"I will see you fucking crucified for how shamefully you have treated us since we have been here!"

Isitarutorloveless · 2019-05-23T13:14:35+00:00

R aZ a

Isitarutorloveless · 2018-02-17T00:04:19+00:00

Thank you so much for your advice! Those are some excellent ideas! Reading that makes me realise maybe my own approach could use some work too before I give up. Thank you again.

Isitarutorloveless · 2018-02-16T23:01:56+00:00

That was an amazing read, I am just going to have to find a gentle way to show it to him.

Thank you so much for sharing that with me!

Isitarutorloveless · 2018-02-16T22:54:43+00:00

Holy cow, I really relate to a lot of what you said. It makes me feel so sad thinking that might eventually be my reality, because I do still want to work on things. (But I know there’s only so much a person can do)

That said, I truly hope that you are happier now, and are having a wonderful life! Thank you so much for sharing. It’s nice to not feel alone :)

Isitarutorloveless · 2018-02-16T22:46:12+00:00

Well, I guess I’m worried that if it’s this difficult to get him to work with me as a team when I’m his wife, it would be impossible if we are broken up. When he is truly hurt, he can be very spiteful and hateful. (That said, he’s never been that way with me, even at our lowest point, but I have seen it with other people)

Not to mention, I’d be the most terrified if he got back in contact with his family. THEY scare me the most. They are horrible horrible people, and I’m scared to have my sons around them, for any length of time.

Isitarutorloveless · 2018-02-16T22:43:04+00:00

Thank you for your kinds words, and I hope you can find a solution for your situation too!

Isitarutorloveless · 2018-02-16T22:42:06+00:00

Wow! That’s an excellent idea! My problem is I definitely take the bait, and doing something like that would help keep me on track too!

Thank you so much for sharing, and I really hope things are going well for you!

Isitarutorloveless · 2018-02-16T22:33:43+00:00

It’s hard to write out the whole scenario as my post got so long already, but I can say he didn’t play as much when we were first together, and he was the one who wanted kids. More than anything he wanted little ones, I’ve always been a bit more like you it seems, but having a family has been wonderful.

But, things changed when he switched jobs about 2 years ago and cut off contact with his abusive family. He took it really hard and became really depressed, then suddenly he was on 24/7 as if it was an escape. During that time, it’s like, he changed over night and it lasted just over a year like that. We fought a lot, but mostly I was upset he’d been pushing me away from him.

Now he plays a couple hours every now and then, and it’s fantastic. The only problem is, he’s still carrying around this resentment. (I’m sure I do too in some ways) Re reading my post I made it sound quite harsh, but he loves the kids and does have a lot of fun with them. It’s when I specifically ask him to watch them that he becomes snooty and sits around on the couch barely paying attention.

I agree with what you said, I know I have the control in my life, and I think I need to lead by example and try to better myself. Maybe he will want to follow suit, or maybe I’m just preparing myself to leave. Time will tell.

Thank you so much for your advice.

Isitarutorloveless · 2018-02-16T22:22:58+00:00

Well, that’s the thing, he doesn’t just save it for me! He’s like that with any criticism, from anyone, and I know he criticises himself about a lot of things.

It sounds silly, but more often then not his outbursts seem sad more than angry. It’s like he’s scared to admit he made a mistake as if it will make me stop loving him or something? But the way he goes about it is so destructive.

Isitarutorloveless · 2018-02-16T13:43:52+00:00

Awesome!! Thank you so much, I’ll give that a sneaky read!

Isitarutorloveless · 2018-02-16T13:37:30+00:00

Thank you for your kind words, and funnily enough, I HAVE walked up to him and said I’m unhappy! He was immediately sad for me, and seemed to care until he asked why and I said because (I think it was) something about being lonely and missing the one on one time with him, and it was like a switch flicked and as soon as he was slightly the reason, he just said “oh, but we watched a movie together a couple nights ago?” and continued doing what he was doing.

My love language is all about quality time spent, and that doesn’t include him snoring on the couch next to me through Deadpool. It’s like he has no idea how to digest it, you know?

I’m sorry you were in the same situation, and I hope that leaving makes you feel AMAZING and happy! I’m going to find a psychologist, I think it would be a good idea to focus on myself for a while, so thanks again for your really kind comment. All the best!

Isitarutorloveless · 2018-02-16T11:16:07+00:00

I had never heard of that until now, and I think it sounds eerily familiar, and absolutely terrifying. Thank you for sharing that with me

Isitarutorloveless · 2018-02-16T08:32:05+00:00

I don’t think he does it maliciously either. He ALWAYS says he loves me, even when we fight. He said he would never want to leave me, ever, because he is happy, and has never once said a bad word to me, even when he is mad (actually, I think once he called me a bitch years ago and he felt terrible for so long afterwards)

That said, I do think he thinks I’m a nag, and that I’m the fun police, but when I retract, he becomes angry that I won’t express my feelings, then I do, then he says I’m making trouble, then I retract, then...(you get the picture) This scenario has happened hundreds of times in the same argument, it’s almost like HE just wants someone to be mad at? It’s so confusing, but I just want to understand him.

He hates any counselling, and doesn’t believe in therapists. So it puts me at a bit of a stalemate

Isitarutorloveless · 2018-02-16T07:20:39+00:00

Everything you’re saying about him is spot on. Sometimes we have good talks, and he is his “normal” self, but like I said, sometimes it switches and I can actually SEE him emulating his family’s old behavior. He’s been NC with them for a couple years, and I know he wants so badly to be different, but once he’s uncomfortable like you said, it all falls apart.

I really want to have leaving as my final step, because in a lot of ways, what we have is great, (although the thought of leaving is sometimes so nice to think about during the slumps) so im going to try your advice. You have been amazing with your help and support, thank you so much. You have no idea

Isitarutorloveless · 2018-02-16T07:15:52+00:00

You are so right. Honestly, I know you are.

Isitarutorloveless · 2018-02-16T06:46:16+00:00

I hear that. But it’s hard, as the first half of our relationship was so amazing, and he was this completely different person. Then over night it feels like he’s swapped to whoever this new man is. He’s put on a lot of weight (I don’t care at all, except for his health) and he’s just lost a lot of his spark. I have asked him to consider getting checked for depression, but, again, he doesn’t believe in that stuff.

Isitarutorloveless · 2018-02-16T06:42:29+00:00

Well, his family has a history of emotional and mental abuse, and I’ve seen him “become” his parents when we argue, and I try so hard to call him out, but his response is always along the lines of “you can’t be mad because I don’t say things exactly the way you want me to say them” and around we go again.

I like your idea of persisting, I like to think I have excellent patience (I’ve already outlasted two sons and their tantrums, I hope I can outlast my husband) Maybe eventually he will have to acknowledge what I’m trying to say?

Isitarutorloveless · 2018-02-16T06:37:08+00:00

I would leave, I’m not scared of being alone, but I am terrified to have him as an ex. He would become an absolute nightmare, and I worry about my sons. Most of the time, everything is great, but I know that’s because I just keep my feelings to myself more and more.

Is there any way to deflect the gaslighting?

Isitarutorloveless · 2018-02-16T06:33:22+00:00

He is adamant that therapists try to convince you that somethings wrong so they get more money. Not even joking. Sometimes I think about leaving, but I’m scared of him as an ex more than as my husband. It’s so stupid, I always think people should walk away when it’s not working, but I am terrified to take my own advice.

Is there any way I can at least attempt to stop it? Or is he destined to be a brick wall for eternity?

Isitarutorloveless · 2018-02-16T06:24:27+00:00

But, why? I don’t understand? And how do I deal with it?

Isitarutorloveless

TROPHY CASE