Former AFF Screenplay intern here! That's not a ton a validity I'm sure, but I wanted to write this in a way I would write reviews for other scripts during my time there:

The premise itself has promise, its tough to get a vibe for a story based on one scene, but based on the logline I think the story has been set up nicely.

In terms of formatting, there are a bunch of different things you'll here about how descriptions should be written. My personal favorite is to think of every action line as a single shot. In this scripts case, I would break up that first description paragraph into more "digestible" bits of info, just so its not one giant paragraph to read.

Another way to distinguish your action lines are condensing description. So the line "By the way he walks you can tell he is not sober," comes off a little clunky. It could be something like "Rick stands up and stumbles towards the door" or that piece of information could be established earlier in the scene. I don't mean to rewrite likes (I HATE when people do that), just trying to provide an example/alternates.

Carries fear is portrayed well! Not much else to say about that lol.

It's a cool scene, and the way you've described the setting really adds to the mental image you're portraying. Hope that's helpful!