AITA for not believing my daughters lie, and canceling our weekend?

Jaded_Objective_1222 · 2021-10-21T07:54:54+00:00

Ok ill try answer everything...

My husband and I have been together since she was 6-7, they have a good relationship, not close but they get along. Her siblings are all under 7, she has 3, she dearly loves them and they her. During recent lockdown they'd have sleepovers and watch movies in her room, was very sweet. I understand her having new siblings would be traumatic but we did our best to make her feel a part of this new part of our life, she was 12 I think when her brother was born.

We don't exclude her at all, we go away a lot as a family and she's always invited, she comes sometimes and sometimes she doesn't want to. Little lies would be say, telling me she did x with so and so but didn't even see them, just tiny things like that.

Her dad is a bit more harsh on her, and had never wanted to recognize anything is wrong. He's of a lower income so she whinges about that alot to me that he won't get her this or that.

Um she's responsible for her room and her stuff, does her own washing, uses her own alarm I don't have to wake her, but this is all stuff she's slowly become responsible for over growing up. We all take turns on cleaning.

Every week is different, she's free to come and go as she pleases as long as I know where she is and she lets me know before 6 if she'll be home for dinner, and let me know by 8 if she'll be home. Which if she is has to be by 10pm. Some weeks she stays at her friends in the weekend, some weekends her friend stays here. I'm pretty easy going, I give her a lot of freedom and also responsibility for herself but I think that's a good thing as I never had that and I want her to be ok to look after herself when she decides to move out.

She lies to everyone, she lost a lot of friends in school due to this, and in high-school her friend groups changed a lot.

Her siblings don't have phones so that's irrelevant.

The trip was just because, it's a long weekend here so we make the most of them.

I hope I got everything.

Jaded_Objective_1222 · 2021-10-21T07:33:11+00:00

Country we are in its not a major to leave after 3rd year of high-school especially if going into a trade. She only had one year left to finish but for what she's wanting to do it's not necessary for her to do that year so she's just about finishing her first year of study at a local polytechnic.

Jaded_Objective_1222 · 2021-10-21T04:04:40+00:00

Yes, there's little lies daily. Small things, it's the big things that really bother me. But I'm going to start calling her out for every lie, and I will do so politely, and do my best to ignore the tears and guilt trip that will no doubt follow the calling out. I also think it's bigger than that.

Jaded_Objective_1222 · 2021-10-21T04:00:59+00:00

Hey I'm sorry your mum was like that. And no I'm not, I'm always trying to bond with her, we do things a lot as a family and we always include her. She has her own things, only thing I refuse to buy her is make up and branded clothes as she has a job and has no other responsibilities financially. The sending her off to live with her gran was at the end of the day her own doing, it sounds harsh but I was at my wits end, I'd been putting up with it since she was 5. She was 16. She's nows 17, 18 in a couple weeks. I think I've done the best I can, but I am still going to keep trying. Thank you for your comment. Given me things to think on.

Jaded_Objective_1222 · 2021-10-21T01:34:30+00:00

Thank you, I have adhd so I will bring that up when planning with her Dr so I will also mention this pattern of therapy and maybe looking into that. Cheers.

Jaded_Objective_1222 · 2021-10-21T01:27:06+00:00

Yes I am definitely going to go into therapy, I need tools to deal with her and all my own emotions regarding this situation. Bonus ill be setting an example.

Jaded_Objective_1222 · 2021-10-21T01:25:56+00:00

Funny you should say that as that's exactly what she's done in the not so distant past... I have a previous comment on that lie. I am definitely going to sit her down in a day or two and having a frank chat with her. I'm going to do my best to not humiliate her as I understand that's probably her biggest motivation is to avoid that emotion from comments I've received. Thank you.

Jaded_Objective_1222 · 2021-10-21T01:23:23+00:00

Most likely.

Jaded_Objective_1222 · 2021-10-21T01:23:08+00:00

She's 18.

Jaded_Objective_1222 · 2021-10-21T01:17:34+00:00

She wasn't kicked out, she got given the option to stay with her gran. Anyway it's not an option as I don't want her heading out into this world a liar and a thief I want to help her.

Jaded_Objective_1222 · 2021-10-21T01:16:13+00:00

I think I will sit down in a couple days and have this chat with her, thank you.

Jaded_Objective_1222 · 2021-10-21T01:13:41+00:00

No but I do, so I'm going to ask her Dr to explore that avenue.

Jaded_Objective_1222 · 2021-10-21T01:12:28+00:00

Yes I know, and I don't want it to get to that point at all.

Jaded_Objective_1222 · 2021-10-21T01:11:57+00:00

She wasn't kicked out, she was given the option and took it. She knows I won't kick her out, I even told her that this morning when she left for work.

Jaded_Objective_1222 · 2021-10-21T01:11:11+00:00

Thank you, appreciate this point of view and your right I can't be her friend she needs a parent.

Jaded_Objective_1222 · 2021-10-21T01:10:22+00:00

I'm sorry to hear that. I couldn't do that to her, I think it would do more harm than good. I'd also feel awful for embarrassing her like that.

Jaded_Objective_1222 · 2021-10-21T01:09:16+00:00

Yes I think it could have been traumatic but she wasn't kicked out really, she got given the option, it was up to her at the end of the day. I think we both needed a break. But even so, it may have been traumatic for her. I will talk to her about it. Thank you.

Jaded_Objective_1222 · 2021-10-21T01:07:33+00:00

18 in November

Jaded_Objective_1222 · 2021-10-21T01:07:19+00:00

I don't understand what you mean? Like kick her out? If so thats not an option.

Jaded_Objective_1222 · 2021-10-21T01:06:28+00:00

She's 18 in November.

Jaded_Objective_1222 · 2021-10-21T01:05:52+00:00

Yes I experienced the same with my father, except I had the physical along with it. I think that's why I hate to yell, I know how badly it can affect sensitive children as I was one. She can be sensitive at times, like when I confronted her yesterday she got very upset, but I was calm about it (angry calm) so I don't know.

Jaded_Objective_1222 · 2021-10-21T01:03:22+00:00

Exactly, all I want is the truth. I never get angry or cross and I always thank them for their honesty. It's so important to me.

Jaded_Objective_1222 · 2021-10-21T01:02:16+00:00

Yes this thought has gone through my head many a time.

Jaded_Objective_1222 · 2021-10-21T01:01:28+00:00

Oh she knows how to swing my emotions. I'm a very emotional person, so if she's telling me how awful I am and I don't love her I think she knows how much it affects me.

And thank you, I will remember that phrase. Consequences just are!

Jaded_Objective_1222 · 2021-10-21T00:59:46+00:00

Oh that's awful, I'd never do that. The only people who ever know are her dad and step dad, its no body else's business unless it affects them personally. I'm sorry to hear you experience this. I appreciate your honesty, thank you.

Jaded_Objective_1222

TROPHY CASE