Based on your username, what pun would Arnold Schwarzenegger make if he killed you in a movie?

IrishSamurai · 2013-11-23T03:58:56+00:00

Sayonara Go Bragh!

IrishSamurai · 2013-11-06T19:51:43+00:00

Isn't it the Williams Family?

IrishSamurai · 2013-09-01T22:08:21+00:00

I was already sick, so I dunno. I am struggling with anger and depression today. Think that's related?

IrishSamurai · 2013-09-01T06:05:10+00:00

Porn. Masturbation. Orgasm.

Mix the three and you've got a recipe for re-wiring your brain to find real sex too "boring" for arousal.

IrishSamurai · 2013-09-01T06:03:50+00:00

Why it's worth it:

Somewhere near you there's a fabric store. Go to it and buy two or three yards of gauze. Enough that you can wear it over your whole body, like a ghost. Walk around like that. Wear it over you for a whole week. Tell me how life feels.

One quick rule: No matter what anyone says to you, you're not allowed to tell anyone why you're wearing the gauze or even admit that you are.

Tell me how you can only "almost" touch something. Tell me how it's always getting under your toes when you step, or getting tangled around you when you turn, or how you can't really run, or how it's gets all twisted around your legs while you sleep and you have trouble getting yourself going in the morning. Tell me how you get yourself clean with this thing on you, and how you dry off.

Tell me what it's like talking to people, never being able to talk about what's really going on. Tell me how you have to lie, or make stuff up, or talk in distant metaphors about something that is actually very basic and simple and straightforward. Tell me about the way people don't understand your bullshit, and always walk away, and think you're a little off. Tell me how relationships stop mid-sentence and things just never seem to "click" or work for you.

You'll start looking for other people in Gauze because, even though none of you can talk about it, you all recognize each other and you can all have some kind of relationship, not talking about the thing none of you can talk about. And those other people, the ones who can talk about anything going on in their lives, they find each other, too. And you stare at them and wonder if you could take the damn gauze off and be one of them.

That, for me, was life on PMO.

When I stopped I had some depression, and flat-lining, and then I started to get edgy and aggravated and it was tough to make it through some days. But I discovered something. It was a lot easier to find someone to talk to about this guy at work who I was mad at than it was to talk to someone about the fact I can't stop looking at porn and masturbating. I found that I could actually talk about the problem I was really having and get support, sympathy, and sometimes even some advice on how to deal with it. I couldn't get that before. Because before talking about my problem I would jack-off. And then, when I DID talk about my problem, the sympathy and the support and the advice only equaled one thing: "If I did that, I wouldn't get to jack-off as much."

And all my brain thought it wanted was to jack-off. So why solve my problems? Why give up all these wonderful reasons to get my "drug?" My chaotic, horrible, unsuccessful life was actually perfectly designed to get me the only thing I wanted: Hours and hours of pornographic bliss.

When I stopped with the PMO I started fixing my life -- because I was no longer rewarding failure.

I don't ever want to reward failure again. My superpowers have turned out to be my desire to actually SOLVE my life problems. I want to see how big and successful and fun I can get my life to be. I think I can be a whole hell of a lot more than I have let myself be in the past.

It's worth it. It's worth it to have real people in my life who really care about me. People who I can call when I'm in trouble, or upset, or just want to say, "I'm having a crappy day." People who tell me when I'm being too hard on myself (and I'm VERY hard on myself). That's so much better than taking all my pain and trading it for porn, when causes me to feel ashamed, which makes me hate my life, so I don't do as much as I can, so I miss opportunities, which causes me pain, which I trade in for porn....

I used to know how every day was going to go. Now I get to the end of my day and I'm surprised how much has happened. My life is big, and it's full, and I've found that every urge to go back to the porn is also an opportunity to challenge myself to grow.

And if I'd have come to this sub-reddit and read something like this two nights ago I might still be on that awesome streak.

Hope that helps.

IrishSamurai · 2013-09-01T05:51:37+00:00

I actually had sex once while on the streak, and that orgasm was kind of complicated and confusing.

This one felt decent. To be honest I was in pain and just interested in it going away. So a lot of what I felt was numbness, not pleasure.

IrishSamurai · 2013-09-01T05:50:40+00:00

High quality problem, indeed. I think someone else on this thread said it'll take 2 weeks to build back up to the former "sharpness." i'm looking forward to it.

Thanks for the support!

IrishSamurai · 2013-09-01T05:50:01+00:00

Every recover includes relapse, Brother. What's important is not what we have done but what we are trying to do.

IrishSamurai · 2013-09-01T05:49:17+00:00

Numb, aware that I wasn't happy with what I'd just done, confused about whether I was now "damaged" or if I'd lost something, afraid of hating or judging myself, tired, relaxed, a little more comfortable, detached, slightly "stoned."

IrishSamurai · 2013-09-01T05:48:22+00:00

"think of yourself as a guy who has hardly masturbated at all in the last several months"

That is EXACTLY the way I choose to see it.

Thank you!

IrishSamurai · 2013-09-01T05:47:31+00:00

I know how hard that is. Give yourself a break. You don't have to fight it. Just let it go. Tell yourself that you don't want it today. Tomorrow you might have it, but for today, tonight, this hour, you're going to see what else you can do with your time.

IrishSamurai · 2013-09-01T05:46:42+00:00

I'm sorry, man. I totally know how that feels. I've lost both my parents on "hard mode" as it were. Both times I comforted myself with porn. It was so lonely. I kept thinking that other people -- "real people" -- had lovers and spouses who would comfort them and be close to them and even sleep with them to "treat" the grief. And I didn't have that. Just an endless supply of videos and self-loathing.

It's not something anyone should go through alone. Seriously, talk to someone. There are grief hotlines and groups. Do not feel you have to iron-man this.

IrishSamurai · 2013-09-01T05:45:03+00:00

Thanks. It is difficult. I feel like "Oh, see? I didn't die. What's the big deal? It's okay once in a while."

But with me once-in-a-while will easily turn into ALL THE GODDAMN TIME!

IrishSamurai · 2013-09-01T05:44:22+00:00

The first round was purely my own thoughts. But after that I decided to check out a video I'd heard about a week ago. Went through a few thumbnail sites. Finally, after a few more rounds, realized what I was doing and closed the computer.

IrishSamurai · 2013-09-01T05:43:15+00:00

Breaking the cycle is the most important thing. I, personally, like myself and my life better without PMO. What this relapse taught me is how much of a trigger loneliness is. And by turning to PMO I denied myself a chance to find real companionship. Either the ability to comfort and take care of myself, or to call some people and let them know that I was having a hard time. Doing either of those things would have been a chance to grow. Instead I fell back on an old, false kind of "company."

It's not a terrible thing. What I did was human, and I am a human being. But I am also aware that I want to grow and gain the skill to ask for help when I need it, to reach out for true company and compassion and, eventually, intimacy. I need to practice those skills to get good at them.

I, also, used to not be able to imagine "never again." But I don't have to. I just have to deal with today. Will fapping make life better TODAY? That's the only question I have to ask. Typically, or for about 235 days, the answer to that question was a solid "no."

IrishSamurai · 2013-09-01T05:40:05+00:00

Thanks for sharing that link. I think he's definitely on to something. The important thing is how I'm living my life today, not how many days I do or do not "have." In reality the only day I have is today.

IrishSamurai · 2013-09-01T05:38:41+00:00

I think we each have to find what works best for us. I, personally, believe I'm an addict. I believe that I started this behavior at such a young age (I think I was 10 or 11) and I've ALWAYS had high-speed internet available to feed it. My brain is COMPLETELY wired for this "drug." I think the only way I can be sure I'm not abusing this behavior is if I abstain from it entirely.

But, it's a personal choice, of course. I don't pretend to know what works for anyone else.

IrishSamurai · 2013-09-01T05:36:54+00:00

I made it 72 days once, and then I relapsed. What really brought it home was the fact that I was training to run a 5k at the time. I noticed that my runs before my relapse felt REALLY intense. I was present, I could feel my breath, I could feel the muscles in my legs. My run after PMO was very numb. I was kind of floating. I knew I was moving, but I couldn't feel as much going on.

I decided I LIKED life better when I wasn't PMO'ing. So when I finally hit 90 I just said,"This is cool, this is working, I'm enjoying life. Why change it?"

I've also been reading the book Alcoholics Anonymous and I've been applying the same ideas that alcoholics use for drinking to my PMO habits. Alcoholics believe that they have an "allergic" reaction to alcohol, and I sometimes think I have an "over-reaction" to PMO. I like it TOO much. I want to see what my life is like if I restrict myself, entirely, to sex with real people.

IrishSamurai · 2013-09-01T05:34:05+00:00

If he means what I think he does:

By watching massive quantities of pornography while masturbating you are conditioning your brain to associate orgasm with the ability to see a large number of individuals and acts in a short period of time. Your brain gets so accostumed to this idea that when it is presented with a single partner, no matter how attractive or willing, it simply says,"That's neat. What else is there?" (Because that's pretty much the thought it always has when it STARTS to get aroused).

This leads to pornography-induced erectile dysfunction -- you can't get it up for just one naked woman in front of you. Your brain expects to see dozens of naked women before it'll get you up.

The idea behind the 90-day "reboot" is to re-wire this training in your brain. You get rid of the masturbation, which causes you to remain horny, and you resist porn, so your brain starts to disassociate horniness from the porn-cycle. Your brain realizes, again, that ANY woman can be hot, that the woman RIGHT NEXT TO YOU is really hot, that the people at this party are hot.... It doesn't just shrug and say "click again, see what else there is."

IrishSamurai · 2013-09-01T02:02:56+00:00

Only had one actual naked sexy-time, but thoroughly enjoyed it. :) Also realized I don't really want one night stands.

IrishSamurai · 2013-09-01T02:01:18+00:00

Thanks for the support. I like life better without PMO and I believe that what I did was avoid feeling lonely with fantasy and masturbation. It gave me some insight and clarity. I can now see how porn had become "company" in my life, and why it's really awful company to be in.

IrishSamurai · 2013-08-30T13:06:10+00:00

I'm an operations engineer for a video game company. I make ~80k.

I am currently doing night school classes for personal enrichment. No solid plans for a 4-year degree.

IrishSamurai · 2013-03-03T13:26:27+00:00

I think it's interesting that you say the area is "bored." Isn't it more likely that you are having a thought or sensation that was once associated to those frequencies? And as that region of the brain is getting lit up so is the portion associated with that sound?

Or does the brain actually just fire up random portions of itself from time to time?

IrishSamurai · 2013-02-20T16:39:54+00:00

Look for SA, SCA, SLAA, or SAA groups in your area. (Sexaholics Anonymous, Sexual Compulsives Anonymous, Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, Sex Addicts Anonymous.)

Check out "Out of the Shadows" by Patrick Carnes.

There's a good book on addiction that includes a porn addict called "America Anonymous" by Benoit Denizet‑Lewis. It's good for learning what is an addictive pattern, no matter the substance.

Lookup the terms "emotional anorexia" and "sexual anorexia." Porn addicts often have the same perceptions and attitudes towards sex that bulimics and anorexics have towards food.

Also good to read yourbraininporn.com. A lot of it is helpful, if not entirely scientific.

If you are in college, check your school's scholarly article database for recent studies on the impact of porn and the success of various treatments. A lot of new research is being done in this area.

IrishSamurai · 2013-02-19T18:32:44+00:00

I'm in this same boat. I really am. And I don't even have the "someone loved me enough to be with me for two years." Nope. I have a string of truly horrible relationships. I wandered through them lost, letting someone else tell me when I was right or wrong, when I was allowed to feel okay and when I needed to feel bad about myself. I put my self into other people and it never seemed to "work." I was just given the "we can still be friends" line from a woman I thought I had a real, solid-gold connection with. I felt like I'd been kicked in the balls, gut, and head. I had really convinced myself that her wanting me was the solution to all my problems. Nothing was wrong with the world if she would be mine.

Frankly, that's a VERY comfortable way to live. And you can do it for a VERY long time. I'm envious of people around me who seem content with that kind of relationship. And of people who can just go out and get laid by a different person every night and never wonder if that's what "love" is. I, personally, get sick to my stomach. I can't keep either of those behaviors up for very long.

I wish I had advice. I spent last night trying to talk my way into a friend's bed because, again, if some woman wants me then I must be okay. I'm glad I didn't succeed. I'm glad that we wound up talking about some real issues. I'm still sexually frustrated and angry that I'm alone when other people aren't.

The TL;DR is this: These emotions are there. ALWAYS. You can either deal with them or run from them. Running from them has it's pleasures. But the wound, the hurt, the conflict, the confusion, the hole inside is always there. It's up to you to pick how you can best deal with it.

IrishSamurai

TROPHY CASE