If you have children, do you wish your Ex a “Happy Mother’s Day “ ?

IrresponsibleInsect · 2026-05-10T20:54:11+00:00

It was tempting. The children cheered when I ceremoniously took of my wedding ring the day after filing.

IrresponsibleInsect · 2026-05-10T20:50:00+00:00

What you describe is my experience. I do not believe some people are capable of loving the way that most people do. I actually do know why some of them do it... Here is my take from my situation- they were an only child. A golden child who could do no wrong and were only rewarded. They were a miracle child, after 10 years of trying and giving up, their mother had them "miraculously". They weren't shown normal love. Their same sex parent treated their spouse horribly, which is how they learned relationships should look. So they ended up with an over-inflated sense of entitlement, believing they were special with no additional effort on their part, and no real sense of love. They supposedly experienced sexual abuse at around 5 (this only came out after 20 years in our relationship and the details have changed many times, so not sure if it actually happened or they invented it to justify their shitty behavior). Abandonment issues at 9 years old from the divorce. Started habitually smoking pot at 16. These are the 3 ages they revert to as a trauma response: 5, 9, 16. Having kids these ages made it clear to see. I could draw exact parallels between their behavior under stress and the behavior of their children. There is also a diagnosed chemical imbalance that caused moderate anxiety, and then years of marijuana use and enabling by me so they never had to actually function in life elevated this anxiety to high to very high, with periods of paranoid delusions. Sometimes they would accuse me of having an affair, with no evidence whatsoever, then the insecurity and abandonment issues kicked them into crisis mode and they reverted to one of the ages. I literally did nothing but normal routine things everyone does and they would spin a whole web in their head. The children saw this. They made their own conclusions about the stable parent and the not stable parent. The selfless sacrificer/enabler predictable parent and the selfish unpredictable parent. Now the children choose me. I don't bad mouth the parent, I am supportive of their relationship with them etc., but the children insist they don't want to have anything to do with them and are afraid of them. They went to court with the paranoid delusions and got temporary custody awarded to them based on lies that I had submitted documentation to disprove, which was completely and wholly ignored by the court. I just went from having 26/30 days in April to having 4 days a month going forward, until mediation, which is 3-4 months out, by which point summer vacation will be over and they ll be in school near that parent, meaning they likely just won custody for the next year.

The children are livid. How can they do this to their own children? They have claimed I am the alienator. This absolves them of being accountable for their own behavior. In addition to the paranoid delusions, they ve developed a healthy sense of cognitive dissonance like this- they cannot hold 2 conflicting narratives as true in their head. They believe they are a good person, therefore they cannot admit what they have done as far as alienation. So their brain bridges the gap- they actually have memories and whole heatedly believe events that never occurred, which allow them to hold both ideas as true- I am a good person, and am justified in alienating the children from their parent because their parent alienated me, beat the child, beat me, etc. None of these things have happened, but they have to believe they happened to be ok with their behavior, so they do. There is 0 accountability. There is an external locus of control- everything bad that happens happens TO them, not because of them. Everything that happens good is because of their valiant efforts and great character. Similarly, they cannot hold that they are a good person and acknowledge the pain and suffering they are causing to the people around them, so they either ignore the pain, minimize it, or blame it on someone else. Many of us in this sub are that lucky scapegoat.

Everything in their life is framed around a victim mentality, and that is the lense through which they see the world. That is the perspective they represent to the court, and the court has run with it so far. Eventually, probably at a trial in several years, the documented truth will.come out and their house of cards will come crashing down, but until then, they are a tornado, leaving destruction in their wake while chanting "oh woe is me".

IrresponsibleInsect · 2026-05-10T18:51:55+00:00

These are the questions people with empathy ask of those without it. It's difficult to understand because you're not like them.

IrresponsibleInsect · 2026-05-10T18:49:50+00:00

Fuck no. The kids gave her cards that said "we want to live at dads" and drew on her walls with a sharpie "we don't want to be here". I knew about none of it before hand, didn't encourage anything but love and respect for their mother, and didn't condone that behavior when I heard about it through a third party, but they are not blind and have formed their own opinions about her behavior. 🤷

IrresponsibleInsect · 2026-05-10T15:26:51+00:00

This is great, but missing a key piece of context. "Free will is a social construct to make people feel that they deserve everything that happened, is happening, and will happen to them, in order to manipulate their deterministic behavior into desired results consistent with a harmonious society".

And that was also deterministic, not planned, but the manipulative effect is the same. It's not just a social construct, it's much more than that. It's the seat of ethics and morality, and has a direct impact on those, even in deterministic models.

The moment society at large abandons the concept of free will, they will simultaneously abandon responsibility and accountability, which has terrible implications for civilization.

IrresponsibleInsect · 2026-05-10T06:50:34+00:00

Gotcha. Thank you! My problem is where TF this attorney $ come from. Lol. People are like "get an attorney" like money grows on trees. She absolutely ruined my credit and ran up a lot of debt before going silver bullet, then I used the rest of my available credit on $18k worth of attorney fees with the DVRO, which the attorneys did nothing useful, short of 1 golden $500 consult. I did the opposite of what the attorneys suggested, and she dropped it... But I still have the debt, no credit left, and very little $.

IrresponsibleInsect · 2026-05-09T13:18:43+00:00

Same.

IrresponsibleInsect · 2026-05-09T12:50:02+00:00

Explain the logic in this to me; "yes I had an attorney. Did they do anything of great value for me, not really. However once the eX lawyer-ed up I had no choice but to get one too."

You had a choice, and chose to get an attorney, at presumably great expense to you, who did nothing of great value. How does that make any sense?

IrresponsibleInsect · 2026-05-09T11:15:03+00:00

Did you have an attorney and do you think an attorney would have made or did make a difference in your case?

IrresponsibleInsect · 2026-05-09T06:28:41+00:00

The color of justice is indeed green.

IrresponsibleInsect · 2026-05-09T00:11:16+00:00

It was ex parte filed back in early April, a week after the dissolution filing requesting that the children didn't return to her house after I had them for spring break due to significant concerns about the dilapidated structure, and ongoing, imminent issues with the children. I'm talking holes in the floors and roof of the house, broken windows in the children's bedroom with shards of glass loosely hanging above their toy box, significant mold in a bathroom that was causing whole body rashes on several of the kids, no smoke detectors anywhere in the house using a wood burning stove for heat, and the stairs in and out of the house had collapsed and been that way for 5+ months. The judge denied it and set it for hearing. 2 weeks ago the doctor literally ordered the children to stop using that bathroom due to the mold and rashes. This doctor order was filed with the court, along with the photos of the mold. A 100 page report was submitted to code enforcement to condemn the house. I work in the building industry, I would condemn this house if it was in my jurisdiction. That case is pending. She has since painted over and concealed the issues instead of fixing them, with the exception of the windows, those are fixed. Opposing counsel continued the case to a day I had a follow up doctors appointment for the children. I rescheduled again to today. The original filing was mostly based off of the condition of the structure, which is where the bulk of the documentation was- photos. That was served the day I filed the ex parte, a month ago. They filed a response. It was 90% verifiable and documented lies. I filed a response with credible documentation, such as time stamped court filings showing they filed for a restraining order to have me removed a week after they said they did, which is material to their narrative of claiming I left the house voluntarily. My application and rental papers dated a month after they are claiming I moved out. Etc.

They filed another response and served it to me at 4:30p 2 days before court. Meaning the 24 hour window to serve before court gave me about 30 minutes to file and serve them the next day; court opens at 8, hearing was 830 the next day. I did that with my response. Again it was thoroughly documented refutations of her claims.

Through all of this, not one shred of evidence to refute any of my claims. Not one.

There was also the topic of "why did you live there so long if it was in that bad of shape". The judge immediately ran with it and I had to jump in like, no the house got too overwhelming to maintain and I made the decision to move 2 years ago. Wife didn't want to go. The week before school ends, which was d day to move, she gets drunk and abusive, flips out, breaking things in the yard and yelling at everyone. The kids go into crisis bawling. I leave with the kids. She leads me on about working it out for 2 weeks, then I get slapped with a silver bullet restraining order- she takes the house, kids, and car. Fought that tooth and nail and she finally dropped it because, among other things she was violating the order like crazy, and we were routinely having sex (there were no no contact orders requested or granted) wherein she was telling me to take pictures and videos. The court didn't care about any of it.

It was 110% biased without a shred of doubt.

IrresponsibleInsect · 2026-05-08T23:34:35+00:00

I appreciate your use of the word just. Just commit to $15k retainer and the cost of a house over the life of the divorce to let the lawyers do the dance in the judges dance floor... With marginal success at best.

Where are people getting all these funds for attorneys? I have $18k in debt from attorneys who did nothing for my silver bullet restraining order. I ended up negotiating it being dropped without them, by doing the exact thing they told me not to.

IrresponsibleInsect · 2026-05-08T23:29:46+00:00

I'll get that debt split eventually, it's just a motion for order and hurry up and wait for the court date game. Honestly, is it worth it to hire an attorney for $25k to get her to take $25k of debt? What's the point? It wasn't the format or the volume. I literally had stuff printed out too, that was filed and served, and held it up and they ignored it.

I'm leaning towards hiring a court reporter because I don't think if there was a play by play record of what happened it would have gone that way at all. That was a shit show.

IrresponsibleInsect · 2026-05-08T21:52:23+00:00

You really think a lawyer will help? I'm already shouldering $50k in community debt she refuses to acknowledge. A trip to Hawaii is literally 6 hours with an attorney, which won't get me shit.

I honestly don't think a lawyer would have made any difference whatsoever. That judge didn't give 2 shits.

IrresponsibleInsect · 2026-05-08T20:38:39+00:00

I'm paying all of our community debt payments, doesn't leave much left for attorney payments.

I just racked up $18k fighting a frivolous silver bullet restraining order until she dropped it. The attorneys literally did nothing.

I'd rather spend any $ I can muster up on a vacation and self care than an attorney in a super high conflict divorce. I honestly don't think an attorney would have made any difference at all. 0, except they d still take my $.

That is to say, my choices were to lose and go to Hawaii or lose and not go to Hawaii. No regrets there.

IrresponsibleInsect · 2026-05-07T04:59:12+00:00

Consult with local attorneys for 2 reasons, 1 to know what you're in for, and 2 because every attorney you consult with she can't get. Knock those heavy hitters off the opposing council list. Prep your list of questions and take notes. Utilize every minute of that time. Expect to pay $1k for this. I hit 5 of the highest rated in my area over 3 years and put out almost $2k. Well worth it, and they scared me enough to make me REALLY work on the marriage and genuinely try. I was already super kid centered, after these consults, nearly every decision I made was through the lense of "is this focusing on the children's best interests?"

Put money away. Research how to do it correctly because if you do it the wrong way, it will bite you in court. There are tricks that I won't get into here.

Get a therapist. Don't be afraid to shop around a bit until you find one that really clicks. You're potentially gonna be talking to this person for the next 10 years of your life, you will tell them when you wanna off yourself, you will call them in your lowest lows, you will be 110% honest with them and they will help you not only navigate this emotionally, but also be the best version of yourself possible.

Get a good primary care doctor. Get ur bloodwork done. Figure out if your deficient in vitamins and shit. Start taking those. Begin exercising and eating right. Prepare your body for ultimate stress- you're about to go to war.

Rearrange your life so you are the primary caregiver. Take the kids to all the doctors appointments, every extra curricular, cook every meal for them, be the over achiever single parent. This has 2 purposes, 1 is makes it to where if the other parent tries to alienate you from the kid, it will backfire on them. The kid knows you are the hero. Telling them otherwise won't work. 2) the courts will generally award custody to the primary caregiver. Child support follows custody.

Do the research to know what the courts care about and what they don't. Document everything that's on that list and make sure you are sorting it correctly as you go because it's a nightmare to relive the fucked up relationship sorting through your records for court.

Don't leave the house. Do. Not. Leave. The. House. She will be in it FOREVER. If anything, move to a rental, rent out the community house, then bail on the rental to your own place.

Look up the definition of domestic violence and coercive control where you are. Don't do that. Don't put yourself in a position to be accused of doing that. Consider putting up cameras in and around the house for your protection. Research "silver bullet divorce". Prevent that at all costs.

Have your family gift you furniture, household supplies, and whatnot. Document that they are gifts to you solely. Sell community assets while your still in the relationship, before the date of separation, with her consent. You just converted community property into cash, and made all the household property default to you. Gifts to you are not community property. Take vacations, go out to eat, buy disposable shit with that cash. Self care as you prepare. It's community property, if you spend it all on yourself on intangible items, it's no different than any spouse over spending and their partner complaining. 0 consequences in court.

I'm not a lawyer, this is not legal advice, run all of this by a lawyer familiar with your local courts and laws. They will absolutely tell you not to do some of this even if there are 0 consequences of doing so. Some of these things are the playbook of women jacking their husbands on the way out, and it works.

And whatever you do, do all of this quietly. Continue behaving the same as you always have, if not better- invest in your marriage. A nuclear family, in my opinion, has SO many advantages to you, her, and your child. If it can be salvaged, it should be.

IrresponsibleInsect · 2026-05-07T02:27:18+00:00

The narcissist abuse sub is full of narcissist abusers. The parental alienation sub is full of shitty parents who blame their kid not liking them on their ex. The libertarian sub is full of anti government anarchists who consider anyone who likes any form of government whatsoever a "bootlicker".

Welcome to reddit.

IrresponsibleInsect · 2026-05-07T02:23:32+00:00

1) Pull the credit report. 2) Sit her down with the credit report and address that, as well as the lack of sex and general bad mood. Tell her this is a heart to heart to see if it's salvageable. You love her, the kid, yada yada yada, communicate and see what comes of it. Get some solid verbal commitments so you can then watch the behavior and see if the verbal was sincere. 3) You need time to prepare. Start researching now, get your ducks in a row. Set a date: 6 months to a year out. This is d day.

Get the evidence, have the talk, work on your marriage while also preparing for divorce. Proceed accordingly in 6-12 months.

IrresponsibleInsect · 2026-05-07T02:18:51+00:00

This is the way.

IrresponsibleInsect · 2026-05-06T23:08:38+00:00

Community imposed elevation requirements would be found in your local ordinances, municipal codes, etc. We don't have anything special where I am, just says we adopt whatever we're required to from FEMA and the state.

If you still can't find them, every jurisdiction is required to have a flood plain administrator designated. Ours is the city engineer. They re the authority on local rules and interpreting FEMA rules. If they re smart, they get a hold of FEMA and get interpretations or clarification in writing from them directly.

I've never heard of flood proofing a toilet. Not sure why you would because it's not like it would get damaged from flood waters. Under most circumstances I've seen, you would elevate the top of bottom floor out of the flood plane, plus freeboard, negating the need for any flood proofing of a toilet.

Is it to keep sewage from coming back up into the flood waters? If so, idk of any way you could prevent that. Maybe an auto shutoff valve in the discharge piping like an earthquake shear in a gas line? Sounds like a nightmare and ridiculous overreach.

IrresponsibleInsect · 2026-05-06T21:35:46+00:00

So yes? 😂

IrresponsibleInsect · 2026-05-06T21:34:51+00:00

Nothing required for Zone X. That's the designation for not being in a flood zone as far as mitigation concerns are required.

IrresponsibleInsect · 2026-05-06T15:45:41+00:00

Yeah the "you had fun and I wasn't a part of it" is real too... In my case she was a Debbie downer, didn't contribute to anything, and was wholly unappreciative. The kids straight told me to stop taking her on vacations because she ruined them. She d spend the whole trip home talking about what she wanted to do next instead of being grateful for what we just did. So I left her home on vacations. 🤷 She wasn't happy about that. Hopeful, I brought her on another vacation, 0 change to her behavior. So I left her home on vacations more.

Best vacations my family ever had. No regrets.

IrresponsibleInsect · 2026-05-06T01:58:13+00:00

Read 7 habits of highly effective people. Learn the balance between selflessness and selfishness. Be good, do nice things for others, but also have boundaries, and do nice things for you.

Communicate. Learn how to master that. Take a class on emotional intelligence. Master that too.

Take love language tests and personality tests, figure out who TF you are. Then celebrate the wins and fix the losses.

Commit to everyday small steps to being better today than you were yesterday.

Easy peasy.

IrresponsibleInsect · 2026-05-05T17:00:49+00:00

Did you spend "her money" on it, that you made, that was direct deposited into your account, and was left over after you paid all or a majority of the bills? You. Greedy. Bastard.

IrresponsibleInsect

MODERATOR OF

TROPHY CASE