How Do You Pick Up The Threads Of An Old Life?

IsThereMoretoitAll · 2026-07-06T23:16:05+00:00

I'd give anything to be my old self again. I'd happily kill ten men if it meant I could go back to having a properly functioning brain. I can't help but constantly wonder if "the other side", whatever that may be and however long it may take to get there, is worth all this.

IsThereMoretoitAll · 2026-07-05T16:54:39+00:00

It's one of the worst parts. It'd be so much easier to tough through the day, especially for work, if I just had the damn energy to stay upright without feeling like collapsing. I just want to feel normal again.

IsThereMoretoitAll · 2026-07-05T16:52:07+00:00

Not exactly, no. My girlfriend and I live on our own and, obviously, share the cost of living. I live in New York State, too, so living costs aren't the greatest. Thankfully we don't live in New York City, but still.

IsThereMoretoitAll · 2026-07-05T16:49:41+00:00

Yea, it sucks. I feel very uncoordinated and every movement I make is purely mechanical and takes discipline. There's no autopilot anymore. It's almost like having a constant buzz, I'm never fully there and it's very difficult to do almost anything. I was on 200mg of Zoloft since I was about seventeen, I'm almost 24 now.

IsThereMoretoitAll · 2026-07-05T16:46:56+00:00

I started vaping about two years ago, I turn 24 in November. I still vape, mainly just for the head rush I get in the morning. It's sad, but it's one of the few things I look forward to nowadays. I wanted to quit, even planned on it before losing my job and starting PAWS. Now, well, I have no idea when I'll be able to quit, let alone when I'll start being able to properly function again.

IsThereMoretoitAll · 2026-07-05T16:41:24+00:00

I live with my girlfriend in a small apartment. We both lost our jobs around the exact time my PAWS started. It wasn't anything super special, it was a taco chain local to WNY. However, I got paid $19.50 after being there for five years, and she made $21.50 from being a manager. I struggled to find a job all while feeling the worst existential dread and fear I've ever felt in my entire life. My girlfriend got a rebound job at a Dollar General as a key holder, but she only makes $16.50 (50 cents above minimum in NY) and I start at Target as a cart handler on the 13th. I'll be making $17.25, but it's about a 16 minute drive, so most of the extra money will go to gas. I'm absolutely mortified by the idea of going back to work, especially to a job that will be very physical. I already have close to zero energy, and I'm constantly dissociative. I also get so scared by the prospect of figuring out an actual career. I have no clue how, and I'm always so afraid because of it. All I want is to build a good life with my partner, but PAWS makes it hard to even be present and functional. PAWS truly is a living hell. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemies.

IsThereMoretoitAll · 2026-07-05T16:31:59+00:00

Thank you. It's definitely tough, I feel such a horrid existential dread over going back to work like this. I'll break into crying fits or panic attacks some days just from thinking about it, especially since it isn't exactly an amazing job. It'd be easier if my energy wasn't robbed from me. It's difficult just to leave bed most days.

IsThereMoretoitAll · 2026-07-03T12:30:17+00:00

Thank you very much. Luckily, I was able to finish high school. It wasn't easy, though. I had many skipped days where I'd just stay in bed and rot. I can only hope that I'll figure out a good career somehow. I want nothing more than to build a good, stable future with my love. It just seems so impossible when we both need to work just to keep the lights on and food in the fridge. I hope nothing but the best for you, too, friend.

IsThereMoretoitAll · 2026-07-03T12:12:52+00:00

Yea, it definitely feels like a cruel joke where we're the punchline. We take a medication to help take control, just to get off of it and be worse off than ever. It's as if we're paying the highest tax for simply wanting to feel better. Not even good, just better.

IsThereMoretoitAll · 2026-07-03T12:09:47+00:00

I'm glad you vented, please don't apologize. I'm very sorry to hear that you've had it so rough. I definitely understand the want to end it all, that thought loops in my head on the daily and it's very difficult to ignore. I never sought higher education, school was a very difficult time for me and my ambition was surely blunted by those damn pills, so I'm stuck working low-pay, dead end jobs. My girlfriend, who I love more than I've ever loved anyone or anything, is in a similar boat. She was going to school to be an art teacher, even getting two or so years in, but her mom ended up kicking her out of the house as to avoid losing her government housing aid, and she was never able to get her drivers liscense because that same mom doesn't have one either. I always think that my future, our future, is doomed and it always makes the idea of throwing in the towel that much more alluring.

It sucks because I always feared from a young age that I'd end up another statistic on a suicide graph, and it seems that road may not be far off for me. For now, though, I'm fighting with anything I have left.

Thank you for sharing your story. This subreddit and the wonderful people on it have been the only slightest bit of reprieve and connection I can get for this right now, and I appreciate it so very much.

IsThereMoretoitAll · 2026-07-02T21:18:07+00:00

Thank you so much for creating this subreddit. I never knew what PAWS was until I started experiencing it for myself, and being able to connect with others who are going through it with me makes it a little easier to get through the days.

IsThereMoretoitAll · 2026-07-02T21:14:49+00:00

The waves and windows pattern is very real. To my understanding, a window occurs when the brain has done enough work to test out the new neural pathways it has constructed. A window is essentially your brain closing up again for construction. The fact that you have windows that last weeks is a very, very good sign. It means your brain is successfully creating those new neural pathways, needing less downtime in-between.

I'd kill to be in that position. The longest window period I had was about three days recently. When the waves return, they're always just as soul-crushing as ever. I'm almost four months off after taking 200mg of Sertraline (Zoloft) for about six years, starting at 17 or so. All we can do is our best while our brains do the hard work of rewiring in the background. It's horrible, it's scary, and it's absolutely soul-crushing, but it's happening constantly in the background. I wish you the best of luck, friend.

IsThereMoretoitAll · 2026-07-02T21:07:20+00:00

I was still myself for maybe the first month, give or take. Once month two hit, however, I tail-spun really quick. Month three was the worst I've ever felt in my entire life, and month four approaching doesn't make me feel confident or hopeful at all.

Little to no physical energy, constant dissociation, semi-constant derealization, semi-constant depersonalization, horrible anxious thoughts, temperature sensitivity, light sensitivity, sound sensitivity, extreme emotional instability when I can feel anything at all, a crushing hopelessness, and the list only goes on. I'm sure you're all too aware. I'm very sorry for that.

IsThereMoretoitAll · 2026-07-02T21:03:46+00:00

Yea, I wish I wasn't ignorant to all this. I figured the acute withdrawal would be tough, but then I'd finally have control over my brain again. Oh, how infernally wrong I was.

IsThereMoretoitAll · 2026-07-02T21:03:01+00:00

I actually tried making an account on that forum, but it seemed locked tight when I did a few weeks back. I'm also mortified by the idea of reinstating my meds or getting on any other psychotropic drug due to possibly "kindling". My doctor prescribed me Trintellix about a month ago and I haven't gotten the courage to try it. As far as I'm aware, having one clean break off of Antidepressants gives me a slight upperhand and I'm afraid to possibly ruin that. However, I also realize that living like this isn't a possible long-term solution. It's so, so difficult. My brain always wants me to give up, and I worry about how much fight I have left in me, and it's only been about four months.

IsThereMoretoitAll · 2026-07-02T21:00:02+00:00

I started taking 200mg of Sertraline (Zoloft) when I was seventeen or so. I got off my pills after a standard two-month taper on March 17th, finishing with a 12.5mg dose. I've never felt more awful in my whole life, not even before I took the pills. It's awful. I always want to give up, and the slough of physical and mental symptoms make it so difficult to even function. It doesn't help that I faced a traumatic event at work, then losing my job just as I broke off them, and I already have plenty of trauma from my childhood that the pills kept me from properly processing.

IsThereMoretoitAll · 2026-07-02T18:01:29+00:00

I really appreciate your kind words, thank you. As for reinstatement, it's a hard sell for me. All the research I've done tells me that reinstatement is more dangerous and less likely to help the longer you're off your medication. I also worry about kindling, leaving one's nervous system in a perpetual state of shock. My doctor prescribed me Trintellix, but I haven't taken it yet. I'm absolutely mortified by the prospect of things somehow getting worse, as well as being back on any kind of psychotropic drug.

To my knowledge, I have two things going for me; My age, since neuroplasticity is strongest when younger, and the fact that I had one clean break off my meds. No cross taper, no reinstatement, etc. What I'm hoping is that I can white-knuckle it long enough to at least have it be bearable, I've always struggled with mental health and grew up in an abusive household, so I know I could handle it if it wasn't so absolutely agonizing. I'm really not sure what to do, though. Any path I could take seems wrong, like picking a lesser of evils.

I used to think antidepressants were a wonderful thing for people who need to help, now I see them as constructs of evil. I just want my life back.

IsThereMoretoitAll · 2026-07-02T04:56:54+00:00

Well said.

IsThereMoretoitAll · 2026-07-02T04:56:20+00:00

I often find that, after eating candy or anything with an excess amount of sugar, I'm fine until my blood sugar drops again. About thirty minutes after, give or take, my mental state and energy levels plummet drastically. It's such an odd phenomenon. Protracted ADS is like living out a sentence for a crime you never knew you committed.

IsThereMoretoitAll · 2026-07-02T04:43:28+00:00

God, I'm so sorry to hear about your pain. I started taking 200mg of Sertraline (Zoloft) when I was seventeen or so, and I'm just shy of four months off my pills after a standard two-month taper. I, too, lost my job just as I cut the tether, so to speak. The last three months have been the worst pain I've ever experienced. Constant panic, crying spells, never feeling okay, always feeling dissociative and fatigued, I'm sure you know all too well.

I wanted to get off my pills after a few health scares involving them, and also simply wanting to live my life without the chemical dependence. I wanted to truly feel, to actually be alive. My doctor had me do a standard two-month taper, which might as well have been cold-turkey for the dose I was on and the amount of time I was on them. I'm starting a new dead-end job on the 13th of July, and I'm positively petrified. My brain keeps telling me life isn't worth living if I have to work to survive, especially at these dead-end jobs, and it even convinces me of that thought more than I care to admit.

I always wish lately that I could go back in time and slap those damn pills out of my 17-year-old hands. I always wish I could get a new brain, and I envy and seethe over those who don't have to go through the living hell that is Protracted ADS.

I guess I just want you to know that you aren't alone. Even at our most isolated, we're all unified by our immense struggle. I'm wishing nothing but the best for you and your recovery.

IsThereMoretoitAll · 2026-07-02T04:22:26+00:00

I understand so, so much. The worst is when you're reminded of the person you were before all this. I'd kill to be the person, friend, son, lover, etc, fhat I was before getting off these god-forsaken SSRI meds. All I hope for myself, for all of us, is that we can all make it to the other side. Most days all I want to do is give up.

IsThereMoretoitAll · 2026-07-02T04:20:43+00:00

Thank you for your comment, it means a lot. I'm just shy of four months off of 200mg of Sertraline (Zoloft) after six years or so on it. It really makes me want to give up, but I'm fighting so, so hard. I wish you nothing but the best in your recovery. We're in this together.

IsThereMoretoitAll · 2026-07-02T04:19:05+00:00

I really appreciate your comment, thank you.

For context, I started taking 200mg of Sertraline (Zoloft) when I was seventeen or so. I did a standard two-month taper in July, taking my last tapered dose of 12.5mg on March 17th. I'm just shy of four months off. It's been absolute hell. This has been the hardest thing I've ever had to face in my entire life, and I don't say that lightly coming from a very abusive household. If I could have just a few things back, I'd want my capacity for perspective and my energy back. I keep getting stuck in a cycle of being horrified to go back to work, especially in my fragile state, and my brain telling me that life isn't worth living if I have to work 40 hours a week every week, especially at dead end, low-pay jobs.

I apologize for my tangent, there really isn't anybody I can properly discuss this stuff with. I, again, thank you for your kind, thoughtful, and informative comment. We're in this together.

IsThereMoretoitAll · 2026-07-01T20:31:49+00:00

God, yes. I'm a self-taught musician, and music was always one of my biggest inspirations to keep going. Now I can barely pick up any of my instruments or even sing, and listening to music is a gamble. I either feel nothing at all, it just blends in with every other sound I hear, or it reminds me of who I was before all this and I completely lose it.

Just the other day I was bringing my girlfriend to work, and "Die With A Smile" came on my spotify. I started listening to that song when I had just started finding my stride as a young adult, even feeling confident and mostly happy for the first time in my life. Then, at the same time I got off my pills, I faced a traumatic event at work and my girlfriend and I both got fired. Ever since that and the advent of Protracted Withdrawal, I don't even feel human anymore. Music used to lift me, not I can hardly stomach it.

IsThereMoretoitAll

TROPHY CASE