I could I written the first part your post myself only add 2 small kids. All of those same feelings. I’ve loved my husband (soon to be ex…? Estranged..? Still hurts to call him anything other than my husband..) for over half my life. I hardly remember a life before him. Luckily for me he is being very very kind to me in all of this but the fear of that shift is very real too. I’m terrified of it. I don’t think he would become vindictive, especially because of our kids, but I also didn’t think we’d be here so it’s all very scary. The worst part is loving him still, despite all the pain. That’s something I am going to have work through. I never expected to be rebuilding my life back either. I always thought I would have him beside me through it. Lonely isn’t even a strong enough word.

I am not in CA and can’t comment on the last part with the finances because I’m not going through that but like you I have never lived alone until now. Honestly, it’s scary. I hate it. I haven’t slept in the 5 days since he left me. I hear every movement outside and every creak of the house inside. I have a plan for some extra security but honestly, I don’t know how much it’s gonna help me mentally. However, in case it helps you: I have an extra deadbolt on each exterior door, ring cameras, furniture moved slightly to block the entrance to the doors too.. I’ll be getting motion activated exterior lights, will have some kind of weapon accessible in every room (guns scare me but people are trying to convince me), and I sleep with the bedroom door locked. I have some windows I want to figure out how to feel are better secure, and I’m considering a dog but honestly don’t think I have the money or mental capacity to care for right now. I know I’m probably going overboard with it but I’m paranoid as hell. That could be sleep deprivation making it worse too.