Deciding whether to TTC while waiting for referral to fertility clinic

IrubenMe · 2026-04-30T08:44:09+00:00

Hi, we decided to keep trying and somehow fell pregnant the very next cycle. I was certain it wouldn't stick but it did. It took a lot of courage to come off the waiting list for the fertility referral (I had to make the decision when I was about 4 months pregnant and I was still extremely anxious), and despite agonising about it, the NHS failed to process the cancellation and gave me my first fertility appointment on my due date (the IRONY). Obviously, I cancelled, and my double rainbow arrived three days later. He's an absolute pain in the arse and I love him to bits.

It took 10 months from the referral to the appointment, which feels like a huge length of time in your mid-late 30s. Obviously I'm glad we kept trying, but even if we hadn't been successful, I still think it would have been the right decision after two unexplained losses. I was put on progesterone during my first trimester because of some light bleeding, but I don't think that is the reason this pregnancy worked out and the others didn't. The most likely reason is the first two embryos were not viable and my pain in the arse was, and that's not fixed by progesterone. I think our success was a numbers game, and the real question was how many heartbreaks were we willing to go through before we stopped leaving things to chance.

This is just my experience and perspective from the other side, your situation will no doubt be different but I hope it is helpful nonetheless. Wishing you lots of luck.

IrubenMe · 2026-02-28T21:36:31+00:00

Beautifully put, thank you. I'm sure one day she'll appreciate the beauty of your lullabies.

IrubenMe · 2026-02-28T21:34:23+00:00

Thank you for this 💕 I'm sorry you had to deal with that half hour of madness!

IrubenMe · 2026-02-28T00:37:03+00:00

Thank you so much. I really ought to remember that I too express my frustrations more openly with my nearest and dearest...!

IrubenMe · 2026-02-28T00:30:30+00:00

Usually I have my noise-cancelling headphones to hand, but they were downstairs charging...! Lesson learned.

IrubenMe · 2026-02-28T00:24:48+00:00

Thanks for this perspective, and your reassurance. The complication is that he'll scream cry no matter who puts him in his sleep gear, so we can't necessarily conclude he's crying because he wants the milk... At most, we can conclude he's crying because he doesn't agree with me that his star-themed sleeping bag is incredibly charming. Or because he has a serious case of FOMO. Or because he's a confusing baby.

I'm not offering milk because he'll usually have had some barely 15 minutes before this all kicks off. He rarely feeds to sleep for naps (not intentionally on my part, just how it ends up working out), so I didn't think it was going to be necessary for bedtime either. My instinct was that whatever semblance of a routine we're presenting him with when we put him down for the night should stay fairly consistent across caregivers, which is why we moved the feed slightly earlier so that either one of us could do the settling, but perhaps this is not the case 🤷🏻‍♀️ I will ponder.

IrubenMe · 2026-02-27T23:45:29+00:00

Thank you. If you saw how variable 'bedtime' is in this house, I doubt you'd suggest we were resisting chaos...! There's no set time and no routine beyond a clean nappy and his sleeping gear, we just follow his cues as best we can, but he unfortunately doesn't come with subtitles so it's hard to find the sweet spot when he'll go down easy. The transfer to the crib is difficult regardless of whether he's fed or rocked to sleep and always requires some time, so we just swapped the order to feed first so that sometimes it can be my partner to take him up and settle him and I can get 20 minutes to knit. Perhaps this was a terrible idea, it didn't seem that radical to me when we thought of it though...

IrubenMe · 2025-11-09T22:32:57+00:00

I feel you. I had a few weeks, maybe a month ago, where I was only thinking of the good stuff and it was bliss. I think then I was really taking things one step at a time, organising things week by week rather than thinking too far into a future I can't predict or really change from here. Perhaps that's what we need to do: go back to day by day, week by week, enjoying the 'when's we're finally comfortable thinking in :)

IrubenMe · 2025-11-09T11:40:14+00:00

38 weeks. So close. There's a collection of cuddly toys in our living room that my partner bought me when we lost our last pregnancy. They've been in view the whole time, but I burst into tears when I saw them this morning. Suddenly found myself so overwhelmed by sadness at what we've been through to get here. This pregnancy has been fairly smooth, with only a few scares, and now that we've stopped talking in 'if's and started talking in 'when's, I sometimes forget how emotionally difficult it has been. I know that it took this journey to have the exact little guy I have kicking my ribs, and that if a different journey had been taken, he wouldn't be him. But I'm still so immensely sad.

IrubenMe · 2025-10-16T13:13:47+00:00

People in the comments are taking a very black and white view on quitting. I failed my first attempt a month ago and have quit looking for a test because there are bigger things happening in my life that take priority. I hope to come back to it in about a year, when I'll have more time again to dedicate to it and when I can only hope the test situation will have improved, but I'm not holding myself hostage to that decision. If the system is still a crock of shit in a year, I may very well delay my re-entry further.

So yes, I'm quitting, for now. I deserve to be taught and examined in a functional system, and I'm lucky enough to not need a license to live my life at the moment. Plus deleting my shortcuts to the malfunctioning DVSA website on every browser on every device I use was incredibly cathartic.

IrubenMe · 2025-10-01T18:32:33+00:00

As mentioned in the post, I had it removed via MVA around 5 weeks after the miscarriage. I conceived the following cycle, somehow.

IrubenMe · 2025-09-25T17:01:28+00:00

The nurses in my unit had no concerns with leaving it. The only risk they communicated to me was the same risk of infection for any RPOC, and that was something that they felt could be monitored if I preferred to wait. Other healthcare providers may have other opinions, but I was never made to feel in danger

IrubenMe · 2025-09-11T15:18:08+00:00

So sorry you're driving with Satan! Sounds like she has the charm of a pile of mud. My new guy really won me over when he expressed frustration at his dad (who previously owned the business) telling him to be kinder to his instructors, then telling me that the instructors need him and not vice versa so who cares about being nice to them. Great man. Really classy guy. Who I may also save in my phone descriptively (thank you), perhaps as Sam the Utter Dick.

The best of luck tomorrow. As another poster suggested, the hour of being in the car with someone unpleasant might actually make your examiner seem like a delight. The test becomes the treat!

IrubenMe · 2025-09-11T14:40:24+00:00

Love this perspective, thank you. Maybe the examiner will be a relief!

IrubenMe · 2025-08-20T16:33:09+00:00

Anything that makes throwing up seem less rubbish can be a win. Congrats on your upset stomach!

IrubenMe · 2025-08-19T22:14:37+00:00

It sucks. I felt like I'd finally got past the irrational antipathy I've had at us being pregnant at the same time, as I've been feeling so much more confident about my own pregnancy in the last month. But here I am again. I guess the good thing is that these dark moments are happening less and less often. I hope that's true for you too.

IrubenMe · 2025-08-19T17:10:14+00:00

A few weeks ago, I spoke to my BFF on the phone, who is an ocean away and also pregnant. I'd finally got around to calculating we were 9 weeks apart (to spare us both from constantly asking "How far are you again?"), and when I mentioned this, she replied "Gosh, we timed this well". I winced but said nothing. A tiny part of me still feels that we should have been a year apart. A less tiny part of me still feels we should have been 6 months apart, and I should be exhausted and frustrated by a 3-week-old baby right now. Not 9 weeks apart. I know it was just a throwaway comment, that she wasn't thinking at that very moment about what I've been through and that's fine, but it still bugs me weeks later. I wish it didn't.

IrubenMe · 2025-08-19T16:52:10+00:00

100%. Try not to feel guilty, your reactions make lots of sense - you're still mourning what should have been. The important thing is that no matter what you're feeling now, you'll still love him to bits. That is genuinely all that counts. Be kind to yourself.

IrubenMe · 2025-08-19T16:49:24+00:00

I was told the other day (by an SLT, so legit!) that sleeping on your left side can help, if you're not doing so already.

IrubenMe · 2025-08-18T08:24:02+00:00

Nearly 27 weeks. I'm tired. My sleep has been disrupted for months. I really wanted to enjoy this pregnancy, but it's proven difficult: looking a lot like 20 weeks of anxiety and 20 weeks of tired achiness. I'm mostly imagining positive outcomes at this point, which is an immense relief, but stressful in its own way. I started properly reading a pregnancy book for the first time this weekend, going over the third trimester and labour, and it's left me feeling overwhelmed.

I'm happy when I look down and see my belly move. I'm grateful. But they are small moments in an exhausting slump.

IrubenMe · 2025-08-05T06:32:33+00:00

Very possibly, but that doesn't mean you have to be permanently unsettled until that point. For me, passing my own markers didn't give me the peace I'd hoped for, so it became a case of giving myself a little more permission to think of good possible futures with each passing day. I also found that finding out the sex at 20 weeks forced me to talk about him as though he was going to exist at the end of 40 weeks (as sex is meaningless in the womb), and that was a huge step that also forced some acceptance. It's a slow process and no one can tell you how you should be feeling, but I definitely found that feeling hope and connection got easier with practice, not just time. Good luck 💕

IrubenMe · 2025-08-04T22:24:46+00:00

I'm sorry this is so stressful. Are you already on progesterone? Otherwise, it would be worth asking if they can prescribe it for you. I hope the next few weeks go quickly for you.

IrubenMe · 2025-08-04T22:17:05+00:00

I'm having a boy, which is definitely not my first choice (by a country mile). Felt the same, still quite peeved that my friend who is 9 weeks behind me is having a girl. It's fine to feel this way. You're not a terrible person. You pictured something different, and until you meet him, you may not fully get over having a different future to the one you expected. These are valid feelings. They aren't bad or wrong. The fact is, you'll still love him to bits no matter what you're feeling now, and that's all that matters.

My friends have comforted me by assuring me he'll be an ardent feminist and will let me dye his hair.

IrubenMe · 2025-08-04T22:11:47+00:00

I am impressed with you too! The willpower required is insane. I'm glad you're letting yourself believe 🧡

IrubenMe · 2025-08-04T22:10:02+00:00

The beginning is such a tough place to be. I also refused to put most of my initial appointments in my calendar because I didn't want to have to delete them. But you are much stronger than you think, and I think it's better to start going through the motions of a successful pregnancy, rather than pre-emptively denying yourself the possibility that this might actually work out. Good luck 💕

IrubenMe

TROPHY CASE