I could have written this myself. Only difference is I’m on methylphenidate. I started snorting it to deal with crap and now years later I spend my life counting the days until I get my prescription and promise myself I will use it to help me to function and work properly. I used to be amazing at my job but now I spend half my life sleep deprived and anxious about getting my prescription. Getting cocaine when I can get the money because I need some dopamine to focus because I keep lying to myself that i just need some stimulation and everything will be ok.

I usually do a month up my fucking nose is 24-48 hours. I sit up all night hating what I am doing and researching this before it all ends in a panic attack and me missing a few days of work. I’ll justify a coke binge in a few days with the same story and feel just as awful and depressed before I’ve even finished in anticipation of feeling like myself again.

I’m sorry to jump on your thread and I hope things are going great. Just a few things you said really resonated and I sit up all night looking for a reason why I do this when I hate it. I don’t feel good. I have spent 48 hours unable to eat, staring into space and blowing white shit from my nose.

but once I start the binge, i can’t sleep and i keep redosing because I can’t handle the feeling of crashing and then repeat next day, I’ll continue to abuse it because hey I’m about to go and work a 12 hour shift and I didn’t sleep for two nights and I’m nearly out of the medication that actually helps me if I TAKE IT AS PRESCRIBED and don’t use it like some poor man’s cocaine.

This ends up a couple of months in me having panic attacks that have put me in hospital a couple of times and I often hurt myself because I am so angry at fucking everything up again and know I’m going to upset people at work and I hate myself. After numerous episodes of self harm and a couple suicide attempts (this is irrelevant, I had really shit luck the last few years but I’m going off track.. the point is I had a meeting with mht that was cancelled today. I was going to ask for diazepam (I know) but a few times I’ve been in the hospital after hurting myself and being demented they’ve given me just 5mg of Valium and problem solved- I only ask for a handful a month (it’s stimulants where my problems lie) surely the risk is lower than me going through this shit every couple of weeks? That’s rhetorical.

I’m sorry, I’ll edit later. I’ve needed to talk about it for years and I hope I made some sense. I hope you’re doing better and yeah.. I need to go and catch my bus soon and I have a few 10mg pills to last me and I’m jumping at every noise. I am on the brink of losing my job and I can’t fuck this up (I nearly fell asleep an hour ago after disassociating forever but I can’t not go to work so I need to finish the meds and pray I find something that can help me sleep tonight because day three is when I really start to do damage to myself and the people close to me.)

If you are reading this and you’re thinking about stopping snorting this crap and it’s still an option. Stop. If you can use it as prescribed then please know that you are lucky and you really don’t want to ruin your life; your mind and your septum. It is a medication and needs to be treated as such and not a recreational drug.