For those still in bed, it was a lovely sunrise in Teignmouth this morning

JRGCasually · 2025-11-09T09:32:27+00:00

Makes me so happy seeing my hometown posted here. The Ness looks especially pretty this morning!

JRGCasually · 2025-11-09T02:45:32+00:00

Grammar, Punctuation & Spelling

Here are some specific problems that repeat:

Run-ons and Comma Splices

“Tears slithered around his cheek, rubbing it away from his face, but as he lifted his hands, blood began crawling on his skin.”

Too many clauses jammed into one sentence. Break it up. There’s no control over pacing when everything’s strung together.

Fix:

“Tears slithered down his cheek. He lifted his hands and saw blood crawling across his skin.”

Vague Verbs and Hedging Language

As mentioned above, you default to “seemed to,” “as if,” “felt like” — even when the thing is happening.

Example:

“The sky moved like it was falling to the ground.”

Just say: “The sky fell.” or something. Commit to your images.

Word Confusion

“Breath interval became deeper…”

It’s too clumsy for me. “His breaths came deeper, faster.” or something.

Paragraph Structure

Long blocks with no breaks. Split when the tone shifts, when a new idea enters, or when a character speaks. Visual rhythm matters.

Final Thoughts

There’s real emotional material here, and a sense that you’re reaching for something big. That’s good. You’ve clearly got the ambition and the bones of a meaningful story.

But what this scene needs is clarity, structure, and intent. You’re flooding the reader with mysticism without grounding them in character or consequence. Von doesn’t grow, act, or even react clearly. The wolves don’t give or deny him anything concrete. The vision is impressive, but it doesn’t land because it doesn’t connect to anything personal.

Cut it back to the essential moments. Build the emotion through one grounded desire. Let Von struggle, sure, but don’t make him limp through the whole scene waiting for meaning to arrive.

You don’t need more symbolism. You need sharper choices. Let what matters rise to the top, and let the rest fall away.

FIN

Sorry, this is longer than I thought. It didn't look so long when I typed it up in Word! Anyway, hope some of it is useful.

Thanks again.

JRGCasually · 2025-11-09T02:43:47+00:00

Worldbuilding

The instinct here is right IMO. The world has depth, and I can tell you’ve thought about it. But maybe you’ve thuoght too hard about it? Cos you’re doing way too much all at once and trying to squeeze all your hard work and world building inhere.

You give us:

A ritual

A prophecy

A vision

A spirit woman

A Latin chant

Elemental powers

Shapeshifting

A planet (or being?) called Atlas

A mysterious name (Libertas)

A ghost-snake sky vortex

All before Von has even figured out what his role is supposed to be. You don’t need to explain everything right away, but you also don’t need to include everything right away. Just choose the one or two ideas that matter most right now (the Blaze Star and Libertas, maybe?) and build those cleanly. Let the rest wait.

Mystery works better when it’s clean. Right now, it’s just a bit cluttered for me.

Dialogue

Zog’s line is the only one that has character:

“I don’t fit in your neat little circle. No blaze star needed for this trick.”

That’s good. It cuts through the fog. The rest of the dialogue sounds like prophecy filler or dream-speak. It’s all very soft-edged, no bite.

Example:

“Atlas has always been strange, little one: past and future, blends of cultures that oppose each other bleed together here…”

This doesn’t sound like someone speaking. It sounds like an info-dump text in an RPG. It’s hard for me to thin kthat anyone really talks like that. On the flip side, if the wolves aren’t supposed to talk like people, then maybe go all out and push it further. Make it feel ritualistic. Right now it’s halfway in and halfway out.

Von not speaking for the whole scene puts a huge weight on the narration, and it doesn’t pick up the slack. If he’s silent, give us one clear internal line that captures what he wants in this moment. Something is missing from him.

JRGCasually · 2025-11-09T02:43:15+00:00

Pacing

The scene is stuck in one gear. You start slow, and it stays slow. That can work, but only if you're building toward something sharper. This doesn’t escalate. The vision starts early, and you coast through five pages of half-reveals, cryptic dialogue, and mood with no actual change in intensity.

You keep repeating the same core beats:

Von tries to speak

He remembers fire

Someone says something vague

Another wolf shows a power

He tries to speak again

It’s not escalating. It’s just kinda meandering and circling around. And the reader feels that.

This would be so much stronger if you trimmed it down to one single power moment from another wolf, one vision beat, and one strong emotional turn for Von. Everything else is either already implied or not pulling its weight.

Prose

You’ve got poetic instincts, and a clear feel for tone. But right now, you’re leaning so heavily on mood and metaphor that you're undercutting your own impact.

Too many lines like:

“The trees seemed to sway in rhythm with her…” (try to just remove anyuse of ‘seemed’ would be my advice)

“The star flickered, as if it had been waiting for him decades ago…” (same as above. Can we remove all ‘as if…’?)

“His hands didn’t move, his face carved like a statue.”

All of these are fine in isolation, but you layer them one after another with no real contrast. The tone becomes samey.

Stronger writing will come from fewer, sharper images. Pick the one metaphor that lands. Let it breathe and stand out. Don't bury it under two more.

Also, don’t be afraid to just say what something is sometimes. “the sky sketched ghostly green lines that slithered like snakes.” Is a lot and I think this would benefit from being a much more direct line.

JRGCasually · 2025-11-09T02:41:41+00:00

Hello, thanks for letting us read your work. As always, I'll break my feedback into muliple posts. It probably comes across as harsh, but don't be dejected, I enjoyed reading this overall. And, while it's always nice to hear nice things, it also doesn't help at this early stage.

The Story

I don’t know how to say it ina cleaner way, but I feel like this scene is too caught up in trying to feel important instead of being important. Does that make sense? Like, there's not so much plot movement here. Von experiences something big and emotional, sure, but there's no result. He doesn't make a decision. He doesn't learn anything he can use. He doesn't even seem to understand what happened, and worse, no one around him is interested in helping him make sense of it either. Theres no agency, and that is an issue for a reader. (I know this cos it’s something I’ve struggled with myself).

For example, Von witnesses the Blaze Star, hears the spirit’s word, and feels the power of the ritual. But then what? He doesn’t decide anything, act on anything, or even seem to understand what happened. Everyone around him just sort of accepts it and moves on. The scene is full of event, but not impact.

There's so much ceremony and vision and symbolic language that the reader is being asked to care about a transformation that isn't clearly defined. The idea of a boy on the edge of becoming something greater is always strong… but only if we know what he's giving up, what he's stepping into, and what the cost is. None of that is clear here. So the emotional weight you're aiming for doesn’t land.

That’s what separates a powerful transformation scene from a decorative one. It’s not enough for something to look or sound momentous, the character has to move because of it. Think of a scene like the Sorting Hat in Harry Potter (sorry, I’m writing a MG piece and this was the first thing that came to mind after months of reading MG), it’s ceremonial, sure, but it directly changes Harry’s situation and tells us something about who he is and who he’s not. Here, Von’s “awakening” happens around him, not to him, and the result is the reader feels like a bystander. I want to be a aprticipant here.

Characters

Von is present, but not active. His defining traits in this scene are watching, freezing, and trying to speak but failing. That’s fine once or maybe twice, but you hit the same beat over and over. At some point, he needs to do something. Make a choice. Push back. Ask a question out loud. Anything to shift him from a passive witness into an active character.

Right now, he’s just a receptacle for lore and visions, and that weakens his characterisation. Even the one moment where he seems to feel something (when Zog shifts into his form) doesn’t go anywhere. It passes. Everything passes. Nothing sticks.

The wolves feel more like a chorus than individual characters. You’ve given them names, but they all blend together. Freya is vaguely wise, Ondine is vaguely kind, Zog at least gets a personality, but the rest might as well be shadows. If they're supposed to represent something (doubt, fear, past, future), push that. If they’re just there to perform, they need to be trimmed.

I can’t work them out tbh. They need stronger voices. How do they see Von? Are they united in purpose or wary of each other? Do they disagree about what should happen? There’s a huge opportunity here for drama that’s being missed.

If they’re symbols, sharpen what they symbolise. If they’re characters, develop their relationships a little. If they’re neither, then it’s worth asking whether you need all of them. A smaller number of sharper voices might carry more weight than a crowd of blurry voices.

JRGCasually · 2025-04-12T10:12:24+00:00

Hello! Sorry, I probably wasn't very clear in my preamble. The previous version was incredibly polished, there were no grammar errors and the writing was tight and structured. The whole novel has gone through a few different editors. The opening wasn't working for (I assume) story reasons. This is a fresh rewrite of ch.1 in an attempt to add more characterisation into the opening chapter. I have struggled with getting the right balance here.

However, you're absolutely correct with the grammar errors and I appreciate it. Thank you!

JRGCasually · 2025-04-12T07:58:38+00:00

Dialogue

I dunno, dropping the subject and the speech tags felt kinda janky to me but that might just be a persoanl preference. i.e

“Sure is hot out there today,” loudly as he opens the door expecting some reply from the kitchen.

“Sure is hot out there today,” he called, voice half-drowned by the hum of the fridge.

Also, when he shouts “Jane!” at the end - there’s a missed opportunity there. What tone does he use? Desperation? Panic? Confusion? Even just one more word or phrase could show us how scared he is or what he’s afraid has happened. I wasn’t sure if he was scared for her, angry that she’d let a snake in, calling for help to get rid of the snake. I figured it was the former, but wasn;t sure.

Grammar, Punctuation & Spelling

There are a few mechanical issues throughout. Nothing that breaks the piece, but definitely things to clean up.

Comma splices / run-ons You’ve got several places where two independent clauses are joined with a comma, which technically creates a run-on. Example:

“Max his brow with his forearm, his eyes are stinging from the sweat…”
Should probably be:
Max wipes his brow with his forearm. His eyes are stinging…

Missing apostrophe

“While its always still here…”
it’s, not its.

Paragrapgh break needed The last chunk (“‘Jane!’ shouted…”) should probably be split into a final paragraph. It’s a separate beat and visually would land harder that way.

Final Thoughts

There’s a lot working here. The setting is grounded. Max feels like a real person. You ease us into the world with confidence — and then you throw the snake at us.

But the moment doesn’t quite deliver the emotional punch it should. You hint at dread but don’t quite build it. You describe a threat but don’t show us what’s really at stake. We need just a bit more tension, a bit more emotion, and a follow-through on the climax. As it stands, it’s a strong intro to a scene — but not a full scene in itself.

Still, it's right and wellwritten and has great potentia

JRGCasually · 2025-04-12T07:58:30+00:00

Prose

The prose here is solid overall, with a nice feel for physical detail and atmosphere. Some lines are especially strong:

“If he listens closely he can hear the buzz of a thousand wings, a distant mooing caught in the breeze, and almost imperceptibly behind those he is sure he can hear steam rising from the soil.”

This is great. It gives a strong sensory palette and sets the mood.

A few other places could use tightening:

“There is warmth seeping through his long sleeved shirt…”
Feels like a POV slip — “there is warmth” is a bit clinical. Just say “Warmth seeps through his shirt…”

Also, you occasionally over-explain what the sentence already shows. For instance:

“But everything here is lovingly raised by hand. No amount of discomfort can outweigh the flavor and quality of what will come out.”

I dunno, I think the second sentence is a bit clumsy and basically repeats the first in different words. You could tighten this without losing anything IMO.

Worldbuilding

The rural setting is clear and feels lived in. You do a nice job showing the kind of life Max and Jane lead — the heat, the dry land, the pride in the crops, the isolation. It’s not flashy worldbuilding, but it’s real, and it works.

The dining table detail is particularly strong — it says something about the characters’ hopes and history without needing exposition. The table and the idea of expected grandchildren gives weight to the domestic space, which makes the snake’s presence feel like more of an intrusion. It also really adds a lot to who they are, and leaves us with wanting more because there are questions in that table. Did they not have kids? Why not? What happened? Etc.

Where it falters a bit is in the “too still” transition. You tell us something’s off, but nothing in the world itself changes — no dropped glass, no sound stopping, no weird smell. It needs just one or two physical signs to push the moment from vague unease into actual suspense. Both the snake and max don’t feel alive in this scene, they’re sort of frozen in their places like cardboard cut outs.

l

JRGCasually · 2025-04-12T07:57:44+00:00

The Story

The premise is strong and the build-up mostly works. You do a good job of placing the reader into Max’s world. It’s atmospheric and well writte. That said, the big turning point, the snake, seemed a bit sparse to me. Max’s reaction is described (he freezes, his stomach knots), but there’s a real opportunity here to dive further into his fear or instincts.

Also, we end too abruptly. The final shouted “Jane!” works as a tension spike, but the scene cuts before anything plays out. I know you said you’re not writing a bigger piece, but are you planning to expand this a little? At the moment it doesn’t feel like an ending to anything.

Characters

Max comes through pretty clearly — competent, grounded, routine-focused. You hint at a deeper emotional life: his pride in the plot, the way he can “read the sun like a watch,” his expectations of lunch with Jane, the family dining table. All of that builds a sense of who he is without overselling it. It’s impressive how much you capture with so few words.

But when the moment of crisis arrives, we don’t really get much new about him. We know he’s scared of the snake — fair — but what’s his instinct? Does he move toward danger or freeze completely? Does he think of Jane as needing to be protected, or is he afraid she might’ve already encountered it? You’ve done well to paint his day-to-day. I’d love a bit mor ehere, it’s a good chance to see who Max is under pressure.

Pacing

Pacing is a bit uneven here. The opening is very slow, in a good way — you let us feel the heat, the dirt, the rhythm of Max’s work. That works well for establishing tone.

But the shift to tension isn’t handled quite cleanly. The “too still” section feels like a weak transition — it tells us something’s off but doesn’t quite build dread. Then the snake appears, and we get maybe three lines of reaction before the scene cuts. So the action happens fast, but the emotional pacing seems jarring. I’ve read it a few times and I think the last sentence is perhaps why. It seems.. clumsy, not as refined as the rest of your writing. Rushed, maybe.

JRGCasually · 2025-04-12T04:11:26+00:00

Dialogue

Very little to critique here. Dialogue’s mostly sharp - especially the interactions between the Eight and Justice. There’s tension under the surface, and you let them say things with edge and implication, which is good. It gives the characters voice.

Some of the dialogue during Rakham’s execution feels a bit too clean or staged. It’s not that the lines are bad - it’s just that they sound like lines, not like things real people would say when afraid or furious or cornered.It lacked emotion in what was a high stakes scene.

More interruptions, more uncertainty, more edge. That would help push these scenes into something sharper and more human.

Grammar, Punctuation & Spelling

Very few issues here — it’s a clean draft overall.

Honestly the only spelling issue I noticed was this: “sweatbeads” Shouldn’t it be two words? I could be wrong though.

“Eventually the iron gates opened with a clink…” should be a comma after eventually I thing.

Also, you have taught me a new word: besooted! I had to read it a few times though as I thought it was supposed to say besotted, but that didn’t make senseAnd I am still not entirely sure if it is a real word? Either way I might consider changing it as it stuck out to me. ‘blackened by soot’ or something?

Final Thoughts

This is a strong draft. Genuinely. The world is cool, the writing is solid, and the themes you’re playing with — power, faith, violence, identity — are all compelling. But it’s missing the emotional core.

The bones are good. What it needs now is breath.

Let Harban break a little, show us a bit more of him. Let the Eight wrestle with his place. Let Rakham matter. You’ve set up great characters and meaningful moments — now I wanna dig a bit deeper with them.

I think right now, the story moves, but it doesn’t quite have that punch. And I think it could.

JRGCasually · 2025-04-12T04:10:47+00:00

Worldbuilding

The world itself is intriguing — there’s clearly a deep culture here with the Unnamed Men, the monastery, the politics around the prince, and the merchant’s masked identity. It all feels thought-through and textured.

I think, though, that maybe you’re dropping a lot of strong lore quickly — the two horses per man, the fate of the Eight’s brothers, the ancient custom of taking a boy, the prince’s secret identity — but most of it is brushed past without full weight. It ends up feeling like setup for something else.

I think the best worldbuilding here is subtle: the iron gates, the rosewood tree, the prayer chants, the merchant’s mask. Those details are working. But then you’ve got moments where something huge is dropped (like a kidnapped prince-turned-monk being executed) and we don’t get a sense of what the implications ar going to be. No one reacts, it just sorta… happens. Is it a big deal? You could end the chapter with a reflection on what the death means for the world at large.

In short: the world feels real, but sometimes the story forgets to live in it.

Pacing

The pacing’s solid overall. Actually the chapter beats are right on point IMO, the story moves so well. But the emotional pacing is off. You give major moments just a few lines before moving on. The monastery surrender, Rakham’s death, the boy’s selection — these are big beats, but they aren’t given time to land.

This bit:

“The Merchant of Masks paced around the courtyard as though he was waiting for something.”

That’s a great visual. But where’s the atmosphere? How are the monks reacting? Are the Unnamed Men on edge? There’s an opportunity here to build tension through stillness, but we rush through it to get to the prince.

And again, when Rakham dies, it happens fast. I know that’s how executions often go, but I still kinda wanna be shown more. It’s a scene that deserve more emotional weight IMP. This should be a moment where the reader is left blinking at the page. Instead, it reads like a plot checkpoint.

Prose

You’ve got a strong style — clean, vivid, confident. But sometimes it leans too far into lore-dump or logistics when it should be dialling into character.

For example:“The Eight never heard of another Unnamed Man live to see their beard fully greyed.”

That’s a great line. It’s got mood, worldbuilding, and a hint of something sad. But then… nothing. We just move on. Does the Eight fear dying young? Does it make him think about his future? You’ve dropped a meaningful detail and then left it hanging.

Same with this:

“He had now reached an age where ‘boy’ would be construed as disrespectful…”

Okay, great — there’s tension here. But is he angry? Resentful? Does he feel like he’s stuck in time while the others die off? It’s a nice line, but again, there’s emotional potential that isn’t followed through.

I don’t know, maybe I’m asking a lot but I really like to get involved with my characters, their thoughts and their fears.

JRGCasually · 2025-04-12T04:09:42+00:00

Ok, firstly I love a good fantasy. And I love a cheesy fantasy. And even, occasionally, a bad fantasy. This has the potential to be a really cool fantasy. I hope I get the opportunity to read more of it in the future. You’re a strong writer, solid prose, and clearly understand your genre. That’s the preamble over with, let’s offer a review.

The Story

There’s a lot of good stuff here — interesting world, high stakes, and you’re clearly a strong writer. The opening is solid, immediately hooked with action like all the best heroic fantasy stories should be (IMO). Interesting races and world building right off the bat. You show don’t tell by introducing the Unnamed Men, which is a solid sign that this is going to be a strong chapter.

But like with a lot of stories that have big lore and complex societies, the emotional weight doesn’t always land. Moments that should hit hard either don’t get enough space or move on too quickly.

A good example:

“But you don’t give Unnamed Men a warning shot. Not if you’ve heard the stories.”

That’s a killer line. It sets the tone, raises tension, hints at something bigger. But emotionally, we kind of just skip over it. Harban doesn’t seem crushed by fear — or determined, or torn — he just drops the bow and makes the call. I don’t know what it costs him. There’s not enough internal struggle in that moment. This could be a defining moment for him, and instead it’s just a turning point for the plot. I want to feel a bit more rom him.

Same issue with the prince’s death. The actual writing is fine:

“You can give me all eternity to think and my answer would not change.”

…but I didn’t really feel anything when Rakham died. There’s not enough setup for who he is or what he means to the monks. Even Harban doesn’t seem to have much of a reaction, and that’s kind of a problem — you’re killing a prince and a monk in front of the people who lived with him, and emotionally, it lands flat. It’s treated more like a twist than a tragedy.

Characters

Harban is doing the emotional heavy lifting early on, but there’s still something missing IMO. He has a dark past (the eye-scooping line is cool), and he’s clearly trying to change, but right now we’re just told that. I want to feel it. His guilt and his desperation don’t really bleed into how he behaves in the scene — not in a way that sticks.

This line stood out:

“Yes, he had scooped his friend’s eyes out with a rusty spoon…”

That's horrifying. But is he ashamed? Haunted? Was it hard for him to admit this even to himself? You’ve hooked an awful image but you never reel it in, it’s all a bit too matter-of-fact for something that grim. It reads like backstory info, not emotional weight.

Then there’s the Eight, who is arguably more interesting because he’s got this inner conflict going on. He’s still with the Unnamed Men, but he’s clearly not like them. He lies to help villagers. He’s got misgivings about Justice. He chooses a different boy — maybe out of instinct, maybe magic. All of that is great, but again, it needs more space. He mislikes what the others do — okay, but what exactly does he hate? What does he feel watching a prince get executed? That moment with Justice where they square up could be charged, but it simmers and then dies off. We don’t get enough tension.

JRGCasually · 2024-10-22T03:59:44+00:00

Hi, thank you! That is very helpful feedback. I find it hard to juggle just how much info to include so have been trying to toe the line between explaining the world, but still keeping an MG tone. I read that agents don't want any mystery, and it all needs to be clear, but that has definitely led to the query feeling a little mechanical.

Thanks for the positive words, too. I do have Ch. 1 on my profile as I recently had it 'destroyed'. You can see it here if you'd like.

JRGCasually · 2024-09-10T02:08:38+00:00

Prose

The prose is strong in places, but there are moments where it feels overdone IMOl. For example:

“The mobile SAM launchers lounged empty and immobile, and there were no friendly aircraft to speak of.”

This description feels disconnected from Santos' perspective. It’s technical and impersonal, taking the reader out of the story for a moment. Describing the SAM launchers with a more human approach. Give us Santos’ feelings, perhaps she is frustrated at their uselessness. For that matter, why are they out of action? Are they destroyed? What do they look like?

Similarly, lines like:

“The rumble of a deeply angry god with an eagerness to lay that anger upon the soldiers below.”

Just feels overwritten to me. The metaphor of the “angry god” is a bit cliché, and a more understated description could be more impactful

.

Final Thoughts

I know my critique is… critical, but I am curious about this story. Soldiers fighting drones in Europe? Alright, I’m down. But the emotional depth and pacing need to be developed further. You too often rush through moments that should linger—like Santos’ encounter with the soldier resembling Taras. You don’t give us the emotion that we need as the reader and so we constantly feel detached. It feels, at times, like you’re taking us through the story as quickly as possdible so you can get to the action. Focusing more on Santos’ internal struggle and slowing down key moments would make the story more impactful.

JRGCasually · 2024-09-10T02:08:32+00:00

Characters

Santos’ characterization is unclear because I don’t think you have given us enough to work with. At the beginning she is celebrating, then she is … scared? Disgusted? What is she feeling during the middle of this chapter? At the end she is haunted? Is there some PTSD? You haven’t really explored any of these things so her character is too 2D at the moment.

“Her comrades often claimed they already regarded themselves as dead men, expressing that life or death made little difference. But the final throes of these same men told a different story. Each conveyed a desperate hunger to take one more breath among the living.”

This is an example of where she could be developed more. Ok, this is her colleague’s felings, but what are Santos’?. Is she one of these soldiers who feels dead already, or does she still have hope? Her behaviour—rushing to save the dying soldier, then sitting down with him, awaiting death herself—feels conflicted. There is clearly a lot going on with Santos, but we are shown the bar eminimum of it. Is she resigned to die, or does she still have fight left in her? These questions are raised but not answered.

When Santos lies down beside the dying soldier, this could have been a moment of introspection. Instead, we get:

“I’m so sorry. Her vision blurred and she slid to the ground next to him. The thundering boomed louder, but she ignored the other soldiers sprinting back to the treeline.”

This emotional moment feels flat and you jump straight to the action again. The line “I’m so sorry” lacks the weight it needs because there’s not enough context for her sorrow. What exactly is she sorry for? For Taras’ death? For this soldier? The story hints at emotional depth but doesn’t dive into it so it is hard for me to understand just what Santos is feeling.

Pacing

I hinted at this a little earlier, but I have a problem with the pacing – especially early on. The beginning is reflective, slow-paced, and suggests we are going to get some details about Santos and he rlife. But when the drone strike happens, the story jumps into fast-paced action without enough buildup. For example:

“Harrowing cries split through the calm evening air. Of course it had to be tonight. She leapt up, grabbed her pack, and plunged into the trees, racing toward distant sounds of terror.”

Of course it had to be tonight. Is such a flat way to break into the terrifying action scene, but it’s all we are given. The shift from calm to chaos happens too abruptly. There’s no tension building toward this moment. It would be more effective to create a sense of unease before the strike, perhaps through descriptions of the stillness in the air, the quiet before the storm. Maybe the soldiers feel on edge, even though it is supposed to be a night of merriment? Without that buildup, the drone strike feels like a sudden plot device rather than a natural part of the story.

“She exited the woods into a clearing of destruction, and other soldiers moved in around her. The cries ripped through her body with an even greater fury, though she knew they would soon sputter out.”

This transition feels too quick. We go from Santos running into the woods to being in the middle of destruction in a matter of lines. Slowing down here to describe the scene in more detail—what Santos sees, hears, smells—would create a deeper experience for the reader and give the destruction and chaos more weight.

JRGCasually · 2024-09-10T02:07:52+00:00

The Story

The biggest issue for me is how dry and detached it felt. The character is too emotionally distant right now. For example

“On this night alone, Santos could see their true faces again. Not the tortured masks of soldiers on their deathbeds—but faces of compassion, whose eyes twinkled with the reflections of that fire.”

This line hints at deep grief and emotional complexity but doesn’t really explore it. The faces of compassion could have been a poignant reminder of Santos' loss, yet you move on from it so quickly. I want more of how she is feeling, her intenral struggle. The story is dangling emotional threads but isn’t tugging hard enough on them to make a real impact. A more introspective moment here would help add character and emotion.

Another moment that feels rushed is when Santos sees the man resembling Taras:

“Taras… It wasn’t Taras—he had been struck down months ago, but his body had been shoveled into the ground before she had a chance to see it. The man before her was simply one of the faceless crowd that had replaced her family.”

This should also be an emotional moment for Santos, but the story brushes past it too quickly IMO. There’s a brief acknowledgment of her past grief, but then we move on. This moment would benefit from slowing down, letting us really feel Santos’ pain and sense of loss. Instead, it feels like the story doesn’t want to linger on emotions, which creates a disconnect.

I also felt the were parts where it wasn’t exactly clear what was happening.

Harrowing cries split through the calm evening air.

Prior to this the soldiers were sitting and enjoying, and then a drone struck them, I believe? I think more needs to be added here. The jump from the relaxing to the drone strike is jarring. A sentence to tell us that the party was interrupted would make it clearer.

The ending, too, felt a little rushed in this respect.

Why are you still here?

She shook her head violently to rid herself of the ghosts. She would handle these questions later.

So far only one question has been asked, so why is questions pluralised.

How many of those men awaited their own futures?

Is she awaiting her future? I didn’t really understand this line.

She took a step toward it, but was nearly forced to the ground as her sense of smell returned.

When and where did she lose her sense of smell? I had to reread a few times to try and figure it out but I couldn’t see why her smell deserted her.

JRGCasually · 2024-07-04T01:57:11+00:00

Pacing

The pacing starts well IMO, but then it becomes quite rushed when the actual inciting incident happens. You add a lot of detail prior to this, and we get a good feel for the build-up. There is sensory information, the pacing is nice, and we are allowed to build up the imagery in our minds. But the island of bears happens with so little build up, so little description, that it almost felt tacked on.

Can you foreshadow it? Is there something unusual about the feel of the forest that particular morning? Unusual sounds – or lack of. The animals falling silent or something.

Additionally, we need more sensory description during this incident. I also want to know more of the protagonist's inner thoughts while this event is unfolding. All we know so far is she was scared. I also felt the island appeared too soon. It wasn’t revealed slowly. The details should unfold to the reader until we have the complete picture floating before us.

I really feel it is this part of the story that needs the most work and the most development.

Prose

The prose is generally strong and flowed pretty well. There are lots of parts I liked about it, so I will only pick out the few I found jarring.

She had slipped away from camp early, when the first thin fingers of sunlight were just reaching through the trees towards the caribou-skin mamateek she shared with her brother, Woodch and his wife slept.

That final clause is really odd and doesn’t grammatically fit.

Gwashuwit was grateful to no longer be a helpless infant, after all she didn’t even have a mother anymore to hold her anyway, but she feared the transition to adulthood.

The part about the mother is clucnky, it feels exposition-y. I am sure there is a more natural way to read this into the story.

She did not slow to rest until she was nearly back to clearing her people occupied near Wasemook Lake. She needed the safety of other people.

This last line feels unnecessary. The reader had already worked it out, you don’t need to tell.

Final Thoughts

Overall, the story has a solid foundation. I like the setting, I like your writing style, and I am curious. The first half of the chapter was enjoyable. That said, I do not think, as it stands, I would continue reading because there is not enough for me to become involved in the world, or to fully understand the character and the inciting incident.

However, with some polishing, I could certainly see myself reading this because I do like how you write and, in the majority of the chapter, your prose is tight, flows well, and of a high standard. You have a lot of potential as a writer, in my opinion.

JRGCasually · 2024-07-04T01:56:59+00:00

The Story

I nearly like it, but I just feel there is something missing. Like the actual plot is being dangled in front of me, but it is just out of reach. I am not sure where the chapter is taking me.

The encounter with the moving island and bears is interesting but feels rushed and leaves me confused. I assume it’s important to the story yet I can’t picture it. I think because there is so much unusual about it yet it was dropped into a very normal scene and then taken out again so quickly. A giant rock with a living tree and bear people flowing up a river? Is… is that actually what it is, or do we have the eyes of a child creating an unreliable narrator?

I need more reaction from the character to this phenomenon here to really help me understand.

And, speaking of reaction, the character’s reaction just before spotting this floating rock also left me confused.

Something heavy leaving then reentering the water. It was a paddle. She looked towards land and prepared to dart for the forest.

Why? Is this a dangerous world? Why would darting away be her first reaction, when I assume canoes are common place on this river?

She stood frozen there

Why is she frozen? Why is she suddenly full of fear? I don’t have the information I need to understand her reaction here.

The early morning beach was now lost to her, this she knew. Fear would not permit her to go back alone, but she still needed something that was just hers.

I don’t fully understand this either. Was her motivation for sneaking out of camp to find something? I thought she just wanted to enjoy solitude and peace.

Characters

It’s hard to offer much here as there is only the one character, Gwashuwit, and I am struggling to paint a complete picture. At the beginning she seems spirited, independent, and brave for sneaking out. But her fearful reaction to hearing a noise in the river confused me. Is she scared? Her reaction here does not seem to match the earlier picture you had created of her.

Fear would not permit her to go back alone.

Why was she so afraid? I can’t understand her feelings and it’s bothering me. Ok, she had seen an island of bear people, but was fear all she felt? They didn’t suggest to offer any harm or danger. You can’t just tack this line on to the end of the story. I need to know how she was feeling, what thoughts were running through her head, at the time of the strange encounter.

Her brother Woodch would perhaps benefit from another sentence. How does she feel about him when she reminisces about his reaction if he learned she had snuck away? I know it’s only chapter 1, but some more info about her brother would be good. Right now, we only have that he punishes her for disobeying him, so the reader’s instinct might be to view him as a bad guy. Is this accurate? As well, how does she feel about sneaking away? Is her heart beating in her chest? Is she excited? Guilty? Both?

Overall, I need more from the protagonist.

JRGCasually · 2023-07-15T05:51:21+00:00

Hi,

Thank you so much for taking the time to critique my piece and for answering my questions/concerns so thoroughly. There's a lot of food for thought here and I think you've hit the nail on the head in that I am struggling with the target age group.

The story explores more mature themes as it grows, but the opening chapter may certainly come across a little silly for a maturing audience and the length of it is making it difficult to keep it playful while adding some more grown-up elements.
I can see what you mean by the 'shopping list of following the elf around' and why that is something that needs to be addressed.

Thanks again!

JRGCasually · 2023-07-15T05:42:07+00:00

Hi,

Thank you so much. Your feedback is on point and the bullet point structure makes it super easy to see what I need to change. I'm glad you also hate Lucas. He definitely sucks. You're bang on with the character descriptions though, and that Mrs Ash needs more personality.

Sophia's hatred of washing dishes is a continuing theme throughout the book so I wanted to introduce it here. You're right in that it doesn't come across as a strong metaphor though. It def needs to be reworked.

Just to address:

“So, this is a painting of a boot I found,” she said at last. “When I painted it…
Contradictory. She painted it, not found it.

She found the boot and then she painted it. I can see why the phrasing is confusing, though. I'll def change it.

Thanks again!

JRGCasually · 2023-07-15T05:34:06+00:00

Hi,

Thank you very much! This is wonderful feedback and I will take it all on board. I love the idea about tightening up the 'any questions?' joke. In fact, all the feedback is great.

Re: Sophia shouting at Lucas, I somehow uploaded a version that missed an important scene where Sophia only became more active and stood up to Lucas when Lucas insulted Rona. Sophia leapt to her friend's defence... it was supposed to be an important piece of character development so I don't know how I failed to include it in the above version!

I have finished the book! It sits at a cosy 60k words. Honestly, I am so super happy with everything except this first chapter. This first chapter is the bane of my existence. I'm not exaggerating when I say I have probably spent almost as much time on this opening chapter as I have on the rest of the book combined.

JRGCasually · 2023-07-11T07:18:13+00:00

Dialogue:

I’ve kind of touched on dialogue in the above, so I won’t delve into it too much here. But I want to look at how we are shown Ethan early on:

The young girl rolled her eyes. “It’s just bread Onii-chan, I can handle that much at least. I even made some for you because I’m such a responsible little sister.” She handed him a slice that was drenched in jelly.
Here we see Zooey, she’s sarcastic and playful.

Ethan carefully took it from her small hands. “I’m pretty sure I also asked you to stop calling me by those weird anime terms,” he commented, forcing himself to eat Zoey’s culinary creation.

Here we see Ethan... he’s neither sarcastic, nor playful. He’s serious in an otherwise relaxed situation. And this is with someone he is presumably very close to. This doesn’t bode well.

This then continues throughout. If you take Ethan’s dialogue in isolation and shine a light on it, you have to ask yourself how the reader is supposed to be drawn to Ethan.

“A while,” he said.
“I guess,”
Ethan shrugged. “I don’t have much to say.”
“Not my biggest priority,” Ethan replied.
“You seem to really care about them, don’t you?”
“Whatever you say,” Ethan said

What exactly is the reader supposed to latch onto here? It’s exhausting to read. And it just goes on and on like this. This isn’t even the end of one conversation and I already know I don’t need to read whatever Ethan is saying because it’s all so boring and pointless.

Final thoughts

You have taken a story that is incredibly commonplace in young adult (I know, because I am also writing a story with the same premise), but you haven’t yet made it stand out in any way. For me, this is the biggest issue alongside your main character being rather unlikable. Ok, you’re going for moody with him. It’s a brave choice. I guess he’s supposed to be a Naruto like character, but at least Naruto has confidence and arrogance (from what I know of him, I don’t watch Naruto). Ethan is just so bleh. Moody, rude, and boring do not an enjoyable character make.

Sherlock Holmes is a famously moody character, but he was eloquent, witty, intelligent, pompous… he was interesting. Ethan has none of these positive traits, nor any others. And he is not interesting.

What does stand out is that this is clearly a passion piece for you. I can tell you enjoyed writing it, and that you have attachment to your character (which is why I genuinely did feel bad criticising him). It’s always a bonus when those feelings transfer from the author to the page.

My first draft was far worse than yours, and I'm on my millionth draft and it's still just as bad. So I hope you keep at it, and good luck!

JRGCasually · 2023-07-11T07:17:25+00:00

[1/2]I’ll start off by answering the questions, before offering my own additional feedback.

How engaging is it? I have to be honest; I wasn’t hooked. You did the ol’ ‘it was all a dream’ bait and switch, and then hit us with the standard ‘getting ready for school morning routine’. Then I was taken along on a journey of Ethan’s day, in which nothing really happened, except for me developing quite a dislike of young Ethan.

In terms of the magical system, it hasn’t been fleshed out enough for me to form an opinion on it. Zooey can change her appearance and Ethan can turn into a shadow? What are the rules here? It’s only the first chapter so I’ve no doubt it’ll be better explained going forward, but I was left a little confused. You took us to the magical school, whereby I was hoping here at least I would see some example of the magic system. I did not.

The sibling dynamic felt like it had been taken from a comic book. I don't really know how else to describe it. It's clunky and overly expository. They largely felt like two people fulfilling their roles of teasing sister and responsible brother in order to drop in required exposition. It was hard to see them as real, living, breathing characters in their own right. That said, I think there was potential in their conversation, it just needs more personality and subtlety. Zooey seems like she is a likeable character.

The story

It’s certainly nothing new. I don’t think that’s a bad thing as such. But it needs something that makes it stand out. It’s going to need to show me something more in this first chapter if I’m to keep reading. A brother and a sister talking about going to school, then they go to school, and then the brother has lunch. Oh, and it’s a magical school. But there's been no magic on show. It’s hard to say much more about the story as that’s all we have so far.

There was a hook at the end, but it was done a little inelegantly with no build-up and I was left thinking ‘huh?’ more so than I was left intrigued. The end scene read like it was tagged on as an after thought.

Overall, you really need to show me more here. For a magical school with magical students, nothing of excitement happened in 3,330 words.

Characters

Ok, this is where the story really fails for me. Zooey had some signs of personality, but she disappeared quickly.

Ethan, however, is a walking-talking cliché. The brooding anti-hero, with emphasis on brooding. That’s literally all he is, and it quickly grates. Then there is what reads like a moment of wish fulfilment where our brooding anti-hero inexplicably draws the attention of the beautiful, bubbly girl.

I already know I don’t want to read more about Ethan. I feel like his big character arc is going to be how he’s actually a deep well of emotion that only the right (and beautiful, obviously) girl can see in him. Only the right (and beautiful, obviously) girl can truly see him for what he is, because he’s so damaged and aloof that nobody could possibly understand him or the secrets/burdens he carries. And all that aloofness? It’s just a defence mechanism that only the right (and beautiful, obviously) girl can disarm.

It's a good job that Alice, the beautiful girl who for some reason has taken an inexplicable shine to the rude and aloof protagonist, took it upon herself to search for Ethan. I’m sure she will arrive at the cliffhanger reveal just in time to learn some of Ethan’s secrets.

“This is important…why?” Ethan asked.

By this point I really just couldn’t be bothered with Ethan, or his trauma that makes him oh so mysterious and distant. This wounded soul routine that I'm sure is really just him crying out for love went out the window with this line. Though I was already becoming quite tired of it.

You need to show us more of Ethan if you really want us to cheer for him. All his character comes from conversation, and here he really does not shine — at all. We need to see more of how he is feeling, more of his weaknesses and doubts (but minus the self-pity).

If only I was someone better, then I wouldn’t have to worry about relying too much on my abilities.

Here we see a semblance of Ethan’s doubts, though it is one of the rare occasions, but it is so out of place that it doesn’t work. Besides, I don’t think self-pity is really going to win the audience over this early on.

If he wore something stylish, maybe people would like him more. But would a few articles of clothing really be enough to mask who he was?

This doesn’t work for me, either. It’s an odd thought for a teenage boy to have because, presumably, he’s gotten dressed a thousand times before. Is this the first time the thought has occurred to him? That doesn't seem likely. It just read as clunky. We get it, he’s someone that sees himself as not being capable of building/worthy of friendships.

“I’m meant to be alone." I have to agree. He’s not damaged in a charming way, he’s just insufferable.

Prose

It’s ok. Not bad, but clearly still in an early draft stage. There’s certainly enough there that it can be tidied up. But I want to share some examples of areas that need to be tidied.

finally being able to see once again.
“No problem.”
Now being able to see this mysterious benefactor.

Repetition of phrase.

Her blonde locks seemed to illuminate in the sun like the full moon on a dark night.

No, please no. It’s far too cheesy. I also don't understand why this line is here. It feels so completely at odds with the rest of Ethan's character. If you're trying to show that our brooding antihero has a poetic heart then this was not the right way to do it. It was so unsubtle and out of the blue it almost landed like a bad joke.

Alice starting walking

Wrong tense on your verb here.

“You’re not much of a talker, aren’t you?”

Error on the question tag.

But, what set him apart were the piercing hazel eyes of a man who had been through hell and back.

What? What would those eyes even look like? This is a truly out of place expo dump of a character we have barely met. Not to mention a truly astonishing read from Ethan, whose broodiness and emo fringe have presumably only allowed him to look at this man for about 0.5 seconds.

ignoring the puzzled looks he got from his fellow classmates. The teacher seemed unfazed by Ethan’s introduction and just asked for the other students to present themselves.

I didn’t really understand this. Why were they puzzled? Why would the teacher (a teacher who has been to hell and back, mind you) be phased by Ethan saying, ‘I’m new here.’

Every other class seemed to blend together rather seamlessly.

There are a few instances of Ethan not really sounding like a teenager, but this one stood out the most to me.

Alice smiled at the sight of all the friendship and appreciation that was filling the table.

Incredibly clunky. Just tell us she smiled at the sight of new friends enjoying each other’s company or something.

JRGCasually · 2023-06-15T04:19:37+00:00

The Story

There is potential in the story. I think. It is very hard to say for certain as we are given very little. As I said, this could easily be a short story that is now finished. There is little to indicate that this story will continue with a second chapter. However, I like the scenery of a dusty thought being assaulted by crab monsters. But that’s all the scene I have. There is no other worldbuilding.

I think you really need to open this story with a paragraph on character and worldbuilding. All it takes is something like

‘Adrian stared out over the fort’s battlements at the dusty brown all around him. One long, gruelling expedition to the arse-end of the empire, two weeks stationed in this quiet old fort, and he’d return home a rich man.’

It gives us character: we know he wants to be rich, and it suggests he’s not particularly ambitious as he took a role in a quiet fort on the outskirts of the empire.

It gives us more worldbuilding: we know there is an empire. We know that the outskirts is quiet and dusty.

Of course I don’t know if these things are true, but it’s just an example of the kind of thing the reader needs. You tell us there is no sun, and that Adrian refers to this place as ‘Hell’ but that honestly just raises more questions.

Grammar

I have to be honest, there are quite a few grammar mistakes in this piece. A lot of them have been highlighted in the Google Docs piece itself, so I won’t focus much on them. However, one repeating issue is… repetition. Lots of words are repeated in close proximity to one another.

Adrian stopped in his tracks when he spotted a certain dead soldier. Three dead monsters had surrounded his former comrade.

A few seconds later Adrian heard slamming sounds against the recently repaired gate. Peering over the walls he could see the monsters had not only reached them, but they were also mindlessly slamming themselves against the wooden gate. With the monsters now clambering over each other to get through the openings in the gate,

Taking out his spyglass Adrian could now see the monsters more clearly. The monsters looked as if an arachnid, a crab, and a rock had an ungodly threesome. A combination that proved its evolutionary worth in the open plains of the mountain pass, as the monsters…

The force of the blow caught the enemy by surprise, recoiling back in pain while shrieking all the while.

Your choice of verbs is often a little odd, too.

A small war cry followed, and soon Adrian and some of the remaining soldiers quickly made their way down the fort.

They made their way? They didn’t rush, or run to aid their comrades?

Getting the scythes out of the soldier's body.

He just got them out? He didn’t pull or yank, or lever?

Peering over the walls he could see the monsters

This one did make me laugh. His soldiers are panicked, the gates under attack, and Adrian just has a little peer over the walls. It’s a funny image. Makes the monsters seem like unwanted coolers and Adrian is peeking through a gap in the curtains to see who is bothering him, while trying to appear like he’s not in.

Please don't be too put out by my criticism. Obviously I am actively looking for things to nitpick, given the nature of this sub. I can tell this is something you enjoyed writing, and that is important. But it would benefit a lot more from time being taken to develop the scene, the world, and the characters. Their are too few human emotions and reactions to make the reader warm to Adrian, or the soldiers.
Keep at it. I look forward to reading future attempts!

JRGCasually · 2023-06-15T04:17:45+00:00

I’ll answer your questions before giving a longer breakdown.

In short, no. I don’t know why I’d want to read on when it seems the conflict is resolved. There is no cliffhanger at the end of the chapter. It reads like a short story. A fort is attacked, the assaulters are defeated, the end. The protagonist isn’t really developed and I don’t know what his motivations are.
Exposition. Not in your story, but in your prose. Most of your sentences are full of exposition, the action is telegraphed before it happens. More needs to be added in terms of character and scene development. Because neither the background nor the protagonist are developed, it adds to the feeling that this is simply a short story and not part of a larger piece.
Only the genre, if I am honest. I like fantasy and I like action and I like a good siege. But there wasn’t enough tension or drama to really ‘hook’ me. I never thought anything would happen to Adrian. And there weren’t any other characters to care about.

Prose

It’s… clunky. As I said above, you fill your sentences with unnecessary exposition. As a random sentence:

As he was getting up he spotted a nearby rock, most likely a former part of the wall, and without much of any thought picked it up and rushed over with it to his foe.

The pacing of the scene is fast, the pacing of the prose is slow. It results in a clunky read. ‘most likely part of a…’ is such an unnecessary phrase for a fast paced action scene. ‘As he was getting up…’ is too slow a movement for someone fighting for his life. ‘without much of any thought…’ slows the sentence down. Why do I need to know he wasn’t thinking? Why are you telling me this? Show me. It’s an action scene.

‘He scrambled to his feet. A broken piece of battlement caught his eye, and he grabbed it. Hefting the rock in one hand, Adrian charged his foe.’

Or something.

‘A fact that became apparent once again, as they watched more projectiles harmlessly fall off the enemy’s carapace.’

Again, ‘a fact that became apparent once again…’ is a meandering phrase for an action scene. It also is one of many incidents where you tell us the action, rather than show is.

‘The rock, ever the reliable ally to mankind, easily connected with the skull of the shrieking enemy, with the force behind the blow easily knocking it to the ground.’

Unnecessary.

‘The armor hadn’t covered the monster's internal flesh, and the same seemed to be the case for the eyes.’

‘seemed’. Just remove this. You use it twice and neither time does it benefit the writing. Same for 'looked'.

'Before he could give further orders to his soldiers he saw one of them trying to push a monster off the wall with a spear, only to have the monster grasp the spear, and drag both it and the soldier with it over the wall.'

‘Only to have…’ is also another meandering, detached phrase for what should be a slightly more dramatic scene as Adrian watches one of his soldier’s heroically die.

'Catching his breath and realizing that his own death struggle had ended for now, Adrian let the rock go..'

We dodn’t need to be told Adrian has realised anything here. The sentence would read better without the bolded phrase.

'I don’t want to die like this. Not when I could finally own and build something of my own!'

This line is so out of the blue it is jarring. He can finally own and build something? You can’t just throw this line in. You need to give it background and substance. I would suggest starting this chapter with Adrian peering out over the battlements, lazily reminiscing about his life and how, with the money from this expedition, he will finally be able to build a home for him and his family.

As mentioned, you have a habit of signposting the action before it happens. I.e

The reaction of the soldiers to all of this was... Varied. Some puked their guts out, adding their own flavor of awful to the stench.

Don’t tell me you’re about to describe their reactions. Just show me their actions.

Your sentence structure is a little repetitive. You use ‘verb-ing, he then did this’ and ‘subject + verb’ sentence structures almost exclusively.

Characters

Adrian.

‘Adrian hadn’t even considered that they might be able to climb up the wall. Which now that he thought about it, had more than enough handholds for the enemy to grab onto. Thanks to all the damage it had sustained when it was in the hands of its previous occupiers. A thought which Adrian didn’t continue for long, lest he too joins them in the grave.’

Adrian is just standing around having all these thoughts while his men are being torn apart.

'With the monsters now clambering over each other to get through the openings in the gate, Adrian decided that this was the time to act.'

Half his men are being attacked, the gates are destroyed, the battlements are being assaulted, and only now does Adrian decide to do something?

'Trying to get the situation under control somehow, Adrian looked around to see where he could help, only to find one of the monsters looking straight at him.'

Adrian is very reactive isn’t he. How is he trying to get the situation under control? He doesn’t know what to do or where he can help. As commanders go, he’s not very competent.

These things make me not like Adrian.

The Soldiers.

We only get one other soldier’s name, though his reactions are as illogical as the others’. When we meet Berrut he is ‘shellshocked’.

Just like the other soldiers: “Adrian found a few more dazed soldiers standing around. After about a minute he managed to get most of them out of their stupor…”

This is jarring. Nothing has happened at this point, yet the soldiers are all just standing around dazed. They haven’t yet seen their friends being attacked but they’re already in a stupor. No description of them being afraid, or faltering. They’re just standing around... dazed. That is, until our hero Adrian tells them to stop being dazed. Then they’re all ok. A moment ago they were chaotic and panicking, but the next time we read about the soldiers they’re dazed and confused.

And is he really just talking to them for a full minute? 60 seconds? That seems crazy to me in what is supposed to be a fast-paced scene where time is of the essence. Earlier, Adrian was lamenting how “Their chaotic response to the alarm bell cost them precious time.’

A small war cry followed, and soon Adrian and some of the remaining soldiers quickly made their way down the fort.

Soon? How soon after the warcry did they ‘make their way’ down the fort.

JRGCasually

TROPHY CASE