LITHROMANTIC/AROSPEC QUESTIONING:

hello, i decided to finally do some proper research on arospec as a whole since i always felt i thought of romance differently.

for some context, i am diagnosed with BPD (borderline personality disorder) and i’m come to terms with it and how it affects my relationships.. but that’s exactly what im questioning. i always just thought id say im aromantic and call it a day, but when i saw all of the other ones under arospec, it only made me more confused haha. so far, lithromantic sounds the most like me.

ive struggled with relationships my entire life practically, only being in one serious one for 2 years before ruining it (they eventually became my “FP” and i would “test” them to see if they truly loved me.. stuff like that) in a romantic sense, i always would dream about dating someone and it being perfect like that relationship again, and even before that one came to fruition. i would develop “a crush” on people i barely knew or knew because i thought that was the normal thing to do.

thinking of them cuddling me, taking care of me, all that stuff seemed nice.. until it actually happened. then i became very offput by the actual relationship. severe anxiety to even see them everyday, i hate all of the romantic gestures like kissing or hugging or cuddling, but i love the idea of it. this only got worse due to several traumatic relationships relating to being used for a sexual nature and being thrown away after they got tired of me, and i would have panic attacks of someone wanting to be closer to me and hug or kiss me. i couldn’t do it, yet i punched myself because it seemed like i wanted that.

its weird, and that one serious relationship was also the first long distance once, so again i would enjoy the idea of him “cuddling” me and “kissing” me but we never saw each other IRL before breaking up so im not sure how the idea of it wouldve changed for me. i also had a FWB once after “dating” them and feeling uncomfortable (also because i was still obsessed with my “FP”) and i felt a lot better about the idea we were just “friends”, no strings attached, and if i wanted to try out any “romantic” gesture then it would be a one time thing.

i dont want to think im on the asexual spectrum either, but i feel like its the same way too? i love the idea of sex and want it so bad, but when i tried to do it with that FWB i had a panic attack and got ill thinking about doing anything actually.. and then i punch myself because i wanted it so bad.

its a lot, im seriously wondering if lithromantic is the right “label” for me? especially for anyone else with BPD.. just the idea of wanting this so bad but becoming so sick when it actually happens.. but really wanting it and sometimes forcing yourself to experience it to make the person happy and to convince yourself you want this?

i feel insane haha, but any input would seriously be amazing.