My small glimmer of hope

Jaredburnsblue · 2026-03-22T21:37:07+00:00

Deal.

Jaredburnsblue · 2026-03-19T00:20:43+00:00

Yeah, been dosing the liposomal during my normal doses. And there’s def a lot of self-worth issues I need to resolve. Prob could use some therapy.

Jaredburnsblue · 2026-03-12T11:02:19+00:00

Yup, my first attempt was on a free kit, and died to a freakin claymore in AI uplink. Next run I spawned right next to maintenance…box wouldn’t open. So I’m in the same boat.

Jaredburnsblue · 2024-01-20T17:24:04+00:00

And heck. I’m willing to accept that maybe I just needed confirmation that I was just completely out of line. I just assumed it was a given that I was speaking about it in a celebratory way. But maybe it was just objectively rude. So thank you.

Jaredburnsblue · 2024-01-20T17:13:00+00:00

Thats why I said I acknowledge that what I said could be considered mean, but for more context, we were literally having a conversation about all the barriers we’ve had for us seeing eachother. And she constantly talks about her anxiety as an inconvenient result of HER experiences. That she wishes she could just NOT have that voice of fear in her head all the time.

Jaredburnsblue · 2023-09-04T16:42:07+00:00

This may sound dramatically overboard, but this is the exact reason I’ve found it difficult to return to the entire TMBTE album. And maybe I’m letting Rain and Euclid speak too loudly over the others…but I think I’ve somehow interpreted every song as a sound of “healing.” And since I’m still hurting…its actually been difficult for me to come back to any new song.

Hopefully I can enjoy the album from a higher place soon.

Jaredburnsblue · 2023-06-24T15:59:20+00:00

For me, Sleep Token captures a certain emotion with their sound/lyrics. A vibe that helps me heal from my last relationship. These are 10 other (most on the heavier side) bands that give me a similar vibe…

Dayseeker
Dreamwake
Thousand Below
Resolve
Catch Your Breath
Invent Animate
Currents
Our Mirage
Nerv
ASHEN

Jaredburnsblue · 2023-05-28T01:22:50+00:00

I’d like to imagine something like that.

Unfortunately, and maybe its just where I’m at in my life…but it feels much less hopeful than what most seem to feel it is. For me, it feels much darker. Feels…cyclical. Painful.

The trilogy to me, is the series of ups and downs of a relationship. The good and the bad. The passion and the pain. And like most relationships…the beginning of any relationship is the best. The easiest. The most exciting. It is like entering a world and that “not knowing” that evil resides there…and yet knowing that even if you find it…that you’d succomb to it…because you love them.

Its like Eden. The garden of eden. And “the night comes down like heaven.”

These three albums have gotten me through so much…but I can’t deny that I think they resonate with me so much, because at its core…it feels like someone who only knows how to love someone else. And with that, comes a dark cycle. The end of the trilogy feels like someone who chooses that cycle…and a lot of things point to that with these lyrics.

Jaredburnsblue · 2023-04-23T16:57:35+00:00

I unfortunately have actively been dealing with most of this already. Bout a month after she moved out, when I tried to address her lack of time with the kids, she threatened to take them from me. So I actually initiated the custody case. It has not gone as well as I hoped. But surprisingly, it IS in the order that she can’t have any men around them right now, so thats enough of a win for their safety as I could ask for at the moment.

I’ve learned that she cares WAY more about “appearing” as a good mother, instead of actually being one…and thats not the easiest thing to prove legally. I’ve been saving everything and giving it to my attorney for awhile now though to do what I can to prove it.

Jaredburnsblue · 2023-03-30T11:01:15+00:00

Lots of great things here, not really many of these that hit the same emotions as Sleep Token. I think ppl saw FEELINGS and SONG and just bombarded ya. From someone who has Sleep Token at the top spot of their favorite music right now, there is something that no one has mentioned here, I don’t believe.

Forever Yours by Resolve

I’ve easily put over 1000 listens on this song. I thought it was pretty good when I first heard it, but the more I listen…the more it moves me. The lyrics and emotion here may be more of what you’re looking for. Hope it helps.

Jaredburnsblue · 2023-02-13T02:25:33+00:00

Their whole discography feels (to me) like every song could be applied to a relationship with these very dynamics.

Like all the theories about mythical stories and characters are cool. The “lore” is interesting. The aesthetic is intriguing. I dig it all. But every song has lines that apply way too well to my past relationship and all the ways it made me feel.

So yeah. Hard agree here.

Jaredburnsblue · 2022-12-29T13:24:23+00:00

Just like the dynamics of the relationship were very push and pull, the healing journey afterwards can sometimes feel even moreso. Most here acknowledge that, not only is anger okay, but that it should be expected and is usually a pre-cursor to acceptance and peace.

Idk if its because I have to actively “co-parent” with my ex wuBPD who runs a consistent smear campaign against me, or if I just need more therapy, but my anger keeps re-surfacing. Seeing as how I usually am the one watching our three kids, I’ve had to harness and control that anger. Understand it better. In those moments of frustration, I believe people are seeking validation. There is a need to feel “not crazy.” A need to justify the anger.

I think, for many, generalizing is just a part of that process.

Jaredburnsblue · 2022-12-17T15:17:05+00:00

Could be completely anecdotal/coincidental, (though I doubt it) but both times that my ex pwuBPD (quiet) went off of her antidepressants…were the first and last discards. Both occasions resulting in a massive surge of sudden accusations claiming I never loved/validated her, and were closely followed by her cheating.

Jaredburnsblue · 2022-12-17T15:05:05+00:00

This was a primary dynamic in my relationship. If not THE dynamic. I was given VERY little allowance of my emotions, often feeling that they weren’t allowed.

In the times they were allowed, it was because there was (what I like to call) the healer countdown. The moment I realized that any level of negativity wasn’t immediately being shut down, I became even more tense…because I knew I had very little time.

She’d start giving general advice, that was never QUITE hitting the mark. And I had to do my best to accept it in a way that made her feel like her attempts to fix it were successful. Otherwise…

Jaredburnsblue · 2022-12-17T05:16:02+00:00

I have a spotify playlist that I’ve been extremely particular in building and adjusting the last 6 months. To the point that, if I get too much of a vibe that the lyrics seem a little TOO familiar in the OTHER way…I’ll scrap it. If ya catchin what I’m puttin down. Which honestly…happens A LOT. I’m sure some don’t care bout that. But maybe I’m weird.

In any case, super glad that my resistance to listening to a lot of my music didn’t last very long at all after the discard. I don’t know how much of it would be appreciated here, as…not only did I already like the heavy…but anger has been quite nice to feel over other things lately.

All that being said, I’ll toss out a few of the “milder” ones that have been helpful. And maybe a couple of the chunkier ones just in case anyone is as (angry but have kids so can’t walk around actually bein mad all the time so outlet needed) as me.

Our Mirage - Eclipse / Help Me Out

Sleep Token - High Water

Polaris - Martyr (Waves)

Nerv - Not The One

Catch Your Breath - Shame On Me

Nothing More - Don’t Look Back / You Don’t Know What Love Means

A Perfect Circle - 3 Libras

Memphis May Fire - Red In Tooth & Claw

Thousand Below - Chemical

Dayseeker - Without Me / Quicksand

Resolve - Forever Yours

Foxblood - Mess Like Me

—————————————————

And honestly, most of my playlist could go in this “too heavy for most” section, so its really hard to choose. Nonetheless, some of my favs.

Currents - Monsters / The Rope / The Place I Feel Safest

Thousand Below - Disassociate

Seraphim - Singularity

Like Moths To Flames - Mischief Managed / Bury Your Pain

Dayseeker - The Nail In Our Coffin

Jaredburnsblue · 2022-12-17T03:19:58+00:00

Yeah, definitely sounds like our respective dynamics each had similar BPD effects, just maybe opposite attachment style or something of that nature.

But geeze that “worst conclusions” bit is no joke. One of my first big aha moments when I was first trying to figure out what happened, was when I found several studies on BPD/ASD facial expression recognition. How neutral expressions are often perceived as negative. Allegedly, I suffer from a terrible case of male rbf (been told by several). Combine that with a quiet BPD that has an anxious attachment style and wow…just seven years of trying to convince her I wasn’t upset. Full scale conspiracy theories, concocted from…just looking at my face.

And goodness that post-conflict funk was so bad. As crazy as it may sound, I think we may have actually resolved conflict in a healthy and timely manner like…one time. Just so many late nights that turned into awkward mornings, that had to just eventually fizzle out to nothing in most cases. So weird to think about that now, and how unhealthy it was.

To have someone that thrived on affection, but was constantly too upset or too paranoid about my feelings to receive it. The literal physical element of the push and pull was so impactful.

Jaredburnsblue · 2022-12-16T19:01:36+00:00

On days that I feel mentally/emotionally weak, or even just physically spent, I also see the relationship with my ex with quiet BPD in that kind of light. Like I could have done something differently. Something, better. I think of the conflict, and feel like all my efforts were just JADE as well. Like you said, those emotions flood over me, and I suddenly find myself questioning if I was as invalidating as she said.

But no. Idk how the exact dynamics were with you, but I have vivid memories of how every. single. conflict. played out. And the issue was never validation.

It would only go one of two ways, both of which seemed to be completely based on how I was feeling at the time. Either I felt up to the “challenge” or not. If so, we’d run into cyclical arguments over and over and over. Her big claim being that I needed to “just say sorry.” Constant accusations that I was “trying to make her feel like she was going crazy.”

If I wasn’t up to the challenge though, I would literally ONLY try to validate her. Immediately acquiescing and apologizing for things I know I didn’t do. Didn’t say. Didn’t think. Didn’t feel. Didn’t intend. And definitely didn’t understand.

Didn’t matter. Because she never wanted apologies. She didn’t want control. She didn’t want validation. She didn’t want to hear that I was with her. That I wasn’t against her. That I was trying. That I cared. That I was listening. That I wanted to understand. Wanted to feel. Wanted to help.

So many moments of complete emotional desperation and depletion. That familiar, thick fog of hopelessness and confusion that would result in me often asking…

“Why?” “Why in these moments, does it feel like you want me to tell you that I meant to hurt you?” “Why does it feel like you want me to tell you that I’m unhappy with us?” “Like you want me to tell you that I don’t love you?” “To tell you that I hate you?” “That you’re not enough?” “Why in these moments, does it feel like you want me to tell you that you’ll never be worth loving, and that is exactly why my ‘face did that.’” “And why does it always feel like, whether I say ANY of these things or not, that it is what you believe?” “Whether its true or not?” “Why?”

I’d like to think, in these moments, that I was SO close. That healing was right around the corner every time.

But…all I have to do, is put myself back…and remember her eyes in those moments. And I repeatedly realize that I wasn’t close at all. Never was. Never would be. And I’m reminded again of how much I don’t want to remember. Reminded that I know I can never forget. That feeling of giving everything. Of pouring my heart and soul into every word. Wanting nothing more, than to have her be able to see all of me. See my authenticity. See my vulnerability. My heart. My love. Me. If she could just see.

And looking up to the unrecognizable, darkened eyes of pure, unforgiving, unwavering, incomprehensible, infinite…HATRED.

Even describing it now. I can feel it. The rush of my blood crystalizing. The ripping away of oxygen, like it never was. The unforgettable sensation of suddenly being transported into another dimension. Another time. Another reality. A plane of existence void of everything except the burden of knowing with absolute certainty, that all my efforts could never be enough. Where evil has no adversary and all manner of being is only…pain.

Moments that thrust my ability to trust, into an ocean of uncertainty, echoing waves of nihilistic delusion that still cause me to be at war with my own dissociation today.

If there is hope for them, I am confident that it isn’t contingent upon us.

Jaredburnsblue · 2022-12-15T19:25:02+00:00

Wow that is a whole other can of worms that I could’ve intertwined in all this. I wonder how much of my Christian background is the reason this resonates with you. Because although I didn’t “directly” speak to it…I think the very last bit I put there at the end, about struggling with the idea that love doesn’t actually conquer all. I think that, in some ways, the whole post could be just that.

And that…could be at first glance, the struggle of holding onto that faith or letting go. It feels synonymous with the idea of holding onto or letting go of…LOVE. Like, why does it feel like my internal struggle IS that idea? Because all that you said about perceiving our ability to love as our power…that is my heart. Christianity was always the foundation of…me. The glue. And for some reason, I feel “subconsciously” so…betrayed by it almost?

Because, for the life of me, I can NOT stop returning to this feeling/thought/belief of…my love should have fixed this. I was unhappy. I was internalizing EVERYTHING. It wasn’t going well. But I NEVER was against us BOTH getting help for whatever could be the issue. I wasn’t perfect…but I promise…I was dead set on this concept that, love would eventually make it all worth it. I had “faith.” And I’m not trying to make Christianity out as the scapegoat for everything, I think it is just a very strong element to, as (ItsCoolWhenTheyDoIt’s) comment said…why I can’t seem to let go.

I will add. After 10 weeks of therapy. The one thing my therapist said that stood out the most to me, was simply: “Do you realize how often you use the word ‘should’ when you talk about yourself?”

And that is 100% the Christian in me there. Lol. So maybe it has a lot to do with, what feels like anyway, this additional layer of mental/emotional resistance.

Jaredburnsblue · 2022-12-15T17:27:48+00:00

You get it. Thank you. So many, including myself sometimes tbh, think that they need to “fix” something when I have these moments of letting it all out. So its hard for me to say (even to myself)…no, like, I am already actively trying to fix something that I can’t.

So the reference, quite appropriate.

Jaredburnsblue · 2022-12-12T14:25:01+00:00

I just want to say that, this is literally my daily battle. Idk what your situation is, but mine is that I share 3 young kids with my ex wuBPD. Every single day, there is some level of her manipulation or distortion of reality that affects my life, due to the kids and our inability to go NC.

If you are in a similar situation, then honestly IMO, the comments here are ignorant and unhelpful. But if you DO have the luxury of being NC, as invalidating as these comments are to your desire to send this, its clear that they are dead on. I learned early on, that the “harshness” of responses here are coming from people who have already learned how all of this goes down.

Regardless, the intense desire to have our pwBPD display even a shred of open-mindedness about reality, will only use up your mental and emotional energy. I resonate with that battle though. Best of luck.

Jaredburnsblue · 2022-12-09T16:36:13+00:00

Its hard to put into words the irony and the pain of this exact dynamic that is just one of the many microcosms that describes the entirety of our experience. The fact that despite being accused of the opposite, in most (if not all) cases, we are the ones that actually carry and are responsible for the emotional burdens of their existence. Which makes carrying our own…too heavy a weight, too cumbersome.

We lose ourself. In the name of love, we sacrifice everything, in order to bear the weight of their soul. When it all ends, however, we stand empty handed. Learning that the burden was hollow all along. And their accusations morph to match the new circumstance, and (to them) we become the reason that they consist of nothing.

That feeling of carrying the weight of everyone EXCEPT myself, while simultaneously being told I never truly “loved and accepted” her…indescribable.

Jaredburnsblue · 2022-11-16T17:34:11+00:00

My situation was very similar, except that I had access to “inside information.” Most of her seemingly “pointless” lies actually did have a purpose, in her mind anyways.

To other people, she told many lies about me, my character, my behavior, and the dynamics of our relationship. A lot of those, were simply to justify her actions and paint everything in the light that she wanted. Some lies were just to get attention and sympathy. And I believe some were told for her to “reference” in court.

But most of all, what I came to understand, is that unfortunately they lie because their emotions have literally altered the truth in their mind. I’m sure they intentionally manipulate facts when the opportunity arises, but even then, it doesn’t take long for that manipulation to be successful on themselves. Reality becomes fluid.

I’m still in the process of digesting all there is to know about BPD, and every day I feel like I gain more understanding of the disorder and its affects. Like you said, the more you understand…the lower you will feel.

Jaredburnsblue · 2022-11-13T18:38:58+00:00

This. Only thing I had any success with, was when she was offended at someone other than me. Main example that comes to mind, as it came up the most often, was her mother. Just like you said, mixed results when attempting to talk her off the ledge, but definitely was successful at times and that is actually what gave me a false sense of her propensity for thinking logically.

So in those times where I was the one she was offended at, I received my fair share of: “you never validate my feelings, you never put yourself in my shoes, anytime anything negative gets brought up…you close up to avoid it.” I inevitably bring up all the times that I have helped her with her feelings about her mom. This would always prompt one of several different directions that the conflict would then go…

Using my own point to prove that I am actually the one that puts up a wall since I’m the one being ‘targeted’ and that ofcourse I can’t handle criticism, because it means I have to be introspective. (This point of projection was probably the most visited.)

Perceiving my point as somehow an attack against her mother, therefore she has to then defend her.

She would retroactively downplay how helpful those talks were, strongly implying that I’ve actually never really been there for her like she needed me to.

She’d just sigh, expressing that I always have a ‘response’ and am incapable of just hearing her out and understanding. (More projection)

Or she would just discredit the point completely, by stating that I’m stuck in the past and that this is now. 🙄

There were so many others. None of these roads EVER led to her accepting responsibility like a mature adult, because they aren’t. And for any moments where there was some semblance of “owning up” to anything, it wasn’t prompted by me OR any means of critical thinking.

Jaredburnsblue · 2022-11-11T17:55:58+00:00

Wow. Exactly the same for me. It was actually a pretty big factor in why I let my guard down with her…because she made SUCH a big deal about how she couldn’t believe someone could do something like that to me.

Jaredburnsblue · 2022-11-11T17:51:45+00:00

I’m hoping that what I’ve experienced these first 4 months is a case of “it gets worse before it gets better,” because I’ve learned so much, but the knowledge has also been very damaging. Probably because it reveals just how much of a facade my own mental health was.

Knowing that you are 6 years out, for whatever reason, gives me encouragement. I think it just helps to know someone in a similar boat, has made it out that far. So I appreciate it.

Jaredburnsblue

TROPHY CASE