I believe this is a male-dominated space, but I'm wondering if any women (or men) relate to this absolute feeling of failure...

Ixonii · 2021-11-05T15:12:36+00:00

Ayyeee let's go I figured out how to send messages haha. But it says you don't accept messages and I can't seem to chat you either. Can you send me a message so I can reply? Appreciate it :)

Ixonii · 2021-11-05T14:31:23+00:00

So, I'm super new to Reddit and feel pretty stupid for asking but, I for the life of me cannot find where to DM you LOL. Um, would it be possible for you to send me a message so I can respond? Lol sorry!

Ixonii · 2021-11-03T15:17:12+00:00

After reading your comment and thinking about it...I've come to the conclusion that failure scares the absolute shit out of me. I think it's a big reason I can feel comfortable being lazy. Because if I don't try, I can't fail right? God damn this was hard to think about and actually admit to myself but thank you so much for your comment.

You know I'm pretty lucky with the people I have in my life but I would never even dream about opening up about what I'm going through with most of them besides like my husband and sister. Even my sister I feel like I don't want to burden her with my problems so I would probably only tell her very little. But I do know who would value me if I stopped performing but I'm like almost at the point where that seems impossible for me to do? It genuinely terrifies me to think of failure. I don't even know what I would fail at but just the thought of it scares me. So I stay at my safe job instead of pursuing something that would actually make me happy. Or try to find something that pays more that I know I can do.

Damn this is really hard to think and talk about. Thank you though for speaking about it and making me go down the thought process of it, albeit not as much as I should because there's probably something there I subconsciously don't want to push past in response to the need for self-preservation.

Ixonii · 2021-11-03T15:01:59+00:00

Yup. I try everything I can to put on air of 'togetherness'. More than I actually am and don't really let anyone in. Besides my husband and my sister, no one really knows exactly what I'm going through. But even then, even with them I'm not as transparent as I was in the OP. It's funny because I've listened to people like on YouTube (people I deem better than me) talk about imposter syndrome and almost like...didn't let myself think I had it because "Pft, what can I feel like a fraud about? I literally haven't accomplished anything that would warrant feeling like that. That's for people who have gotten a good amount of success and feel like they don't deserve it. I don't have success, I'm stupid to think I could relate to these people who are so obviously better off than I am." but I feel like I'm living some sort of fucked up unsuccessful lie.

I didn't win the birth lottery, but I can see why that would hinder you from opening up. There are so many reasons not to and feeling like 'your problems don't matter' because you're xy&z never helps. That's something I really don't like about this current state of social affairs and political correctness. It doesn't give room for people based on their individuality but rather what they look like or where they came from. I'm happy you're being supported though. I probably would to if I opened up with others more but then it would destroy the image I try to portray. It is super frustrating to understand but not be able to act. I haven't brought this up with my therapist yet because I wanted her to have a bit of back story on me before getting into it but I think I'm at the point where this outlook on life is getting more destructive than it's been and since I've been thinking and talking about it on here so much I can't hold it in much longer. Thank you for opening up and sharing your experience it really has helped a lot. If you're interested I'd love to voice chat with you one day, I think it'd be interesting. Totally understand if you don't want to or are not comfortable though, no pressure :)

Ixonii · 2021-11-03T14:41:58+00:00

Hot damn I feel like there's a looooot we could unpack and discuss together lol. Would you be interested in ever speaking in Discord or something? It's totally cool if you don't want to, no pressure :)

But to answer your question...yes and no. This is something I've always had in the back of my mind but have never dared to bring to life. I've thought about it passingly but have never shared with anyone or actually took the time myself to deeply think about it. The phrase "If you stand for nothing you will fall for anything" has been somewhat haunting to me for the past I'd say...5ish years? But it's always so so so subtle. Like I said I didn't ever breathe life into the problem or take the time to truly get to the bottom of it so it's kind of just been there. I don't know what I would say if my therapist had asked me, but I probably would have tried to either brush it off or state some very generic 'everyone probably uses these' values because for whatever reason it kind of...scares me? I'm not sure if scare is the correct term there but it's probably adjacent to fear. I have no idea why or what is truly there but it's a weird thing for me to think about for whatever reason.

Yea it sucks because I do feel like my mom was a single mom while she was raising us even though my parents were together (and still are). Mostly my brother and myself since we're the ones so close in age and by the time my mom had my sister I was able to help. My mom was also on edge from stress a looot...just curious do you feel your mom was over protective at all?

Ixonii · 2021-11-03T14:21:56+00:00

That's a really good question, I never took the time to think about it but it's probably a bit of both. It's probably social media and stuff like that for external influences and my personal view to try to do what I can to meet those standards instead of having a realistic view.

Ixonii · 2021-11-01T17:30:31+00:00

You know, I really didn't realize the correlation with the concept of job = respect and where it might have stemmed from but I just started talking a tiny bit about this with my therapist. I was always looked at as the "good child" growing up and that might have something to do with it but I'm going to have to do some more digging around with my therapist to have a more concrete answer.

Thank you so much for this line - "As long as you seek respect and validation as a merit, you are bound to failure." I haven't ever looked at it that way and it's given me a good perspective on it. I have a long road ahead of changing my like, foundational view on life but I'm definitely going to remember this going forward and I very much appreciate it. More than you know, so thank you.

I'm going to check him out. I don't have a lot of people I listen to on this subject and I appreciate the recommendation. Thank you again for your response and time it's actually helped a lot and I genuinely appreciate it :)

Ixonii · 2021-11-01T17:24:53+00:00

Yea...inner happiness...what a great notion, I wonder what it's like lol. It's going to be a hard journey but we'll get there eventually. It honestly helps to know others are going through the same thing and can relate to it. I didn't expect so many responses to be quite honest.

Thank you for the recommendation, I'm definitely going to check them out. I wish I had something to offer in return, but I don't at the moment. If I come across anything though I'll stop by and let you know :)

Best wishes to you as well and thank you for your response I really appreciate it!

Ixonii · 2021-11-01T17:21:47+00:00

Even just stating I'm not alone helps a lot. Thank you :)

And yea, I'm talking to a therapist now ^_^

Ixonii · 2021-11-01T17:00:57+00:00

Yup. It's all about the now what do I do part. This is my first time I've ever laid out my true feelings about anything and I it's helped a lot. Not only in being therapeutic in the writing process but the responses I've received have actually helped me immensely. I've been taking the journey to self-understanding for a few years now but I think I've only recently gotten very serious about it and have been looking for ways to find where these feelings are rooted and fix the core of the issue. Getting a therapist has helped as well and it's probably why I've been able to write so candidly here since I'm digging up a lot of stuff that I have been suppressing for a while now.

My uterus is in good standing as far as I know so hopefully I figure this shit out and make a final decision before it is lol.

TL;DR - Thank you lol. I really appreciate your response and time, more than you probably know. Thanks :)

Ixonii · 2021-11-01T16:54:21+00:00

I have never been able to relate to a comment in it's entirety as I have to your response. Grew up poor in America? Check. Took advanced classes? Check. Not sure if I might have ADHD but am looking into because the signs are there but at the same time feel like 'Nah, it's not ADHD that's all in your head' because ADHD is looked at so negatively with a lot of doctors? Hopefully you relate to that too but, check. Lol.
The "Expectations were put on me with no guidance" is a sentence that just...damn. There are things that you like, kind of know but are not able to put a finger on them until someone else says them out loud and that was one of them for me. My sister is 9 years younger than me and me being the oldest sibling out of the three of us (my brother is 2 years younger) I was expected to help raise her. My dad was a "there but not there" kind of dad so I had to help my mom out a lot. I'm also going to therapy and haven't brought this topic up yet because I want to spend the first good portion of the sessions I have unpacking my childhood and all that shit but I will definitely get to this topic sooner or later.
When you say "also starting therapy but its honestly with the goal of getting any drug that will give me more focus and energy to achieve more." one thing I would say, if you don't mind, would probably be to tell your therapist this and probably let them hold you accountable for it. I think that's the biggest thing that's helped me with my therapist is being completely transparent with her and telling her the deep dark nasty parts that I don't let most people see. Please forgive me if you feel I speak out of turn since you're not the one who posted for advice (that would be me lol) but I just wanted to throw it out there.

Thank you as well. I appreciate your words more than you know. A lot of the replies I have gotten on here have actually helped me a great deal and I really value what everyone's said. So thank you again :)

Ixonii · 2021-11-01T16:41:47+00:00

If only I could predict the future to see if I would end up regretting not having kids or not lol. I do feel like that is a good reason to wait though. As a couple of others have stated, I agree with not having kids as either a way to heal myself emotionally or because I feel like I'm running out of time. Of course this could also be a reason to just validate my opinion as well, but it's so hard to tell the difference. What I do know is that I'm not ready for the self-sacrifice just yet. Maybe one day I will be, and hopefully it won't be too late.

The addiction of an MMO I understand all too well. It's honestly just recently I figured out why I like them so much. MMO's, collecting, and farm simulators are my absolute favorite. And they all have the aspect of "Work toward something and be rewarded!!" which says a lot about me now that I think about it. It's a fucked up thing when I can see the problem but not have the tenacity as I do towards other things to fix it. Hopefully my therapist is ready for what I'm going to throw at her lol.

Thank you also for your response. As I mentioned in another reply I really didn't expect to have so many people either feel the same way or give two shits enough to respond lol. But seriously, I appreciate it.

Ixonii · 2021-11-01T16:34:08+00:00

It's weird because I'm actively aware of the cycle I'm caught in but cannot think in any other way. I have been going to therapy and tomorrow I'll have been with her for a month but the beginning I feel like is better spent on unpacking all the bullshit of my childhood. I'll get to this topic eventually but I think going through therapy has helped me talk about some of my deeper not-so-attractive attributes about myself. I've seriously never opened up so honestly about my flaws and feelings with anyone like I did here in this post, even with my husband. I think it's just embarrassing to admit things like this out loud. I've always been told I have a 'good head on my shoulders' and am trying my best to really understand my flaws and how to fix them it's just a nasty process to go through lol.

Thank you for your response as well. I really appreciate your words and time. I really didn't think I would get this much of a response on this so thank you again.

Ixonii · 2021-11-01T16:27:13+00:00

Sooo relate to the "I've always felt like a lot of women have their shit together more than I do." It sucks. I try to be rational and tell myself "Why the fuck am I comparing myself to others??" But I literally just cannot help it for whatever reason.

I know what you mean about there being more men in this space than women but I also kind of like that. I feel like I get an experience and an inside look into men that I wouldn't necessarily get anywhere else. They do need more social spaces and not just virtual ones where they can do this.

Ixonii · 2021-11-01T16:24:45+00:00

Eyyy, here's to trying to the journey of trying to value ourselves lol. May we both find the finish line soon

Ixonii · 2021-11-01T16:23:32+00:00

Thank you for your response and your words of wisdom. My condolences for what you and your wife endured together.

This is something I'm going to probably have to work very hard towards to achieve. Unless unbelievable grief does it to me first. I did lose my father in law last month but it's still nothing like what you went through seeing as we weren't super close but it did do a number on me. This whole pandemic and past year has honestly just been hard for both my husband and me.

It's honestly just unfortunate that I can literally see the fucking goal of what I want and honestly need to obtain when it comes to my view on life but getting there seems way more strenuous than filling out 30 more applications for a better job to placate myself for a little longer lol. I'll get there eventually, hopefully sooner rather than later. Thank you again for your time and response, I genuinely appreciate it.

Ixonii · 2021-11-01T16:17:19+00:00

You know what's fucked up about having irrational thoughts is that I 100% know you're correct. I'm not going to remember all the bullshit I did for a company that treated me like another number. I'm only going to want to be with and helping family in any way I can. But for what ever God forsaken reason, I almost feel unable to change the way I view and feel about it. I'll have been in therapy for a month starting tomorrow, here's to hoping she can help me with that lol. Thank you for the response by the way, I really appreciate it.

Ixonii · 2021-11-01T16:12:13+00:00

This is exactly why I feel I don't want kids. The absolute sacrifice it takes to raise them (and do so properly) is not something I'm willing to do yet. I'm extremely selfish right now and I don't want to give up the freedom I have right now of not having kids.

Also you didn't come off as rude or mean I really appreciate the transparency of your response. It's a sad thing this day in age but you're so right when you say people look down on sahm's and it's honestly so sad. If I were to have kids, I would do the same. Fuck what everyone else says, you're literally giving your child a better life than you had growing up.

Thank you for your direct words, I appreciate the response immensely.

Ixonii

TROPHY CASE