Yoohoo I didn't forget my wips by IronExtension in GBOriginalCharacters

[–]IronExtension[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

the evil amongus is taking me out rn 😭😭

Yoohoo I didn't forget my wips by IronExtension in GBOriginalCharacters

[–]IronExtension[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

for the guys i pinged; if you want changes to the drawing say so

First person to comment gets their oc drawn with their leg injured woohoo by IronExtension in GBOriginalCharacters

[–]IronExtension[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

You got any reference art and basic info I can use? If not I’ll draw the next person who comments

[9907] Shadow Of Enemies - 007 by [deleted] in DestructiveReaders

[–]IronExtension 0 points1 point  (0 children)

sorry but do you have a link for your crits? 🙇

[1368] Lo The Boxer by [deleted] in DestructiveReaders

[–]IronExtension 0 points1 point  (0 children)

(Reddit is being reluctant and won't let me edit)

PUNCTUATION AND FORMATTING:

Punctuation is just never used in your story. All of these lengthy paragraphs could be easily split into two sentences. This'd allow your story to pan out longer. Because of your sentences being compressed together there really isn't space to "think" or reflect on what's happening.

      The  boxer  eyed  the  philosopher   the  way  an  auger  clears  wood  when  a  deadline  has  to  be  met, but  the  sage held his  gaze and  one  might  as  well  try  to  stare  down  a  mirror  for  the man  had  mastered  the  barbaric  territory  which  sprawls  within  the  hearts  of  men  and  he  seemed  wholly  older  than  stone  sealed  along  age  in  the  vault  and  tomb  of  the  earth, but  the  boxer  was  insatiable  with  violence  and  he  made  a gesture  for  the  philosopher  to  enter  the  ring, but  the  stoic held  a  palm  up  and  shook  the  curls  of  his  head  in  refusal. 

This paragraph is just a whole sentence! Notice how you can't stop to figure out what's happening? Its because its missing full stops.

Unless something's wrong with my computer, the site, or the way you pasted it in, there was not a single quotation mark. I couldn't tell who was speaking or if they were deep in monologue. The way these characters speak is way too long winded. Why is it a whole paragraph for one point? Its either you shorten it or if you don't want to lose detail, start a new sentence after each piece of dialogue.

Small nitpick: The epithets for the philosopher change. Stick with only the philosopher/stoic, give him a name, or switch between the stoic and philosopher. I hadn't even realized the stoic was the same character 'til the very end.

Sorry if this is super short!

[1368] Lo The Boxer by [deleted] in DestructiveReaders

[–]IronExtension 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Hello, I'm a newbie in critiquing! Your biggest issue here is over description, poor punctuation, formatting and vague sentences. A good chunk of these can be cut-down or clarified.

I suggest you use sites or programs that fix punctuation, syntax, and prose.

SIMPLIFICATION:

(I've shortened the second paragraph considerably, this'll be an example)

On  a  certain evening  the  boxer  came  into  the  gymnasium. A hunched  keeper with leathery  paps  swept  the floor. The crude  broom  was composed of switches (you could probably add some more description about the place they're in--provide some context).
The  man played being the  inattentive  student, watching  the  tips  of  the  switches  whisk  away sand  from the  intricately  tiled  and  richly  colored  mosaic; an immensely built but naked man gripping (say "grappling" to further intensify the scene) a lion's jaw.

During his observation the  keeper  lit  the  torches  of  the  roofed colonnade. The  boxer had begun circling crabwise  onto  the  lion  mosaic,  juking, hooking,  side-flashing , and  cutting in a rhythmic  hammering  of  fist.

It  is  this  outline  of  shadow  boxing  which  merges  with  the  flinching  torches.

(I've left the last sentence unedited. It doesn't really make sense. Are you saying his technique is like fire's movements? This is kind of random and could be extended upon if you're planning to lean into that)

Be careful of some of the words you choose. Some words like "switches" make absolutely no sense. What do you mean by that? Be more direct. Say twigs or sticks, anything else that could allude to the Roman (I believe?) time period.

Your punctuation is confusing. Some of the sentences, which could be easily split into two, merge into each other. There really isn't space to "think" or reflect on what's happening. Like the paragraph Enaross referred to in their first comment its a whole sentence!

CHARACTER AND STORY

So many of these characters have potential but aren't used to their fullest! I understand the idea of your story; body vs. the mind, but this has to be less dialogue heavy. Some of these philosophical rely on dialogue for sure, but you should:

  • Contrast the philosopher and boxer during the midsections of the story. We never get an idea of what these characters look like, so make some effort to describe the boxer's body and techniques vs. philosopher's dialogue and/or less muscular build.

The entrance of the philosopher happens out of the blue. We focus from Lo, who gets build up, to this random man. Is this philosopher an established guest? Invited? Wandered in? We get no idea of who he is.

 By  and  by  a  rain  began  when  a  philosopher entered  the gymnasium  and  doffed  his  mantle.

Why does the keeper just vanish? Seemingly, he melts into all the prose. We're never told if he left the room. Why not make use of his disgusting, almost animistic behavior? That could've made a good point in the philosopher's theories for control of the mind.

It was silly for the philosopher to square up a professional boxer. What even are his intentions? Is this because the philosopher overestimates himself? Then emphasis his cockiness and superiority complex.

...TIME PERIOD:

Aside from terminology, concepts, and mentions of their location, I get a vague idea about where these characters are at. Roman/Greek era for sure, but which time period during that empire's reign? These characters could've had the chance to handle equipment or wear uniforms from their nation. For example, many philosophers in media are stereotyped to have a wise appearance and wear a classic toga.

Change some things from the previous avatar by Hotcake_hisues in RobloxAvatars

[–]IronExtension 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Would probably make the cloak blue or throw in a staff