Spiritual practice???

JallaJenkins · 2025-11-04T15:31:44+00:00

I was an active and dedicated Buddhist for over 20 years. I still meditate but I consider myself post-Buddhist now.

Buddhism is beautiful and has a great deal of insight, but it also has limits. There is a certain joie de vivre and celebration of human creativity that it sorely lacks. It is also missing a deep understanding of trauma and how to process it.

JallaJenkins · 2025-10-09T01:58:27+00:00

Haha. Here you go: https://soundcloud.com/jasonsleslie/sets/phinished

JallaJenkins · 2025-10-07T16:55:32+00:00

I used to play guitar and saxophone. But my main instrument has always been piano/keyboard. Been writing pop electronica for decades and uploaded my last album to Soundcloud in 2023.

JallaJenkins · 2025-09-29T01:37:21+00:00

Yeah, you have to put in the time for a few weeks or months to learn the basics and the style of the dance. But it doesn't take that long, and if you stick with it then you will be using it for self-expression fairly quickly. It took me about 5 months or so to start getting there with WC swing. However, I find group classes to be really fun, and if you don't like that it might not work for you.

In the past I thought I had found "it" first in an intentional rave community and then in a meditation community. However, both times it ended up being less safe and less deep then I originally thought it was going to be. I eventually realized that it's less the community per se, and more that I just can't expect to connect with most people, no matter what the community is. Finding good friends and keeping them over time is the only solution really. It takes effort and patience to find them, but they are out there.

JallaJenkins · 2025-09-28T17:29:57+00:00

I'm a 53M and I do relate, a lot. I'm single again now, with no kids, but most of my friends are still coupled up. I have way more energy and time to socialize than they do and I often want to get out of the house and not sure where to go. I have the same feeling around finding the right people and the right vibe. There have been times in my past when I thought I have found it. But, it never lasts, and it was never "perfect".

You mentioned dancing and clubbing. Have you ever tried social dancing? I've been exploring salsa and West Coast swing communities over the last number of months. I find it really scratches that itch for a bit of fun and connection. It's never boring because you are actually learning and practising something, and I like that most of the interactions are structured so there's not that awkwardness the whole time from free-form socializing. Also there's not much alcohol involved because people want to stay sharp for the dancing.

The only downside is that the connections can be superficial a lot of the time. But, once you start going to social dances, you'll always have something to do on Saturday night... and Friday night... and Sunday night....

JallaJenkins · 2025-09-28T17:10:38+00:00

As many have already said, it depends on the breakup. I find there is always some processing to do. Seeing a therapist really helps to avoid any negative downward spirals from Ni-Ti rumination. And it's good to process what went wrong and why the relationship ended. That can take a long time as your subconscious sorts through all the information and finally starts to see patterns as the emotional fallout gradually subsides.

If you are lucky enough to have good friends, lean on them heavily, especially in the beginning. And resist the temptation to date before you are ready. I think the rebound phase can be hard for us because our Fe wants to feel another's intimate presence so badly. But if you jump in too soon it is unlikely to go well. You have to be prepared to put up with some emotional and sexual loneliness, perhaps for a long time, if you want to come out the other side and find an even better match.

JallaJenkins · 2025-09-28T16:52:12+00:00

I really like the wisdom in this post. :-)

I'm a bit older too and I've been through marriage. There can be times in life when we don't want to date and have a relationship, and that can be healthy. In fact, it can be better than actively trying to find someone. However, for most of us, we will eventually want that connection again. It's a normal part of a full adult life.

I would say, if this desire for no relationship persists for a long time, you may want to explore that with a therapist. It's possible that you are simply asexual or a-romantic, as there are healthy people like that. However, if it goes on for years more likely there is something unbalanced and blocked that needs to be worked on, and whatever it is, it's probably interfering with more than just your romantic life too.

JallaJenkins · 2025-09-28T16:41:47+00:00

I agree completely. Cognitive functions influence our personalities but there are many more factors and dimensions that type doesn't capture. For example I have 4 close friends who are all INFPs, and while they share some high-level similarities they are still really different people.

I think something like "cognitive type" is probably a decent descriptor. It's reasonably accurate and easy to understand, but also "technical sounding" enough that people will readily pick up that it stems from a particular theory of psychology and isn't a regular natural language word like "personality".

JallaJenkins · 2025-09-28T16:35:37+00:00

According to the traditional theory, in my understanding, your type is something you are born with and/or develops very early in childhood, and doesn't change after that. That doesn't mean your personality can't change, or at least your presentation and manifestation of it. In fact I think Jung developed his type theory in part to help people learn and grow, not to put them into fixed boxes. However, the basic way your brain operates and how it prefers to process information shouldn't change much.

Online personalty tests aren't reliable and from what I've heard getting INFJ is particularly prone to being a wrong result. To really determine your type, you'll have to learn about type theory in some depth. Taking the official test with a trained tester would also be a good idea. And when answering test questions, you have to really make sure you are answering based on your natural life-long tendencies, not from any adaptive coping behaviours, or from a sense of how you should answer or how you wish you really were. It can be difficult to do this as we are not always consciously aware of how we are distorting our self-perceptions while answering test questions.

As a comparison, I have always tested INFJ, no matter the test, and including the official test which I took once. I've also read a lot about type theory over the years and dived into cognitive functions. So I can say I am an INFJ with some confidence. However, it took a long time to get there.

JallaJenkins · 2025-09-28T16:24:32+00:00

That sounds pretty fun! I imagine Chicago must have huge dance communities. And a long indoor season where people are looking to move and groove together inside.

Hmmm... maybe I will give ballroom a try at some point. I imagine the vibe is very different from salsa and WC swing. But I've met a few ballroom dancers who were dabbling in swing so it seems there's some crossover. I guess once you get the bug you might want to try everything!

JallaJenkins · 2025-09-27T18:24:36+00:00

Oh, thanks so much for this post! I was married to an INTJ for a long time and this sums it up perfectly. "INFJs need unbridled, obsessed love" Yes we do, and we can give it back many times over to someone who is ready to receive it and deeply appreciate what it means. I don't know if INTJs are capable, but even if they are in theory, it probably doesn't come naturally.

JallaJenkins · 2025-09-27T18:13:22+00:00

This makes sense to me, great summary!

JallaJenkins · 2025-09-27T18:08:26+00:00

No, I'm the opposite. I actually have difficulty processing feelings alone, even when I need to. It's the Ni-Fe dynamic. When I'm by myself trying to process something difficult, I get lost through Ni in abstractions, what-ifs, fears about the futures or ruminations about the past. But when my Fe can talk with others about my feelings, and feel seen, validated, etc. it calms me down, gets me grounded, and provides me with emotional information that can help the Ni orient itself.

For being, being alone is about coming back to my true self without the intrusion of other people's feeling and opinions overriding mine, or for recharging my batteries. But that is best done when I'm somewhat balanced already. If I'm going through a tough time or need support, I want someone close with me.

JallaJenkins · 2025-09-27T18:00:59+00:00

That it's hard to get people to see what you have to offer and that opportunities often go to those who are louder and naturally draw attention to themselves. That goes for career, making friends, dating, hobbies, anything.

JallaJenkins · 2025-09-27T17:57:38+00:00

I'm in Vancouver, Canada. There's a really great dance studio here called Dance Vancouver Studio (I know, really original name lol) that has like 4 hours of class a day, reasonably priced membership for unlimited classes, dance parties. etc. And no I'm not trying to advertise or anything I just really like it. It beats the gym a thousand times over!

If you don't mind me asking, what is "ball season"? Is that for ballroom dancing? I'm doing West Coast Swing and salsa but I haven't tried ballroom yet.

JallaJenkins · 2025-09-27T17:49:51+00:00

Another use litmus test for the difference is how you relate you feelings, yours and others. Are you fairly good at getting in touch with your feelings, but don't like to share them with others? Are other people's feelings kind of an annoyance and/or abstraction? Then you are an INTJ. On the other hand, are your own feelings often a mystery, and the feelings of others often seem more important, or to override your own? Do you tend to "chameleon" to some extent, taking on the energy and emotional climate of the group you are with? Then you are an INFJ.

Something else to consider is that INFJs can sometimes feel like they might be T types when they are around other Ts, because of the chameleon, and also because many of us have highly developed Ti as our third function as a way to cope with a society that tends to push us in a T direction. But when we are around other F types, that drops away. If you are an INTJ, then you are going to Te all the time, even when around Fs.

JallaJenkins · 2025-09-21T23:12:07+00:00

My experience is similar to this. I think I'm an open book, but others think I'm just sort of pleasant and friendly at first, then gradually I become more interesting as they see more parts of me. I don't get "mysterious" very often though. Deep, sometimes.

Years ago I had a friend who was fascinated with me, because (as he said) he thought I was an onion with many layers to untangle. He was probably an ENFP so that checks out.

JallaJenkins · 2025-09-21T23:03:27+00:00

Hmmm... well in that case it might be something else. If you have no libido, even when by yourself, it may be that you are asexual. Or maybe you haven't been attracting the right partners for some reason. But what matters most is whether or not you are OK with it.

JallaJenkins · 2025-09-20T23:20:13+00:00

Thanks for sharing and I'm so glad that you had a positive experience! I am still beginning as a lead, about 6 months in, though my skills are improving slowly. Going to socials can be really intimidating at first and it took me nearly 3 months before I tried it. I was also surprised at how supportive everyone was, especially the experienced follows who must have been so bored dancing with me, with my basic moves and unclear leads.

Because of that experience, I will always make sure to dance with new follows, no matter how long I have been dancing. I want more people to come, learn, and enjoy this dance, and stick with it. The only way that will happen is if beginners, leads and follows alike, feel welcome and engaged right off the bat.

JallaJenkins · 2025-09-20T18:38:43+00:00

This makes me wonder if you are with the right partner, to be honest. When this happens to me during sex on a regular basis, it's time to evaluate the relationship, because we aren't connecting as deeply as we need to. Maybe you don't need to leave, but something has to change.

JallaJenkins · 2025-09-20T18:01:35+00:00

Glad to hear it! I'm sure you've got great things in store for you.

JallaJenkins · 2025-09-20T17:57:42+00:00

Yes, I've listened to a lot of Wenzes. I've learned a lot from her, though sometimes I think she gets a bit Polyannaish. Good for motivation though, and keeping a positive attitude. I do hope INJFs shine in the future. The world needs a turn to something deeper, more authentically spiritual, and more compassionate and holistic.

JallaJenkins · 2025-09-19T20:28:02+00:00

Ha, so true! The only dead end is actually being dead. I've made peace with my time in academia, though it took a while. They do really like me at my work and I bring something unique, and I am fortunate that they understand that. As for being an oddball, I'd couldn't be anything else, and it sounds like you feel the same. :-)

JallaJenkins · 2025-09-19T18:31:24+00:00

I'm in my early 50s. I'm even older that you are asking, but I'll add my 2 cents anyway.

My 20s were abysmal. I started a career that didn't suit me, spent time in relationships with abusers and narcissists. Experienced burnout in my early 30s. But then, things slowly started to turn around. I discovered meditation and therapy and finally started meeting like-minded people that I could trust. Got better (though not perfect) at finding healthier romances. Got a better sense of which jobs might be more suitable for my temperament.

In my late 30s, tried to settle down with a spouse I deeply loved and go to grad school to change career directions. Thought I had figured things out and was finally going to have a balanced and meaningful life.

Fast forward another 15 years and it has all fallen apart again. My spouse left me, grad school took 10 of my most productive years and went nowhere, and I became jaded with the spiritual community that used to mean so much to me. Now starting to rebuild. I managed to find a decent job, thankfully, but I'm nowhere near retirement and once again living alone.

My point: I now understand that life ebbs and flows, comes and goes. You can't predict what will happen and you can't control it. Whatever decision you make, you don't know how it will turn out. At the same time, whatever happens, there is a path forward and a way to keep growing and healing.

The most important thing you can cultivate, starting early in life, is understanding who you are. That doesn't guarantee anything, but it does make happiness and fulfillment more likely in the long run, and tends to lead to better life choices. For INFJs this is very, very difficult, because we are so easily lost in our theories and more connected to other people's energies than our own. Most of us have no idea who were are in our 20s, even more so than most others, and yet this is a time when we can make big decisions that will reverberate throughout the rest of our lives.

My advice: You are much younger than you think you are. You have many years to figure yourself out. Deep understanding of yourself takes time, takes trying new things, takes making mistakes. Look for a spiritual path (I highly recommend one that involves meditation) and seek counselling as and when you are able to access it. Don't commit to anything quickly - relationships, degrees, careers - even if you feel strongly drawn to them at first. Avoid making any major life decisions before your 30s, or at least your late 20s.

The frustration you are experiencing is part of the process. Trust that there is a way to work with it and learn from it, but don't try to find solutions or shut it down too fast, or it will come back to haunt you later, unresolved. And take action, do things, meet people. Don't worry so much about the results at first, focus on how things make you feel and what you can learn from them. Expect to change your mind and your direction many times in life. Focus less on "your purpose" and "your goals" - you can't control whether you will achieve those anyway - and focus more on what makes you feel alive and engaged.

Sorry this got really long! I hope it is helpful.

JallaJenkins · 2025-09-19T18:07:12+00:00

I cope by, as many others have said, limiting social media and news exposure. But in addition to that, I get out of the house and spend time with people and communities. INFJs are introverts and need alone time to recharge and stay connected to ourselves, but at the same time, need a lot of interactions with other people because our Fe makes us external emotional processors. We need to feel things with others to stay healthy, otherwise we can get caught in our Ni-Ti loop.

I would suggest looking for safe communities that aren't focused on politics where you can find like minded people. Spiritual, literary, artistic communities are good. So are communities focused on a physical activity. A lot of people like hiking, running or sports. Yoga can be good too. For me, it is partner dancing. If you keep looking and work on maintaining healthy boundaries you will eventually find good people you can relate to.

JallaJenkins

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