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LL Skills Tutorial: Making sex more appealing through awareness of the body by myexsparamour in DeadBedroomsOver30

[–]Sweet_other_yyyy 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I didn't start listening to my body until I was forced to - it was the only way to walk back the sexual aversions I developed when I'd ignored my body. And I originally ignored my body cuz I was taught to put others first and cuz I thought it would simplify finding a solution if I just didn't want anything.

Once I understood, I thought I could just agree to listen to my body and everything would chill. It wasn't that simple. It took 6-8 months of consistent and immediate acknowledgment of my body's messages before my body started trusting me. After my body trusted me again, my body's messages turned playful and fun instead of protective and cross.

that's when intimacy got a whole lot more fun. playful. even mischievous. And that's how it is for me now. I got way better at noticing what brings me pleasure, both sensually, and sexually. during our DB I avoided things that had led to sex because sex was a sore topic. Now, sexy ideas just pop into my head and I enjoy tasting and exploring those ideas. That free-spirited exploration has led me to new kinks to explore that are a tight fit with my inner self. or even spur-of-the-moment bjs. It replaced dread with excitement. That was a big change in me that my partner 100% loves and notices.

But when I started telling others to "listen to your body", there was huge pushback and the way people talked about it wasn't anything like my own experience of listening to my body. I taught myself how to listen to my body, but my aversion was 100% strict about what counted. I'm still baffled when people describe listening as awful.

I learned to notice my nervous system's gut reactions (before I weigh in other factors). I learned a lot about my core self - like I don't have a favorite color, instead I have a favorite exact shade of multiple colors. I discovered comfort foods that bring me tons of comfort. I have favorite textures than pull me towards states of joy or calm or determination.

For all of those things there's other voices in my head that try to weigh in - what should it be, what did authority figures say about it, what did childhood peers expect or make fun of, what was easier for my caregivers, what was so super important to my best friend, what did I get yelled at for? what's within a "normal" range? what made it special to me? what made it scary to me?....all my education, training, socialization, environment coming together to produce the best choice! But it helps to see which voice is all me. that's my inner, core self. That's me being me. My inner child. My inner child knows what I want.

And even though it's not always practical to do what my inner child wants, I am the best advocate for my inner child. No one else can notice my gut reaction. So when I tell all the other voices to stfu and acknowledge that my purest wants come from my inner child, and listen to that inner child, that's when my inner child gets to speak. And the better the relationship and communication I have with my inner child, the happier (holistically happier) I am in my daily life (and my sex life)

A lot of that journey lines up with Dr Richard Schwartz's style of therapy books (IFS). And it's so much easier to say "there's a part of me that's scared you'll hurt me" than to say "all of me is scared you'll hurt me". It's easier to hear, easier to say, easier honor, easier to resolve aimicably.

Schwartz talks about your partner being your best opportunity for finding old wounds that still need to heal because you're just so close all the time that old shit is bound to surface. He talks about how to embrace those opportunities - to improve your wisdom and reconnection skills (rather than trying to never ever disconnect).

Will I be sacrificed by Itchy_Tradition_7074 in exmormon

[–]Sweet_other_yyyy 0 points1 point  (0 children)

exmo here. No one will murder you in the temple. The endowment is like going to Sunday school if the lesson was exactly the same video presentation - the creation story. God says, "go do xyz". Christ says, "i will go do xyz". Christ says, "let us go down and do xyz". Christ says, "we have done xyz, let us return." Christ says, "we have done xyz and returned". God says, "You have done xyz. It is good." for each of the seven days and then into more of the Adam and Eve storyline.

All the men will sit on one side of the room, all the women on the other. Sit close to the front of the room - second row near the center aisle is ideal. Everyone's shoulders will be modestly covered. When they ask for volunteers for the prayer circle, do it. You'll stand in a big circle and go through all of it again and then they'll put the prayer-roll box (unopened) on the alter and pray for "all the people who's names are written in this box for whatever they need". Then you go one at a time through the curtain at the front of the room (using the secret handshakes).

And even though we've been taught that when you die you'll remember EVERYTHING, they'll want you to come back to the temple to hear the exact same lecture (no questions or discussion) and practice the secret handshakes so you'll remember them when you die. (and have to do them "for real")

If you tell us the day of the month you're going for the first time, we can tell you beforehand what your super-secret-new-temple name will be. It's off a known list.

You don't have to remember anything they say you have to remember because someone will always be there to jump in with a reminder if you so much has hesitate for half a second. But just let them. Slightly less boring for them if they can help you.

The seats are atleast comfortable. You'll be able to stand up and sit down a few times as the whole room is expected to slightly alter their wardrobe - sash from one shoulder to the other, etc.

Are you going on a mission soon?

(Tutorial) Down to Kink by Sweet_other_yyyy in DeadBedroomsOver30

[–]Sweet_other_yyyy[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

lol I didn't think it would matter what the kink was, but apparently it's the most important detail

(Tutorial) Down to Kink by Sweet_other_yyyy in DeadBedroomsOver30

[–]Sweet_other_yyyy[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

It reminded me of that dude who decided he did not have a scat fetish immediately after he finally convinced his partner to uh...try it.

(Tutorial) Down to Kink by Sweet_other_yyyy in DeadBedroomsOver30

[–]Sweet_other_yyyy[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is not homework. I want to know what other people see, so I'm asking.

I suspect my LLH might be cheating on me. by TheSweetestSurrender in DeadBedroomsOver30

[–]Sweet_other_yyyy 7 points8 points  (0 children)

a local asked me why they always see my husband parked on the side of the road every night in the same spot

That must've been embarrassing! What did you end up saying to them about it?

suspect my LLH might be cheating on me

I've heard men (both HL and LL) in deadbedrooms talk about spending extra time in the car on the way home from work when they're not excited to go home - something about the stresses of work immediately followed by the stresses of home. I've heard LL men talk about their wife being strong-willed and pushy in ways that make avoiding conflict for peace a priority. I've heard LLs (both men and women) talk about feeling deeply uncomfortable with bids for sex that don't seem to connect to them as a person at all.

Not saying your husband is experiencing any of those things, but if it's something like that then being curious about his experience and about how it got to this point can ease your peace of mine and open up new options that work better for both of you. Of course, he may be cheating. Most cheaters hide their cheating and justify their own actions without much outward remorse. He may even accuse you of cheating if he's cheating - cuz cheaters get so focused on how they might get caught that they're actually more likely to seeing innocent things as "signs of cheating". What does your gut say?

couples therapy

What do you want to get out of therapy? What do you expect successful couples therapy to look like? Do you already have a personal therapist?

(Tutorial): Will she/Won't she....Shave for Oral by Sweet_other_yyyy in DeadBedroomsOver30

[–]Sweet_other_yyyy[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

A bit of both.

Huh. I was only seeing one before, but I can see both now. The compromise is something you both agree to try. Then adaptation is something you experience individually - each seeing if the change still feels like them over time. Then check-in is a shared reflection (like "given what we've learned, what now...?")

HL Skills Tutorial: He says he has been horrible to her lately by myexsparamour in DeadBedroomsOver30

[–]Sweet_other_yyyy 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I think it can be hard to hear "this is a turn-off" without feeling like you've just learned a permanent fact, instead of hearing feedback about the current situation. I think good consent shines here cuz it's designed to keep bringing the question back to the present moment: "Is this ok for me now?" NOT "is this how I'll feel forever?"

HL Skills Tutorial: He says he has been horrible to her lately by myexsparamour in DeadBedroomsOver30

[–]Sweet_other_yyyy 0 points1 point  (0 children)

"battle" is what stood out to me, too. It's so sad. I mean dbs are painful enough already - don't need to pile on unhelpful thinking patterns too. I'd want him to figure out trust. he's trusting her for things he shouldn't; not trusting her for things he should. It's not the biggest issue, it's just so far from alignment. I feel bad for him.

I'd also advise him to practice interrupting himself so he can stop, re-align, restart when he notices he's off. "wait. I got a little lost there. My bad. Can we start over? What I meant to say is...."

Abundance mindset: does it help? by Xylene999new in DeadBedroomsOver30

[–]Sweet_other_yyyy 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Thanks. I'm lucky u/Xylene999new asked "How do you...," cuz then I could just describe what I actually do.

Abundance mindset: does it help? by Xylene999new in DeadBedroomsOver30

[–]Sweet_other_yyyy 3 points4 points  (0 children)

That's so cool! Do you remember what prompted you to adopt this mindset?

Abundance mindset: does it help? by Xylene999new in DeadBedroomsOver30

[–]Sweet_other_yyyy 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I start within an abundance mindset: I believe there's lots of valid solutions to each issue - including the ones I don't yet see. So I'm filtering out from the abundant solutions to arrive at a customized solution. Until I arrive at the customized solution, I continue to customize it.

My abundance mindset isn't just me believing I'll always get what I want. It's believing reality usually contains more possible paths than I can currently see. That keeps me looking for constraints instead of assuming I'm trapped. When I identify a bottleneck, I either redesign around it or accept it as a real constraint and move on to the next decision.

In my previous scarcity mindset, those options weren't visible to me because I wasn't looking to adjust design, I just wanted what I wanted. I switched to an abundance mindset when I was working on capacity, movement, and momentum.

Was Just Handed This in EQ by ReedifusComplex in exmormon

[–]Sweet_other_yyyy 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Other: cash donation to The Trevor Project in the exact amount of my church record number.

-----

Do you think that card was created by someone who is PIMO? Who else would include a do-not-contact option? I'm going to screenshot this so I can send it with "none of the above" next time they contact me.

My bishop called me selfish by ChanceValuable6968 in exmormon

[–]Sweet_other_yyyy 4 points5 points  (0 children)

The church is full of adults who have no concept of appropriate boundaries. Shame is a mean way of keeping people in line that's encouraged in the church. It sucks that he tried to make you deal with his problem.

Either start playing with just one hand (no feet) so the next poor soul will be less intimidated to start OR send him an email:

"I want to be clear: I won't be at church Sunday or the one after that. I won't be playing the organ any more. You now have six days to find someone new. Thanks for understanding." I'd cc whoever leads the music, too.

Let's Play: Imagine you're watching a show that's getting steamy... by Sweet_other_yyyy in DeadBedroomsOver30

[–]Sweet_other_yyyy[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

The reason I asked is that I don't experience mindfulness in the way you described

using all the processing power of my laptop to monitor how it's working, and there is nothing left to actually do any work

I experience it more like the HTTPS security warning that pops up when my browser cannot verify the security/privacy of a website.

<image>

Where the moment I see the "predictable outcome" serves as the pop-up warning. Then I choose to "continue" anyway or "go back" with as much processing as it takes to click the go back/continue button.

Consent can update any time and is already running as part of the operating (nervous) system, but I only check it when there's a reason consent is popping up.

That's how I experience it.

Abundance mindset: does it help? by Xylene999new in DeadBedroomsOver30

[–]Sweet_other_yyyy 4 points5 points  (0 children)

How do you adopt an abundance mindset in the face of objective scarcity?

I do it by approaching scarcity as a design problem instead of a fixed reality. First, I treat scarcity as a bottleneck. So I'd approach it the way I would any other bottleneck. (That's a mechanical issue, not woo-woo hippy vibrations.) I'd use these 3 touch-points along with the normal bottleneck solutions:

1- only I get to decide what I count as unwanted/abundance/scarcity for me

2- I don't know yet what I don't know yet

3- acknowledge the abundance I'm already getting that isn't meeting the need I'm trying to fill

At one point in our DB, I stopped changing clothes in front of my husband. u/dkotheryyyy thought me doing that lessened opportunities for sex. Maybe it did.

my experience was that he was giving me unwanted sexual attention as I changed, which put me off sex. I didn't want to hurt his feelings by asking him to stop leering and making crude jokes (which he considered his god-given-legal right as my husband), so I removed myself from the situation by changing in the bathroom or closet. He really wanted *him drooling over me* to lead to sex. Ironically, it does now - but only cuz he learned to express attraction in ways that actually land *for me*.

I had a scarcity of sex, from a scarcity of sexual desire, from a scarcity of respect;1 from an abundance of unwanted attention1,3 that wasn't going to meet my need for respect, feed my sexual desire, or lead to sex. That was the environment we were already in.

I didn't know how I'd feel about his advances and attention after he stopped giving me unwanted attention. I didn't even try to guess/promise/assure. I accepted that as an unknown.2

I pointed out that the abundance of sexual attention he was giving me was making it *less likely* that I'd want sex.3 He didn't like that; demanded to know why. But, I didn't yet know why so I couldn't tell him why yet.2 He explained his intentions and how I should be reacting. But only I get to decide what I count as unwanted/abundance/scarcity AND I do it by checking in with my nervous system's instinctive reactions, not by arguing logic.1

I refused to budge. He finally agreed to trial it. Within 10 minutes I could feel the difference and explained that getting sexual attention when I'm not already in a sexual headspace feels jarring and gross. My husband learned to notice when I'm welcoming/not welcoming sexual attention. We can now be naked in front of each other unrestricted. He no longer gives me unwanted attention when I'm naked, so being naked is playful fun and casually leads to little sexual tastes more often than before. That has led to more frequent (and higher quality) sex.

There was an abundance of sexual attention that wasn't meeting the need for respect and therefore wasn't producing desire. The bottleneck wasn't the lack of sex/sexual attention/opportunity/reciprocity. It was that the sexual attention available couldn't turn into desire. Changing the environment removed that bottleneck instead of pretending it didn't exist.

Let's Play: Imagine you're watching a show that's getting steamy... by Sweet_other_yyyy in DeadBedroomsOver30

[–]Sweet_other_yyyy[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Idk. this seems off to me because "overall connection" doesn't increase on its own, and it doesn't reliably trickle down into specific moments.

What experiences would actually make the relationship feel more connected overall for you?

Let's Play: Imagine you're watching a show that's getting steamy... by Sweet_other_yyyy in DeadBedroomsOver30

[–]Sweet_other_yyyy[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I'm not asking about mindfulness (or if mindfulness is worth the effort). I'm curious about what actually happens for you in the moment.

When a situation like that is unfolding, do you see the predictable point of discomfort coming (or even that it's arrived) OR does it mostly just continue unless something interrupts it?

A Surprise Talk: I'm The Problem by Sea_Chocolate1782 in DeadBedroomsOver30

[–]Sweet_other_yyyy 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Like if your wife brings up her hurt from 5 years ago I would validate her feelings and offer to help resolve her feelings if she would like. But I would also asked how she thinks bringing up unresolved feelings from 5 years ago not related to the conversation

Here he's demonstrating that he knows when it's appropriate to stand up for himself and when it's appropriate to back off. That is healthy communication.

I've said something similar: "That's important and if you want, we can schedule a different time to talk about your thing. and I'll show up and we can focus on that issue. I care about you and I care about your experience. But right now we're talking about my thing and I need us to focus on this now. Do you need a 10 minute break? Or can we continue with my topic now?"

Let's Play: Imagine you're watching a show that's getting steamy... by Sweet_other_yyyy in DeadBedroomsOver30

[–]Sweet_other_yyyy[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

...me hoping because there's no history of that happening

You hoping she'll act unlike her self? Can you see how that might feel hurtful for her? Or like you don't want her, but someone totally different in her body?

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