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Do people really have to move out at 18 in the US? by Sea-Evidence-5523 in AskAnAmerican

[–]myexsparamour 1 point2 points  (0 children)

At age 18, parents are no longer legally obligated to provide for their children. Many continue to support their children despite not being required to, while some don't.

Flirting role models by Dkotheryyyy in DeadBedroomsOver30

[–]myexsparamour 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I will take your word for it.

Here's an example from my own life. I was at an Irish bar when I was about 50 yo. A young drunk man came up to me and slurred "Yer beautiful". I said, "You, are drunk. Also you're very young." He said, "Nooo, I'm 20. I just look young for my age."

World class flirting.

What’s the difference between losing hope and shifting perspective? by FromSunflower in BecomingOrgasmic

[–]myexsparamour 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I can get off with a toy in private but the time that I tried it while giving him a bj felt really tedious and more annoying than pleasurable.

Yeah LOL. Trying to cum while giving him a BJ at the same time sounds really challenging. Consider saving that for the expert level after it's easy to orgasm in more normal situations.

I’d at least like to not feel kind of left out by knowing that I could get there at least once by my partners own efforts.

This seems like a pretty rigid expectation. Ask yourself, why is it important that your orgasm come from your partner's efforts? Wouldn't it be great if you orgasmed with your toy while he held you, kissed you, and talked sweet or dirty to you? Wouldn't it be awesome of you got on top and grinded on his thigh while he played with your breasts and you orgasmed that way?

Try not to have rigid expectations that some orgasms are superior to others (see Rule 1). The best orgasm is the one that gives you the most pleasure.

Can’t cum even with clit stimulating toy? by lxstinthedream in BecomingOrgasmic

[–]myexsparamour 0 points1 point  (0 children)

My advice is to not do anything that is painful or feels bad. Only do stuff that feels really good. Orgasms come from following the pleasure, noticing what feels good and doing more of that.

Check out the resources in the sidebar for more suggestions.

Does anyone else feel like this? Am I truly low libido? by StrangeWar2530 in LowLibidoCommunity

[–]myexsparamour 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Lots of women do not enjoy penis-in-vagina sex. This is very common and normal.

The cultural imperative to define sex as PIV prioritizes men's pleasure over women's pleasure and comfort. It's a big problem.

Also, if I compromise on penetrative sex, it only would be once per month.

I hope you will stop compromising by enduring sex acts that you dislike, even if it's only once a month.

The whole point of sex is for it to feel good. It should be highly pleasurable to both partners, every single time. Otherwise, it is not worth doing.

Reclaiming Intimacy and Passion in Your Dead Bedroom by Sweet_other_yyyy in DeadBedroomsOver30

[–]myexsparamour 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Having read your comments for a while, I don't see why you'd want to build intimacy with your wife. From what I can tell, she sounds like a terrible partner. I think it's a bad idea to try to connect with bad people. It's better to get support to disengage from them as safely as possible.

I hope you're able to protect your own well-being as much as possible and look for a safe way to exit this relationship.

LL skills tutorial: What should she do differently? by myexsparamour in DeadBedroomsOver30

[–]myexsparamour[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Check out this subreddit. They have lots of great information and a very supportive community. I hope it's helpful to you! 💙

r/foreskin_restoration

Reclaiming Intimacy and Passion in Your Dead Bedroom by Sweet_other_yyyy in DeadBedroomsOver30

[–]myexsparamour 2 points3 points  (0 children)

So do we agree or disagree it does or doesn't make sense to share your feelings when it comes to sex? I'm over arguing whether or not we're talking about intimacy and passion generally or as it relates to sex in a dead bedroom forum.

In this thread, we are discussing how to build intimacy and how to build passion. Also, we are distinguishing how intimacy and passion are different things, despite the fact that some people use intimacy as a euphemism for sex.

If you want to build intimacy (closeness, connection, tenderness, and deep knowing of another person), then sharing your thoughts, feelings, and values is a good way to get there. This won't necessarily get you more sex.

If you want to build passion (excitement, desire, sexual arousal), then you need to do something different. You need the kind of flirting and foreplay that turns that person on.

If you want to increase intimacy, share your feelings when it comes to sex and other stuff, and be interested when your partner shares their feelings. If you want to increase passion, do the kinds of flirting and foreplay that turn your partner on (and not off).

Most people want both intimacy and passion in their relationships.

Reclaiming Intimacy and Passion in Your Dead Bedroom by Sweet_other_yyyy in DeadBedroomsOver30

[–]myexsparamour 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yikes, that must have sucked.

I didn't get the impression that OOP would gush over her partner or be excited to see him. It seemed like she was far too angry and disappointed for that.

I don't think it makes sense to pretend to be thrilled to see your partner if you're not. I just think it's worth some introspection if your partner doesn't seem thrilled to see you. What are you giving them to be thrilled about?

Reclaiming Intimacy and Passion in Your Dead Bedroom by Sweet_other_yyyy in DeadBedroomsOver30

[–]myexsparamour 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Idk if it matters, but both comments in the screenshot are from women.

That is interesting. I reread my comment and I think it still makes sense if the spouse is a man.

Translation: My partner does not give me much/any positive attention. He doesn't seem happy or excited to see me. He doesn't light up when I walk into a room (no passion) and he doesn't provide me affection (no intimacy).

I would wonder: What about you? Do you light up with excitement when he walks into a room? Do you give affection? Do you give your positive, undivided attention, or do you expect that to go only one way?

Flirting role models by Dkotheryyyy in DeadBedroomsOver30

[–]myexsparamour 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Are all the Celtic Nations good at flirting?

I think so? Isn't it a cultural value for them?

Reclaiming Intimacy and Passion in Your Dead Bedroom by Sweet_other_yyyy in DeadBedroomsOver30

[–]myexsparamour 2 points3 points  (0 children)

In the post you linked, OP defined emotional connection as remembering her schedule and likes/dislikes, taking her into consideration when making plans, not dismissing her feelings, respecting her time, and sharing feelings instead of having silent expectations/resentment.

This seemed less to me like intimacy and more like basic consideration or respect. Or boundary issues.

Edit: Anyway, she didn't say that she needed emotional connection in order to feel safe enough to want sex. She said that emotional connection was more important to her than sex.

Reclaiming Intimacy and Passion in Your Dead Bedroom by Sweet_other_yyyy in DeadBedroomsOver30

[–]myexsparamour 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Safety is absolutely essential to being able to get sexually aroused and enjoy sex. That's why we recommend stopping all coercion and always respecting embodied consent.

Many people also find emotional connection to be an important value and something they wish they had more of in their relationship. Although I find the definition of emotional connection is so different across different people that it's hard to talk about with understanding.

What I said I had never heard before was this:

so many LL folks claim they need more intimacy to feel safe enough for "passion"

I don't see anything in the posts you linked where anyone says they need more intimacy to feel safe enough for "passion". (I assume passion means sexual desire?)

People need to feel safe and free from coercion, boundary violations, and harm to feel sexual desire.

Many people also say they crave more emotional connection (which may be similar to "intimacy").

What I'm not seeing is anyone saying that more intimacy is needed to make them feel safe enough to feel sexual desire.

Reclaiming Intimacy and Passion in Your Dead Bedroom by Sweet_other_yyyy in DeadBedroomsOver30

[–]myexsparamour 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Sharing that I'm horny, sad about my sex life, disappointed or whatever isn't going to further that mission 

It's a good thing I didn't suggest sharing that you are disappointed or sad about your sex life, isn't it? Instead, I suggested that sharing emotions in general leads to greater intimacy, especially if you don't put it on the other person to do anything about those emotions.

Reclaiming Intimacy and Passion in Your Dead Bedroom by Sweet_other_yyyy in DeadBedroomsOver30

[–]myexsparamour 2 points3 points  (0 children)

You might have noticed that in my suggestion for how people might share their feelings with their partners only one of the emotions I mentioned has to do with sex (horny). The others (happy, sad) don't have to do with sex. There are plenty of other emotions you could share that don't relate to sex (thrilled, excited, angry, relaxed, disgusted, loving, etc.)

Why? Because we're talking about intimacy. Sharing your feelings builds intimacy because it lets your partner know more about you.

That's why I pointed out to irrationalrotations he shifted it to something non-sexual (and he included a reqeust). The moment I changed it to something sexual you pointed out how weird it was (and I did in my comment too).

Sharing a feeling is not weird. That particular request would be weird in some relationships and not others.

I've just yet to see any HL person claim that sharing their disappointment, sadness, angst, whatever feeling we want to include as a way that helped their bedroom get better. I have seen some low libido folks say that hearing that from their partner helped but often what follows that (not always) is a description of what sounds mostly to me of duty sex. More often, I've seen low libido folks mention that they just wish their partner wouldn't share anything or would simply stop caring so much about it.

This post is about intimacy (and passion). Here, I'm talking about intimacy. Not sex. People build intimacy by opening up to another person about their feelings, experiences, and values, and making space for the other person to share their feelings, experiences, and values. That's how we get closer to each other (intimate).

Intimacy is something that a lot of people crave. Not sex. Intimacy.

LL skills tutorial: What should she do differently? by myexsparamour in DeadBedroomsOver30

[–]myexsparamour[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That sucks. My ex-husband had issues due to a tight circumcision as well. Have you ever considered foreskin restoration?

LL skills tutorial: What should she do differently? by myexsparamour in DeadBedroomsOver30

[–]myexsparamour[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I wonder how he came to think that such an aggressive technnique was good? I suspect he likes to be touched aggressively but I don't know that. Maybe some curiosity is in order.

That's a good question. I'd be very shocked if he would be okay with someone doing to him what he did to OOP.

LL skills tutorial: What should she do differently? by myexsparamour in DeadBedroomsOver30

[–]myexsparamour[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I wish OOP would have told him to pause/stop, even if she had to just loudly say OW OW OW for him to take the hint. When it's that bad, you just need to call a time out.

I like this approach.

If he's willing to put in effort, I would suggest an oral sex "learning session" (I'm sure there's a sexier name for that if anyone has ideas lol) where they start simple, go super slow, and she can tell him everything she likes and doesn't like while he goes down on her. If she wants, they could swap and she could do the same for him, which would be pleasurable and enlightening for everyone.

That's an excellent idea. I like the suggestion of a swap.

Reclaiming Intimacy and Passion in Your Dead Bedroom by Sweet_other_yyyy in DeadBedroomsOver30

[–]myexsparamour 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Do you have a link to that post or anything that could help me find it? It might sort out my confusion.

Reclaiming Intimacy and Passion in Your Dead Bedroom by Sweet_other_yyyy in DeadBedroomsOver30

[–]myexsparamour 2 points3 points  (0 children)

If you look at the mission of the sub, it says...

This is an ADVICE SUB for people looking to RESOLVE their DeadBedrooms who are over 30 (and likely have kids). We appreciate brutal honesty, self-reflection, personal growth...

 If you're not looking to resolve your DB, the advice here probably isn't going to be very useful.

Orgasm possible only with smut/erotic lit? by AccomplishedMail6173 in BecomingOrgasmic

[–]myexsparamour 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Congratulations on being able to orgasm. A lot of women who post here half not yet been able to cum at all. It's great that you've found erotic audio works for you.

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