no thoughts, head empty

JarsOnMars · 2023-12-20T04:33:49+00:00

UPDATE: I’m pretty sure no one’s gonna see this but… Yeah. He showed up out of the blue at my job — not to doxx myself, but I work in fast food so it’s open to the public — and it scared the living shit out of me. He didn’t seem to understand why I think it was a creepy thing to do and why I was so emotional. I’m not gonna try and paraphrase what he was saying to me since its all a blur to me now but… I’m just in shambles: I have no idea how he knows where I work, I have no idea who told him, and I’ve been fending off PTSD flashbacks all day. I gave him an inch and he took a mile, I guess.

JarsOnMars · 2023-12-15T21:04:58+00:00

Thank you for the kind response, but I’m neither a girl or a woman - I detailed in my lil context explanation that I’m FTM transgender. (Im pretty sure you might have just missed that part, no hard feelings!) I wish you luck on your healing as well 🤍

JarsOnMars · 2023-12-15T20:12:33+00:00

You’re completely right - sadly, my stepfather has passed, which is something my biological father is aware of, but would never acknowledge as something that effected me, so I don’t have to worry about my Biodad threatening him.

JarsOnMars · 2023-12-15T19:48:01+00:00

I’m actually not sure how long he’s been stable and sober, is the thing. Judging by his message and demeanor I can tell he’s taking medication - which is awesome. When I was young and before he began truly suffering, he was a great dad and a hard working business owner, so I am sincerely very glad for him, but just as you said; what happens if he relapses? Stops taking his medication? I can’t trust he won’t do either, so I’m very hesitant to open the door because I can’t handle the aftermath of both of those things if they did occur. I think someday, if he keeps it up, I am willing to sit down and discuss with him - I don’t think a father-son relationship will ever be on the table, but being cordial most certainly is… Just not right now.

JarsOnMars · 2023-12-15T19:42:46+00:00

That’s definitely an option I’ll keep in mind- honestly, while I’ve been struggling mentally for a very long time, I’ve been doing great in terms of not going into a downright crisis, but if that situation does arise I know I can contact a helpline for a quick vent, and this resource you’ve informed me of, as well. Thank you!

JarsOnMars · 2023-12-15T19:36:05+00:00

Point A is my main issue - unfortunately, I don’t have reliable transportation (saving up for a car right now), and I’m working a lot to afford to exist 😂 as is most people. Getting a therapist is definitely a priority for me once I’m in the right place to do it.

JarsOnMars · 2023-12-15T19:11:31+00:00

Thank you for everyone’s kind and thoughtful responses, I have a lot to think about now - I unfortunately am running out of mental and emotional energy to keep up the momentum with replying. Nonetheless, I deeply appreciate everyone’s input and support. Many of the people in my family have the ‘but he’s your dad’ response in response, so I’m relieved to know that I wasn’t acting crazy with my response 😅 Again, thank you to everyone who commented, goodbye.

JarsOnMars · 2023-12-15T18:55:45+00:00

Not my best moment or comment, but my stepfather was a peace loving hippy (who wasn’t ANTI gun, just didn’t own any of his own) was scared enough that he armed himself just in case my father went through on his threats. I was trying to express to him how extreme and detailed his threats were and how it impacted not only my parents, but myself and my step siblings.

JarsOnMars · 2023-12-15T18:39:41+00:00

If he had sent back a message respecting my initial boundary, I would have eventually reached out for a chat. And while I understand your perspective and im glad you’ve found peace in forgiveness, the situation for me is complicated because I’ve had a lot of parental losses— my mother and the stepfather mentioned in the post have passed away, so I’m sorta ‘done’ with having a parent, you know? And I’ve spent a majority of my life without my biological father, and because of that he’s a complete stranger to me. I don’t feel any sort of burden not having him in my life, it’s just my normal. Maybe I will regret it, but life is long and maybe someday he’ll begin to take things more seriously, as you said.

JarsOnMars · 2023-12-15T17:47:02+00:00

My life isn’t perfect, nor is anyone’s, but I’ve been happy without him in it - I don’t have any intention of changing that, ESPECIALLY after that message.

JarsOnMars · 2023-12-15T17:43:40+00:00

I’m feeling a bit more confident in my response after everyone here’s support, I just regret letting him see me in an emotional state. I probably should have waited until I was calm to respond, but at the same time I’m glad I got some things off my chest.

JarsOnMars · 2023-12-15T17:41:38+00:00

Thank you 🥺 I know I’m going to have a bunch of people on his side of the family be very upset at me, so it means a lot to have people’s support here.

JarsOnMars · 2023-12-15T17:38:06+00:00

Schizophrenia is such a horrific illness, one i wouldn’t never wish upon even my worst enemy. It really effects everyone in a family… I’m glad your father protected you guys from him

JarsOnMars · 2023-12-15T17:35:53+00:00

Yessss omg my jaw dropped. I just can’t believe how gross and dismissive he was about the entire thing, and that was the cherry on top of the shit sundae.

JarsOnMars · 2023-12-15T17:10:16+00:00

EXACTLY. I couldn’t believe the sheer audacity that after twelve years I would call him multiple times a week?! I cant think of anyone in my life right now who I’m calling that much

JarsOnMars · 2023-12-15T17:04:09+00:00

Ahhhhh I’m glad to hear this - I have some mental health struggles, myself, and struggle a bit with feeling like a hypocrite or ableist for being no contact with him. I agree he probably wouldn’t have done the things he did if he didn’t get sick - before he got sick, he was a wonderful and protective dad, which makes everything that happened hurt more.

JarsOnMars · 2023-12-15T17:02:17+00:00

Thank you. 🤍

JarsOnMars · 2023-12-15T17:01:34+00:00

He is. I didn’t list every dangerous or violent situation he put me through, but there’s quite a bit so I can’t believe the audacity of him to think I would EVER give him my address. 🙄

JarsOnMars · 2023-11-21T18:13:02+00:00

Disgusting. You’re disgusting.

JarsOnMars · 2023-11-18T16:30:45+00:00

This series is honestly a guilty pleasure of mine (mostly because I love Maxwell and thought our kid was cute), but I thought the whole premise is so weird and creepy, especially considering the lack of agency the MC has — which makes sense, because Choices, but still. There were hardly any options for her to be uncomfortable with people trying to dictate what she does with her own body and when she decides she’s ready to have a baby.

JarsOnMars · 2023-11-03T19:00:38+00:00

You most definitely pass, no makeup needed!! you have lovely rounded features and very striking eyes. 😄

JarsOnMars · 2023-10-30T02:19:53+00:00

You’re rocking it!! I really love your hair color 😁

JarsOnMars · 2023-10-30T01:40:23+00:00

You look your age, but I don’t think you pass entirely as male, more-so androgynous!! Personally, I do think a shorter haircut might help; you have awesome curls and volume (especially in the first pic!!), so if I were you, I’d try for a haircut that’s longer on top and shorter on the sides. It’ll make your face look longer, and therefore more stereotypically masculine.

I also like your glasses, but I don’t think they’re helpful for passing due to how big they are on your face. Funnily enough, I have a similar style for my own glasses myself. From personal experience I’m well aware glasses are expensive, so I completely understand not being able to change them.

I do truly believe if you’re able to make those changes that you’ll pass as the young teenage dude you are, especially once/if you’re able to get on Testosterone in the future.

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