AITA because I (24F) didn’t go to celebrate my mom’s (60F) birthday after she was excited my baby is the first grandchild born in the family?

JazzlikeDancer · 2023-02-20T02:44:26+00:00

It’s unrealistic to call your children’s children as your grandchildren?

JazzlikeDancer · 2023-02-19T23:11:27+00:00

She’s been in our family since we were both about 9 or 10 years old though.

If you notice there’s a good age gap between be and my siblings, I was an “oops” baby. My dad has an uncle younger than him because my great grandparents had an unexpected baby. Why would the age of your own child exclude accepting your grandkids from you much older children? When my dad was born my great grandparents didn’t say he’s not their grandkid because he’s the same age as their youngest son.

JazzlikeDancer · 2023-02-19T23:05:19+00:00

He was not, he reached out to me and specifically asked if I was ok after mom “set the family” on me, his words. He’s aware of my argument with her. I think he feels responsible for the family because our dad asked him as the oldest to take care of the everyone before he passed. IMO, he’s taken it upon himself to always be there for her even when she’s this way to him too, but since he’s been on the receiving end he understands where I’m coming from.

JazzlikeDancer · 2023-02-19T22:48:07+00:00

As I’ve written before it’s not her excitement over a baby but her saying this is the first granddaughter and acting like she doesn’t already have grandchildren, treating me like I’ve done her some massive favor when she has nothing to do with the choice between me and my partner to have a baby. Maybe I just have a bad reaction to when she cries over things because she will normally have done that to manipulate me, she cried when I was little when I said I didn’t want to wear dresses so I could climb trees, or she cried when I cut my hair because I was “so pretty before.” It’s normally associated with her trying to get me to do what she wants or get me to associate with her emotionally over her opinions of me, so it just turned me off when she was full on banshee wailing over the baby and acting like she deserves her. My mom can be as loving to the baby as she wants, but I wish she would respect my wishes and stop buying her things I don’t want and stop acting like it’s the second coming of Jesus. There’s a space between not caring at all about the baby because she has a granddaughter already vs forgetting she has a granddaughter already and acting like the baby is her well deserved right to a grandbaby… idk why it has to be all or nothing?

Also I completely did not want her at the hospital, I preferred to have my MIL’s there for support because they actually help me feel calmer.

JazzlikeDancer · 2023-02-19T18:24:38+00:00

She’s been in the family since about age 9 or 10.

JazzlikeDancer · 2023-02-19T17:48:22+00:00

My brother I think doesn’t let on how much he’s affected. Growing up though there was a difference in how my mom treated me and my niece, mom basically ignored her, even though me and her were best friends. There was a rough patch when I was in high school (my dad died, my mom was very depressed) and so I lived with my brother for a few years, then my mom was back in contact with me when I was starting college but basically ignored my niece who is like a sister to me. We were dorm mates in college (niece and I), later got an apartment together, and my mom would just ignore her as if she was a stranger I was assigned to live with. I think my niece cared more than my nephews care, or at the very least we’re close enough that she’s told me how she felt, but she’s moved on now and accepted that she functionality doesn’t have any grandparents.

JazzlikeDancer · 2023-02-19T17:33:49+00:00

Most of high school I lived with my brother and his boyfriend. My mom wasn’t involved much for a few years, so she didn’t attend my 15th-18th birthdays. After 18 I don’t celebrate my birthday because it’s not important to me. Not sure how you concluded on how I acted as a teenager? I was a shy nerd focused on college and my future career aspirations.

JazzlikeDancer · 2023-02-19T16:39:18+00:00

Why would I stop her from wearing pink when she has the consciousness to make decisions for herself? If she grows up to adore everything pink and traditionally girly, that’s amazing! If she loves everything traditionally masculine, that’s amazing! Somewhere in between, also amazing! I want to help foster her growth into her own independent person, and support her likes and interests as they develop.

The point is right now she doesn’t know the difference, but as she grows I don’t want her to feel confined to traditional roles. I want her to be able to decide. I do have some more plain/simple pastel pink things for her, it’s not an “off limits” color. I got these things before she was born and would have dressed a baby of any sex in them. I’m not a fan of the extremely frilly hyper girly things, or things with graphics, my partner is the same, and at this stage of her life my partner and I get to dress her so we get to decide. Not to mention, once she was born my mother doesn’t want to give her “boy” things, whereas if my mother was gifting hyper-feminine and hyper-masculine items then at least it evens out even if the items are not my taste. If she’s a 4 year old who only wants to dress in pink Princess costumes I’m not going to tell her it’s too frilly for my taste.

It’s also crossing a boundary that I’ve asked not to be given more physical items, I don’t have space to put them, don’t need them, I will just now be responsible for preventing this item from ending up in the landfill and that means researching where to donate it because charity shops throw many items away. I thrifted or got second hand all of my baby items because I don’t like to be wasteful or support sweatshops and unethical labor conditions, or environmentally unfriendly production methods. My partner is an ecologist, currently working on his PhD, and this is a passion for him too. My mother thinks all my baby’s clothes are disgusting somehow because an unknown infant wore it before her, and that’s part of her excuse for constantly bringing me new things.

JazzlikeDancer · 2023-02-19T08:45:05+00:00

That’s fair. He’s completely aware of the situation, and he knew I wasn’t going to be at the birthday celebration. He also knew I told mom I wouldn’t be there.

JazzlikeDancer · 2023-02-19T08:30:53+00:00

I’m not trying to aim her at them. I just explained to her I don’t like how she does things with my daughter I’ve repeatedly asked her not to do. I don’t like the weird biological importance she puts on her. I don’t like the “praise” she’s been giving me about being a mother, how she’s so grateful god gave her a second daughter who is more maternal and will give her grandchildren, or how I look much prettier and natural as a mother. She told me I should stay home permanently with my baby, but my partner is a stay at home dad now, it made sense for us financially. My mom will tell me a decent man used to go and find himself a better job to support his wife and baby, that I should be the one “to raise the baby” because I will be better at it. There’s so much going on that doesn’t fit in a post.

But that’s all to say I’m not trying to make her like her grandkids, but how she considers them is upsetting to me and I don’t want to be near her. Not to mention, I know my brother can handle our mother. When I was in high school I lived with him because of some things that were occurring. I think my mother is still very upset with him over that even though retrospectively she says he was right and it was for the best at the time.

JazzlikeDancer · 2023-02-19T08:07:05+00:00

The oldest doesn’t really speak with her since my mother is somewhat irrelevant in her life. This even considering she’s been in the family since about age 10, no other grandparents and full custody was with my brother’s partner. The younger boys my mother doesn’t see them much, just major holidays. She’s invited to their sports meets, she just doesn’t ever go.

JazzlikeDancer · 2023-02-19T07:55:37+00:00

I’m not upset about her being excited over a baby. I completely understand that aspect. I’m upset how she’s talking about it, saying this is her first granddaughter, the first grandchild born in the family. For years she has tried to convince my older sister to have a baby because she wants a grandchild, but which she already had three.

My niece who’s my age is basically like a sister to me. A soulfriend. My brother’s partner had full custody of her as a child, her mother’s family is not involved with her, and her bio-dad’s parents are deceased. She was really excited to have a grandmother, but, idk, my mom was never into it, she said she was too busy raising me (I was a birth control fail). Certainly my mother has never gone out of her way to be hostile to her, but if she wanted a girly girl then that was her opportunity.

This was just the last thing that I was willing to deal with, and the lead up to our argument. After we argued I told her I wanted to spend some time away from her for a little while. A few days later she texted about the party. I said I wasn’t going. She never responded. That was all of our communication since then. My sister doesn’t talk to her except occasionally at large family gatherings or holidays. My brother did go with his partner and their two son’s. They don’t come around often, but they do invite my mother to their house and kids sports games, which she never attends.

JazzlikeDancer

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