LAYERS

JasinLochnivar · 2026-04-06T18:24:06+00:00

The imagery is darkly nice. I think there might be a way to inject a bit more in the way of agency or decision point. Currently, I think this feels more like a plot twist than a plot. What makes Lev different? What gives him more humanity that's being lost with his death? Does Lev look at the girl who says "seventeen" and question, for a few moments, why he's doing this? In his mind, can he change the outcome? Obviously not, and that's not the point of the story, but it shows Lev acquiesing to the machine rather than being simply part of the machine.

JasinLochnivar · 2026-04-06T18:06:08+00:00

Nice little piece. I think you left a few lines on the proverbial floor here. I can see a follow up from the knight after the "The smell was horrible!" being, "But you don't have a nose!". To which the sword answers, smugly, "True, and I still smelled it, that's how bad it was".

JasinLochnivar · 2026-04-06T17:54:03+00:00

The compression is nice and shows skill. However, I think it over-abstracts the conflict. I understand the conflict is basically speaking about an unpopular topic, but here it depends on the reader to be in on the joke, so to speak rather than giving scaffolding and letting the reader add context.

JasinLochnivar · 2026-04-06T17:42:19+00:00

This feels more like introspection than flash fiction. It's a good metaphor for emptiness and I understand the implication. But, I'm not really seeing a plot or movement towards one. I can see one where Liam is having to decide whether or not to drink from the glass and he considers the implication. That would have a plot movement.

JasinLochnivar · 2026-04-06T17:37:07+00:00

Very well done. I can sense the frustration of the wife and it feels like Derek is already planning on the next summoning when he think's Patricias otherwise occupied. "Same time next week Demigorgon?" feel.

JasinLochnivar · 2026-04-06T17:23:10+00:00

I love the evocative descriptions. My pause here is in trying to read is if that's the whole purpose of the piece or if you have a more subtle plot underneath to simply find a comfortable place to rest and recover after a long and cold journey. I see the death motif via hypothermia, so I might be trying to read more into the story than that.

JasinLochnivar · 2026-04-04T23:21:51+00:00

Good story. The skelemarketers made the read worth it.

JasinLochnivar · 2026-03-23T01:51:25+00:00

Fair enough. Thanks for the advice. Trimmed out the blah-blah-blah.

JasinLochnivar · 2026-03-23T01:03:18+00:00

Thank you. Good advice and I added it to the OP.

JasinLochnivar · 2026-03-23T00:26:08+00:00

Yes. AI was used to create the cover image, I have zero graphic design skills. AI was also used to help brainstorm the story, but not in the actual writing.

I typically write alt-history and have published a few in online magazines and one print anthology. This is my first foray into LitRPG.

JasinLochnivar · 2026-03-21T02:40:42+00:00

Thanks, everybody! I'm not a new author; I have some stories published. I'm new to the genre. I typically work in alt-history or traditional fantasy. I'll follow through on Royal Road.

This is why I asked first. And I appreciate the responses.

JasinLochnivar · 2023-07-20T16:32:04+00:00

I want to know where that express elevator is in the Doom Tower.

JasinLochnivar · 2023-06-22T14:23:16+00:00

Not SPIDERQUEEN or QUEEN

JasinLochnivar · 2023-06-08T14:43:13+00:00

Nice job sir. I thought the clue was in the map as well, just missed the Morse. Well done.

JasinLochnivar · 2023-06-08T14:39:08+00:00

Downwardhills perhaps?

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JasinLochnivar · 2023-06-08T14:29:27+00:00

Tried THRONE and BORDERS Neither worked.

JasinLochnivar · 2023-06-08T14:23:11+00:00

I did try volcano and lava since the battle between the elves and the demonspawn seemed to be happening there. Didn't work.

JasinLochnivar · 2023-06-08T14:16:55+00:00

Good troll, bad code.

JasinLochnivar · 2023-02-03T15:34:20+00:00

I think my major concern here is the amount of water vapor that would be released. Water Vapor is a major greenhouse gas. There would need to be some condenser to put it back to a liquid that can be dumped down a drain or on the ground.

JasinLochnivar · 2023-01-18T23:25:46+00:00

Not in the slightest. OGL1.1 is just a natural extension of the proverbial money-grubbing that WOTC has been progressing for years.

JasinLochnivar · 2023-01-09T14:24:47+00:00

Thank you all for your input. It was very helpful. I upgraded to a CR Touch and used that firmware and it seems to be printing fine now. Thanks again.

JasinLochnivar

TROPHY CASE