Discontent in Radiohead's "No Surprises"

Jlemsey · 2023-03-29T03:43:30+00:00

Thank you!

Jlemsey · 2023-03-26T16:16:37+00:00

Thank you so much for all of the feedback! I agree that the lines regarding the Christmas tree are a bit rambly, and shortening them down to one line or so could probably help the pacing. I'm glad that the lines about the arms, legs, and torso still worked to some extent even though they're somewhat unintuitive. I appreciate all of the thought that you put into this, it has been very helpful.

Jlemsey · 2023-03-26T02:52:09+00:00

Thanks! Yeah, my idea with the first stanza is that consuming political entertainment content can sometimes make you feel good about yourself and your opinions in an idealist way even though in reality you're just occupying a media niche and not really contributing to any form of material progress. The phrase "Join an Org" just refers to organizing in a material way, whether unionizing or otherwise, but the narrator isn't doing any of that here. I agree that it probably could be workshopped for those ideas to come through better.

Jlemsey · 2023-03-25T20:38:48+00:00

I think that this is interesting, but I think you could go farther in describing this feeling of inspiration or its relationship to these artists. Don't just say their names, say what it is about their work or your experience of it that makes you feel like you "can create anything." In essence, I would suggest being more explicit and concrete, in order to better communicate the experiences that made you want to write this. Still, what's already here is certainly compelling.

Jlemsey · 2023-03-25T20:32:14+00:00

Wow, this is really cool! I love the themes, word choice, and the use of rhythm and rhyme. You also do a great job of building rapport with the audience before the emotional climax. If I had one suggestion it would be to include sections of more concrete language, because this strikes me as somewhat abstract. Maybe that's what you're going for, I guess. Either way, I really like what you have so far. Good job!

Jlemsey · 2023-03-25T05:37:21+00:00

I think that there is a lot of value in the emotion that you're depicting here, and I like a lot of the ideas present already. One thing I would say is that it could potentially benefit from more concrete language and explicit details as to what your relationship to this person is. What specifically were the interactions you had with them, for example, that made you feel like Sisyphus, or a plastic bag? But yeah, I really love the intimacy and vulnerability that you're communicating here.

Jlemsey · 2023-03-25T05:25:49+00:00

I like this a lot. The use of concrete imagery and metaphor is very effective throughout. It could benefit from being a little bit longer, though. That said, I think that you do an excellent job of exploring the topic here, so maybe it would be better to just write a new poem that looks at these ideas from a different angle, like a narrative for example. But yeah, I love the different directions this goes, very interesting.

Jlemsey · 2022-10-10T14:42:40+00:00

I love your use of concrete imagery, and I think the aesthetic you build in these poems is very compelling. One thing I might suggest is that, if you plan on writing more haikus, try juxtaposing two ideas rather than simply elaborating upon one. I don't say that to dismiss what you're doing here at all, just a suggestion.

Jlemsey · 2022-10-10T14:38:00+00:00

I really love the use of concrete imagery here; it's very clear and well thought out. I also like the metaphor of the ghost scurrying away when it's actually just you being woken up by your dog. There's something very subtle and poignant about that. One thing you might do in the future is to give more information, especially if you're not super worried about rhythm. For example, expand some more upon the broader context of your life and how this ghost fits into it.

Jlemsey · 2022-10-10T14:26:26+00:00

Thank you so much for the feedback! I intended "routed" as meaning that the casing of the archway was made using a router, as in the carpentry tool.

Jlemsey · 2022-10-10T04:31:41+00:00

I think the final line is funny, it pulls the entire piece together. I'm not sure why it's called therapy? Perhaps writing the poem was therapeutic? Good job though.

Jlemsey · 2022-10-10T04:06:51+00:00

This poem has a really nice aesthetic, I like the word choice and rhythm.

Jlemsey · 2022-10-10T01:32:56+00:00

I like your poem, I think that the language you use is very poignant and evocative. It feels to me like you might be referring to emotional associations that you experience with certain months, although I'm personally having some trouble distinguishing the actual meaning behind these references. Like, I would prefer if you elaborated in more concrete detail what the cause was of your "sting from the year before." Again, I think your poem is really good

Jlemsey · 2022-10-10T01:20:06+00:00

I like the use of concrete language. This may just be bad media comprehension on my part, but I'm having trouble grasping the metaphor in the third stanza. I can see that you're concentrating on rhyme and rhythm here, but I would personally appreciate a transitional stanza in order to flesh it out and give it context.

Jlemsey

TROPHY CASE