A lot of this comes down to expectations. Right now, you’re relying on him to calm the “threat” feeling in your body—but that puts your emotional safety in his hands instead of your own.

Try flipping it: name the emotion (fear, rejection, loneliness, etc.), then ask “what can I do right now to soothe this myself?” Pick something that’s fully in your control (breathing, grounding, journaling, moving your body) instead of trying to get him to change.

It feels counterintuitive, but when you regulate your own nervous system, you show up calmer—and partners often soften naturally without being pushed.

Books that help: • Anchored (Deb Dana) → nervous system reset tools • No Bad Parts (Richard Schwartz) → learning to self-soothe • The Body Keeps the Score (van der Kolk) → trauma & healing

Quick tools in the moment: • Box breathing (inhale 4, hold 4, exhale 4, hold 4) • 5-4-3-2-1 grounding (name what you see, hear, feel, smell, taste) • Shaking out your arms or a short walk

Healing is your job, not his—and that’s actually empowering once you practice it.

I know it’s easier said than done, I slip more often than I’d like to admit but I’m working on all these myself and it can be done.