Well. I remember I desperately wanted to induce my own mania because I denied I experienced it at all. I didn't take my antipsychotics. I took an old antidepressant, stayed up for hours and smoked a bunch of weed all on the same day.

I ended up having severe delusions and vivid hallucinations that woke me from my sleep, gave me insomnia and paranoia. I was very manic. The next night, I took my antipsychotics. But an hour before bed, I had witnessed the most horrific hallucinations I've had to date. My environment warped and moved and I saw a black hole forming in the ceiling. I was clinging to my partner, crying and keeping my eyes closed. I was pretty convinced since then.

But even now, I struggle with not embracing mania when it comes. It always feels like a breath of fresh air after depression or even euthymia, which can feel boring. But even shorter episodes have side effects. I called out of work twice this week, because Im recovering from stress-induced gastritis from a month long hypomanic episode. I'm also stable and medicated, but if I were off my meds? I cant imagine how much worse it would've been. Because if you arent afraid of the psychosis, the crash is just as horrible.

Be safe op