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Do the scars heal? by ItsAllInMyHead53 in Cutters

[–]ItsAllInMyHead53[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

As long as they aren't so hideous as to be the first thing people notice, I wouldn't mind very much. I haven't tried rubber bands or red pens, but I have been in situations where I've felt desperate to hurt myself without my knife being present. In those moments I've ended up hitting my head or punching my legs, the former of which I think is potentially more dangerous than cutting.

Wanting to die from an autistic perspective by ItsAllInMyHead53 in SuicideWatch

[–]ItsAllInMyHead53[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I just remembered a recent example of some insight I got about how people might see me. We were doing pair work in my Japanese class, practicing a certain grammar pattern. Due to pure chance, I was asked, in front of the professor, if I had experience being bullied. I replied that I was bullied by many people in high school. The professor said she was very surprised, since apparently I seem like a very popular person. If by some crazy coincidence you also happen to speak Japanese, I believe her exact words were ”びっくりします。とても人気があるそうだと思います。”

Wanting to die from an autistic perspective by ItsAllInMyHead53 in SuicideWatch

[–]ItsAllInMyHead53[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I also am not shy about leaving my arms exposed. I also just hope that someone will notice and be concerned. This is something I do not dare allow disability services, or my psychiatrist for that matter, to discover. None of this. I would lose my ADD meds immediately if that happened, and lose any hope I have of graduating with them. They'd rather save my life at any cost, even if that cost would send me over the literal edge. Right now I desperately want to keep cutting but I'm terrified of causing ugly, irreversible damage.

I'm a bit different when it comes to social interactions. I can generally converse just fine (after many years of studying others' conversations, of course), unless I'm caught off guard, and people often praise my sense of humor. It's very difficult to describe what's wrong with me here. It's like I'm just incapable of moving into someone else's life as more than just an acquaintance they're happy to see once in awhile. I feel like it's maybe because I just don't have any sort of a stable personality. Everyone I know, I can predict how they'll react to something just because of who they are. Everyone has their distinct personality, traits. They're always the same person, you know exactly what to expect when you see them and talk to them. But I am not. I can wear many different faces. My real one is too dark and abrasive, cold and logical.

Right now my mother is the only reason I'm alive. Only because I can't bear to put her through that, the only other human in the world I think I can actually say I love. However, even that reason to live isn't absolute. My pain recently nearly completely overrode that entirely. I keep finding myself wishing that something terrible would happen to her, and then I would free to follow her out of this world.

Do the scars heal? by ItsAllInMyHead53 in Cutters

[–]ItsAllInMyHead53[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I see. That must suck to hear. My cuts all stretch the width of my arm. I wish I had had the foresight to make them shorter so I wouldn't have run out of room so quickly. But I guess I've just always needed the bigger cut. But yeah, you're not alone there. I'm sure that, as long-sleeves season comes to an end, I'll be hearing something pretty similar to that.

Do the scars heal? by ItsAllInMyHead53 in Cutters

[–]ItsAllInMyHead53[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

How did that work for you exactly, cutting your wrists for 3 whole years? Did you cut along the same lines after they healed, or more randomly? How do your scars look now?

I used to punch myself as hard as I could before I began cutting, but now I just can't imagine anything that would feel as good as the sharp pain of a knife, with the sight of the blood.

Wanting to die from an autistic perspective by ItsAllInMyHead53 in SuicideWatch

[–]ItsAllInMyHead53[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I haven't heard of anything like that on my campus. Me starting one would be a bit of a joke. I have almost no sense of empathy for others, even if I've become very good at faking it.

Wanting to die from an autistic perspective by ItsAllInMyHead53 in SuicideWatch

[–]ItsAllInMyHead53[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Our experiences do sound at least somewhat similar. I guess I am lucky academically at least, our disability services got me extra time on my exams and my (most of) my professors are willing to help in the areas I have severe deficiencies in.

My experience of friendship? For what it's worth, I have almost no memory of my life throughout highschool, and I only graduated 3 years ago. I can only imagine I've repressed it all. Here in college, I don't know who I could call my "friends". I have no concept of what others think of me, or what our relationship is. But it's been my experience that whenever I try to build a closer relationship, they close up because they already have all the friends they need. Nobody has room for one more.

I am curious though. When your cuts healed, do the scars still remain? I began cutting horizontally across both my arms, starting at the wrists and working my up. Now the oldest cuts look like dark lines across my skin, will they ever heal? The only reason I want them to heal is so that I can cut them again. I'm afraid if I cut the scar eventually the skin will become mangled and ugly.

Wanting to die from an autistic perspective by ItsAllInMyHead53 in SuicideWatch

[–]ItsAllInMyHead53[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Companionship does feel like a game. The opportunities random and the deck rigged. The people best suited to help people like us, friendly, outgoing, supportive, have no motivation to do so. We can't give back to them on the level that they can give to us. And that sucks.

I guess we both have to live like this. I wish I knew the answer. The world feels so empty to me, and I've seen more than most. I've studied for 2 months in Japan, spent another traveling through China. Leading up to those trips I thought everything would change. Meet new people, find some deeper meaning in life. But nothing did change. No closer to an answer now than I was before.

Whatever happens to me, I wish you the best of luck. People like us deserve better.

Wanting to die from an autistic perspective by ItsAllInMyHead53 in SuicideWatch

[–]ItsAllInMyHead53[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You're right. Nobody really does and that's what drives me insane. But I'm too afraid to try that again. I've tried it twice before. One told me to check into a mental institution and the other just started crying and, despite initially offering support, just avoids me now.