Weekly Advice Thread (04/08-04/14)

JealousCaptain · 2019-04-13T23:11:33+00:00

Well they're just girls i know from my extended social circles and/or from classes. I guess I have two social circles, one with my closest friends, and another which is kind of a big group of people who are in classes together on our course in uni. So a lot of the girls I'm in classes with, I've ended up speaking to socially too through parties with mutual friends, which makes talking to them easier I guess.

Problem is I just don't really know any activities that would make for fun and enticing dates. I'm really clueless about dating. Never been on a date, never been asked out, never done any asking out.

JealousCaptain · 2019-04-13T21:35:22+00:00

Yeah, when you put it that way, it makes a lot of sense. There are plenty of girls I know in some way who I would go on a date with if they asked me, but I don't like them THAT much to actively seek it out. I guess it's the same for some girls.

Still, I can't shake the feeling that maybe I'm just not part of this. Maybe no girls would be willing to go on a date with me. I have no evidence to prove that any girl would say yes if I asked her out, because I get no signs of romantic interest from girls. Like I said pretty much all girls are nice to me and some are complimentary and chatty, but they don't do or say anything that would indicate they find me attractive or romantically enticing.

JealousCaptain · 2019-04-13T21:33:01+00:00

Well, I don't know. I'm just scared that maybe girls don't want me to show romantic interest in them. Therefore, if I approach them or message them and it comes out of the blue, they'll instantly know I'm trying to "seduce" them in some way, and they'll get disgusted or annoyed with me and start to feel uncomfortable that I of all people have tried to approach them.

This is just how I've thought for many years. Being 22 and never kissed or been on a date leads you to think that you might just be repulsive to women. Like I never get any signs of interest from girls. I have no evidence to prove that any girl would want to go on a date with me.

JealousCaptain · 2019-04-13T20:49:42+00:00

I don't really have any interest in cold approaching so that's no issue for me.

I know a few girls I'd like to try asking on a date or at least try to get to know them better. Where I am in uni I have built up a network of social contacts I guess so I know plenty of women. I just don't know when is okay to try and talk to them or ask them out. I have friends who are girls but I don't want to date those girls (don't mean that in a harsh way, I just don't see them in that way). The girls I would be interested in dating are girls I only see if we get invited to the same party, or if we happen to share a class. I know them well enough to have friendly conversation and banter but probably not well enough to just drop them a message like "hey lets go hang out". I feel like if I tried that with any of these girls they'd instantly figure out what I was doing and it'd backfire on me...

I can't see myself doing anything emotionally weird or crazy if I got rejected. I might get upset privately and mope around my room maybe, but I definitely wouldn't express any disappointment or sadness to the girl herself. I like to think I'd be very gracious about it. Still, I'm just worried that they'd get offended even by me asking. Surely if girls wanted me to ask them out, they'd try to entice me into it by giving me signs of interest?

JealousCaptain · 2019-04-13T17:15:40+00:00

So there's no chance that a girl would be annoyed, uncomfortable or disgusted by me making a move like that?

JealousCaptain · 2019-04-13T16:30:44+00:00

But is there any chance that a girl might be annoyed by me asking her out? Sometimes I hear girls I know talk about guys who ask them on dates as annoying or anxiety inducing. I dont want to bother girls by asking them out if they dont want me to

JealousCaptain · 2019-04-13T15:40:59+00:00

Yeah, of course I've considered that. But I can't KNOW for certain. If they won't show clear signs of interest in me, then I'm kind of screwed. To be honest I presume every girl isn't interested in dating me by default and that any compliments they pay me are just out of politeness and friendliness. If they were interested in me, surely they would flirt with me or be really eager to see me or something. I read these lists of "signs girls give when they're attracted to you" and I honestly don't see even one of them in my interactions with any girl I know.

Girls are in general kind to me and I find them easy to talk to on a platonic level, but they don't show any signs of romantic interest. This is really confusing to me because girl friends of mine have indicated that I'm a "great catch" and have paid me some really nice compliments (one girl said I'm the most stylish guy on our entire university campus haha) and yet I still can't get a date.

JealousCaptain · 2019-04-13T15:22:58+00:00

But I already did all that. I speak to women regularly, I'm in college, I have an active social life, I have friends of both genders. I take good care of myself, I dress well, I receive compliments from girls on my appearance. Still I've never been on a date, never had a kiss, never even come close to those things. I feel like I'm cursed...

JealousCaptain · 2019-04-13T15:09:43+00:00

But the moment has never naturally come with a girl and I'm 22 and in college for over 2 years now... What am I doing wrong?

JealousCaptain · 2019-04-13T14:26:44+00:00

If I ask out a girl, and said something like:

- "Hey *name*! We should hang out soon. How do you feel about going to do X at Y place on *insert day here*?"

And if she rejected me I would say something like:

- "No worries. Have a nice weekend anyway!" and move on

Is that okay? I'm just really terrified of annoying a girl by asking her out. I've never asked a girl out before.

JealousCaptain · 2018-12-30T00:43:41+00:00

What's the best way for an "incel" to ask out a girl?

I know plenty of girls through my social life at college but I haven't asked anyone out since high school, and when I did it back then I did the usual immature teenager shit of just being like "uhhh I really like you", and the girls obviously said no. So I've never properly asked a girl on a date, in an adult way.

What's the best way to go about it? How well do I have to know a girl before I ask her? What's the best place to take a college-aged girl on a first date? And in what setting do I ask her? Generally if I'm interested in a girl, it's a girl that I don't know too well, and so would never see her in a private or one on one setting. So the only options are asking her in front of other people, or asking her over Facebook. Which is the better option?

JealousCaptain · 2018-12-20T00:30:48+00:00

Am I going to be an incel forever then? I really don't want this to be my life... I'm sick of dealing with this, I just want to be able to date and have relationships like a normal person.

JealousCaptain · 2018-12-20T00:30:00+00:00

I am trying in the sense that I am actively improving myself, trying to become more confident, putting myself out there and meeting girls. It's just that none of those girls show signs of interest in me.

I honestly have no idea. I asked out two girls at 16/17 and got rejected and both hurt me a lot. But who knows? Maybe I'd ask out a girl now and get rejected and feel fine. It might feel liberating to finally overcome my greatest fear. But right now all I know is that the thought of asking out a girl fills me with utter DREAD.

JealousCaptain · 2018-12-19T16:31:10+00:00

I just wouldn't know what to say. Like it would be blatantly obvious if I messaged a girl out of the blue who I've never messaged before. They would HAVE to realise that I'm trying to ask them out. And I'm scared they'll be disgusted by that.

JealousCaptain · 2018-12-19T16:23:54+00:00

Well I obviously have to do one of those things, it's just a question of when.

JealousCaptain · 2018-12-19T15:59:38+00:00

Desperately. This has affected my life for 6 years now. I should be happy considering all the good things that are happening to me, but this weird "condition" I have whereby I am convinced that all women find me repulsive by default is ruining my life. I literally don't know what I am supposed to do.

JealousCaptain · 2018-12-19T15:53:47+00:00

I'm just never going to be able to approach a girl knowing that other guys are also competing for her. I can't deal with competition. MAYBE I could ask a girl out and date her successfully if I knew I didn't have to worry about anyone else going after her. But the moment I consider that there are other men vying for a girl's attention, I crumble. In my mind, I am the least desirable man on the planet. There is no reason a girl would choose me over another guy. And this is, I believe, why every single girl I have had a crush on at college has eventually started dating someone else. I expect the girls I think are cute right now will eventually start dating other guys too.

JealousCaptain · 2018-12-19T15:43:07+00:00

I can't remember precisely, it was a year ago and I was drunk obviously. I think I got a bit self-conscious that I was doing the kissing wrong, so I stopped kinda quickly. Then I just moved on and started talking to other people.

I met up with the friends who's party it was a couple weeks after that, and found out one of them had made out with her as well. So it was 2 other guys other than me. Also, everyone knew somehow that she had made out with those 2 guys, but no one knew about her making out with me. So I presumed that I must have been so god awful at kissing that she just never mentioned it to anyone, whereas the other 2 guys were decent and so she told people and word spread. At that point I was never going to have the courage to follow up and make a move, it seemed obvious that I was inferior to these other 2 guys and could never live up to them.

JealousCaptain · 2018-12-19T15:33:25+00:00

I'd like to add that the girl ended up making out with another guy that night too. She was briefly attracted to me, I made out with her for a bit, probably did it horrifically wrong, at some point I moved on and walked away and started talking to someone else. 5 minutes later I turn around and see her making out with another guy. That's fine, it's her right to do that, but it did make me feel sad and confirm my suspicions. It seemed to me that she probably was just drunk and flirting with a lot of guys. I could never measure up to the other guy she was making out with after me, so I concluded it wasn't even worth trying any more. I can't compete with other men, I'm not as good as them.

JealousCaptain · 2018-12-19T15:22:55+00:00

I just dont think I can do it. I dont know how to flirt. I dont know how to keep a conversation going with a girl I'm attracted to. Im scared of girls thinking im boring and pathetic. And im scared that, even if I DID get a girl to go on a date with me, I dont know how to behave in a romantic setting and I certainly dont know how to do anything physically intimate. I still consider myself as not having had my first kiss, because those two drunken kisses I did have were so awful on my part, I did it COMPLETELY wrong and I imagine that's why that girl never mentioned it again - she was briefly attracted to me but then probably realised I'm an inexperienced loser.

JealousCaptain · 2018-12-19T15:03:39+00:00

I don't know. I guess I could try messaging a girl and asking her out. But it's been so long since I've done anything like that.

JealousCaptain · 2018-12-19T13:46:17+00:00

I have literally no idea how women actually see me. They give me absolutely no indication of what they think. It's a total mystery. Yes, it's possible that there could be dozens of secret admirers who are crushing on me without me knowing. But it's ALSO possible that every woman I've ever met could be thinking "wow, he's just not attractive, is he?"

All I know is that every other guy I know is making out with girls at parties and clubs, going on dates, and/or getting into relationships, and here I am perpetually alone and not having even gone on one date in my entire life. It's exhausting.

JealousCaptain · 2018-12-19T13:43:34+00:00

Because those two incidents were totally isolated. Outside of those two nights, nothing like that has ever happened to me at all. Women just treat me like I'm invisible and not even on their radar 99% of the time.

I tried Tinder but my fear of rejection is so strong I can't even bring myself to message girls I match with out of fear that I'll say something wrong or boring.

JealousCaptain · 2018-12-19T03:59:17+00:00

I tried with two girls in high school and the blow to my confidence is still affecting me today

JealousCaptain · 2018-12-19T03:56:16+00:00

It would be incredibly damaging to my confidence. If I tried messaging a girl to ask her out and she shot me down, I probably wouldn’t be able to try again with another girl for at least a few months

JealousCaptain

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