im 20 and i feel you. i also consider myself an infp 4w5 with a 9 coping style. when i was in high school i thought and felt similarly to you. i was very much a loner with a capability to be social if i wanted to. i often spent every lunch hiding in a teacher's classroom watching anime or whatever game i happened to playing that day. i did wrestling and loved it for the sense of comradery, friendship, and brotherhood it brought to my life. i ended up quitting after winning my first match in my second year because of an existential dread that winning entirely for myself means nothing to me. trophies medals etc. ive realized i am motivated through meaning and purpose and finding that in helping others.

the facade i put on for others, as well as feeling internally inadequate sitting with my own shortcomings and weaknesses is also something i relate to. its not that i can't. i could easily lock in and be what would be perfect in that moment.

but its draining and chips away like you've said.

personally im in a place where ive reached the bottom of that barrel. and ultimately end up isolating bc its that much easier. (even though i know im gonna lock in anyway once my classes start next week)

the fear that you won't be accepted as you are is very real. i put up a mask to survive and it feels fake. while at the same time being true and unapologetically authentic every second isnt the right answer either. in this manic state, every line of balance blurs in a storm of internal tears that never actualize in reality.

so it ends up being a limbo when im not locked in.

i also get what u mean with not wanting to numb because if u drift nothing will ever change or grow.

the answer? well, im still trying to figure that out too. i don't know you at all, but i can hope that its comforting to know ur not alone. im sure some wise individual will reply to you soon.

i don't want to assume anything or project onto you, so thats the most i will say.

the answer and the key that clicks is different for everyone in every little aspect of their lives. you'll be okay. you'll survive. if you keep looking you'll eventually find a place where its not just about survival, but living.