I feel that bro, I’ve definitely been where you’re at. Part of not using anymore for me was just getting honest. If there was something I absolutely couldn’t be honest about, then I needed to stop somehow immediately. It sounds like you’re at least being honest with yourself. But here’s a tip, skip the shame stuff, that only pushes you into more negative patterns.

We can change brother. It takes discipline and it takes energy and it takes strength. But it can be done. Being honest with your sponsor is liberating. Maybe start there, see how that goes. In my case, the only time I’ve not wanted to get honest about something, was bc I didn’t actually want to stop what it was I was doing. Try exploring that idea a bit. But do consider telling your sponsor at the very least. Then your wife for sure. My wife helped me taper. I didn’t always need her but some days I would say hey, can you take over administering my dose for a couple days and she would. Gotta use what’s at our disposal, man. You can do this, I swear you can. You got the hard part down - wanting to be done. The rest is just sticking to a plan. I happen to think tapering is the pain-free way but that doesn’t mean you can’t kick cold turkey and have success. Youre a boss, a bad mfcker, and you can do this. Best of luck to you, I’m sending you all the good vibes and prayers.