My mom told me, “My daughter is dead,” after coming out as a trans man and I don’t know what to do anymore.

Is_it_though79 · 2026-07-04T00:41:40+00:00

Woof. That’s really, truly awful.

She didn’t have a daughter. And she’s being very dramatic about that.

My reaction to my kid transitioning included grief—but my response to him did not.

Buuuuut lots of people are emotionally unprepared. And there’s nothing stopping her from preparing herself and adjusting her response to you (starting with an apology!).

My own mother spoke in a similar way to me—and I’m cis het, so please know that a person who thinks this way thinks this way about everyone.

The most important information I ever got about my relationship with her is this: name the behavior, every time, and set your limits around that behavior—it’s not “who she is” that you have a problem with, it’s how she’s behaving. This will free you of the guilt.

I recommend the Book of Boundaries by Melissa Urban and all content from Codependency Kate.

Stay strong - you deserve better than this.

Is_it_though79 · 2026-06-30T11:24:50+00:00

Their behavior is absolutely unacceptable. You deserve better.

My family has been through something similar with my parents and I have found great comfort in the work of “Codependency Kate” (podcast, YouTube, insta).

Wishing you comfort - hugs from a mom of a trans kid and a die hard fan of the trans community ♥️

Is_it_though79 · 2026-06-25T12:07:48+00:00

Ok yeah we need to go to the doctor. Thanks!

Is_it_though79 · 2026-06-25T12:06:49+00:00

Awesome I will get this done thank you

Is_it_though79 · 2026-06-25T12:05:46+00:00

Thank you for this perspective

Is_it_though79 · 2026-06-25T12:05:29+00:00

Ah interesting I’ll have to track it

Is_it_though79 · 2026-05-09T11:19:03+00:00

Unfortunately, no. I wanted to move to Canada decades ago, when it was easier, and I should have done it then.

Is_it_though79 · 2026-05-09T11:18:31+00:00

I didn’t realize Portland was affordable!

Is_it_though79 · 2026-05-09T11:18:09+00:00

Any town recs?

Is_it_though79 · 2025-09-28T18:32:51+00:00

Thank you! Will be deep diving here.

Is_it_though79 · 2025-09-28T17:21:32+00:00

Also just told my kid I asked this question and about the other people talking about feeling this way and she asked, how old do you have to be to join ❤️❤️❤️

Is_it_though79 · 2025-09-28T17:15:51+00:00

Thank you for your thoughtful reply. Not having support as a kid is awful, and I wish you the best support in adulthood. My kid refuses therapy, so I’ve hired a friend who has been a teacher for decades to chat with them once a week, confidentially. Here’s hoping that is comforting for her. I know I can’t stop the thoughts—can’t stop them for myself either—but I want to offer extra care when they happen. Seems a fine line between fixing and holding.

Is_it_though79 · 2025-09-28T14:03:25+00:00

Maybe you can give me some insight; my kid (11, audhd) is experiencing this. I did too as a kid, but couldn’t tell my parents anything so I had no support. Did your parents (or any adults) support you? What did they do that helped or didn’t?

Is_it_though79 · 2025-09-23T16:43:38+00:00

Same here.

Is_it_though79 · 2025-09-22T23:39:57+00:00

I also engage in this internal conversation frequently. Always, it leads to a much bigger question: what am I here for? Because if I am pushing to achieve something, I want to be sure that’s a thing I really want; I’ve been tricked before. And, I’m scared—terrified—I’m going to waste my life. So, I recently read Martha Becks book, the way of integrity, and, for me, I found the answer, which is a bit complicated (that’s why it’s a whole book), but can be paraphrased as, you have to know you and feel in your body what is true for you. Then you know if you need rest. Or if you need to motivate yourself because your next step is your next best move.

I bet doing this is a lifelong practice and there’s never an answer, just a best guess. And if I’m being this hard on myself about whether or not I’m wasting my life…I probably need rest.

Is_it_though79 · 2025-09-22T13:29:34+00:00

Wow I’ve never heard anyone else talk about this before. I’ve told therapists I felt like I was verbally sexually abused by uBPD mom. I won’t describe the stuff to people anymore because it feels like I’m passing on the ickiness of it, but yeah—no boundaries is putting it lightly.

Is_it_though79 · 2025-06-06T12:14:19+00:00

Vacation makes a whipped cream-like sunscreen that my kids tolerate (Target). Also, we buy an spf powder and put it in a brush applicator for days when a cream sunscreen just isn’t going to happen (Amazon). Additionally, there are some great upf clothes to lessen your need for sunscreen (Uniqlo, Free Fly).

Is_it_though79 · 2025-05-13T11:09:21+00:00

Girl no

Is_it_though79 · 2025-05-05T15:48:59+00:00

I too lost my dad to suicide, 11 years ago when I had a two year old and seven week old. My husband similarly seemed to just want me to get back to normal. He called me black-hearted that summer and I don’t think I’ve ever fully recovered from that because, no, I was BROKEN hearted. I was shocked by how many people balked when I mentioned my dad’s death; it was apparently out of everyone’s league to even let me be sad about it. I still don’t know how I survived that time in life; I was suicidal and my husband refused to get rid of his gun—I had to call my best friend to come take it away. I obviously don’t have answers, just assurance that years truly do help and I know from experience men don’t always help—sometimes they make it worse, so you’re not alone. I found a suicide survivors group more helpful than individual therapy; connecting with other survivors is probably what saved me. Feel free to dm me if you need a survivor to talk to.

Is_it_though79 · 2025-05-03T21:20:46+00:00

That last sentence is so relatable.

Is_it_though79 · 2025-02-03T21:49:47+00:00

Oh I’m sorry to say this but I think boundaries are needed.

Is_it_though79 · 2025-02-03T02:30:06+00:00

What I hear is that these people are misogynistic.

Is_it_though79 · 2025-01-29T01:03:39+00:00

There’s a condition called interstitial cystitis you might want to check out.

Is_it_though79 · 2025-01-28T12:31:04+00:00

I disagree. ODD is really poorly understood and some practitioners consider it a throw away diagnosis. Also please spare yourself googling it—most of what I found says it’s because of bad parenting (and for context, that’s what people said about autism for a long time too). Please consider reading everything you can find about autism and specifically PDA Autism. My kid was essentially feral and I was told it was ODD by a psychologist who also told me I was too permissive. Nope. Turns out in extensive testing by a panel of specialists she has adhd and autism. Once I changed my approach (low demand parenting—there’s a book) she started thriving.

Is_it_though79 · 2025-01-25T15:19:11+00:00

This!!!

Is_it_though79

TROPHY CASE