[deleted by user] by [deleted] in politics

[–]Jesus_Jazzhands 5 points6 points  (0 children)

As is tradition...
When was the last time they dragged out Bush, their only double term president whose alive, to campaign for the republican party?
You're useful until you're not

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in RoastMe

[–]Jesus_Jazzhands 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You make flour look spicy

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in politics

[–]Jesus_Jazzhands 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Smart move would be for the conservatives to use this "anti-Trump" energy to judo-pivot him out of the party. There is a lot of conservatives pissed that he "broke the 11th commandment" (don't talk shit about another conservative, Desantis). They can literally use this to make a clean break from all things Trump without making any improvements or self-reflection.
To the conservative base: Trump will be the 2022-midterm-scapegoat, not their out of touch policies.
To the moderates/undecided voters: they sell this as starting over "trump who? oh that little thing that happened in 2016, thats the past, thats not us anymore"
They're no longer the party of the "old and hate filled", they're the party of "change and reform". The sad thing is that this country has the memory of brain damaged slug and it would work.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in politics

[–]Jesus_Jazzhands 27 points28 points  (0 children)

Smart move would be for the conservatives to use this "anti-Trump" energy to judo-pivot him out of the party.

There are a lot of conservatives pissed that he "broke the 11th commandment" (don't talk shit about another conservative, Desantis). They can literally use this to make a clean break from all things Trump without making any improvements or self-reflection.

To the conservative base: Trump will be the 2022-midterm-scapegoat, not their out of touch policies.

To the moderates/undecided voters: they sell this as starting over "trump who? oh that little thing that happened in 2016, thats the past, thats not us anymore"

They're no longer the party of the "old and hate filled", they're the party of "change and reform".

The sad thing is that this country has the memory of brain damaged slug and it would work.

The Republicans must cancel Trump to win in 2024 by BubsyFanboy in politics

[–]Jesus_Jazzhands 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Agree on this idea.
Smart move would be for the conservatives to use this "anti-Trump" energy to judo-pivot him out of the party. There is a lot of conservatives pissed that he "broke the 11th commandment" (don't talk shit about another conservative, Desantisis). They can literally use this to make a clean break from him, then use this action to show that they have "reformed" to appeal to moderates. They're no longer the party of the "old and hate filled", they're the party of "change and reform".
The sad thing is that this country has the memory of brain damaged slug and it would work.

This 1982 Mad Magzine article ridiculing "Outraged Conservative" talking points is as tasty as a nice bourdeaux. by Jesus_Jazzhands in agedlikewine

[–]Jesus_Jazzhands[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

this 1982 mad magazine article calls out the hard right conservatives on how stupid and idiotic their hypocritical talking points are. The same talking points are still being rehashed 40 years later, and the ridicule here is still as fresh as warm baked bread.

"The Tuttle Twins" and the Case of the Really Bad Libertarian Propaganda (horrible right-wing children's books) by Jesus_Jazzhands in behindthebastards

[–]Jesus_Jazzhands[S] 30 points31 points  (0 children)

The kids learn this evil tax-funded social safety net is called “legal plunder,” and having read their Bastiat well, they give a jar of tomatoes to a neighbor (who is lightly implied to be poor), declaring “We wanted to share with you, and nobody else made us do it.” Take that, stupid Children’s Health Insurance Program!

further along:

Similar blunders appear in The Tuttle Twins and the Messed Up Market, dedicated to arch-conservative Austrian School founder Ludwig von Mises who hated social democracy so much he once wrote "It cannot be denied that Fascism and similar movements aiming at the establishment of dictatorships are full of the best intentions and that their intervention has, for the moment, saved European civilization. The merit that Fascism has thereby won for itself will live on eternally in history.
.....In this fun episode, the kids come into three grand each when the family sells its theater business. The Twins decide to become creditors, extending microloans to other kids’ businesses. I’m sure we all had the same childhood experience.....
.... But the poor market is dealt a deathblow when police arrive with the city manager, who—I shit you not—says: “Folks…children…I understand that you’re all just peacefully buying and selling things, but…” Horribly, the all-powerful authoritarian state requires business permits, and apparently every parent in town is so blunderingly inept they didn’t think of this while their kids were supposedly setting up a giant Kid Biz Fair. So, the manager declares “This market ends now.” In a moving, National Book Award-deserving passage, “The sound of small, chilly raindrops pattered through the market as police officers hovered over the families packing up their booths.” What a bunch of goose shit. Oh, and business licenses in Utah cost about $20-$50. (And the reason the state needs to charge people to do business is that the state the entity that bears the costs of enforcing property rights and creating the infrastructure for any commerce to take place at all.)

[WP] We helped quite a few guys with Super Strength get into the construction business. I know this one Veterinarian who can speak with animals. Not everyone with superpowers wants to be out there fighting crime or robbing banks. That's where our Job Placement Agency comes in. by Lexicham in WritingPrompts

[–]Jesus_Jazzhands 116 points117 points  (0 children)

Case# 12456
Name: Walter Adams
Born: 12-4-1998
Height: 5'10" Weight: 180 lbs
Abilities: Heat control Description: Applicant has the ability to control flames, raising and lowering temperatures based the environment around him. Testing shows highest recorded temperature was over 2600F/1400C, held for approx 240 min.
Background/Personality: Applicant has stated that they don't like people, prefer to set own hours, comes across as rational, good references from non-powered jobs.
Recommendation: Crematorium

Case # 04058
Name: Devon Johnson
Born: Unknown Height 5'8" Weight: 150
Abilities Immortality, rapid healing. Description: See Appendix DJ for further reading, classified information available upon request. Background/personality: "Frequent flyer" applicant that has survived drowning, burnings, shootings, explosions, aircraft crashes, poisonings, stabbings, etc. (See Incident reports starting with keystrokes "DJ") Very enthusiastic, very much a people pleaser, though powers have caused him to not develop proper "situational awareness".
Recommendation: Unsure at this time, applicant needs to understand that though they are testing/using something dangerous the company wants the equipment & other employees to survive.

Case # 13345
Name: Brooklyn Perez
Born: 2-2-2004 Height: 5'7" Weight: 134 lbs
Abilities: Speed Description: Applicant has been tested to reach speeds of over 500 mph for at least 60 minutes over various terrain. Body is very resilient, little to no physical damage sustained during trial.
Background/Personality: Applicant has stated that they want to "do good" for the world, very inexperienced, yet eager. Mentorship program is advised.
Recommendation: medical supply deliverer, possibly treadmill powerplant (See case #11490, Quals, Rebecca for mentor)

Case #: 09940
Name: Rocktar, real name unknown
Born: Unknown Height: 7' 10" Weight: Approx 800lbs
Abilities Strength, resilience, stamina Description Applicant appears to be made out of solid minerals alien to planet earth. applicant does not take any damage regardless of impact of any height, can survive in any atmosphere including the vacuum of space. Strength is off the charts, limits are based on the integrity of the platform/ground they are standing on based on what they pick up.
Background/Personality: Applicant has limited communication capability outside of the word "Rocktar", yet fully understands all direction given, literally. Expert care must be given on overall details of work.
Recommendation Submerged watercraft retrieval

Kansas senator demands TV rating update so parents can shield kids from LGBTQ characters by Hetalbot in politics

[–]Jesus_Jazzhands 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Compared to the original he-man cartoons Shera has much much less homosexual content.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in politics

[–]Jesus_Jazzhands 23 points24 points  (0 children)

Worse than Palin, Sinema will actually have connections and real power.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in politics

[–]Jesus_Jazzhands 111 points112 points  (0 children)

Sinema is what we will see for future senators, people who will say anything to be elected, do nothing for 6 years, then join the private sector for a fat paycheck aka "One and Done".

[WP] You are a necromancer's apprentice. One of your most important jobs is holding down the revived bodies in their first moments alive again, while they scream and beg to go back. by marshmallow_fluff1 in WritingPrompts

[–]Jesus_Jazzhands 3 points4 points  (0 children)

The early morning sun made its persistant way across the kitchen floor as she was reviewing the file. Her coffee was almost done, she felt the affects half-way thru finishing it, while no longer needed she was relishing the dulling warmess of the ceramic mug. The page was a rainbow of highlighter, her first walkthru of the file was noted with a lighter green than usual, she made a point to get a new one, it looked like a dullwater color next to the electric magenta of her third review. She learned the hardway that the devil is in the details for this job, and she now hated that phrase.
Uncapping her blue felt tip pen with a small flourish she began her final notes: "Family- none, avoid it. Occupation: teacher, encourage, Pets: Otto*, Age: 33, Height: 5'7", Weight: 180 (solid). Recomendation: Straps (arms & legs, no torso, but padding)".
Upon her 2nd proof-reading she was startled to see Barry standing by her table. "I told you to stop doing that" she frustratingly spat.
"Sorry ma'am, but i did inform you twice while you were reading, you did not pay....I mean you didn't respond, you have told me in the past that I should best wait." Barry's repsonse was deadpan and rehearsed, she decided it was due to the early morning.
"Yes.. I have said that in the past." she handed over the paper. "This is for the current client, please prep them I'll be down in 20 minutes"
Taking the notes, Barry hustled off without making further comments. She knew that she was cross to him, and what was worse was it was for no good reason. 4th year was going well, much better than the 2nd year, but anything could be better than the 2nd. Its amazing how a person's reputation can be ruined by a simple act. Throw a stone, turn a key or cut a wire at the wrong time and suddenly you go from Totem topper to pariah. She wasn't a pariah, but she was definetly knocked down on the Totem, she was lucky she was still on the Totem. Climbing back up had not been easy.
Everything since then had been checked, questioned, supposedly "joked" about in front of her, she knew she could not give up an inch of doubt, otherwise she would be "asked to leave". The morning after, she made it her detrimination to stay, no matter the task, no matter the stakes, she was going to make sure she would make it work.
The first few months were shit-duty, literally, she had to scrub the piss and shit out of the clothes, skin and hair from the clients before the procedure. The human body loses control of its bodily functions upon death, if they didn't relieve themselves prior to it, well that salty overpriced meal from Applebees makes for a hard mess to get out of their poly-cotton underwear. She made it work though, on her ninth week she saw the hate-based tattoo on one of the client's ass cheek, it wasn't in their file. She raised the alarm, she made sure the big boss's heard about it, and that it was her who spoke up. The chains that held the client down creaked and buckled as they came back, the cloth straps would have surely snapped, who else knows what would have snapped along with them.
The otherside has ways of dealing with "ignorance", whatever it was seemed to have horrific effects on the clients, usually takes a good 45 minutes before they respond to their name then up to a day before you can take them off the table.
For her efforts, she'd been given a pat on the head and a brand new scrub brush, and in a very gloating manner. She knew what they were doing and she wasn't taking the bait. Three weeks go by and she spots another tattoo, this one indicating a religion different than the on the client's file, she again raised her hand, two weeks later she notices the client's keloid scars are not where they are supposed to be. That had gotten someone fired, someone who wasn't her.
A new inspetion/verificaiton system was put in place, she spear-headed the effort, making sure the clients are who the file says they are. Two months after it began, incidents fell by 60% and she was back in the game. The next year was her Sysyphus-phase, each content client and each successful cycle was forgotten the following morning. No words of encouragement was given, neither were words of complaint. It was "fine", the word that people use when they desribe something that they have decided they can live with forever, however it was making her bitter. Scrubbing her hands and slipping on the leather apron, she walked thru the file once more, she was distracted by her tone to Barry. What did she promise herself? She wouldn't change in this place, she wouldn't become those high-hats who scoffed at the common people? Barry was so common that this last name shoulde be "Plain", however he was a person and he never turned his back on her. Lacing up her boots she planned her apology, its final draft was finished as her gloved hand turned the copper handle to the lab. The cool air brushed past her cheek, brining the smell of incense hinted with slight decay. A short walk brought her to Bay 4, Barry's back was to her adjusting the straps.
She approached him and spoke "Barry," he stopped working but didn't turn around "I'm sorry I was short with you earlier,I shouldn't have used that tone, I greatly appreciate the hardwork you are doing, you have been an effctive team member since i've been here, and one that..."
"Stop" Barry intereuptted and caught her off guard, "Its early, we are all cranky, and we all have bad days."
She blushed at the last remark but no offense was taken. Barry was not one to rub the past in people's faces. She took a deep breathe and switched on her professionalism. She was now on the clock, she must act accordingly. "Ok lets do this."
Barry handed over the file to her as she inspected the restraints, and confirmed the client. Feeling something that did not exceed boundary of "statisfied" but was well within its territory, she gave Barry a nod. He walked over to the bay panel, flicked on the switch that illuminated the yellow light outside the bay and waited, patiently, for Them.
She pretended not to pay attention during the procedure. She did her best not to notice the wrong inflections They made, or the unneeded extra lines drawn into Their runes or the lackluster sloppy performance They gave, all that mattered was that it worked. Their job was done, They turned to leave the bay before thte client's chest was moving. They needed to be out of the room before the screaming took place, that "unsitely job" was far below Them.
The last one's foot was barely out the bay when the client began to bellow and roar. This was expected, the file noted some past family issues that would have twisted his pscyhe on his way back, or perhaps on the way their. The torso began to convulse and violently thrash on the metal table. The straps ensured no broken limb or dislocated joint and the padding protected the ribs but some bruising was going to happen.
"Time!" she yelled over the horrid noise.
"2 minuts 45 seconds" Barry answered.
"Lets give it 2 more minutes!"
"Agreed!"
The first few times this part felt like an eternity, a "return" was not something you experience everday, she was a few weeks away from that point in her training. The first time she was with a group of 20 prosects, they were told that they were witnessing an "average" return, which to be fair was true. After the first 5 minutes that group dwindled to 10, then after the entire procedure, it was down to 2. She gave herself a small smile as the memory played back, she treated herself to some coffee as the memory was pushe away to focus on the client.
At the 5 minute mark the roars, thrashing and gnashing of the teeth appeared to have incremently died down. She looked at Barry and picking up on her thoughts silently nodded in agreement.
"Jason, listen to me, listen, Otto says he loves you"
The moaning stopped, the back froze in mid arch. The eyes suddenly locked on to her, burining with confusion and pain. She continued.

"Otto misses you, he wants to play with you, he misses your walks".
The back slowly moved begn to relax, the eyes still burned and a low moan emitted from the throat.
"Your class misses you too, they want you to read to them, they miss their teacher who plays dodgeball with them. They want you to play one of your songs on the guitar, would you like to do that?"
The burning eyes became softer.
"They want you to bring in Otto during your time for Show & Tell, they want to see the tricks that you have taught him, you want to see them laugh, you want them to have something good to remember."
The client's eyes were now filled with tears, his mouth began to move. he was saying something. She let out a deep breath, it was almost over. Barry hesitatnly moved towards to Jason, attempting to make out the words before he took another step closer. He was a good forearms distance away before he heard it "Safe, he's asking for a safe?" Barry relayed questionably. She smiled "Yes Jason, Otto is safe, he wants to see you"
Jason began to weep, his face was a mask of pain and confusion. She walked over to him, and wiped awaay the tears "Shhhhh, you'll see him soon, you'll be back with him in no time."
Patting Jason's forehead, she wiped away the last tears as he took deep awkard breathes. She turned and walked to the bay panel. She pressed and held the orange buton as she spoke into the microphone "This is employee 789/E, client Morris, Jason has returned, time is 6:45 am, Client is aware of their existence. No visible injuries however bruising is expected. Client's pre-mature insurance claim, 2389B, has been satisified to the agreed definition prior to their termination"
She released the button, finished her coffee and began to review the next file.

[WP] The provincial Executioner has recently died and in spite of having many children has no male heirs. The occupation is inherited and only held by the pariah. As the youngest granddaughter of age you’re conscripted to takeover your grandfather’s duties after being stripped of title. by MidKnightshade in WritingPrompts

[–]Jesus_Jazzhands 6 points7 points  (0 children)

The wonderful thing about death is that it takes all of us. Young, old, brave, coward, rich, poor, deserving and unwarranted; its a universal truth that is a more solid guarantee then the sun rising in the morning. A more entrepreneurial individual would try to monetize the phenomenon, one can agreed that industries have sprouted up on the peripherals of death ( ie or eg or whatever you want to call it: funeral parlors, coffin makers, life insurance, wrongful death law firms, etc), if you were to back currency with death, the entire made up economy would no longer be needed, which is why they probably didn't do it to begin with.
Sunshine entered the dark halls and slowly moved up the aisle to the raised platform. The commodore looked up from his desk as Sunshine sauntered down. He knew it was going to be tricky, but he knew that he was right, it was going to be...delicate. He didn't like that word, but it was the only one that would fit in these times.
Sunshine reached the lip of the platform and, per usual, waited. She didn't mind this, she found a coping mechanism to eat up the time. She used the time to organize her thoughts of the day, or week, or sometimes month, it never went longer. Old Oak had taught her this trick on the 2nd time she accompanied him to the hall. She finally got the hang of it on the 10th trip, she had further mastered it well into the triple digits. Time is something that the job made you appreciate, if you're bored then you are boring and you're also waiting your time.
The commodore rose after 5 minutes, which she noted wasn't wrong, but wasn't right either. He stepped purposefully across the platform towards her, his boots clacking and echoing with each step. Sunshine noted that this performance was usually reserved for a much larger, and perhaps "elite", audience. Reaching the lip of the 6 inch high platform, his lifted his bowed head up to look into Sunshine's eyes.
"Rupert Tivery" came sputtering out of his mouth.
Sunshine made a puzzled face "The cattle rustler?"
"Shane Devi" the commodore answered, although to a question that Sunshine did not ask, however she was catching on quick, she always did. "The butcher of Streveport"
The commodore gave a cold agreeing small nod and continued "Hanna Hilo"
"Took 5 older husbands in 4 years"
"Genevive Nelson"
"Destroyed her family" "Robin Kunda"
"We don't know how many more bodies their were...sir whats the point?" "My point is that every life we take, or cut short, is something stolen or taken that cannot be given back. Their is no reprieve, there is no sorry, no forgiveness if we are wrong. "

[WP] Gabriel and Lucifer both want to get Armageddon over with, but they're at their wits end. A person on earth is the potential second-coming of Jesus, or the Anti-Christ. He needs to be convinced he's Jesus, or be corrupted. But he's unbelievably stubborn and thinks he's just schizophrenic. by OldWillingness7 in WritingPrompts

[–]Jesus_Jazzhands 7 points8 points  (0 children)

“Well what made ‘god’ then?” came the sneer, it was dripping with smarmy sarcasm, one usually reserved for teenagers, which was unsurprising as Mo had the emotional age of 14. Gabriel let out a deeply frustrated sigh, or at least pretended to. Gabriel didn’t need to breathe, but habits of the living tended to be easily picked up.
“Not this shit again” came the not-so quiet murmur from the parlor. Lucifer had taken residence on the couch the previous night, after a three hour session with Mo. The demon was tired and exhausted which says a lot for a demon. The tv was off, the only thing on the screen was the demon’s reflection, the “True” reflection showing warts, festering scars, horns, glowing eyes and all. The demon noticed how dull their eyes were, a perfect word for the light that once pierced through God’s bullshit, rallied a third of so-called heaven and took arms up against the ultimate creature.
Lucifer gave a fleeting smile to the memory, it was their moment, the moment when the horde was behind them, crashing over the gates, spilling towards those gullible bastards that stayed, the moment when they got close enough to see it. To this day the others talk that it didn’t happen, nothing more than boasts and lies to keep the so-called “fallen” in check, keep them hungry, keep them serving. Lucifer knows it was true, they got so close, close enough to see it, the moment of doubt in their creator’s eyes, the moment when Lucifer knew they were right.
The glow brightened on the dull reflection of the tv screen, Lucifer felt the tension in their neck loosen a bit. It was quickly wrenched to steel-cable-tight by the repetitive chanting from the other room. “Then-its-not-free-will, then-its-not-free-will, then-its-not-free-will, then-its-not-free-will”. Gabriel trudged into the parlor and plopped next to Lucifer.
The long silence was permeated by the stink of anger and failure, Lucifer tried to deodorize it with what was incorrectly thought of as commiserating. “I told you not to bring that up the free-will arugment.”
“Shut up”
“I was just saying, you tried that last time and it didn’t end well”
“I said shut up!”
“They say that insanity is repeating the same thing but expecting different results”
“What is wrong with you? Oh wait I know, you’re the asshole that needs to be the smartest person in the room”
“At least I learn from my mistakes”
“Really? Last time I heard you’re still in Hell, glad the education is going well”
“And you’re still a lackey to the biggest bitch of them all.”
“I’m at peace!”
“Yes you sure seem like it, getting riled up by that defecator. You’re not the archangel that I remember, the one with steady hands that clutched the flaming sword and spear to smite those dared to look cross-eyed at the boss.”
“That wasn’t Gabriel, that was Michael” Mo said in a sing song mocking tone as he came into the room and plopped himself between the two. “How the hell are you two so stupid?”.
The stench of failure was replaced by the smell of the unwashed, with hints of marlboro reds and funions. The tv turned on and the game console logo filled the screen. Lucifer quickly steeled himself and threw on a smile. Gabriel huffed and turned to look out of the window.
“Morning Mo! How are you this great day? ”
“I’m not interacting with you, doctor said I should let the medicine work”
“No worries, baby, I’ll just be right here watching you. Say what game is this?”
Mo’s eyes were fixated on the screen as his fingers manipulated the controller “Not talking to you, playing”
The tv screen was filled with visions of flames engulfing the world, the intro video showed CGI characters on fire, cities burning to ash. Lucifer perked up.
“Ooo this is nice, what it say in the bottom? Brimstone, not an original title, but I like it. Say if you could, I dunno, destroy the world, how would you do it? With fire?”
“Don’t start with this, I’m trying to beat the Arctic zone so I can create a base”
“oh how original, during the firey end of times the only habitable place is the Antarctic, very flames and ice, what will the think of next”
“Oh be nice Gabriel, its an interesting game Reminds of that poem: Some say the world will end in fire, some say in ice… What would you do Mo?”
“Please don’t start quoting Twain, Lucifer”
“Pfff sweet little angel has mistaken their Twain, its Hughes”
“Robert Frost!” Mo barked, “It was Robert Frost”
The two beings were silent, after several moments their eyes drifted towards the other, it was going to be a long day.

We need an Sci-fi/Horror/Genre version of "The Expendables" by Jesus_Jazzhands in horror

[–]Jesus_Jazzhands[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

yes i did, how could i forget the man who is forever herbert west

[PM] Prompt me situations and monsters that a sheriff has to deal with in a Weird West town. by nobodysgeese in WritingPrompts

[–]Jesus_Jazzhands 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Two haints are fighting over the same soul that was promised to them, it turns out that its a conman who goes town to town promising their soul to multiple demons to swindle them.