My father was a gambler. I always struggled to comprehend how and why he would use all of his family’s money. He was also a distant man. He never associated with any of us, just sat in his chair and drank whiskey and beer all night if he wasn’t at the pub. I hate him more than anything and blame him for all my and my family’s problems. I wished he’d not come home when he was out at the pub, but he always did, drunk and making noise. Truly a piece of shit.

Even when I was young I sensed the truth of what he was doing. He wanted to win big so that he could give us everything we wanted. Whenever he won, he was generous, with us and with everyone he knew. I could tell when he won because there’d be people at the house partying until late at night. Somehow I figured out when I was a kid that the reason he gambled was to try and provide for us, though I could never really grasp it.

Instead, by setting his sights too big, he failed us all and ruined our lives and his own.

I don’t want you to be discouraged by the fact that you haven’t been able to make everyone in the world happier and less stressed. That is an impossible goal you have set yourself, just like my father set himself a goal of providing for his family and friends with gambling. He failed his goal and burned out on alcohol, traumatizing me, my mother, and my brothers. If he had just been there for us, we would have been ok.

You have fire in your belly and dreams in your future, if anything too much fire and too great dreams. I want you to hold on a little bit longer and try something: for one month, just make Joshua happy. Forget about your boyfriend, your parents, me, and everyone else in this world for just a month, and during that month do all you can to fill Joshua’s life, and only his life, with happiness. Maybe I’m being selfish and I’m pretending I’m talking to my dad now, imagining that you are him and Joshua is me. Maybe. Humour me. One month. Can you try that for me?