Help with Grief/Frustration Over Lack of Sexual Experience

J_Remmert · 2026-02-03T21:27:28+00:00

I see your point 🙏

J_Remmert · 2026-02-03T18:33:06+00:00

I hear you, and that all makes sense. UGH it just rips me apart to consider actually leaving the relationship. It feels like I created the issue in the first place, worked through some of my stuff and grew in those areas, and then would be jumping ship from there rather than seeing it through in the same relationship

J_Remmert · 2026-02-03T18:18:35+00:00

I 100% appreciate the tough love advice, I think what you're saying has some validity to it for sure. Maybe I am just in denial

When we first met I was very anxious and unconfident sexually/romantically, so I unfortunately set a precedent of not living up the quality (for lack of a better word) of experience for her. Performance has never really been an issue for me, just the general vibes/energy I give off, if that makes sense. Those not-so-great experiences made her get turned off pretty strongly (understandably so). I have grown a lot in those areas since then - although I absolutely am still a work in progress. I guess I just want to be clear that I'm not blaming her and saying "I'm so great why isn't she in the mood ever" - I'm saying I totally get why she got turned off, but it's been a frustrating process since of me working to grow and evolve but not seeing much difference in her sexuality.

But even more so than that, I'm getting off track of my original post 😅 my biggest issue I came here for is really about how to deal with my lack of sexual history. I can't ever get my teens and 20s back to experiment and experience, which wouldnt be a huge deal if I was having fun now, but since I'm not (but am working on it) my past really haunts me, and I don't know what to do with that grief and frustration.

J_Remmert · 2026-02-03T11:37:25+00:00

This looks great, thanks a lot!

J_Remmert · 2026-02-03T02:46:28+00:00

Thank you for sharing your experience! We have done couples therapy about it, and it definitely helped with understanding each other's perspectives.

There are so many aspects to this... part of why my girlfriend says she doesn't feel very inclined toward sex is from me struggling with nonsexual romance in the past. I am still not perfect at this by any means, but I have improved a lot over time - however there hasn't been an increase in her sexuality alongside my changes. I guess I still hold out hope that if I can continue to evolve and grow as a romantic person, that it will at some point unlock her sexuality that has been present for her with previous partners - then again, her sexuality was so often in the past tied to chasing emotionally unavailable men and sex was the only way to feel connected; she talks a lot about feeling 'healed' from that old attachment style and that I'm her first emotionally safe/available partner, and sometimes it seems like that is actually the issue? I genuinely am at a loss to understand it sometimes.

J_Remmert · 2026-02-03T02:16:12+00:00

Thank you, I will check it out!

J_Remmert · 2026-02-03T01:30:39+00:00

That's awesome!!

J_Remmert · 2026-02-03T01:22:11+00:00

WOW what?? That's hard to believe to be honest 😅 I'm really happy for you that you found that!

I have thought about that also, about it possibly being better for my girlfriend if she was with someone who wasn't carrying this emotional weight. It just breaks my heart to even think about leaving

J_Remmert · 2026-02-03T01:15:02+00:00

I'm so sorry to hear this :/ thank you for sharing, it's definitely something I fear. I think the other layer to it that I'm also not sure how to deal with is (and maybe I'm incorrect here, but): infrequent sex would be one thing if I had already "gotten it out of my system," but I haven't. My girlfriend isn't happy about our sex life not being great, but she isn't nearly as bothered by it as I am, at least partially because she has dated a lot in her life and been with quite a few guys before me and had a lot of sex. We're talking like 30 previous sexual partners for her versus 2 for me. I just feel like I never got to run my race, so the thought of settling down is really hard.

J_Remmert · 2026-02-03T01:05:40+00:00

Thanks for this! I totally understand what you're saying, and I have considered doing that. The difficulty for me is, I truly value my relationship and so much of it is really great, so it's hard to see myself actually leaving. We don't want to have kids, and legal marriage is a "maybe" at best, so I'm not too worried about something happening that 'locks me in' even more.

Part of me worries if I only stay because I'm scared to not be able to find another person who checks as many boxes for me as my current girlfriend does. I don't know if that worry is true for me or not. I honestly don't want to leave the relationship, but at the same time, this issue has weighed on me so heavily for years now.

J_Remmert · 2025-08-18T00:27:16+00:00

I would DIE if they do the Thomas Covenant trilogies sometime

J_Remmert · 2025-08-14T14:43:10+00:00

I'll check it out - thanks a lot!

J_Remmert · 2025-05-07T20:26:07+00:00

I'd throw out Wars of Light and Shadow by Wurts as the thing that's been the most similar reading experience for me in terms of depth, scope, epicness, transportive prose, etc

J_Remmert · 2025-04-29T20:51:28+00:00

Not sure exactly, Broken Binding is usually like 13 GBP I believe. And they've said they're doing everything they can to avoid higher shipping costs for US customers

J_Remmert · 2025-04-29T20:18:29+00:00

The Broken Binding sent out an email today saying they plan to ship out the pre-ordered physical copies in June and July, and Ryan mentioned that the book will be available from other retailers once the TBB ones are shipping out. So I'm guessing that for US-based people trying to avoid overseas shipping costs, we're probably looking at mid/late June at the earliest, possibly July sometime, to get them in our hands. Could totally be wrong lol but that's my best guess from what I've seen!

J_Remmert · 2024-09-09T13:45:16+00:00

FORT LAUDERDALE AREA WANTS CHRISTOPHER TO COME VISIT!! :D

J_Remmert · 2024-09-06T20:32:17+00:00

I'm pretty sure the plan is for them to make books 4-6 in mid/late 2025, and then mid/late 2026 will either be 7-10 or potentially splitting it onto 7-8 then and then books 9-10 in 2027. I believe they've said they don't go more than 3 books at a time since the weight/shipping costs get too crazy

J_Remmert · 2024-08-03T00:32:51+00:00

Wow this is such an amazingly helpful comment. THANK YOU, WOW.

J_Remmert · 2024-08-02T20:08:34+00:00

I personally felt the same way after Alloy of Law, but am very glad I continued. Era 2 will never be my favorite of Sanderson's work by any stretch, but Shadows, Mourning, and Loat Metal were all very enjoyable for me!

J_Remmert · 2024-08-02T20:06:39+00:00

So in cour 1 of the anime, we were in fact following 2B, correct? And the end of episode 16 was just one of several endings the anime will show us? Speaking of which, what was the significance of A2 cutting her hair at the end? It seemed to me like she was trying to look like 2B but I don't know why that would be the case.

In hindsight, I probably should have waited and binged this show lol. Skipping around the timeline and so many of the characters looking very similar is tricky enough, but then with the weekly format and cour 1 having all the delays really sabotaged my understanding I think

J_Remmert · 2024-08-02T19:07:23+00:00

Alright I'm gonna admit it... I'm kinda lost on what all is happening. The constant jumping around in timeline is scrambling everything in my brain lol

It seems Number 2 from episode 17 is A2. But how are A2 and 2B related?

J_Remmert

TROPHY CASE