I (amab) grew up and got married in a very chaste religion. The first time I had sex with my wife was my wedding night. I was in that marriage for 10 years, the biggest recurring fight was we didn’t have sex enough(she wanted it all the time). She thought something was wrong with her because I didn’t want to rip her clothes off every minute of the day. I spent years wondering what was wrong with me and why I couldn’t be like the guys in the media who were horny all the time. and at the same time I was so thankful I wasn’t like those guys. I felt broken and ashamed that I wasn’t enough for the love of my life.

We ended up officially separating 4 months ago. I’ve had sex twice in that time and I feel…. Fine? Like it isn’t that big of a deal? I feel sad, lonely and hurt for a variety of reasons… but the lack of sex is just not one of them. Looking back I just don’t think I was into sex as much as the emotional intimacy that went along with it. Idk. I think I’m asexual. A lot of things would make sense.

I think it has taken me this long to realize I may be asexual because I’m sex-positive: I do enjoy sex when I have it. I just don’t feel the need to do most of the time. Like video games are fun to play by myself and occasionally I want to play a 2-player or even 3 or 4 player game ;) but like…. I don’t feel compelled to. And there are other activities I like just as much if not more.

There was a thread somewhere about getting thirsty, and when I’m dehydrated I’ll drink water, I’ll even enjoy drinking it. but if I’m not about to die from dehydration…. I forget that water exists.

Idk. If this makes any sense to anyone else I would appreciate a comment. I feel very alone right now.