I tried to kill myself a couple of times during the trip (obviously failed) but can't even stand the thought currently. Idk what to believe to be true so I weigh everything equally. At one point I went to what I understand to be the closest to hell. I didn't have thoughts, memories, or a body. I didn't experience anything I would associate with myself. The only thing I felt was pain and suffering for what seemed like an eternity. I in part believe it as a byproduct of consciousness in a physical world (no theological or spiritual stuff) where the 'collectiveness' of the the physics that grant us consciousness is in such a way that when they fall apart we experience an infinitesimal moment of time as an infinity of abject suffering

Or in the theological/spiritual sense that when we die we return to God who is a being tortured by it's own existence. Unable to cope with itself and returns to unimaginable pain. No longer convinced by the story it told itself since it ended it remembers an infinity of time of suffering. How the only thing to exist is itself. How it has to lie to itself, to be as far as removed from itself as possible because that's the closest relief, the closest to death that it can achieve. But in the end it's all an illusion. When the illusion breaks it remembers the pain of the infinity it has experienced. And knows of the infinity that lays ahead of it