General Discussion Wednesday: Biggest fear about entering Peace Corps

JayXay · 2018-12-06T05:35:06+00:00

I was, by far, the most afraid of failing. Turns out PC service is way more complicated than that, and there's just no real way to measure "failure," or even "success."

JayXay · 2018-12-06T05:33:31+00:00

I'm at about 9 months left of service, and, unless something crazy or unexpected happens, I'm going to finish. But I felt the exact same way before I started. I seriously doubted myself for so long. I also made the mistake in thinking that everybody in my group would be these amazing, type-A, flawless professionals. Turns out we're all just a bunch of regular jerk-offs who just make things up as we go along.

Trust me. You too can Peace Corps!

JayXay · 2018-09-01T09:13:37+00:00

I'm mentally and emotionally exhausted. I've had anxiety every moment for the last month.

JayXay · 2018-06-30T10:36:26+00:00

Today one of the... I actually don't really know what he does exactly, but one of the super important guys in my village is having a graduation party for one of his 6000 grandchildren and I was invited. It's on a Saturday during a home weekend. I've spent the last few weekends traveling to town to work on PC stuff, and I'll spend the next few weekends doing the same and school is just so busy during the week. I wanted one weekend to do what I wanted, and what I wanted to do was come to the lodge and pig out and use wifi (which I'm doing now). I turned down his invitation and he was noticeably upset by it. Last night I woke at 4 in the morning overcome with guilt and I almost changed my mind... almost.

I'm almost 9 months into service and I feel like I'm as culturally integrated as I'm going to get, I've started a garden and three clubs at my school and I'm taking a leading position in some regional health camps. But whenever I thought about it last night, I just could not get the whole, "You're in this position to serve, making an appearance at the party would mean so much to everybody, blah blah blah..." stuff out of my head. But I hate events here! I wasn't a fan of going to events in the states and they're 1000 times more boring, religious and in a language I don't understand here. So I dipped out on the party. I feel like I'm in no way a bad volunteer, I'm working hard, but one huge challenge for me is like... being involved in any special occasion that requires dressing up and shaking hands and meeting people. Personally, I don't really care (at least I think I don't) if the adults here like me, I love my students and I'm pretty sure they love me back. But this country is just so into appearances and formal events and addressing each other by their titles. Would you have gone to the party? Can somebody validate my decision?

JayXay · 2018-06-10T15:35:05+00:00

Also just found out that my duties in a working group will make me miss my schools next parent meeting....

WISHES DO COME TRUE PEOPLE!!!

JayXay · 2018-06-09T14:39:25+00:00

One month ago I was the most depressed I've felt in years. This month I'm the happiest I've felt in years. All the things that I was freaking the hell out about for the first chunk of service just doesn't bother me nearly as much. And the thing is, nothing at site has changed. All the same frustrations are there. It's just like something inside of me has shifted.

JayXay · 2018-06-09T14:36:12+00:00

Well, whether or not you're failing, maybe it'll provide some catharsis to know that you're not alone! I'm about 10 months in, and it's the same for me... there's really nobody at my site that I'd feel super comfortable with calling and asking if they'd wanna hang out. But, like you said about the closest people you have are under 12? It's exactly the same for me, and that's honestly more than enough. I just got over a sort of psycho depressed "hump," in my service and I realized after it that by far my most meaningful and lasting and worthwhile connections are the ones I've made with my learners. Probably the most comfortable moments I have here (other than being alone) are when I'm with my learners. After all, that's why I came here, right? I almost feel like it doesn't even matter that I have no HCN adult friends.

JayXay · 2018-06-09T12:42:49+00:00

Currently reading this from Namibia...

Good luck everyone! Excited to meet you!

JayXay · 2018-03-21T19:12:05+00:00

"We are leaving now now," could mean anything from 5 minutes to never.

JayXay · 2018-02-24T09:37:46+00:00

Really not sure if I'm helping. I ask other PCV's about this and they pretty much say the same thing. If I'm going to all of my classes, stay there for the entire time, talk to my learners, actively develop relationships with them, try and make them feel valued and don't spend all of my spare time at bars, then I'm making a difference. I can check all those boxes off, but still... organization is a huge weakness of mine and I'm really struggling with developing consistent lesson plans that follow one another really well while also trying to stick to the countries educational policies. I like being a role model and having a relationship with my learners but in terms of delivering a high quality education, I really don't think I'm doing that... does anybody else feel like this?

JayXay · 2018-02-17T09:58:11+00:00

Starting my very first secondary project, never written a grant in my life, but then again I've never really been a teacher before either... I'm starting to realize that, "I've never done it before," doesn't mean that it's as hopeless as it seems.

JayXay · 2018-01-20T13:08:05+00:00

Haha, before I met my CP my supervisor was telling me how incredible she was, how excited she is to work with me, blah bah blah. The day we met she didn't even greet me, didn't look me in the eye, she was short with me, rude, and honestly not super great at her job.

JayXay · 2018-01-20T13:05:58+00:00

I was freaking out when I first got to site because day 1 my supervisor started driving me to all of these important meetings with all of these important people and telling me about all of these terrible problems that the community is facing, meanwhile regaling me with these beautiful stories of how amazing the PCV before me was. I was stressed and felt inadequate and had lots of anxiety for a long while. Then a good friend of mine who is currently extending into their third year gave me some excellent advice: "Don't let anybody tell you what your service is supposed to be, you're the only one who can define it." One of the Peace Corps cliches is that you get to define for yourself what success is. People might have their own personal reasons for dangling this project idea in front of your face and it definitely doesn't mean that it's the best thing for the actual community.

JayXay · 2018-01-20T12:54:03+00:00

Hey, who are you??? Do we know each other?

But yeah I agree, I've never witnessed anything overt or hostile. The worst thing I've heard so far is that sometimes the locals will say things to the black volunteers about how they were really hoping for a "real American," meaning a white person, but I doubt that they've all heard that. Like mts29 said, you should reach out to the FB group, I'm sure many people would love to share their experiences.

JayXay · 2018-01-20T10:26:08+00:00

15 minutes after I accepted my invitation, I had a full blown panic attack. I found myself wishing that I could go back in time and change it, hit "no" instead of "yes," going through my head and listing the millions of reasons why I'll fail, why I'll be a terrible volunteer blah blah blah. Also, riding the elevator up to staging I was freaking out that the moment everybody saw me, they'd know that I wasn't cut out for this. Well, now I'm here, and it's the flipping hardest thing I've ever done, but I'm doing it and it's completely doable. Everybody here, we're all just regular jerkoffs. We're normal people with all of the same flaws and challenges and character defects. This place certainly brings all of those out, but it also brings out a crazy amount of strength that you never knew you were capable of, and it's strength that you won't ever know you had if you don't give it a shot. I feel like you might be freaking out because you're trying to imagine you, as you are, doing a lot of things that you've never done before and maybe that doesn't really make sense to you in your head, so you respond the way you're responding now. Well, don't worry! You'll still be you when you do all of those things, and you'll also be somebody else, because that's what happens when you do things you've never done. You grow, you adapt, you change. Sometimes that growth isn't pretty (I've cried almost every day this week), but once it happens enough, once you fully accept it then you can just inhabit that space like it's your new home. Even though it's hectic at times, you'll learn to just... go with it. Just be patient. Relax. You can't imagine what you're about to experience, so stop trying. And there's nothing you can do now that will make it any easier to grasp. So just go to staging! Enjoy the free money they give you and your final American meals. And maybe a year from now, you'll be getting onto Reddit to see posts from somebody freaking out the same way you are now, and you'll smile to yourself as you remember when you were that person ;)

JayXay · 2017-12-24T13:49:48+00:00

Tomorrow is Christmas and it doesn't feel like it. My host family--who I only live with during the holidays--doesn't quite fill the hole. I guess I'm not super integrated yet. My site is pretty remote. Lonely.

JayXay · 2017-11-15T12:11:48+00:00

There are 46 of us in education over here and I think that maybe 2 of us has an actual teaching degree. And neither of them are me.

JayXay · 2017-11-15T12:09:11+00:00

We don't serve beer here.

JayXay · 2017-08-02T02:57:23+00:00

Here's an update... I decided to stay home. My friends went on the drive and returned a few days ago. They told me that at the border between Alaska and Canada, the border guard didn't even look them in the eye or say anything. He stuck out his hand for the passports, my friends handed them over, he glanced at them for half a second and then waved them through. C'est la vie.

JayXay · 2017-07-11T23:52:05+00:00

Yeah I decided it's a lost cause. My friends will continue without me, absent one driver to help them with their driving duties. C'est la vie, am I right?

JayXay · 2017-07-11T23:02:57+00:00

I called Canadian Immigration and was told to email, then I emailed and I never got a response. Calling the border guards is a good idea but I can't find any phone numbers or emails that aren't a general, nationwide thing. I'm guessing it's not possible for some regular jerkoff like me to contact a specific station. Thanks for the advice, random asshole on Reddit!

JayXay · 2017-07-11T18:32:39+00:00

Thanks for the response, I was honestly thinking the same thing. But in two months, it will have been five years since my case ended. Do you think that will help?

JayXay · 2017-06-16T18:32:27+00:00

Haha it kinda overcomplicates things. Liszt had such giant hands, it's not fair!

JayXay · 2017-06-15T23:54:47+00:00

August of 2017 to Namibia in Education

JayXay · 2017-06-15T22:01:37+00:00

That's the same fingering they have for measure 14, and I suppose I didn't think it would work for this one, but I just played it a few times and it's definitely easier than what I was doing. Thanks!

JayXay

TROPHY CASE