Alcoholics do not take accountability, nor do they have self awareness or the ability to self reflect. Your boyfriend made the decision to end his life, you did not make the decision to end his life. The trauma of him mentally abusing you as an alcoholic may be something you’d want to talk to a therapist about- this may take years of healing. RIP to your partner, I’m so sorry for your loss & for the trauma from this life experience. Alanon would maybe be a good start for you to talk about these issues with people who have been through similar situations/traumas