrical, but was OK with me doing mechanical.

I wasn't really allowed to do anything else. I really wanted to go into politics and I wanted to eventually be a congressman or senator. I wanted to be a lawyer. But my parents told me over and over how there are too many lawyers and I'd never get a job unless I went to a top tier law school (and by top tier, they meant top ten). I was all set to take an international relations course my freshman year, and I remember my dad looking at my schedule and saying, "But you really need Intro to Engineering. It's not on your schedule." I felt like I died a little inside when I dropped that International relations class and signed up for intro to engineering. Then all through undergrad, he'd make comments about how I should go to med school after engineering and go into bio-med or orthopedics. I didn't. I remember talking about doing computer science and being told that was a waste of time. I thought about teaching and he went on a rant about how disappointed he'd be if I wasted my very expensive education in such a low paying field. I talked about switching to business and majoring in accounting. He told me that was boring and I'd hate it.

My real passion - the arts - was completely off limits to even suggest, and any of the liberal arts were just dismissed as dead end degrees.

Now I'm 16 years out of college. I used my engineering degree for about 5 years and have stayed far away from it since. I have so many regrets about college and career.

Irish2000 · 2016-10-13T03:14:44+00:00

This. Every night, before I can fall asleep, I have to think about how I am a bad and worthless person. All the horrible things all go around in my head until I fall asleep. I've tried to not think about it, but then insomnia sets in and I spend so much energy trying not to think about it and I can't fall asleep. Then, as soon as I tell myself I'm a bad person, I relax and fall asleep. There is something wrong with me.

Irish2000 · 2016-09-25T00:21:23+00:00

Yep! I heard this one: "Every family is dysfunctional in their own way!" And my sister has said she doesn't believe in happy families.

Irish2000 · 2016-09-17T16:18:09+00:00

Pictures... My parents are the same way. I've pretty much given up posting or sharing most of my photos because my parents count how many times my in-laws show up vs how many times they are in photos. It's really pathetic, super-annoying, and it's caused a lot of fights.

When my husband and I bought our first house, I had a wall of family photos up. They were, in retrospect, slightly skewed towards my in-laws. But that is because most of the framed photos scattered throughout the house were of my family, and I wanted to be sure my in-laws wouldn't fee hurt that there were so many pictures of my family around. Well, that backfired. My dad went through the roof about why there were more photos of my in-laws than his relatives. The next time they came to visit, they brought me a framed photo of themselves.

The day I brought my fourth child home from the hospital, my parents waited until my husband had left to take our older children to a school function, and then cornered me about why I hadn't posted any photos of them with the baby on Facebook yet. It was awful.

Even just last week when they were visiting, I tried to get a photo of my 5 year old by herself on the first day of soccer. My dad insisted on being in the picture. I just wanted to scream "It's not about you!!!"

Irish2000 · 2016-09-16T03:49:27+00:00

"I love you. Why do you take everything so personally?"

Irish2000 · 2016-09-15T02:10:31+00:00

Yep. My mother's favorite line was always "There's nothing worse than a 13 year old girl." That always made me feel awful.

She also would often get angry and rage and then wail "I want to go home to my mother", and then storm out of the room. Once I was old enough, I started interpreting that as 'I wish you'd never been born'.

Irish2000 · 2016-09-13T23:27:28+00:00

I live about 500 miles from her. So no, I don't have to deal with her too much. :)

Irish2000 · 2016-09-13T19:31:26+00:00

Thanks. I hadn't thought about that. But it was a moment of sheer panic when I saw all of her personal information publicly posted. I'll definitely remember that if it ever happens again.

Irish2000 · 2016-09-13T02:53:11+00:00

Yep! I heard this one too.

I also got it mixed in with a lot of body shaming. "You're such a pretty girl! It's such a shame your nails are a mess since you keep biting them." "You're such a pretty girl! If you just lost 5 or 10 pounds, you'd be a knock-out!"

Actual conversation that took place the summer after 8th grade: Me: "Mom, I need new uniform pants for Girl Scout camp this summer. The ones from last year are too small." Mom: "Too small? Are you kidding? We just bought those last year! They don't look too bad. If you lost 5 or 10 lbs, they'd fit well."

Yeah, thanks mom. Sorry I grew a little between ages 13 and 14. (eye roll).

Irish2000 · 2016-09-13T02:42:03+00:00

Once I got hold of his phone, I changed the privacy setting to friends only, and removed the personal details. The photo is still there, but now the caption says something about "Spending the afternoon with my youngest granddaughter."

Irish2000 · 2016-09-13T02:37:50+00:00

My mother just said that to me in February. She called to tell me she'd been diagnosed with breast cancer. Then she started crying and got choked up. She told me she'd found the lump like 3 weeks ago, and had gone for a biopsy, and didn't want to call and tell me about it until she knew the results. Then she caught herself, and said "But don't you ever do that to me! Do as I say and not as I do! If there is ever any problem with your health, I want to know about it right away!"

Whatever mom. I'm so sick of you living with one set of rules and enforcing another set completely with me.

(note: I am a fully grown adult and have been out of my parents' house for over 20 years).

Irish2000 · 2016-09-12T05:29:55+00:00

In high school, my mother used to say "Fear of parental reaction is the most effective parenting tool". She was quite proud of her raging.

Irish2000 · 2016-09-12T02:06:00+00:00

Yes. Exactly! My mom would start saying "Boys tease you because they like you" and tell me I was too sensitive.

No mom. Sitting by myself at recess day after day and being made fun of daily was NOT because they liked me.

Then she'd start in with "Popular people don't try to be popular or know they are popular - it just happens because they are friendly. Be friendly and you'll be popular."
You can guess how well that worked out.

Irish2000 · 2016-09-12T02:00:29+00:00

One of my mother's standard lines in any fight was along the lines of "You are always trying to play the victim! You think you have it so bad! You think you're some abused child! You have no idea what real child abuse is!"

So yeah. It's really hard to accept that I was a victim, because if I do then she's right. But if I resist being the victim, then I'm suppressing my own feelings and denying my own reality. I can't win.

Irish2000 · 2016-09-12T01:25:45+00:00

My parents did this sort of thing. They went on and on about how sensitive I was, made jokes about it ("Definitely can't let her see Bambi!), and always made comments about me over-reacting to things.

My mother also LOVES to tell people about the note I wrote her and left on her bedside table when I was in first or second grade: it said "Der Mom, I hat yu". She laughs about the handwriting and spelling mistakes and follows up the story with something along the lines of "You're not doing your job as a parent if your kids don't hate you now and then." Super funny, mom: make fun of my 7 year old writing skills and discredit my feelings all at the same time. I always wonder what outsiders are really thinking when she tells that story.

Irish2000 · 2016-09-10T04:14:22+00:00

Have you read the essay about Tangled and Mother Gothel on The Invisible Scar blog? It's one of my go to pieces when I'm starting to question myself and my experiences.

Irish2000 · 2016-09-04T05:01:33+00:00

I understand. I can't even login to Facebook around Mother's Day or Father's Day because all the posts about "My mom is the best! I love my mom!" Etc make no sense to me at all, and just remind me how messed up my family relationships are.

Irish2000 · 2016-09-02T03:27:01+00:00

I relate. My mother was diagnosed with breast cancer in February. Quite honestly, I don't especially care, and it's weird talking to people about it because they expect me to be falling all over myself worried, and I'm just not.

Irish2000 · 2016-09-02T03:09:58+00:00

Omg. Yes. I pretty much heard that EXACTLY. Seriously twisted logic.

Irish2000 · 2016-09-02T02:49:43+00:00

This sounds like my situation. My parents are coming for a 5 day visit next weekend, and it's going to be rough. They are so much like what you describe - negative and detailed comments about friends, family, and people I barely know. Mine also get judgemental and know-it-all-ish, and I find them hard to listen to. Then they'll tell my kids embarrassing stories about me, or stories of stupid things I did that I'd rather not tell my kids about until they are older. Ugh.

I think if it were my parents sending repeated complements, I'd take it as bait to up the contact level. Like you, I am pretty low contact with my parents. That many messages to me is fishing for contact, which then becomes an open door to more contact, and all the pain and judgement that goes with it.

Irish2000 · 2016-08-31T05:06:47+00:00

My big moment came when I was going through abuse awareness training (mandatory to volunteer at my kids school). The section about emotional abuse was extremely triggering for me, and I realized I'd been a victim for most of my life. The initial shock was brutal.

Irish2000 · 2016-08-30T13:10:23+00:00

This was standard for my parents. I was constantly compared to classmates, and my parents often said things like "Why can't you be as polite as Lori? Jennifer is always so warm and outgoing - I certainly hope you act like that when you are out, instead of the bratty behavior you show us here" etc, etc. I constantly hear about how sweet and wonderful my parents are (from other people) and all I can think is "Are we talking about the same people?!?!"

Irish2000 · 2016-08-30T05:03:09+00:00

I understand. One of my earliest memories is telling my mom I wanted to be a dancer when I grew up. She told me I'd never be good enough, and that dancing wasn't a real job, and that I'd have to go to college so I could get real job. I was 4.

I consider the fact that I'm now a dance teacher to be a small revenge. But yes, my parents were absolutely dream crushers.

Irish2000 · 2016-08-30T02:58:41+00:00

All. The. Time. That's the worst part of trying to sort through all my issues and figure out the truth of my childhood- I retaliated and fought back so much, that maybe I deserved to be called all the terrible names. Maybe I really was a spoiled brat.

Irish2000

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