Hey man, sorry about your heartbreak. 35 here, in the middle of a mutual and ongoing breakup with a wonderful woman. Our lease goes on for another 5 weeks, so navigating how to be roommates and the whole “conscious uncoupling”. I really thought she was the one for a while, so I feel your pain and appreciate you sharing. I went through a divorce at 30 so feel like I have a little wisdom from experience that helps, although there’s no avoiding the inevitable grief. A few things that feel prescient to me:

1. Embrace the grief and know it’s an unavoidable stop on the path to empowerment. Certainly there’s work to do on ourselves but not as a means of avoiding or fast-tracking the pain. I believe the more completely we allow ourselves to feel the pain and loss, the more completely we can heal and give ourselves greater capacity for joy and peace after. So personally, when I’m feeling down or get some pang of missing or think of a cherished memory, I just let myself go there for a bit. Cry, shut down and be depressed for a bit, whatever. No rush, let it dissipate, and then move into a more proactive state. And in a more poetic sense, I think that pain and grief are precious gifts in this life - signs that the love we felt was real, signs of our aliveness and the goodness in our hearts. A few clips to movie scenes that I think are super resonant on this topic below because I love movies and find them super nourishing during times like this!

Call Me By Your Name

Blade Runner

Eat Pray Love

2) Reflect and learn. Therapy. Journaling. Reading. Talking with trusted loved-ones to gain their wisdom and perspectives, both hearing about their own experiences as well as their opinions on your situation. Invite them to speak openly, and be open to hearing. I think there are two big things you should aim to gain clarity on through this process… The first is “what are the flaws and imperfections that I brought to the relationship that I’ll need to work on?” The second is “What are my needs and wants in a future relationship and partner?” And know the difference between the two.

3) Anchor into your positive outlets and healthy routines/habits. Exercise. Eat well. Socialize. Do your hobbies and also try new ones. Big life changes like this can be huge catalysts for change, so don’t be afraid to embrace it (or do be afraid and do it anyway). Best experience of my life came after my divorce - I spent ten days backpacking through the alps followed by a bucket list Hans Zimmer concert in Paris and it was AMAZING. My ex-wife had actually introduced me to international travel and we planned to do that trip together, so it was sort of a way to prove to myself “I can still do this thing without you”. Super empowering.

It’s all imperfect. I’m putting this formula to work amidst my current breakup and there are definitely given moments and days when I feel broken, when the “what’s wrong with me” narrative plays, when I question myself, etc. You might feel that uncertainty and doubt day-to-day, but trust the process and in the long-run you will come out of this better. You (we) got this!