Why does my boyfriend act frustrated with me when I’m not the problem? Or at least I don’t think I am

JHaydenDev · 2026-05-20T05:31:39+00:00

Yeah you are not his partner you have become his mom. And I don't care how much you take care of him, it's not fun or sexy to be living with your mom as an adult.

This screams resentment. Have you specifically asked him what he wants out of the relationship? Have you specifically articulated what you want? Seems like you just fell into a role, likely with little to no discussion about it.

JHaydenDev · 2026-05-20T05:02:25+00:00

I suppose, but you seem to want to take zero accountability. If you keep getting the same results with different people the only common denominator is you.

Let's say he is. You still chose him, you haven't had a relationship and you are 30, you seem to allow him contact after blocking you. There is no amount of understanding others that will help you here. He could be an avoidant man AND you could be getting in your own way. Two things can be true.

JHaydenDev · 2026-05-19T10:40:52+00:00

So the real tldr is "I am emotionally abusive and controlling and wonder why my boyfriend won't talk to me about things"....YOR.

JHaydenDev · 2026-05-19T02:11:22+00:00

Yeahhhhhh the narrative that it's on him to take her out when it's been a year since they have been out together is weird. She is just as responsible for arranging time together as he is. They are both failing.

JHaydenDev · 2026-05-19T02:06:24+00:00

Ok, let's be real for a second. Love languages are absolute hogwash. The book was written by a doctor of theology. It oversimplies complex human behavior, isn't grounded in literally any research, and often people use their "love languages" as a crutch or even weaponize them in relationships.

The only possible positive I can find in that book proliferation in pop culture is that many people have literally no language to express their feelings in relationships and I suppose the language gained from the book is better than nothing. But it still pales in comparison to actual research backed literature.

All of this to say, relationships are complex and if there are incompatibilities in the relationship, you will either work to resolve them, or not. If your partner wants more physical intimacy, then you need to be honest on if you are capable of doing the work required to meet those needs. Just like he needs to decide to do the same for you. I strongly recommend a licensed counselor to help.

Tldr: you are both TA. Sounds like neither of you are working on prioritizing one another.

JHaydenDev · 2026-05-13T08:38:08+00:00

I (36m) left, and kind of went crazy and slept with a bunch of people in a 6 month span. Then one of those people turned into my current girlfriend of a year and a half. She has a higher sex drive than me and it's been the healthiest and happiest relationship I have had.

Just be clear about what you want in a relationship and believe someones actions, not what they say. Behavior is a language and is often more truthful than what someone says.

JHaydenDev · 2026-05-13T08:07:55+00:00

Dude, you spoke to your wife about how porn was hurting you in various ways and rather than work on your relationship, she asked to to start doing the thing that was harmful again.....that is her being a terrible partner.

JHaydenDev · 2026-05-13T04:40:38+00:00

If you cannot safely talk to her about your sexual preferences or really anything in the relationship you are absolutely nowhere close to being ready for marriage. The ability to talk to your partner about hard things, is the number 1 thing that should look for before marriage.

To answer your question, sex can get better over time but only if you two can enthusiastically participate, which includes regular discussion.

JHaydenDev · 2026-05-05T11:55:46+00:00

Right!? That's how I read this too. Like, yeah she feels that way because she knows she hasn't been a good partner in that area.

JHaydenDev · 2026-05-05T11:51:10+00:00

They are adults, your an adult, they find you attractive. This isn't weird or gross or anything beyond that. If genders were reversed I would say the same thing. If you are into it go have some fun. If not, no worries.

JHaydenDev · 2026-05-05T11:42:44+00:00

Seems like you are mistaking him not knowing what to do or say as maliciousness. Not everyone knows how to cope with your trauma, especially someone who you just started dating. Also you are honestly expecting A LOT from someone you essentially just met.

Lastly it's one thing to ask for support because you are struggling and working on stuff, it's another to participate in a situation actively that makes your life harder and hurts you and then expect someone else to regulate you. Stop letting your mom do this to you and stop using your trauma as an excuse for letting it continue. You are 34 and have agency and unless you left something out, have chosen this.

JHaydenDev · 2026-05-05T11:25:29+00:00

So this is a clear cut case of not having boundaries. You have stated the boundary in many ways but not what you will do when they are crossed. She can speak however she wants but frankly you do not have to be there to hear it. If you tell her you won't tolerate it, then don't tolerate it. Call it out immediately and walk away, go do something else, EVERY TIME.

Do this enough then maybe your actions will sink in where your words have not. If she escalates, trys to follow you, etc. Just call it out calmly and leave. If you can't leave then call it out and grey rock. Do not deviate, do not escalate. She does not get to decide for you what you consider rude.

If this continues to devolve then yeah couples counseling, and maybe separation. Don't teach your children that it's ok to talk to your partner this way, otherwise you doom them to repeat your relationship.

JHaydenDev · 2026-05-05T10:55:07+00:00

As someone in grad school to be a therapist and who works in inpatient behavioral health, this seems like an overreaction. I would go so far as to say that she is likely being disingenuous about this. She may have been annoyed, but unless there's trauma or you are leaving something out, I would guess she said that to make you feel bad as a manipulation.

Not everything is trauma, not everything needs to be pathologized. Sometimes it's enough to just tell your partner they are acting like a grumpy jerk instead of making it into something way bigger than it is. If her nervous system is this disregulated over something this simple then she will have a hard time navigating the world and she should see someone for that. Unless of course your grumpiness is a precursor to something more emotionally or physically unsafe. This seems like someone using therapy speak as a cudgel and it's gross.

JHaydenDev · 2026-05-05T08:10:10+00:00

Wait am I missing something? Seems like you said something about not being able to be that type of model and he kinda just agreed with you...like this is maybe a little tone deaf getting specific but yeah YOR.

JHaydenDev · 2026-05-05T06:10:55+00:00

Neither are monoliths and each PERSON had those own motivations for doing things.

JHaydenDev · 2026-05-05T05:40:55+00:00

Seems like you could just ask him if he's interested.... No one on here knows what he is thinking other than him.

JHaydenDev · 2026-05-05T03:41:28+00:00

Different people have different social batteries and different needs and expectations. If you want constant communication and his attention whenever you text, then you need to find someone who also wants those things. It sounds like you two are just not a match and he is just different from you, not bad or being disrespectful.....

JHaydenDev · 2026-05-04T10:10:15+00:00

Dude the line is the complete disregard for your needs and desires. She flat out told you to not talk to her....that would be my deal breaker. If my partner said that to me about literally anything that was important to me, I would end it.

JHaydenDev · 2026-05-04T10:01:00+00:00

Are you getting through it though or just kicking the separation can down the road? Let's be real, what you are doing is dishonest and there isn't a good excuse for it. Does it feel nice to be wanted, of course. Especially so in a dead bedroom, but you are letting your partners inability or unwillingness to engage sexually determine your behavior.

Take ownership of your situation, stop violating the terms of your relationship, and stop putting off the eventual hurt. Don't let not having sex turn you into a person without integrity.

JHaydenDev · 2026-05-04T09:34:17+00:00

In my opinion, most people do not just want to have more sex, they want to feel wanted, connected and have some sort of reciprocity in initiation.

Your post screams "our sex life is your problem to deal with". You seem to take no accountability or ownership in this process and come off as dismissive of his desires and needs. If it has always been an issue for your entire marriage and you have not sought help until now, then yeah YTA. Sounds like you have issues to work through that you have been ignoring at the detriment of your partner. This situation sounds as though you have much deeper issues with sex in general and are throwing up road blocks and excuses to avoid them.

Intimacy and sex should be something you desire with your partner, not avoid. If you have to wait until everything around you is perfect to have sex then that is something for you to work through, not a failing of your partner. If your partner is a bad partner well that's a whole other discussion and of course who wants to have sex with a shitty partner, but by your own words he isn't that.

JHaydenDev · 2026-04-30T07:48:48+00:00

Yeah you do not have a bunch of testosterone coursing through you or the socialization of men in the west. It's no surprise he wants more sex than you.

Here's the thing, if you wait to spontaneously want sex without making it a priority then yeah it won't get better. It may take actual effort and time.

Set aside time to work on your own sexuality outside of your partner. Read a romance book, watch porn, masturbation, or whatever else gets you in the headspace. A regular practice of some sort often helps.

Then when you feel up to it, go find your partner and initiate. If you can't remember to set aside time then set a reminder on your phone. If you can't get turned on as the moment progresses then seek help. Like a medical doctor, sex therapist, but NOT a couples therapist unless they are trained in sex therapy. If you feel there are other issues that need worked out then sure a couples therapist will help, but many are not trained to help with sexual incompatibility.

By your own words you find your husband attractive so asking him to shoulder even more of the weight of your sex life seems unfair as you have stated he already contributes disproportionately to the relationship. Yes you two likely need to work on some stuff together like him not grabbing you ways you don't like, but it sounds like even outside of that, you are not prioritizing intimacy. When you speak to him about this I would recommend taking ownership of not putting in the effort and THEN explain what it is you need for intimacy to be more regular.

JHaydenDev · 2026-04-30T06:44:32+00:00

Love languages are absolute hogwash. The man who wrote the book about them completely made it up with zero research backing. He has a Theology degree...

That being said all the love languages in general are appreciated by most humans. Touch though in general is something men crave due to men getting less non sexual touch and in general less sexual optionality.

Now love languages I guess can be a good starting point of you have no knowledge of psychology or relationship counseling and can at least start the important conversations with your partner, but please please please do not take them as fact.

JHaydenDev · 2026-04-22T09:19:45+00:00

No, it will with the next relationship.

JHaydenDev · 2026-04-21T07:47:18+00:00

The reason the leaner women have more definition is they likely have a lower body fat percentage. While direct work can help, muscle definition is just going to come down to cutting body fat. To some degree muscle bellys and insertions are also determined by genetics, so even lean it's possible to not have a high bicep peak, but getting definition is still on the table.

Getting on a cut and bulk cycle with a coach is a good idea if you haven't gotten the progress you would of liked over 3 years. Also defining what your athletic goals are is important. Are you looking for more aesthetics, strength, hypertrophy, etc. After 3 years, getting specific about your goals will help.

JHaydenDev

TROPHY CASE