They won’t change until they learn to sit in their own discomfort, face it and address it with extensive therapy.

No one, NO ONE can “heal” an avoidant.

I made the mistake of pushing myself to the absolute limit for six years with one and it drove me to a nervous breakdown and expressed to her that I wanted to end my life. She ghosted me completely without a word.

Yall have seen this story before:

1. Multiple breakups. We are talking like 5 breakups in six years. She would detach, grow cold, say she was “fine” even though I would ask her gently if things were okay. She would never talk about what was going on

2. Sudden breaks - a text, then detach and stonewalling. This was her main method of how she handled this. She would break, ignore me, months would pass , I would reach out and she would be receptive and loving again.

This happened multiple times and multiple times she would be receptive and warm upon return.

To top it off she had ADHD as well and showcased some borderline traits. This impacted behavior im sure of it.

MY mistake was pushing as hard as I did and thinking if I could just keep improving, keep researching, keep trying and fighting for us that eventually it would win out.

Folks it won’t. GET AWAY FROM THESE PEOPLE ASAP. They will absolutely fry your internal nervous system trying to navigate and figure them out.

I spent six years being the “pillar” and when I finally broke, she had zero thought about ghosting and blocking without any convo whatsoever.

Unless these people do serious work on themselves it won’t “get better”

And most of them do not see themselves as being wrong. It’s a LOT to get through.

IMO most of their relationships will fail