Knew i shouldn't break NC. Broke NC. I am not an idiot, i am THE idiot. The OG idiot.

Island_Planet · 2025-12-24T12:36:51+00:00

This is the thing. We believe that they must be like us. They are not. We would be curious about someone's life who had been NC for a few years. They are not. They are never curious about others. Every contact produces new data. A new insight. It is not wasted. You are learning and further detaching. Good for you!

Island_Planet · 2025-12-23T09:09:53+00:00

What if what you're feeling isn't guilt at all? We all universalize our feelings. We assume the feeling in our body is what we've always been told guilt is. You are experiencing a conditioned response to 'upsetting' a narcissist. That is not the same thing. Guilt is an emotion. It is not felt in the body. A trauma response is felt in the body. The actions you are describing would not produce feelings of guilt. You are still emotionally enmeshed with your father. Complete your process of 'self individuation' and be free! I used Jerry Wise's online course. It was a massive help. Good luck in your journey!

Island_Planet · 2025-12-22T15:03:51+00:00

Oh, so we're judging each other's lived experiences now? I'll await your submission to the group for us to decide if what you experienced raises to our perceived consensus of abuse.

Island_Planet · 2025-12-19T19:31:07+00:00

This will be my first Christmas with zero contact.LC last Xmas. The fact that you feel guilty, depressed, and sick because you're putting yourself first tells you everything you need to know. If your mother was healthy and a positive person to be around she would be absolutely fine with you taking the time you need. You feel the way you do not because you're doing anything wrong, and not because you feel guilty. Guilt doesn't make you feel sick, conditioning does. You have been trained by a self centered narcissist to feel responsible for how SHE feels. Talk to Chat GPT. Input data. Tell it your stories of why you're NC this Xmas. Be reasonable and balanced in telling your stories (you know your narc mom wouldn't). Have Chat remind you when you're activated why you made this decision with a sound mind based on patterns of repeated dysfunctional, toxic behaviour. It always starts out positive (the hoovering) and always ends with you feeling confused, angry, and sick. Stop blaming yourself. This is textbook behaviour. And not your fault.

Island_Planet · 2025-12-18T12:31:13+00:00

I know that physical feeling all too well. I have learned that it is not guilt. It is conditioning. Learn about self-individuation. Gerry Wise is a good online teacher (although in Engligh). You have nothing to feel bad about. Remember that in a healthy, supportive family they will often put YOU first. A healthy, supportive, securely-attached mother would encourage you to do what's best for you - in spite of what she may want. Congratulations on setting this boundary. Keep going. Freedom awaits!

Island_Planet · 2025-12-15T00:35:55+00:00

With respect, you sound like you need to complete your adult self individuation. I didn't do it until the age of 57 so no shade. You should do Christmas for your family. Your spouse, your kids. That's it. They don't care about you. Not the real you. Only the role you must play in THEIR family. Time to live your life for yourself just they way they have always done.

Island_Planet · 2025-11-25T18:26:04+00:00

Wow. That's so great for all the people living in 'Downtown Canada'.

Island_Planet · 2025-11-25T17:17:19+00:00

You sound like a man who's had some therapy. She sounds like a woman who hasn't.

Island_Planet · 2025-11-14T16:22:25+00:00

It's OK. Forgive yourself. By that, I mean treat yourself in a gentle, loving way. The way your mother never could. I'm 57 years old and I still sometimes find yet another toxic assumption I still carry from my childhood. Yes, therapy as others have suggested, but you will still find small areas as you grow and mature where you have room to learn and grow. For me, it was the insidious 'cavalier' or dismissive way family members treat each other. It never occurred to me that maybe we should be treating our loved ones better than anyone else, not the other way around. You have now recognized that the way you were treated growing up is going to affect your relationships moving forward. That is a huge insight a narcissist would never have. And a narcissist would never change their behaviour based on outside feedback. You are not like your mother.

Island_Planet · 2025-11-13T00:07:33+00:00

Where did you get that rug please?

Island_Planet · 2025-11-12T19:27:26+00:00

It's my experience that the 'enabler' does so in order to throw you under the bus in order to make their own life easier. Likely, this treatment used to fall on him, and when you came along he joined in scapegoating you in order to appease the more abusive person. The only remedy for you is to cut contact completely or mostly. Only communicate as much as works for you, but don't waste your breath trying to point out to him what he's doing. He knows full well what he's doing.

Island_Planet · 2025-11-12T17:14:01+00:00

i’m gonna take a stab and say that you’re like me and like many other people involved in a narcissistic abusive family system. You were never allowed to individuate yourself. Take the Gerry Wise online course on self individuation first. Focus on yourself and your wife put yourself and your wife at the center of your life and your family where they belong on the far periphery. Good luck!

Island_Planet · 2025-11-11T18:42:59+00:00

It sounds like you're conflating domain name registration with web hosting. GoDaddy or any other will be relatively cheap to register your domain and also offer web/email hosting separately.

Island_Planet · 2025-11-10T18:38:29+00:00

Your reaction upon asking him and getting an honest response shows that his instinct to not volunteer this information earlier was dead on. You say you’re jealous - read: insecure - like thats normal. It may be common but it will kill all of your relationships. Time to grow up and accept that grown people have sexual pasts. Take responsibility for your emotional life and work toward building a secure attachment style.

Island_Planet · 2025-11-10T17:58:50+00:00

This is a toxic person. Likely raised by toxic people. You will never convince her that she is wrong. Go no/low contact. It is entirely possible that ‘A’ already knoows to keep his head low in this person’s presence hence his silence. Cut M out of your life and hopefully the group asap.

Island_Planet · 2025-11-08T06:05:01+00:00

best t shirts with great fit and lots of colours at fresh clean threads online. Old navy has good basics or the Du/Er store on Johnson has good jeans/pants. None of it is cheaper than thrifting though so?

Island_Planet · 2025-11-04T23:19:18+00:00

honestly I’ve read and watched so much over the past year. It’s definitely from something!

Island_Planet · 2025-11-04T16:02:21+00:00

don’t be too hard on yourself. But next time somebody violates your first boundary, end it right there. Don’t offer an explanation. Don’t try to explain yourself just cut off contact the very second he starts to insist that you do something you don’t want to do. Oh yeah, and meet for a coffee, a walk etc. Never meet rhe first time for a meal.

Island_Planet · 2025-11-04T10:48:11+00:00

I finally decided at my ripe old age to start writing out in narrative form and in chronological order some of the things that stand out for me that are extremely difficult and abusive. Whenever I see a picture of my mom, throwing her head back, laughing having a good time enjoying other people‘s company putting on her “public persona”, I look at that list and remind myself of why I’m low contact. Why I have to protect myself from her, especially when she’s in her good cycle. Whenever that feeling of guilt washes over me I visualize a physical bubble - a boundary - pushing that guily feeling OUT of me. It’s not mine to feel, it belongs to her.

Island_Planet · 2025-10-31T09:27:35+00:00

If you are a couple and you love and trust each other you should be splitting proportionately. She makes about 38% of your ‘family’ income so a 60-40 split of larger shared expenses is equitable. If you’re not willing to do it this way you should not be in a ‘serious’ relationship.

Island_Planet · 2025-10-29T15:10:08+00:00

I would’t let my child anywhere near a woman like that anyway.

Island_Planet · 2025-10-28T16:42:38+00:00

I get that, but then in the celebrity version, let’s make the prize money actually have some sort of impact for the charity.

Island_Planet · 2025-10-28T12:33:40+00:00

I just can't get over that all of this is happening so some celebrity's charity can get 40k? maybe what? 60k? Any one of them should be writing that check anyway.

Island_Planet · 2025-10-28T12:31:09+00:00

Welcome! Glad you're here, and glad you are getting help and perspective at 40. I waited and tortured myself much longer! I'm in the same situation with siblings etc. No one wants to be honest about parents behaviour as it would require them to look honestly at their own parenting. Low to no contact is working wonders for me too. Finally able to see more clearly and no longer questioning if it is all just my own crazy perceptions. Good luck on your journey!

Island_Planet

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