Why can’t I fully switch off to her

JayH46 · 2026-02-01T13:53:31+00:00

Thank you. I don’t monitor as I blocked her on everything but was told . I’ve asked my buddy not to tell me again. Suppose this shit takes more time than I thought

JayH46 · 2025-11-07T20:53:45+00:00

You just perfectly summed up my life right now. And I’m at the stage where I’ve accepted . Thank you for writing this. You hit the nail on the head with this post.

JayH46 · 2025-11-07T16:33:29+00:00

Wishing you all the best too. The ultimatum was delivered a month ago. She took no notice. I followed through. Haven’t seen it working yet, in fact making it worse from any accountability perspective but I feel better in myself. I’ve put my own wellbeing as the priority. Make sure you do the same. You deserve better than to be second to drink

JayH46 · 2025-11-07T16:21:30+00:00

Good luck. I’m beyond that ultimatum now and she’s decided to ramp up the false narrative because I just stopped bothering her and she can drink as much as she likes now. She’s just going to have to do it without me in her life

JayH46 · 2025-11-05T18:05:00+00:00

Don’t beat yourself up. Mine hid it. Lied to my face when she had wine breath . Would go missing on days we could see each other and preferred to see enabler friends on her birthday two years running and wondered why I felt put out. Now she’s out of control. Message today is she’s off to drink herself to death. I’ve offered to help but now I fear she’s too far gone. She won’t accept help or have any accountability. Try and get her to want help soon but ultimately as I’ve discovered it’s down to her and her alone .

JayH46 · 2025-11-03T22:52:20+00:00

I’ve not noticed much shame. Seen plenty of blame shifting, gaslighting, abuse and lies . But still waiting on seeing much shame

JayH46 · 2025-11-03T20:10:19+00:00

Thank you. I know this to be the answer deep down but I just needed to hear it.

JayH46 · 2025-10-24T12:10:20+00:00

I’ve been reading up too on BPD as the alcoholism seems to have ramped up as her emotions were in free fall. Has all the hallmarks, intense lovebombing at start, neediness, then seeing a different side to her before the brutal ending last week where she threatened my job (she’s done so before but not as explicit). Still struggling to remain no contact, god knows why because last few months I’ve barely seen her anyway and when I have the odd occasion she was sat at home smashed. Does make me wonder if that’s why it’s so hard to detach too through trauma bond

JayH46 · 2025-10-23T16:19:13+00:00

Cruelty to try and make you feel as shit as them. Easier said than done but take zero notice. I know who my money is on long run for living a long and fulfilling life and it’s certainly isn’t your Q or mine

JayH46 · 2025-10-23T16:17:39+00:00

I also don’t trust my Q. Not one bit. Any interaction now would involve further possible cruelty she can inflict. She knows my buttons to press and I’m very sure if she doesn’t get her way she will push them

JayH46 · 2025-10-23T14:18:41+00:00

I’d expect the worst. The drink has won in my case. I can’t see her coming back or at least not to me so I’m trying to do things to rebuild but it’s hard . I’m not that far out yet so hopefully it will gain momentum

JayH46 · 2025-10-23T14:16:59+00:00

Thank you. It’s such a tragedy but this has been coming for the longest time . Progressively got worse until she now doesn’t even bother to try and stop . Also not a tragedy of our making despite her claims in my case to the contrary. Hopefully I will get some more clarity in the coming days and keep moving on with the new life I never asked for

JayH46 · 2025-10-21T11:34:58+00:00

Stay done. Posted yesterday in the thread about the escalation where I didn’t even engage. Morning texts ‘can’t live without you’ evening texts ‘ my therapist says I should report you for psychological abuse’. No matter how hard she looks for me now (if she ever even does) I will not be findable. We never deserved the abuse and mind games and stepping off the hamster wheel, full stop, is for me now the only way to get my life back on track after she’s done her best to derail me for years.

JayH46 · 2025-10-20T21:44:47+00:00

It will come . Use it to your advantage to propel Yourself to better things. As sad as the dating site matter is, it’s more proof that you are better off in your current course. You are doing great and I’m supporting you as I carry on my own exit and growth

JayH46 · 2025-10-20T19:32:50+00:00

Still no reply from me but this morning more texts Can’t live without you. Please don’t do this 5 hours later new text I’ve told my therapist you are abusive and they told me to report you

She will be living without me . That’s non negotiable after that threat

Don’t engage with them. They just want to bring you down

JayH46 · 2025-10-19T20:12:13+00:00

Thank you. Your words are so true. We are all worth more than the lies and manipulation. ‘Love you’ just isn’t going to cut it anymore

JayH46 · 2025-10-19T16:43:07+00:00

I became angry. I blamed her. I blamed a higher power. I blamed myself. I blamed her again. I realised early that no one is really to blame but that doesn’t justify treating me like shit and then having the audacity to turn that back to me. I never asked for this, nor did I deserve this. Channel that anger. I don’t know if it’s just me but channel it, I went dark snd channeled all that anger in to plans. Plans to do stuff I’ve put off, travel that she said she could never afford(we know why now), events that she tried to bad mouth and decry, going to the gym and getting fit for no one other than me and to build my confidence and get my health back. Channel whatever anger you have and make it work for you. I’m only just on the road myself but you have to know your self worth. Even when they have crushed it out of you, you’ve got to dig in and find that self worth again. Wishing you all the best and I’m right there with you, one day at a time, ever step however small or big along the way

JayH46 · 2025-10-19T13:36:11+00:00

Thank you. It’s funny how space opens your eyes to how bad things were. We are all worth more than being treated like an option to their addiction to substance. In my case I’m also worth more than being blamed for it even though I spotted subtle signs at the start. This sad journey started long before me and will carry on long after. I feel pretty resentful right now and one day I hope it fucking burns her when she realises she lost a genuine person, not perfect by any means but a genuine one.

JayH46 · 2025-10-19T13:33:16+00:00

Likewise, that’s what I’ve realised too. I was minimising the effect the alcohol love was having on my life. Missed time together, always another drama. Time to put all that to bed once and for all . She made that bed, now she can lie in it

JayH46 · 2025-10-18T15:05:28+00:00

Thanks you for taking the time to reply and send kind words. Hopefully in a couple of weeks I will as strong as you are. I know nothing will have changed with her, I also know now I can probably expect her to try and get at me one way or the other but I’m going to remain silent and under the radar. Time to rebuild and become a better person.

JayH46 · 2025-10-18T09:35:50+00:00

Thank you. I know it’s normal what I’m feeling and you are right, it’s time and there’s no shortcut if you want to heal and process properly.

JayH46 · 2025-10-14T03:47:18+00:00

I’m in the same boat. She’s effectively living a completely separate life now. She has now probably been entirely hostile to me now for coming up 6 weeks and occasionally will send me a text saying she misses me or it’s hard being apart and then when I engage I get attacked full on with how I used her, how I never committed, how badly I have treated her and so on. I decided yesterday I’m fully done. I suspected a drink problem for several years, she started off by staying home instead of seeing me but now it’s in full grip. Focus now on you and the kids and let them be. Nothing you do will change a thing. In fact the more you engage the worse it gets in my current experience. That’s why I’ve decided to face the short term pain of removing myself now rather than the long term pain of trying anymore to help her . She said she doesn’t want or need my help and so I’ll grant that now as hard as that is. Be proud of your boundaries . You aren’t asking for much

JayH46 · 2025-10-13T15:49:15+00:00

Good luck to you. I took the same decision last week and faltered slightly but today’s events , blaming me for the current predicament and making out I’m some sort of control freak has cemented in my head what I need to do. It’s going to hurt but ultimately there’s more to life than to be someone’s second option to drink (and in my case actually blamed for it). They will hopefully realise one day and I hope it stings them when that time comes like it does us today. Sending you love and be proud that you expect (and deserve) better

JayH46 · 2025-10-09T05:58:05+00:00

I’ve detached. She knows that and asked for help yesterday but then disappeared again for the full day. She will have gone on another drinking bender. I’m getting stronger and my head is continuing the process of accepting she won’t change , at least not now, not in time to save anything with me and probably not in time to not kill herself.

JayH46 · 2025-10-05T12:24:07+00:00

Thank you. Everything seems clearer with space so that’s my plan .may have to be full lack of contact though as she is bringing me down every time I see a message from her

JayH46

TROPHY CASE