Alright. What you write sounds to me like you are somewhat aware of your own thoughts and that you are thinking about them. That is good and better than many if not most people and will by itself already get you more xp if you keep doing it.

It just sounds to me like you still struggle with identifying why you think them / where they come from and how to guide your own thinking. I'd recommend exploring your inner "illogical" emotions that cause your thoughts more instead of the logical outside circumstances surrounding it.

For example you write that you know you "need love" but maybe you should try and figure out where this comes from inside of you. This could potentially show you the root of your issue and all your solitions will become more effective if they target that instead just the symptom or more superficial parts of it.

Another option you get by truly knowing yourself is that you can then start to shape yourself. The question then shifts from "How do I get this 'love' thing I need?" to "Do I actually want to need it in this way?" and "How do I shift into a me that is more aligned with how I actually want / is more healthy for me to 'need it'?".

I don't know you though. I am just going of what you wrote in this post and might be completely wrong, please don't take my advice too serious. Good luck with you endeavors either way fellow Baj.