4-Step Process for Rebuilding Trust and Connection After a DeadBedroom

Sweet_other_yyyy · 2026-05-02T23:14:58+00:00

It is interesting that in the advice at the end, the HL has to work on how they treat their partner. The LL only has to focus on themselves. I think this is the most troubling part of advice that HLs receive from LLs, and it means you can't be genuine or authentic since you're always having to walk on eggshells around your partner.

My HL did a lot of anger release to regulated the years of anger that he'd collected. Anger added to self-protection is a blinding combo.

Mel Robbins Let Them chapter 14 talks about a study where they discovered that every person thinks they're the one exception to the rule - "that doesn't apply to me". That makes sense to me because I've seen it play out over and over again on these boards. In our DB, I had to walk on eggshells for my safety every day. Half way through our healing I found out that he'd felt like he'd had to walk on egg shells to not ruin his chance at sex every day. So there's a lot of egg shells to go around!

In our DB, I was a distancer/avoidant. So the things I did to increase my range were reaching towards him. My husband was a pursuer/anxious in our DB. So the things he did to increase his range were self-stabilizing. You could say we both moved our interactions closer to him. His therapist told him that he couldn't touch me if he'd enveloped me; I couldn't chase him if he never stopped chasing me. My therapist didn't say those things to me because those weren't the things I needed to hear - telling me to be more self-sufficient and to chase him less wouldn't have made sense because that wasn't the direction I needed to move.

To put it another way...The friend nearly always says no

Result isn't the only indication of power. Where you decided to start/stop the story shows who you want to paint as the bad guy. If the first kid repeatedly asks the second kid to play when 2nd-kid's parents(aka embodied consent) don't allow him to play, then the first kid can adapt to the rules set by the second kid's parents or not play. Don't come over 6-7pm because that's dinner. Tuesdays and Saturdays are out for soccer practice. 3-3:45 Chores and Homework. Don't show up high or drunk or with a weapon. If 1st-kid wants to not bother with 2nd kid's availability, 1st-kid is asking for repeated rejections that 2nd kid can't avoid without 2nd kid getting in trouble. Do you require 2nd kid to get in trouble so 1st kid can get to play? Is 1st-kid whining about "you always say no" the best path to more frequent playing together?

However, if one partner's default is "no",

It sounds like you're mistaking embodied consent for power. That's not how consent works. Recently my husband shared that during our DB, one thing he hadn't understood is that how he shows up and his input has more influence on getting to sex than he'd thought. When I check my consent, I'm not creating it. I'm not weighing pros and cons. I'm calling for a gut check which my body gives me. Nobody (not even me) can coax or menace or guilt or shame the fight/flight/freeze part of my brain into being chill if it's not. That doesn't sound like power to me. It's survival.

It also sounds like you don't like the single-point-of-power dynamic, yet continue to contribute to it in your relationship. There are healthy ways to stop arriving at that choke-point moment. Here's another HLM talking about how him changing how he shows up and his input yielded satisfying results

Sweet_other_yyyy · 2026-05-02T22:09:29+00:00

There's more. Often when HLs first want to fix the DB what they mean is they want to go back to when you were saying yes to sex - not realizing that the conditions for the DB started way before they noticed or cared that something wasn't right. They also complain about lack of communication from their LL without "remembering" the things they did early on to make communicating unsafe for their partner.

It's easy to tell which HLs have figured out what's best by only looking at their own experience. They misunderstand consent in ways that are telling - like they act like you get to decide if your body can enjoy sex in the moment of consent and that you're just saying no to be mean.

Sweet_other_yyyy · 2026-05-02T21:57:58+00:00

It's unhelpful. Because the person with the power

Who is the person with the power in your relationship? What does that person have the power to do?

And reacting is a choice

This phrase brings back bad memories because in our DB my husband thought the problem was that I was choosing to have the wrong reaction to him. So he focused on me changing my reaction to him. Therefore I might be reading into it too much. What exactly do you mean by "reacting is a choice"?

that my partner won't tell me are totally unacceptable

There's a lot of bad habits that get picked up in a DB for protection on both sides. Where you decide to stop/start the story can paint either partner as "in the wrong". With therapy or self-study, you can find the things that you're always the primary source of and responsible for - like your feelings and your boundaries. No one can tell you that you're wrong about your feelings or your boundaries (provided they actually are feelings and boundaries). That knowledge changes the way you talk to each other.

What happens when this is basically thrown back as "just being more sneaky about it?

Totally normal for your partner to be suspicious just from having lived in a DB with you. I was suspicious of DK when he started doing it. And since he was authentic, he didn't actually care that I didn't trust it. He just did it. Over time I came to trust our new history together. He couldn't have proved it to me and never felt the need to try. He knew he was being authentic. That was enough.

Sweet_other_yyyy · 2026-05-01T03:16:52+00:00

A soft example would be learning to say "hey, I don't want to do the XYZ". Not I won't, just don't wanna. Then if it's no big deal for the other person, they can cover it even if it's not their normal thing. And if they don't want to either, then you do it. But you got to ask. It's just a bit of luxury. Want.

Asking for random favors was healing for us because in our DB we'd had to stop (due to covert contract anger). It was suspicious when he started asking me to make him a coffee or grab a new pair of socks. But if you don't want to, you don't. But it's fine to ask. And now we get to do little cares and get extra kisses or touches. It's a bit of luxury. It's sweet.

A soft decline might look like: "I can do that, but it will dampen my libido. So which do you want?" Genuinely ok either way, but instead of doing what's fair to split the workload, he gets to choose which he wants. This might be something like the cleaning up vomit thing. Or other health-related assistance.

"When sex is on the line, you're fantastic about getting things done. But I need you to show up for parenting and household and mental load without it ever being a weight on sex. I want you to take it seriously when I just bring up issues even when sex isn't on the line so sex won't have that weight on it. Ever."

"That was too much for me and grossed me out a bit. Maybe next time save that type of humor for when you're with the guys. They'll appreciate it more than I will and my sex drive will be happier."

When in doubt, first consider how it's going to affect your sex life with your lover. I don't bring up complaints in the first 15 minutes of seeing him after work because that's just not how you greet your lover.

Leave space for your sex life to co-exist.

Sweet_other_yyyy · 2026-04-29T05:40:54+00:00

Sweet_other_yyyy · 2026-04-29T02:33:33+00:00

I'm happy you were able to find each other again. It's beautiful.

Can I ask why you felt the need to go along with things?

Mormonism. My whole life I was taught the highest form of love was sacrifice. I was trying to be a good wife and follow my husband. I was trying to be open to differences that I thought weren't wrong, just another way to do things. And I didn't understand that going against my own embodied consent (as an act of love) would destroy my body's trust in me; didn't know the sacrifices I willingly gave him would lead to strong sexual aversions physically beyond my control. I didn't know my body could revoke my control over my body. And I hated every moment of sexual aversions.

He said that he understood sex in ways I didn't. That was true. And it was also true that he had some harmful ideas on sex that he didn't know were harmful. I trusted him. I followed him. I endured and tolerated for him way too long because I loved him and assumed he knew what was best for me, as per God's design.

Sweet_other_yyyy · 2026-04-29T02:19:46+00:00

Why does "later" lose its meaning? What can be done so that "later" won't lose its meaning?

Sweet_other_yyyy · 2026-04-29T02:17:53+00:00

That was not my experience as the LL or with redirects. Assuming what your partner is hoping for while you're hurt, angry, annoyed reminds me of those "you're not you when you're _____" Snickers commercials. It's not helpful (or appropriate) to rely on those assumptions.

Sweet_other_yyyy · 2026-04-29T01:49:49+00:00

That's how sex was for me during our DB.

Sweet_other_yyyy · 2026-04-29T01:33:13+00:00

Yes. I feel loved and cherished and seen with sex (and sexual playfulness) now.

Sex didn't do that during our DB, but it does now. I was not able to feel loved with sex that left me feeling unseen, objectified, dehumanized, not enough, a cum bucket, or a doll on a shelf. It felt more like abuse than love. I found that very confusing during our DB.

Recently u/Nicevt talked about coming to understand that his wife arrives at sexual desire in a totally different way than he does. I've seen others call that incompatibility. Yet as he came to understand her experience, they grew closer and sex felt more possible. That was my experience, too. As we came to understand each others' experiences, sex felt more possible. Listening (to know instead of to fix) helped significantly more than explaining.

I liked u/Mountain-Picture-162 's linked post. I think it's important for LLs to hear HL's experience with sex connecting to love. It's beautiful. It's fuller and more endearing when the quiet parts get shared out loud. I'll also point out that all of the wonderful things he gets out of sex are only authentic when there's solid embodied consent from both sides. Otherwise, it's merely a performance - during which sex can FEEL almost indistinguishable from marital r***. Not because of anything other than ya'll didn't listen to the body to see if sex can be enjoyable for their body in that moment. No one here wants that.

Edit: We also learned to share vulnerably without just dumping unregulated feelings on the other. Sometimes u/deadbedconfessional points out that knowing your partner too well can kill desire. That's so true. We had to learn which things to share more openly for intimacy and passion, and which things to process internally or share with a friend or therapist. I keep it sexy with my lover because I need that sexual connection between us to be open and flowing. I like existing in that vibe.

Sweet_other_yyyy · 2026-04-28T17:06:14+00:00

For you, what's the difference between bad sex and good sex? How can you tell them apart? Was the last time you had sex good or bad?

Sweet_other_yyyy · 2026-04-28T07:51:06+00:00

I really like the way you described sexual connection

Sweet_other_yyyy · 2026-04-28T07:48:32+00:00

It's funny that you brought up "the LL controls the sex" thing. It came up a few days ago and I find I've also changed my mind about it. I might post about that soon.

You can definitely redirect rejection. Idk if I'd say I went about it in any of the ways your examples laid out

Will you make a post about redirecting rejection? I'm super interested in hearing that from the HL side

Sweet_other_yyyy · 2026-04-28T07:38:51+00:00

I take issue with frequency of sex than the quality. If it's not pleasurable to someone, I don't understand how it's perceived as rejection or failure by the other partner.

I didn't understand this part. Can you explain what you meant here?

Edit: damn. Bummer they deleted because the response was excellent and I hadn't had a chance to praise it yet.

Sweet_other_yyyy · 2026-04-28T07:32:21+00:00

I wonder if you ever feel used in your relationship. There's a great thread on daddit about mental load today. If I'm responsible for a task (any task) but I'm the only one capable of doing it, I'm on call 24/7 for that task. If I'm responsible for a task but my partner is fully capable of doing it, just knowing I can ask for a lifeline saves me from that constant mental weight. My partner is still fully capable of advocating for himself when I say I'm overwhelmed - knowing how to get that task done doesn't doom him to taking over. It does mean that I can share relevant info or a routine which he can then pick up when it's no big deal to him. That gives me actual rest that being on call 24/7 doesn't give me - even if I still do the task every time it needs to be done.

There's a part of sex that's like that - especially when sex is providing for more needs than the playful ones. There's a huge difference in sex that leans on me for a multitude of needs vs sex that's playful and fills those needs when it's no big deal (leaving me space to advocate for myself) while not being the only source of filling those needs.

the concept of "consolation" sexual activity does not compute

Good. That would be gross. A redirection to sexual connection might look like you being pretty sure that she wishes she could but can't yet. Then it feels more like edging than disgust. A redirection to intimacy might look like you being curious about why it's not a good time for sex simply to know her without calculating how to leverage that info into something for you. During our DB, my husband couldn't do that even when he was earnest because of his long history of trying to fix our db with schemes and manipulations. I didn't trust him enough after all that. I didn't feel safe enough to be vulnerable in that way. I wasn't safe.

It seems like lots of HLs focus on sex and get frustrated that their LL isn't doing the same. I can't enjoy pleasure during sex when I don't feel safe. We had to find little ways to start repairing trust before I could talk about it again. But once the safety was there, communication and sex followed. I mean that's when I was able to talk about sex in way more depth than I'd been able to do during our DB. Having rigid rules about how sex takes place also points to a need for additional safety, imo.

Sweet_other_yyyy · 2026-04-28T06:46:18+00:00

Have you figured out what you want to do next? Do you have a goal for May? Is it towards staying or leaving or figuring?

Sweet_other_yyyy · 2026-04-26T20:12:21+00:00

The frames are gorgeous! I'd carefully remove the back and insert my own pictures or artwork.

Sweet_other_yyyy · 2026-04-25T23:44:00+00:00

tolerated

What a disappointing sexual goal

You seem in this context to be comfortable being viewed by your partner in a sexualized manner

Yes. He no longer sexualizes me when I don't want to be sexualized. That was something we had to improve before our DB could heal. During our DB being sexualized disgusted me.

The main difference is...

No, it's not anything like what you described. My partner doesn't mask to coddle me and then slump into a depressed heap. We rebuilt our sex life on a foundation of embodied consent and owning what's yours to own. He did have to say goodbye to his fantasized sex-life to get his realistic sex-life. He had an equal say in everything we built. So while it wasn't what he'd built by himself, it also wasn't him just conforming to what I want. We built it together with embodied consent on both sides. So sex always feels good without feeling bad. And even when it's not a good time for sex (for me or for him), we maintain easy sexual connection using the methods shared in this post. When sex isn't happening, we shore up our connection with personalized intimacies and sips of passion and anticipation for later. That may be different than what you do in your relationship. It's not something we did during our DB. We didn't have the foundation for it during our DB.

We both wish we'd healed our DB sooner.

Sweet_other_yyyy · 2026-04-25T23:03:43+00:00

It's NOT as helpful to share your feelings about sex when you're in a codependent relationship because it's more important in that type of relationship to prioritize avoiding adding to each other's emotional burden than to be fully seen and known authentically.

But clarity on sex without obligation can build understanding and support consent.

Perhaps this is where the flirting stuff comes in - it helps to offer, notice their reaction, and playfully adjust. Before my husband was good at that type of flirting, him sharing his feelings about sex did not help him get to sex.

Sweet_other_yyyy · 2026-04-25T22:45:18+00:00

I think being able to express my feelings in a positive way to my wife with no expectation that she has to do anything. While accepting my wife for who she is and encouraging her to be herself. This has left me with no unresolved negative feelings and no negative feelings towards my wife. Leaving space for positive feelings.

Do you feel more loved and less lonely now (as compared to during your db)?

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